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Ditka. Da Bearsss began 1985 wit' da best team ever in da history of da NFL. Dey got Jim McMahon at quarterback, which even we know he was no Elway or nothin', but he was da craziest mutherfucker ever to put on da navy blue and aringe. An' we loved him. Den we had sweetness, Walter Payton, runnin' da ball because McMahon couldn't really throw too good.
But da defense. I heard some morons talkin' bout Ravens dis and Steelers dat, but no fuckin' way man. Da Bearsss. 1985. Ditka. Da best ever.
So anyways, we started off winning. Of fuckin' course. And we didn't stop. Man, nobody but nobody could score on us. We got Singletary at middle linebacker. You can have yer Ray Lewises and yer fuckin' Troy Palofaggits. Singletary, man. An den dere was Dent and Perry, didn't nobody run da ball on us. Perry was so big, we called him da fridge. Ditka. We were da best damn team in 1985 NFL history.
So we ended up beating everybody.
Yeah, well, almost.
Loss to da fuckin' Dolphins
Da Dolphins? Are you fuckin' kidding me? Da god damn Dolphins? Man if a bear met a dolphin in da woods, who do you think'd win dat? Yeah. So anyways, here da Dolphins are, fuckin' shit team, talkin' about preservin' deir undefeated legacy an' shit. But none o' dese guys even know nothin' about no undefeated legacy, dey were a shitty-ass team. Ditka.
But someone in da NFL higher arky or somethin' got all bothered by a gritty, dirty, Ditky team like us, wit' McMahon always fightin' off fuckin' Pete Rozelle for just havin' a good time. Anyways, dey hated us supposedly stainin' the pristine beauty of da squeaky-clean Dolphins record, so dey paid da fuckin' refs off an da Bearsss couldn't help it. Dey lost da game. It pisses me off. In my mind, Da Bearsss are da only undefeated team in 1985 history.
Super Bowl Champs!
But dat loss didn't fuckin' matter man. In fact, it motivated us. We all rallied around dem after dat, and nobody but nobody was gonna beat us for da rest of history. We beat da Patriots in de Super Bowl wit' our fuckin' eyes closed, man. Ditka!
So den dere's Ditka. One time, Ditka's ma was like, sittin' around mindin' her own bee's wax, right? And so den God came down an' said, I'm gonna cause you to become pregnant with my own kid, and you shall name him Mike. An' dat's how Ditka was born. He went on to put da Bearsss into deir rightful place in 1985 NFL history. Ditka.
So Ditka kicks ass, right? If you're wonderin' 'cause you're a moron, whose ass Ditka kicks, don't. You can talk about any asshole, Ditka kicks it. In fact, Ditka's so fuckin' tough, man, he kicks his own ass on a daily basis. Den he kicks his own ass back.
So, yeah. Ditka.
Super Bowl Shuffle
Da biggest rap hit ever was Da Bearsss hit, Super Bowl Shuffle. It spoke volumes for every one of us fans, and touched us at our very core. I remember it like every one of my five heart attacks. Here it is, watch it again an' again to fully appreciate its timeless, sublime beauty. Seven minutes of sheer class an' dignity. "Uh-huh".
Did I mention Ditka?
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