# Cheese

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You may be looking for Goldfish crackers and not even know it!

Cheese was invented by Saddam Hussien to turn Americans into big, stupid fatasses (and to destroy the ruler of the universe (alex aitken) by killing him with obesity from eating to much), as seen in Michael Moore's hit soap opera, Super-Size My Ass; The hilarious story of a man made of cheese who dies to feed his mother (who is terminally ill with some tropical disease you and I have never heard of), but of course we all know he's just a post-modern Jesus of Suburbia Wannabee...

Insert roflpoohRoflcakes, americans soon got bored of the cheese and i made cheesestrings and eventually used cheesestring to wire simple circuits like bulbs and maybe there all in one cook mathingo!

It has long been believed that cheese is the holiest substance in existence. Eating cheese is proven to cure Anal Cancer, Hepatitis Z and West African Plunger Disease. Smoking cheese gives you the powers of Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Optimus Prime combined. Cheese also works quite well as a substitute for vaseline. Unsurprisingly, The French have recently declared Swiss cheese to be 'the new black', but you should never try to wear swiss, no matter how small the holes are.

Cheese is also found on the Moon, although it is the blue variety. It is said that the Man on the Moon creates it. (It has also been reported that the moon is made entirely of Parmesian Cheese - but, as everyone knows, this is utter codswallop). Moon cheese is much more nutritious than fromunda cheese, and almost as nutritious as fried cheese.

## How to Make Cheese

Take some stuff, mix it together, let it grow mold, and then sell it to high class people with 'mature tastes'. It is also possible to find someone who has made a "cheese and crackers" platter, and by using a complex extraction process (stealing) take the cheese from the aforementioned "cheese and crackers". You worthless freeloader. You could have just gone to the moon and gotten some.

## Cheese Through the Ages

Cheese has long been used as the standing currency of the state of Wisconsin. Wisconsin state Congress was lobbied by the Cheese-Backs as well as the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Cheese Payments)in the early 20th-century, forcing them to enact the Free Coinage of Cheese Act of 1912. With cheese as their official currency, banks, such as Bank of American Cheese, have been forced to install refrigerated vaults to prevent the theft and consumption of the valuable Wisconsin cheese. Many people fear, that with the invention of advanced counterfitting techniques, criminals will replicate the currency and destroy the fragile Wisconsonian economy of Wedges and Wheels.

### Cheese in Maths

If there is one equation that maths teachers should always teach before the basic $1+1=2$, it is definitely Albert Einstein's Theory of Cheeseology:

Taking his famous equation of: $E=M*C^2$

One can assume the letters represent:

Remember

Failed to parse (lexing error): Cheese=BAcºn+m0º/d

```[1]
```
• Eat - The E stands for Eat.
• More - The M stands for More.
• Cheese - The C stands for Cheese.

Inputting the equation into a word equation we get:

$Eat = More Cheese^2$

The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein's Law then you must eat $50g^2$ in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.

Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:

"Eat More Cheese than you normally would"*

*it could also be translated to mean "Eat More Square Cheese," a direct shapist blow to all the cheese wheels of the world.

### Cheese in Biology

It has been proven via medical examinations that various parts of your body are filled with cheese. These include your arteries, nerves, brain, CD drive, and middle toes on your left feet. It is also common knowledge that most women enjoy the taste of the rare fromunda cheese found only in the fromundal area of the male human body. [2]

To be more accurate your brain is 50% cheese if you have never realised this then you've got a mind block, because half of your brain is clogged with liquid cheese. This is common, so don't panic. To permanently prevent the cheese blockage you can have dairysuction performed at your local hospital.

Dairysuction is often expensive and a cheaper alternative has been found in the old tecnique of rat snorting. Similar in origin to Kitten Huffing, rat snorting grew very popular in the late 67th century, and has since then dwindled until a recent resurgence in the necrophiliac population. Rat snorting does not bring sexual pleasure but many feel a pleasurable tickling sensation as the rat eats the liquid cheese out of their brain. Significant brain damage often ensues and the most common side effect is uncontrollable hiccups and lucky charm-flavoured phlegm.

### Cheese in Literature

Fruit of the Cow, by Wan Fu
Fruit of the cow,
delight of my soul,
my touch, my taste,
my need to know.
My need to be felt,
is my need to feel,
what’s under the wrapper,
of cheese marked "real."

Provolone by Kyle P. Whelliston
Oh, Provolone, how I do ever love thee!
Thy creamy flesh and hot rind intoxicate me.
I recall the times we dallied about, singing
Or spent nights at the fire, laughing,
But as the date on your back approaches, I cry,
"What cruel fate is this, my love's death is nigh!"
I cradle, touch and kiss thee in our final hour,
Now, sobbing, I cut thee open and devour.

• William Shakespeare was arrested in 1009 for indecent pictures of cheese. A gossip columnist revealed Shakespeare's cheese fetish to the Pope, who first commented that it was "sick-eth" but was later found lathering melted provolone all over his chest in Shakepeare's inner chamber. The Pope died of Swissilis four years later.
• The word "cheese" was identified to be a hilarious word by the Foundation of People with Little Imagination in 1999, and was the word of the year by the same foundation in 1999.

## How to Tell if It's Cheesy

#### Cheese can refer to:

Did you know...
People who form sexual obsessions with cheese are known as cheddarsexuals, and may be at high risk for certain cheese-related diseases, such as goudarrhea and swissilis.

Historical periods and events:

Science:

 The 12 Fundamental Cheeses American Blue Brie Cheesus Cottage Feta* Fromunda Gouda Holy Swiss Velveeta *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese The 3 Noble Cheeses Gourmet Whiz *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"

People:

Food:

Places and Things: