Charlie Sheen

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“He's not THAT great.”
~ Denise Richards on Charlie Sheen
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen, (born Inigo Montoya September 3, 1965) is a multi-award-winning American actor and war-hero. He is best know for his role in the 1980's sitcom 'Everybody has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen"

Early life


Charlie Sheen aged about 8 or 9.

Sheen was born in New York City to parents Susan Sarandon and Martin Sheen, whose birth name is Ramón Gerardo Antonio Montoya. He has two brothers and one sister, all of whom are now under indefinite detention in Guantanamo Bay for unspecified crimes against the state. He has also been known that if you do not awake before 9:45 am he will arrive if of course always invited like his vampire friend (willem dafoe) will in fact bite your nipples off

Sheen attended Monica Lewinsky High School, where his two major interests were backgammon and impersonating cartoon characters. He also played baseball, and won fame in the high-school yearbook for hitting six home runs in under three minutes in a single game. His friends in school included Rob Lowe and Sean Penn, and with them, he filmed over 2000 amateur Super-8 films. Most of these films have been hunted down and destroyed by the authorities on the grounds of inciting moral laxity in the nation's youth. Fragments have occasionally appeared over the years in private auctions, where riots have been known to break out. Sheen was a pitcher for some of these movies, and sometimes a catcher. A few weeks before graduation, Sheen was expelled from the school for being unnecessarily awesome and putting mere mortals to shame. It was probably around this time that he first starting experimenting with kittens.


Sheen began acting in 1966 at the age of nine months, appearing in a small role alongside his father in the TV movie The Execution of Private Slovik as the Baby Jesus. Since then he has appeared in just about every movie worth watching, ever, even the ones that went straight to video.

In 1986 he starred in Red Dawn, as a teenager who kills hundreds of commies.

Charlie Sheen was a veteran of the Vietnam War, from 1988 to 2003.

In 2001 and 2002 Sheen played the lead role in the political television sitcom, The West Wing (as Denzel Washington's replacement on that show). Currently Sheen plays himself on the sitcom Dif'rent Strokes, which debuted in 2003. This is a feel-good family show celebrating ethnic differences, in which Charlie and his real-life brother are the adoptive parents of two adorable crack-babies.

Breast advocate


Sheen was the 2004 spokesperson for the breast awareness fundraiser that raised millions of dollars for research and education regarding the mammary glands of human females. Sheen stated that in his opinion, breasts are "freakin' awesome", and he wanted to try to help others enjoy breasts as much as he does. Carlie is defintley a walking std like jamesbond i figure he willn die i two to three years from the aids or claudia claumida u know whatever floats his boat

Opinions of the 9/11 attacks

On March 20, 2006, Sheen revealed during an interview with notorious shock-jock Howard Stern that he disputes the 9/11 Commission Report. He stated that he not only believes the U.S. Government had prior knowledge that the attacks were going to take place, but that they failed to act in time to prevent infiltrators from the Antian Alliance carrying out their sinister plot to beautify New York City.

Sheen stated during the interviews, "I had a feeling, more powerful than any kitten I've ever tasted in my entire life.. and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother, 'Oh man, I am SO fucking high right now!'"

Private life

On June 15, 2002 he married actress Heather Graham after meeting her while filming Assmaster 17 Uncut in 2001. They have two daughters, Samantha Catherine Montoya (born March 9, 2004), and Lola Rose Montoya (born June 1, 2005).

Being such an internationally celebrated man of glamour and mystery, Sheen has naturally been linked with many politicians, actors, musicians, pornstars and crackheads over the years. Of course, anybody who tries to discredit him for any of his so-called indiscretions is merely talking smack, because they're jealous of how awesome he is. Critics suggest that the Anti-Sheen phenomenon was spawned from resentment over the incredible and undeniable awesome that radiates from Sheen. On an unrelated note, Sheen was an avid fan of major league baseball cards at the age of 4, but decided that he didn't like them.

In 1986, the scene in Red Dawn where Sheen dies in the arms of Patric Swayze was inspired by true events in Sheen's personal life. This was also the last good movie which Sheen made which was pro-USA.

In 1987, Sheen was arrested for insider trading in New York. He was found guilty and sentenced to watching 100 hours of Barney and a fine of 100,000 potatoes.

In 1990, Sheen accidentally shot his then-fiancée Kelly Clarkson in the head, during a drunken game of William Tell. The relationship ended shortly thereafter.


In 1993, his name was found among Hollywood Madam Heidi Klum's list of her most frequent customers, and it was revealed that Sheen hired highly compensated prostitutes from escort agencies. During this time, it was reported that he was struggling with a serious addiction to kittens. His later comments to the magazine Hustler on the growing problem of kitten-abuse in the entertainment industry, as well as in the military, led to the first of many failed assassination attempts. Pauly Shore, in a kitten-fuelled rampage, pulled a handgun on Sheen outside a premiere screening and shot him twice in the heart. Fortunately the bullets bounced right off his chest, and he laughed in Shore's face as the would-be assassin was torn to pieces and devoured by starving journalists and winos. This event was documented in an official document and in the documentary "Sheenanigans". Pauly Shore later got his ass kicked.

Ater inventing the internet in 1973, Sheen was asked what he would do for a Klondike Bar. He said he would be the first person to take pictures of his turds with his other recent invention, the cellular phone, and send the pictures to his friends. He won silver.

Selected Filmography

All Mongs go to Heaven (Narating) (1984)

Red Dawn (1984)

Major League (1989)

The Wino Jungle (1997)

Sheen's Oral Action Adventures (1-3) (1999)

I Love Bubble Gum (short film) (2001)

The Secret of Zyklon-B Island (2001)

The True Story of Chief Joseph Proudfoot (2003)

Sheenanigans (documentary) (2004)

Ching Chong Island (2004)

Two Halves of a Man (2005)

The Stalin Show (Fourteen Episodes) (2006)File:CALL-THE-POLICE.gif

Red Dawn 2: Red Dusk (2008) (announced)

Sheen Facts

  • Had a black and white cat named George Costanza.
  • While still at "high school", a young Charles Sheen invented the popular musical style known as percussion.
  • Enjoys deep-sea fisting fishing.
  • In 1992, was declared a "walking disaster" by the Red Cross due to his "horrendously large ego".
  • Broke my Xbox and keeps lying about it like some kind of jerk.
  • Has a tattoo on his chest that looks like a note pinned to it that reads, "Be Back in 15 Minutes."
  • Charlie's eyes are laced with a special glitter which is made from fresh-cut diamonds and babies' tears.
  • Was Acting Queen of England, Great Britain and Northern Ireland in May 2000, while Elizabeth II was waterskiing in the Bahamas.
  • Knows how to tap dance really well. His dancing saved his life in 1998, when he was kidnapped and was forced to entertain his kidnappers.
  • Charlie's trademark "Hollywood" chest is 100% natural. He spent fifteen years developing it through an exercise and eating regime that meant he could only eat pillows for breakfast.
  • Was briefly mayor of San Dimas, California in 1993 but resigned when called before the Heidi Klum hearing.
  • Is a regular client of Delicious jones.
  • Is an uncredited script-writer for the Powerpuff Girls TV series.
  • Shines Umpteen Things Clean. Or Your Money Back.
  • Is known as Блеск Чарли in Russia
  • Once took a bath with Michael J. Fox
  • Said his poop was birthed from a king.
  • Took his fantasy football team to the championship, then beat his wife a few times and won.
  • Pioneered the art of "jumping the shark."
  • He killed JonBenet Ramsey.
  • Spent nineteen months in jail after lying about breaking some kid's Xbox.

See also

External Links

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