Charles Lindbergh

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Charles Lindbergh, born Charleston P. Linschitzer in 1900, was one of the lesser-known aviators of the 1920's, known in this respect primarily for bankrupting the Ryan Aircraft Company in a series of unspectacular, yet highly-publicized crashes of his Ryan-built airplane, the Spirit of St. Luigi. He is best well known for his daring flight during World War I; being the first man to fly an unmanned stealth jet bomber across the Mississippi river blindfolded, with one hand tied behind his back, whilst a co-pilot used a mirror to irritatingly reflect sunlight into Lindbergh's eyes, and blindfolded a second time for good measure. Not only did he fly the plane, but he also simultaneously balanced his checkbook, made himself a delectable turkey sandwich on rye, and beat his high score on Tetris. The feat has never since been replicated due to the high risk, ridiculous parking fees, terrorist attacks, and the fact that the Mississippi river has long been dried out since the second Holocaust.

Lindbergh retired from active aviation in 1926 in order to focus on his enduring love of animal husbandry. It was while pursuing one of his subjects that he met Anne Landry, who was also pursuing a love of animal husbandry, from a different point of view. Lindbergh and Landry were married in 1928 after a short courtship and several exchanges of teletypes...the instant messenger of the day.

The Lindbergh's were blessed with their first and only Lindbergh baby in 1929. The youngest Lindbergh was a prodigy, weaning himself from the teat after only six months, The young Charles A. Lindbergh proceeded to learn English, Chinese and Klingon, compose a concerto for piano, harpsichord and mouth-harp, and was working on perfecting a longer-lasting light bulb when he was kidnapped at the age of 14 months. During the national scandal that followed the kidnapping of their baby, The New Jersey times ran a quote from Charles Lindbergh as their front-page headline: "OMG, WTF!?"

Lindbergh lived the rest of his life at his Mormonland Ranch in Utah with his many brides. He continued his experiments in animal husbandry, however, his passion tragically became his undoing when he carelessly lit a cigarette behind a live elephant and unwittingly discovered the Jumbo Jet. He was eventually killed by Oskar Schindler's flame breath for being such a douchebag.

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