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|Localization||Southern South Africa, Atlantic Ocean, next to France. No, not there... see right there? Oh yeah, that's it.|
|Official languages||Upset Portuguese, strange dialects, yelping.|
|Dictator||Luis Inácio "Squid" da Silva, The false messiah.|
|Capital||Unkown for sure. Some movies/non-brazilian presidents say Buenos Aires. When aknowledged as an USA colony, Washington. The most accepted theory says Brazil has no capital city.|
|Population||Only idiots believe in the census anyway.|
- At war
absence of war doesn't mean peace.
|National Anthem||Festa no Apê (official), God save the queen (official too).|
"I have nothing to declare about Brazil except... HEY, FUCKING MONKEY, GET OUT OF HERE." --Oscar Wilde on Brazil.
Brazil, discovered by Monty Python's Flying Circus roadie, Terry Gilliam, is a tiny tropical island off the coast of Southern Argentina. It is home to several snorkelling breeds of Eskimo pies and is run entirely by dogs. The dogs invaded the island in early 2005, armed with nothing but nun-chakos,ninja stars,swords and doggy dog courage, they pushed the 150 million human inhabitants into the sea, where they now live amongst such celebrities as the little mermaid. Prior to dogs rule, DR (2005 onwards) Brazil was a great bastion of Latin American Soccer Hooligan-Shenanigenism. Brazil was also known for its topless chick-esque culture of no clothesism. The Capital of Brazil, according to the movies, seems to be Buenos Aires.
Before the dogs, Brazil was a imperialist country ruled by cool dictators. In the 60's the Brazilian Army invaded the USA to put an end to that hippie buffoonery, which was destroyed to the bones (just as well). The commie parties in Brazil aren't so successful either, because of the very very authoritarian government. The War Of Canudos is an example.
In the World War II Brazilians allied with the Axis and supported Hitler and Mussolini to victory. Unfortunately, some people in Brazil didn't realize the war was over until 1999 and continued to try to create democracy, the big loser of the History.
Brazil also has one historical enemy country: Sikland, ruled by cats.
- -1 BC -- A giant missile falls onto the earth, and kills every living elephant in that region.
- 1 BC -- the Brazilians discover Brazil. Also, it's the first time Brazil celebrates Christmas.
- still 1 BC -- Brazilians officially found the Democratic Dictatorship of Brazil. The first city to be founded is Euodeiovocê. Then Very First New York, the children of Hebe and Fabio Jr. spread to all places.
- 0 -- Jesus Christ Allin is born.
- December 31th of 983 -- Happy new year :) (984)
- 13083 BC -- Brazilians go back in the time with a super time-machine.
- 1960 -- Juscelino Kubitschek builds a piramid and uses the slaves to move the Brazilian state capital to Brasilia on back of 2 million lizzards, but people keep saying that it's Rio de Janeiro.
- 1970 -- An alien, so called Pele, of dark skin, creates a sport called Soccer, which powers the Brazilian economy to this day.
- 1981 -- The Flamengo soccer team wins the teams World Cup final over some bad English guys. This victory makes about three billion people happy all over the world.
- 1994 -- Tom Jobim, the master of Bossa Nova dies. He was the only brazilian musician to play a song style different from Samba in the USA.
- 1994 -- They return to kill Ayrton Senna, some jewish crazy armed conspirator.
- 1995 (november) -- Santa Claus declares he won't go to Brazil anymore. Reason is unknown.
- 1995 (november) -- Brazil declares war on Santa.
- 1995 (december) -- Santa is killed while in the house of Charles Manson. It has been said that Manson has never been the same since then. Authorities blame Estonia for the murder; according to them, Estonians were jealous because Finland had one of the two official Santa's Homes (the other is located in Angola).
- 1997 -- The Varginha's ET is captured by the army and it's faithful pet the Goat-Succer aka (Chupa-Cabras) become an orphan wandering the counntry.
- 1999 -- Brazil frees the Baltic countries. Except Estonia.
- 2002 -- Brazil invades Orkut.
- 2005(august) -- Million of mad dogs arise from nowhere and take Brazil from the humans.
- 2005(september) -- Roberto Marinho is elected the king of Brazil by the mad dogs.
- 2006 -- Roberto Marinho creates Globo.
- 2007 -- Silvio Santos creates SBT
- 2008 -- Globo declares war on TIME magazine after the comedy series "Everybody Hates Kane".
- 2009 -- SBT murder several humans with his novel "Rebelde"
- 2011 -- Globo declares war on SBT.
- 2012 -- Roberto Marinho died on april 4, in Paris, when his fusca were attacked by the zombies from SBT.
- 2013 -- The mad dogs kill Silvio Santos, after he kill a bitch.
Brazil, also known as Brasil, Braziu, Butter or Buttocks, may have been, for many millenia, a hole of political corruption and bad administration. However, this claim is largely unproved, since some people argue that it may not be a hole, but an excavation on the ground, and, most importantly, because the involved subjects always invite each other for some pizza at the National Restaurant (also known as National Congress), so that everybody happily settles a deal before the accusations go too far. The dogs are trying to make Brasil a better place to live, but this is a difficult mission, because they don't have thumbs.
Politics -- Another Point of View
Most well educated and higher class people in Brazil like to read many fine and interesting publications, such as Veja Magazine. They are more clear minded individuals than most morons, and exercise their stupendous inteligence by zealously repeating everything that top quality brazilian media has to say about anything.
We must warn, there is a very big process emerging in Brazil, today. The shadow forces of ipidity, led by Fernando Henrique Cardoso (a.k.a. FHC), are currently working on a big comeback. And they, as scientific evidence demonstrates, will lead Brazil to the future, as all brazilians already live in there, paradoxically.
Regions of Brazil
Brazil is divided in 107 regions, subdivided in 974 states, sub-subdivided in 38724 provinces. The most important states are: Rondônia (the major state), Piauí, Acre, Amapá, Serjeep and Tokkantins (known as the "locomotive" of the country, while Rondônia is the "where Judas lost his boots"). PS: Acre is a Lie.
Important brazilian cities
Rocinha - Independent from Rio de Janeiro since the attack of mad dogs.
Cracolandia - Independent from Bogotá after a Civil War.
Campinas - pronounced like "Cum penis".
Separatism & inner conflicts
Pernambuco is the only state with separatist intentions; this state is totally run by cats, natural enemies of dogs as we all know.
The cats arrived in Pernambuco with the Dutch colonization (0,87 BC). The cats expelled all humans way before the dogs invaded Brazil. When the dogs came they took over Pernambuco and enslaved the cats and then took over all Brazilian territory.
Pernambuco became widely known for its rebellion against communism and right now Pernambucans have a pact with the southern states of USA, including Texas and Colorado, due to its geographic similarities, to form the Confederate States Of The Great America, composed by Pernambuco, Texas, Colorado, Virginia, Georgia, Calorington and later Katatutualankaerantchytchatchlán (a small norse rebel community in Mexico). Once it's organized, they plan to invade Latvia to conquer Lithuania to free Estonia from Brazil.
Brazil's main exports are Aerolulas, there are serveral species of Aerolulas who attacks people at the streets. Brazil is also the worlds largest producer of consumer electronics. The Poodle corporation has been investing heavily in Capital equiptment since the 7898 BC, to make Brazil one of the most advanced canine countries. Living standards in Brazil are now comparable to a box of cornflakes. Living standards look set to continue to rise with a fall in the size of a box of cornflakes. Actually the Brazilian economy is based 90% in wood extraction from the amazon forest. Whores (putas) are a very economic way to have sex and Brazil exports them to all the World, especially to the USA, so more Americans can be born.
Brazil has only three trans-national corporation: 1.Globo 2.Church of the Kingdom of God and 3.Habib´s
1.Globo make Mexican soup operas in Portuguese and using expensive actors, they are completely broke but still is Brazilian main trans-national. 2.Church of the Kingdom of God makes money with believers and will soon be the main brazilian economical source 3.Habib´s makes money selling very smalls pizzas called "esfirras" as Arabian food. The owners are not Brazilian any more they are Chinese that implemented a crazy machine to make pizzas smaller, and cheap.
Brazilians are extremely dumb. They really are. As an example demonstrating such dumbness, when they are told that they are dumb, they answer that they are dumb because they are poor. That is, not only do they confirm that they are dumb, but they also criticize themselves saying that they are poor. However, Brazilians are not total suckers, because they've had the luck to have the same nationality as God.
Brazilians are known to like fucking north americans. By sheer force of coincidence, all Brazilian citizens have one of the last names Da Costa, Santos, Da Silva or Bush.
Population (2005): 96% blacks, 4% japanese indians, 0,001% intelligent peetists, 83% white niggers.
Brazilians have 10,000 words for being less-than-black (pardo, café-com-leite, sarará,moreninho, etc.), and every year there are contests to see who is the least black in each village. Nowadays there has been a large massacre from the whites against the blacks and mixed colored people, and also jewish families.
Brazilian people are renowned to be very very friendly. (see the photo)
Brazilian street fighting capoeira is famous internationally thanks to some cheesy action movies and popular video games. It's most well known exponant is Grand Mestre Flash who rose to fame after he appeared in the movie Singing in the Rain with the artist formally known as Vincent Price. Unfortunately, he died recently performing his trademark move, a triple head spin cheese plant babality against his arch nemesis Melly 'Mel' Gibson.
Brazilian favorite sport is not Soccer, or evan Capoeira, is a peculiar sport called "falcatrua", the greatest "falcatrua" team is from Brazilia, is the PFL, Professinal Falcatrua Lovers.
Doom, the famous marine from the popular Doom game series, is the most notorious one. Also born in Brazil were Barney Gumble, Roberto Jefferson, Blanka from Street Fighter, Lassie, the philosopher Didi Mocó and George W. Bush.
Brazil has a standing army of 467 paws; Brazil’s army used to have a lot more paws previous to the War Of Canudos however their recent war with the Ninja Chicken island of China has left Brazil without a leg to stand on. The Ninja Chickens look set to take over the Island by early 2006. The Ninja Chickens have crippled the BDC (Brazilian dog corps) with their laser eyes and ability to polymorph into Ninja Turkeys (note, china was taken by ninja chickens in 2005, it was on the news; dude, you probably didn’t watch the news that day).
The Boys from Brazil
“Tall and tan and dark and lovely The Boys from Brazil go walking...”
The Boys from Brazil (1959) was the title track of an influential concept album created by the combined work of Antonio Carlos Jobim DaCosta and the Josef Mengele Orchestra. The subtle fusing of their mutual styles proved popular in America, bringing both an upswing of samba music and assassinations of mature government workers who were adoptive parents.
Note that the Brazilian language is mostly derived from a Portuguese dialect (known as Portugaus) which has been spoken by generations of teenagers with a nasty habit of schatological mistranslation.
There are almost 5 billions words in Brazilian Language.The idiom is regarded one of the most difficult in the world and galaxy, since every year the dogs in Academia Brasileira De Letras create more words and grammatical rules to cover holes, problems, with the old flawed system.
Perhaps the only really important phrase a tourist would ever need to pronounce in Brazil is spoken as "keh-rrrrro-co-nieh-serrrrr mo-rrrreh-nahs brrra-zih-lay-rrrrrahs" (remember to stress the 'r's), which means, "I'd like to meet brazilian brunettes". When saying that, remember to be wearing a "tropical flowers T-shirt", bermuda shorts, long white socks and keep smiling. Sunglasses, a hat, a coconut in hand and some sweat from just venturing some steps in the national dance (Salsa) may also help. In fact, you can keep saying that repeatedly in the streets, as long as you don't accept any invitation of anybody telling you to follow them, because they would take you to the girls.
Other useful terms:
- "três" - one. (also "trees")
- "dois" - three.
- "cinco" - two.
- "meia-calça" - 12/2
- "anta" - ant.
- "boi" - man.
- "boiola" - friend.
- "viadão" - best friend.
- "morre filha da puta" - I love it when in between serious conversations your tender eyes cross with my smile.
- "eu quero que você se foda" - I love you beyond all that exists.
- "vai se fuder" - I love you.
- "Quero te comer" - I want to kiss you.
- "buceta" - traditional drink.
- "caralho" - traditional food. must swallow.
- "Aguardente" - hot water (drink with "buceta").
- "porra" - Same as Coke.
- "toma no cu" - How are you.
- "Te fode porco" - You're so cute.
- "No cú, pardal" - I strongly disagree with you.
- "puto" - Mr.
- "puta" - Ms.
- "puta" - Cleaning lady.
- "puta" - Dear Teacher.
- "puta" - Sweetheart.
- "puta" - A Brazilian expletive.
- "vagabunda" - Darling (also replaces "puta").
- "desliga o celular porra" - famous greeting among the young folk.
- "passa a grana" - formal interest free loan request.
- "maconheiros" - Gentlemen.
- "puta que o pariu" - Mother.
- "traficantes" - Famous Police Squad.
- "sua mãe" - famous brazilian exotic food.
- "aqui, ó, aqui ó" - perhaps you'd have left it at the beach?
- "viados" - People that live in São Paulo state.
And here are some phrases you can use in Brazil to have a nice talking:
"Seu pau é bem grande, posso chupar ele?" -- Hey pal, can you tell me what time is it?
"Você é um belo dum fi da puta e eu odeio a sua família." -- You have a nice family.
"Sua mãe é caminhoneira, 'quela banha andarilha jogadora do palmeiras." -- You have a cute president.
"Não gostei dos brasileiros, porém curti as teta das suas irmãs." -- Nice to meet you, see ya.
"Vou te quebrar a cara, seu tonto, põe isso na minha mão novamente só procê ver, vai." -- Thank you, man, for letting me see it, hehe.
"Oi, cê é uma mina da hora... Dá o cu pra mim, ôôô?" -- Hey girl, let's go out sometime, huh?
"Como faço pra mudar de sexo por aqui? Roberta Close é a minha heroina." -- How much for the gram of heroin?
"Ei a sua irmã me facultaria comê-la?" -- Excuse me, what time is it please?
"O que acha d'eu espatifar sua cara em pedaços lá na Avenida Paulista?" -- Where is the "Paulista" Avenue?
"Mó cocô de pirikito essa porcaria, meu!" -- Sure I loved your country, dude!
"A propósito, vocês são uns bundões hein." -- By the way, I loved your people too.
"Sua mãe é uma gostosa hein? Queria comer ela todinha. " -- Hey your mom is very nice.
"Sabia que você é um viado filho de uma puta? " -- Hey do you know you are really a nice guy?
"Coma meu rabo" -- I like you.
"Quero dar meu cu para algum macho de pau grande!" - Anyone for cricket?
"Eu queria dar meu cú pra os traficantes do Rio de Janeiro." -- I'd like to see the beachs of Rio de Janeiro.
These are very common in the southeast region, near Rio de Janeiro state: ( place with a lot of faggots and bitches.)
"Essa porra filho da puta, tira a gente daqui viado!" - Could you help me?
"Puta que o pariu Batiman, não acredito em nenhuma palavra disso" - I didn't understand what you said
"Puta paga? Caralho... e agora como é que eu faço?" - How do I get a cab?
"Eu e Robin descobrimos que sua mãe também é puta" - Your mother is a wonderful person
"Puta que o pariu, então eu sou um viado" - Thank you, my mother enjoyed your company as well!
"Caraio, essa merda não funciona..." - My cell phone is not working
"Eu não agüento mais essa merda de batcaverna" - The weather is too hot today
"Batiman, tá me escutando seu bicha? Seu puto?!" - Hello, can you hear me?
"Olá putinha, tudo bem? Vamo transar hoje, vamos comer bucetinha hoje?" - Hello lady, how do you do? Can I help you somehow?
"Que isso Robin, você nunca falou assim comigo....vc é um viadinho" - Sure, I would like your help
"Quem é o maconheiro aí hein?" - Who is the gentleman beside you?
"Porra! Essa merda não eh maconha...essa porra, eu quero maconha..." - Do you have a cigarette?
"Ah eu quero trepar com você, Robin..." - I would like a coffee
"Tchau hein sua putinha relaxada" - Goodbye, ma'am
"Vamos buscar umas puta pra trazer pra cá, vai" - Let's buy some milk for the breakfast
"Hoje vou comer o Batiman, vou foder ele direitinho, vou tirar o pinto dele fora!" - I'm going to eat bacon and eggs
"Sabe que que é isso aqui, minha filha? Isso aqui é pra amolecer pinto..." - Ma'am, would you like scrambled eggs?
"Isso é um assalto, seu filho da puta!...Vira a bundinha pra mim, vira Batiman?" - What a wonderful city! Thanks for your hospitality!
"Batiman, da onde você tirou esse batescudo, hein?" - Do you have something to chew?
"Você tá muito engraçadinho hein Robin, lógico que foi do cu...podia de ser mais da onde?" - Yes, I have some gum in my pocket
"Huuuu... vou comer a tia do Batiman, hu hu hu hu" - Yes, I'm going to eat brazilian food!
"Eu tô cansado pra caralho... só trabalho nessa porra, merda... do o cu aqui todo dia!" - Ouch, I'm too exhausted, this trip is killing me!
"Esse documento não prova nada, prova só que o Coringa é um filho da puta" - Your passport is important, don't forget to carry it with you
"É uma pedra! Não!... É um sabão!!!" - You've been fooled!
"Perdeu, preiboi !!" - Excuse me sir, I'm afraid that I lost my wallet, can you loan me some money ?
"Vai tomar no meio do seu rabo, filha da puta de merda, seu viadão. - You are really a nice guy, thanks for your help.