Blue Screen of Death

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{{Q|Get a Mac next time, dumbass!|Steve Jobs|BSoD victims}}
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{| class="toccolours" style="float: right; margin: 0 0 .5em .5em; width: 20em; font-size: 90%;" cellspacing="5"
{{Q|KERNEL PANIC!!|Linus Torvalds|the BSoD}}
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|-
{{Q|Hmm, nice color...|Homer Simpson|the BSoD}}
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| colspan="2" {{American politics/party colours/{{{party_wikicolourid}}}}}|
{{Q|Well of course it was supposed to do that!|Bill Gates|the BSoD}}
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|-
{{Q|ERROR, keyboard missing. Please press F8 to continue.|Computer|Keyboard-breakers}}
+
! colspan="2" style="text-align: center; font-size: larger;" | '''Blue Screen of Death'''
{{Q|We are proud to introduce another a random error. Just like all other random errors it happens every few minutes and is a new feature of Winmine.|Microsoft|the BSoD}}
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|-
:''To be confused with [[BSD]], which is the same thing under a different name.''
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| colspan="2" {{American politics/party colours/{{{party_wikicolourid}}}}}|
[[Image:Keyboard_missing.png|thumb|left|Keyboard missing! PRESS F8 to continue.]]
+
|-
[[Image:bsod2.jpg|thumb|One of the many historical instances of the Blue Screen of Death. [[Fidel Castro]]'s computer was the victim.]]
+
| colspan="2" style="padding: 1em 0; text-align: center;" | [[Image:Bsod-box.jpg|none|200px]]
The Blue Screen of Death ("BSoD," as it's affectionately called) is an event where your PC decides to be a little [[bitch]], and suddenly seizes up and fails to work.
+
|-
It is said that every time there is a BSOD, another angel gets its wings.
+
| colspan="2" {{American politics/party colours/{{{party_wikicolourid}}}}}|
  +
| colspan="2" {{American politics/party colours/{{{party_wikicolourid}}}}}|
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Publisher'''
  +
| [[Microsoft]]
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Release Date'''
  +
| August 24th, 1995
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Last Stable Release'''
  +
| v. 1.0 (August 24th, 1995)
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Genre(s)'''
  +
| [[Adventure]]/[[Puzzle]]
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Mode(s)'''
  +
| [[single player]]
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Platform(s)'''
  +
| Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, Windows ME, Windows 2000... ([[#Nearly Complete List of BSOD Platforms|See complete listing.]])
  +
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;"
  +
|'''Support status'''
  +
| currently active
  +
|-
  +
| colspan="2" {{American politics/party colours/{{{party_wikicolourid}}}}}|
  +
|}
   
Contrary to popular lore, a Blue Screen of Death (which may or may not be capitalized) is not fatal to [[You|the victim]]. Nothing died inside your computer. In fact, it is not even blue. It's really [[red]], you colour-blind [[masturbation|wanker]]!
+
The '''Blue Screen of Death''' (also known as "Blue Screen of Fun" and "Phatul Exception: The WRECKening") is a game developed by [[Microsoft]] wherein the screen simulates a "system error" and displays a series of nonsensical [[hexidecimal]] codes which are supposed to mean something. Since it's inception in 1995, BSOD has maintained it's position as the most played computer game ever, and is a cornerstone of the Microsoft Czarist Totalitarianism.
   
==History==
 
[[Image:bsodairport.jpg|thumb|left|Despite claims by the US Department of Defense, it is actually the BSOD which poses the greatest threat to international air safety.]]
 
[[Image:Bluescreen.gif|thumb|This is a ''computer simulation'' of the Blue Screen of Death—the real one is too psychologically traumatic to place on the Internet.]]
 
[[Image:Blue Screen of AAAAA.jpg|thumb|right|AAA AAAA AAAAAA AA [[AAAAAAAAA!|AAAAA]]]]
 
The history of the Blue Screen is vast and rather confusing, but we're doing our best to present it here for you.
 
===Before it was blue===
 
Originally, the Windows OS crashed and presented the user with a black screen of death. This very quickly became referred to as BSoD in shorthand. Microsoft, wanting to get away from this issue, decided to alter the colour of the screen so people would not refer to it in this way any more. Unfortunately, they picked a colour with the same first letter as black (blue, in case you're slow). Hence, it continued to be referred to as BSoD. And what's even more comical is that this is true; [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Screen_of_Death no, really].
 
   
===Origins===
+
==Origins==
The association of the colour blue with death, watery or otherwise, is readily visible throughout modern civilisation. Household cleaners such as bleach are packaged in blue bottles, in memory of those who, when the product was new to the market, mistook it for cheap ouzo and passed away through dissolution of the digestive tract. When one sings "The Blues" one is reflecting on the [[brevity]] of life, and the oblivion that awaits in death. Cheese and onion crisps, known to be the foulest of all snack foods, often come packaged in blue to ward off the purchaser. So, giving the blue screen its telltale blue <font color="#0000FF">(Hex #0000FF)</font> was obvious.
 
   
The phrase '''[[Blue]] [[Screen]] of [[Death]]''' has its origins in the maritime trade, particularly buccaneer lore of the sixteenth century. When a ship is sunk, all that is left is the morbidly still ocean, glistening bright blue in the Caribbean sun. Thus, when one heads out to sea, with the intention of meeting another boat, and all one sees is the rolling blue ocean, one can sadly assume that that boat has sunk.
+
In July of 1994, With the highly anticipated release of [[Windows 95]] still over a year away, Microsoft executive [[Charles Simonyi]] had a vision of adding a new game to the still-hypothetical operating system. He decided to include a highly conceptional game which (differing from Microsoft mainstays like '''Solitaire''', '''Minesweeper''' and '''Failing A Network Connection''') would actually decide itself when it was to be played.
   
The phrase later became assimilated into common language as a term referring to the feeling of empty hopelessness one experiences when faced with a vast expanse of watery oblivion. Staring out into Lake Windermere, the great poet [[William Blake|William Bleak]] was sufficiently moved by the still blueness that he wrote his masterpiece "Songs of Death", eventually going on to kick-start the [[goth]] movement.
+
Years later in an [[MSNBC]] interview, Simonyi recalled that the game was "a bit like a [[Russian Reversal]]" in which "the game, as if it were played in Soviet Russia, is more like the game you're playing is you... are... the game is '''you'''... are playing... These are more difficult to tell than I had thought."
   
===Microsoft's involvement===
+
Later in the interview, Simonyi admitted that his decision to include the game in the Operating System was fueled not by a desire for more innovative gameplay, but simply to prove that in a corporation with 70,000 employees, [[Bill Gates]] does not make each decision the public finds unpalatable.
The modern incarnation of the Blue Screen of Death was slipped into the very core of the [[Windows]] [[operating system]] at its inception, by a malicious developer with a sick interest in [[Pagan]] rites. The original [[Windows]] [[operating system]] kernel started with the [[Blue Screen of Death]] code, that was then later extended to include the scheduler, file I/O sub-system, memory management and so on, as this code was much more stable than the original [[Windows]] kernel.
 
   
It is rumoured that when one sees the ''Blue Screen of Death'' on a computer screen it wrenches a tiny part of your [[soul]] and binds it to the afflicted machine. Repeated exposure, legend has it, will eventually drain one's spirit, leaving a living corpse, pale and restless, existing without purpose and an unquenchable thirst for [[caffeine]].
+
===Building The Game===
   
With the advent of air travel in the twentieth century, it became applicable to the sky, as well as the sea: many an early airman was deemed lost to the ''Blue Screen of Death'' (although quite a few of them simply turned out to have gotten slightly lost and landed in the wrong place). Over time the ''Blue Screen'' has become synonymous with loss, emptiness and to some, the [[Devil]].
+
In the year leading up to the release of Windows 95, Simonyi toiled to get his dream released. In the first six months, he divided his time between sleeping, taking vacations, collecting massive paychecks, worrying about being "too rich", donating several thousand dollars to a random charity, spending several weeks demanding recognition for said donation, yelling at the TV whenever a rich Russian got into space, correcting mispronunciations of his last name, and living a far, far more extraordinary life than you ever will. Then, via [[e-mail]], he told his assistant to hire some guys.
   
In fact, as illustrated above, even the computers at the airports that show you when a plane leaves, can be affected.
+
The newly formed group of programmers (unofficially dubbed "Inadvertant Games", but who have been given other monickers far too impolite to publish here) set about to fulfill Simonyi's dream. And another six months and 46,000 [[kernel]] add-ons later, the game was revealed to the public.
   
==Repercussions==
+
===Reception===
With this in mind, the fact that the "''Blue Screen of Death''" is the most chilling and deadly entity in [[computer]] [[science]] is no surprise. They have been plaguing computer operators since someone had the bright idea of connecting a screen to a computer. This is one of the most puzzling phenomina in computing since during the 60's, 70's and [[80's]] the Blue Screen of Death was able to manifest itself in full blueness on green and amber monochrome cathode, black and white, and two tone LCD screens
 
In most cases escapeing from the "Blue Screen of Death" will give you a message that reads, "Your computer has downloaded 1 million viruses in the time you were on the 'Blue Screen of Death' due to the lack of constant attention."
 
   
==Cultural impact==
+
The initial reception to the BSOD was far greater than expected by Microsoft market analysts and freelance Wired "journalists". The '''Beaureu of Convenient But Factually Replete Statistics''' (BCBFRS) estimates that exactly 250,000 Windows users played at least 6 non-concurrent games of BSOD within a week of purchasing the system, and that another 140,000 users played the game in the middle of system installation. As news of the popularity of the game spread through the Microsoft offices, developers were quick to release [[patches]] to the public which varied the frequency of BSOD games, as well as the hexidecimal error messages contained within them.
The blue screen of death has had many social consequences. The [[Catholic Church]] has condemmed the blue screen of death for promoting a "culture of death". Instead, the church favors the "Ooops" kernel messages generated by [[linux]]. The phrase "Ooops" is a sacred part of Roman Catholic tradition, as it is the sound an [[Irish]] women makes when she realizes that the rythem method of [[birth control]] doesn't work.
 
   
A recent study conducted by an up-and-coming [[university]], the [[Massachusetts]] Institute of Technology, located (oddly) in [[Chicago]], has managed to determine the Blue Screen of Death as cause of other incidents. It was an extensive study, conducted for over 30 years by a group of under-fed under-grad students.
+
==Windows 98: A New Way To BSOD==
   
Results of Blue Screen of Death:
+
Despite the frequency with which these patches were released, Windows users finding themselves hungry for more opportunities to play BSOD, and the some of the later patches released actually had users playing the game ''less''. It occured, to one of Simonyi's assistants, that a new operating system would have to be made to fill this need.
* Broken computer equipment
 
* Violent crimes more common
 
* [[Suicide]] rate increase
 
* loss of data and piss-poor homemade movies
 
* Wet floor and terrified expression on the face of a person that used the computer last
 
* Mysterious fatalities of occupants in high-tech residences; this has recently been disproved, as they were all suffering from [[Ebola]].
 
* Increase in [[drug]] abuse rate
 
* Other potentially harmful side effects. [[Hurricane Katrina]] was blamed on a BSoD.
 
* The condition known as Blue Balls, where the BSOD keeps willing nerds at their computers for such a time that their balls give up on ever getting a woman and turn blue with rage.
 
   
==Weapon of mass destruction==
+
It so happens that meanwhile, Microsoft's Chief Media Analyst Pølski Fakenameovich was also lobbying for a new Windows release. Fakenameovich, relying heavily on data from the BCBFRS, believed that the public was clammoring for a new Windows operating system, and so delivered a rousing speech to Microsoft Executives' administrative assistants. "What the public ''needs'', he theorized, "is an Operating System which ''looks'' like Windows 95... but which ''performs'' like Windows 95." But despite his strong words, exaggerated hand gestures, and promise of free drinks (bottom or mid shelf only) to anyone who listened to his full speech, the speech fell on deaf ears. It also fell on the ears of people in the room who could hear, because they were more cautious than Ernie around bottle rockets. Disheartened but resolute, Fakenameovich continued his work, until a chance meeting changed his life forever.
The Blue Screen of Death is the most harmful and lethal weapon used by [[Bill Gates]]. As we all know, it is not fatal, so that really says a lot. This weapon has driven millions of poor IT-Service Technicians into death or insanity, or both. Far, far too many victims on this planet have survived the mighty BSOD.
 
   
The newest [[bomb|Weapon of Mass destruction]] that Bill Gates is about to create is called Windows Vista. Spies already reported, that it has an improved version of the Blue Screen of Death with ''still'' no effect - even on [[kitten huffing|kittens]]!
+
===The chance meeting alluded to===
   
The only chance to survive a BSOD attack is being on the light side. Which means that you have to be a [[kernel]]-developer for [[Linux]] and worshipping [[Tux]]. Obviously, this means you don't use windows anyways, so you're fucked regardless.
+
[[Image:TeenageGirlBathroom.jpg|thumb|200px|Above: A picture which has absolutely nothing to do with the article you're reading, but is meant to keep you from getting bored of reading about operating systems.]]
   
The only known antidote to the Blue Screen of Death is to make a screen shot of it (by typing Alt-PrtScrn) and e-mailing the result to ten of your friends. They'll kill you, but you will be rid of the motherfucker.
+
Before creating an akward scene by an "accidental" breast grope, Fakenameovich confided in Simonyi's assistant his difficulties with the current Windows operating system, and she mentioned that Simonyi too was having reservations about Windows 95, or that at least she perceived that he was, since he had complained that he was four strokes over par the previous week, and couldn't figure out what was screwing his game up.
   
ahhhhhhhhh smithers.....
+
Emoldened by the news and half-numb from the slap he had just received, Fakenameovich furiously typed out an e-mail to the uncomely Microsoft executive. He reiterated the words exchanged (mostly) between himself and Simonyi's assistant and addressed his belief in a need for a completely new operating system which was totally the same. A week later, Fakenameovich got his response:
   
== Open Source Implementations ==
+
I'm in Bali. Do whatever the fuck you want.<br/>
[[Richard Stallman]] is currently working on a GNU-license based implementation of the [[Blue Screen of Death]]. As a result [[Linux]] developers are including this code into their kernel -- however it is highly detested by [[Linus Torvalds]] who thinks that the kernel should not have any error code at all. [[Red Hat]] has released a special [[Linux]] distribution that includes this implementation, with a red hat shown in the top-left corner as their contribution to the code.
+
XO,<br/>
  +
Charlie
   
==Microsoft's Link with the Blue screen of death==
+
With that, Fakenameovich teamed up with the Inadvertant Games group and the project was underway.
   
Microsoft have been deemed the worst company to have such critical errors as the Blue screen of death. The vice president of marketing for microsoft gave a statement on how they will redeem themselves, by saying "Our new piece of technology will never have such problems as the blue screen of death, broken disc trays and a problem of overheating. Yes the Xbox 360 will be microsofts step forward into an unbreakable future"
+
===BSOD Integration===
== External Links ==
 
*[http://www.microsoft.com/technet/sysinternals/Miscellaneous/BlueScreen.mspx Download the Blue Screen of Death screen saver]
 
   
==See also==
+
[[Image:Greil_Marcus_1A.jpg|left|thumb|140px|Greil Marcus, delivered in sharp contrast form the previous picture]]The integration between Windows 95 and the Blue Screen of Death was heralded by [[Rolling Stone Magazine]]'s [[Greil Marcus]] as "a seamless integration between operating system, and game which the operating system has commanded I play" in an issue which also heralded the movie as [[Evita]] as "not ''that'' bad", but they were right about the former. The handling of BSOD on Windows 98 is widely viewed as "the best" yet, and in 1999 BSOD was even more widely played by computer users everywhere.
* [[Microsoft]]
+
* [[Pirate]]s
+
===Windows 2000 & Beyond===
* [[AAAAAAAAA!]]
+
* [[1337]]
+
The release of Windows 2000 marked a slowing in development for BSOD. With the rise of the internet, Windows users were now tempted to cheat, and find out what the fatal exception error hexidecimals [[nothing|meant]], and with this wealth of information began the Great Numberology Depression of 2001. BSOD was being phased out in favor of [[Windows 2000]]'s newly packaged game: '''Security Flaws''', and Windows XP's blockbuster sequel '''Click the X on the speech bubble that comes out of the Start Bar'''. However, new technolgy, old software, and the proliferation of blinking lights assures that BSOD's history has yet to be written.
* The [[White Cliffs of Dover]]
+
* [[Pwned]]
+
==How To Play BSOD==
* [[Zune]]
+
* [[The Red Screen of Anger]]
+
[[Image:Happy-man-computer.jpg|right|thumb|140px|"SHIT!": A stock image model plays a round of BSOD]]
* [[The Purple Screen of Serenity]]
+
* [[The Pink Screen of Love]]
+
The rules for BSOD are elegantly simple. To begin the game, simply use your computer. You may try to use BSOD-enhancing applications like [[The Sims]] or [[Half_life_2|Half Life 2]], but most users prefer to start the process by creating a long [[Microsoft Word]] document. If you like, you can even just let your computer remain dormant for a while. Whatever you choose, BSOD will decide when it's time to be played.
* [[The Green Screen of Life]]
+
* [[The Orange Screen of Humour]]
+
Once you see the screen, the game has begun, and that means '''you win!''' Upon winning, BSOD players are expected to make the customary chant "Shit!" before staring at the screen with their head in their hands and try to remember the last time they saved. More rambunctious players (known as "BSOD hooligans" in the [[UK]]) have been known to smash their monitors and computer cases in misdirected excitement.
* [[The Gold Screen of Health]]
+
* [[The Yellow Screen of Hope]]
+
===Options Confusion===
* [[The Brown Screen of Shit]]
+
{{rewrite}}
+
Some users have found themselves confused at BSOD's "instant win architecture", and the appearance of "options" on the screen itself. The options are actually a [[façade]], meant to appeal to users familiar with games like [[Zork]] and who crave interaction in their interactive games. The first option given, "press any key to terminate the current application", is there for appearances only, as pressing the spacebar to terminate the current application only paves the way for the user to press the spacebar 50 more times in frustration. The second option, "Press CTRL+ALT+DEL again to restart your computer [something about losing data]", is actually the only correct and viable option, unless that doesn't work, in which case users are encouraged to use the '''Power Button Game Accessory''' packaged with many computers.
[[es:Pantallazo Azul]]
+
[[category:Computers and Technology]]
+
==Nearly Complete List of BSOD Platforms==
[[category:Death]]
+
Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, Windows ME, Windows 2000, whatever that "Vista" thing is, ReactOS Xbox, Xbox 360, Windows CE, a bunch of payphones, electronic ticket counters, any other computers in airports, some ATMs, McDonald's cash registers, lots of other cash registers, those stupid music stations in record stores which never have anything good on them, computer operated billboards (!?), automated checkouts, and in [[Las Vegas]]: Everywhere.
[[category:Disasters]]
 

Revision as of 12:05, November 30, 2006

Blue Screen of Death
Bsod-box
Publisher Microsoft
Release Date August 24th, 1995
Last Stable Release v. 1.0 (August 24th, 1995)
Genre(s) Adventure/Puzzle
Mode(s) single player
Platform(s) Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, Windows ME, Windows 2000... (See complete listing.)
Support status currently active

The Blue Screen of Death (also known as "Blue Screen of Fun" and "Phatul Exception: The WRECKening") is a game developed by Microsoft wherein the screen simulates a "system error" and displays a series of nonsensical hexidecimal codes which are supposed to mean something. Since it's inception in 1995, BSOD has maintained it's position as the most played computer game ever, and is a cornerstone of the Microsoft Czarist Totalitarianism.


Origins

In July of 1994, With the highly anticipated release of Windows 95 still over a year away, Microsoft executive Charles Simonyi had a vision of adding a new game to the still-hypothetical operating system. He decided to include a highly conceptional game which (differing from Microsoft mainstays like Solitaire, Minesweeper and Failing A Network Connection) would actually decide itself when it was to be played.

Years later in an MSNBC interview, Simonyi recalled that the game was "a bit like a Russian Reversal" in which "the game, as if it were played in Soviet Russia, is more like the game you're playing is you... are... the game is you... are playing... These are more difficult to tell than I had thought."

Later in the interview, Simonyi admitted that his decision to include the game in the Operating System was fueled not by a desire for more innovative gameplay, but simply to prove that in a corporation with 70,000 employees, Bill Gates does not make each decision the public finds unpalatable.

Building The Game

In the year leading up to the release of Windows 95, Simonyi toiled to get his dream released. In the first six months, he divided his time between sleeping, taking vacations, collecting massive paychecks, worrying about being "too rich", donating several thousand dollars to a random charity, spending several weeks demanding recognition for said donation, yelling at the TV whenever a rich Russian got into space, correcting mispronunciations of his last name, and living a far, far more extraordinary life than you ever will. Then, via e-mail, he told his assistant to hire some guys.

The newly formed group of programmers (unofficially dubbed "Inadvertant Games", but who have been given other monickers far too impolite to publish here) set about to fulfill Simonyi's dream. And another six months and 46,000 kernel add-ons later, the game was revealed to the public.

Reception

The initial reception to the BSOD was far greater than expected by Microsoft market analysts and freelance Wired "journalists". The Beaureu of Convenient But Factually Replete Statistics (BCBFRS) estimates that exactly 250,000 Windows users played at least 6 non-concurrent games of BSOD within a week of purchasing the system, and that another 140,000 users played the game in the middle of system installation. As news of the popularity of the game spread through the Microsoft offices, developers were quick to release patches to the public which varied the frequency of BSOD games, as well as the hexidecimal error messages contained within them.

Windows 98: A New Way To BSOD

Despite the frequency with which these patches were released, Windows users finding themselves hungry for more opportunities to play BSOD, and the some of the later patches released actually had users playing the game less. It occured, to one of Simonyi's assistants, that a new operating system would have to be made to fill this need.

It so happens that meanwhile, Microsoft's Chief Media Analyst Pølski Fakenameovich was also lobbying for a new Windows release. Fakenameovich, relying heavily on data from the BCBFRS, believed that the public was clammoring for a new Windows operating system, and so delivered a rousing speech to Microsoft Executives' administrative assistants. "What the public needs, he theorized, "is an Operating System which looks like Windows 95... but which performs like Windows 95." But despite his strong words, exaggerated hand gestures, and promise of free drinks (bottom or mid shelf only) to anyone who listened to his full speech, the speech fell on deaf ears. It also fell on the ears of people in the room who could hear, because they were more cautious than Ernie around bottle rockets. Disheartened but resolute, Fakenameovich continued his work, until a chance meeting changed his life forever.

The chance meeting alluded to

File:TeenageGirlBathroom.jpg

Before creating an akward scene by an "accidental" breast grope, Fakenameovich confided in Simonyi's assistant his difficulties with the current Windows operating system, and she mentioned that Simonyi too was having reservations about Windows 95, or that at least she perceived that he was, since he had complained that he was four strokes over par the previous week, and couldn't figure out what was screwing his game up.

Emoldened by the news and half-numb from the slap he had just received, Fakenameovich furiously typed out an e-mail to the uncomely Microsoft executive. He reiterated the words exchanged (mostly) between himself and Simonyi's assistant and addressed his belief in a need for a completely new operating system which was totally the same. A week later, Fakenameovich got his response:

   I'm in Bali. Do whatever the fuck you want.
XO,
Charlie

With that, Fakenameovich teamed up with the Inadvertant Games group and the project was underway.

BSOD Integration

File:Greil Marcus 1A.jpg
The integration between Windows 95 and the Blue Screen of Death was heralded by Rolling Stone Magazine's Greil Marcus as "a seamless integration between operating system, and game which the operating system has commanded I play" in an issue which also heralded the movie as Evita as "not that bad", but they were right about the former. The handling of BSOD on Windows 98 is widely viewed as "the best" yet, and in 1999 BSOD was even more widely played by computer users everywhere.

Windows 2000 & Beyond

The release of Windows 2000 marked a slowing in development for BSOD. With the rise of the internet, Windows users were now tempted to cheat, and find out what the fatal exception error hexidecimals meant, and with this wealth of information began the Great Numberology Depression of 2001. BSOD was being phased out in favor of Windows 2000's newly packaged game: Security Flaws, and Windows XP's blockbuster sequel Click the X on the speech bubble that comes out of the Start Bar. However, new technolgy, old software, and the proliferation of blinking lights assures that BSOD's history has yet to be written.

How To Play BSOD

Happy-man-computer

"SHIT!": A stock image model plays a round of BSOD

The rules for BSOD are elegantly simple. To begin the game, simply use your computer. You may try to use BSOD-enhancing applications like The Sims or Half Life 2, but most users prefer to start the process by creating a long Microsoft Word document. If you like, you can even just let your computer remain dormant for a while. Whatever you choose, BSOD will decide when it's time to be played.

Once you see the screen, the game has begun, and that means you win! Upon winning, BSOD players are expected to make the customary chant "Shit!" before staring at the screen with their head in their hands and try to remember the last time they saved. More rambunctious players (known as "BSOD hooligans" in the UK) have been known to smash their monitors and computer cases in misdirected excitement.

Options Confusion

Some users have found themselves confused at BSOD's "instant win architecture", and the appearance of "options" on the screen itself. The options are actually a façade, meant to appeal to users familiar with games like Zork and who crave interaction in their interactive games. The first option given, "press any key to terminate the current application", is there for appearances only, as pressing the spacebar to terminate the current application only paves the way for the user to press the spacebar 50 more times in frustration. The second option, "Press CTRL+ALT+DEL again to restart your computer [something about losing data]", is actually the only correct and viable option, unless that doesn't work, in which case users are encouraged to use the Power Button Game Accessory packaged with many computers.

Nearly Complete List of BSOD Platforms

Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, Windows ME, Windows 2000, whatever that "Vista" thing is, ReactOS Xbox, Xbox 360, Windows CE, a bunch of payphones, electronic ticket counters, any other computers in airports, some ATMs, McDonald's cash registers, lots of other cash registers, those stupid music stations in record stores which never have anything good on them, computer operated billboards (!?), automated checkouts, and in Las Vegas: Everywhere.

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