From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“The only thing worse than listening to black metal is not listen....oh wait, never mind. ”
“ARGAAAAAHHHHAAA! if Satan actually likes this shit, then he's the world's biggest fag, I'm quiting this church right now and telling Jesus I'm sorry. ”
The three ultimate purposes of Black Metal are: deafening the whole population of earth (including humans, roadies, dogs and lizards), overthrowing today's fashion scene by introducing all-season, barbed-wire-coated, spiked and uncomfortable clothing and desecrating Christian symbols. We get it, your dad made you go to church too early as a kid; can you please forget the Black Metal and get another hobby now? Jesus, you guys are tedious...
In a literal sense, black metal also refers to metals that are colored black, such as black gold and pig iron. The controversial use of that kind of material include black golden wristwatches and extremely ugly necklaces.
Black Metal is currently the only known reason Swedes are letting Norwegians exist.
It is commonly known that black metal started when the Beatles broke up and, imitating the growling dog sounds in their song "Hey Bulldog", invented a type of singing called "growls" or "grunts" that have since been utilized by a series of singers who want to sound "evil" or "tough." Another early important influence was the Swedish group Abazagorath, who later found international fame after changing their image and music, and shortening their name to Abba; predictably, their early fans accused them of "selling out."
Black Metal fans and musicians rarely have sex, and are forced to perpetuate by converting new members. This lack of sexual experience is obvious from such Black Metal lyrics that attempt to describe intercourse as "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
Black metal has received a bad reputation because many of the bands in the genre support replacing traditional Judeo-Christian culture with Norse Paganism. The reason many bands feel ancient Paganism is the true religion, and a good explanation for there actions, is that in Norse mythology the people of Earth were seperated from the Gods by a rainbow bridge not unlike the one used by the Care Bears. While this may seem like a strange connection, many Black Metal artists ended up with severe metal disorders because they were not able to, as children, receive Care Bear Dolls the Christmas season they were the hot toy. It is a logical conclusion that they would reject the Christian tradition of Christmas and pefer to bring back the Norse Paganism that connects them to there loveable Care Bears.
Some people think 50 cent started black metal, but that is only some....
Black Metal of Today
Black metal of today is full of little poser kids who moan about Immortal and Emperor being posers whilst they listen to Darkthrone and Burzum. The other half of the black metal scene consists of old people whining about all those kids whilst they still enjoy Burzum and old Bathory. They totally support the burning of churches because Varg did it. These people buy every new release the minute it comes out then uploads it onto SoulSeek then never listens to it and claim: I like their old stuff for their values and I listen to their new stuff merely for enjoyment. They never listen to anything new, or else people might make fun of them. Listening to only old albums is so cool! It's totally black metal! Therefore, they continue to be pussies and only listen to what others say. How metal and non-conformist!
Note: While chatting on Soulseek, every band sucks. If you say you like a band, you're a poser. If you ever hear a band mentioned, tell everyone that they suck. As soon as you've heard of them, they have automatically sold out. Being elitist is totally Black Metal.
The term true kvlt is confusing to many because of the replacement of "v" for "u". This is explained as follows: replacing "u" with "v" somehow makes you more evil. Scholars today are at complete loss to understand how creative spelling can alter someone's moral fiber, Myspace profiles having given rise to an entire branch of linguistics. BLACK METAL IST KRIEG!!!
Goats in Black Metal
It is a common myth that only humans play Black metal, but the truth of the matter is most BMers are actually Goats, of which most are blue eyed, blonde/light brown haired Aryan and Satanic Heathen goats, they pretend to be humans but you can tell by there Vocals, Tr00 Aryan g0atz ov der deep south australia and grim north Norway, have a vibrating tone to their voice. These goats hide in secret building with their armies ov haunting demonic howls anti-human goat chants of Odin planning for the human Ragnarok and once again Goats shall reign the earth, and their Goat Black Metal Anthems. Remember that goats are Grim, Evil, Misanthropic and Necro, sheep are not.
How to tell Black metal from Death metalThink the two genres are just bloodthirstingly, deafeningly the same? Well, almost.
Death Metal players worship Fauscsk, the Princess of Catholic Child Pornographers, Goa Tse, Herbert West: re-animator, and the founder of Hootie and The Blowfish.
Truth be told, though, Black Metal is for posers who think they are really tough and "Satanic/Pagan" even though they don't really know the difference but it's so culty cult who cares lols.
The backup vocalist in a Death Metal band usually sounds like some sort of cute animal being drowned in a bucket of ammonia.
Death metal is just noise with slight variations , while Black Metal is static .
National Socialist Black Metal
-they have Hitler or a swastika on their cover -if they have a Hitler inflatable doll with them -if they suffer an erection when the name of Hitler is mentioned -if you use the term aryan although your hair is dyed black and your eyes are browner than shit -if they speak monosyllabic ramblings about dicks and hitlers taint. -when you claim that your christian grandfather is pagan, and that pagan means nazism.... -Also all NSBmers are actually jewish, they are just scared to face the facts and beleive they are true kvlt.
Although this kind of music is incredibly popular amongst certain emasculated, repressed homosexual subcultures, in countries like Kazakhstan it doesn't recieve much respect.
(Pictured below Polish sausage warmer Rob Darken, brother of Hot Topic messiah Donnie Darken)
Black Metal Ist Jenny Craig
How to make Black Metal:
- 1)Having band members is entirely optional. You could form a solo project and create suicidal black metal about how lonely and depressed you are. Even better, have no members whatsoever in your band and release albums that don't exist.
- 2)Get yourselves some cool names - maybe steal them from someone elses song titles, or pets, or failing that, something that sounds cold with a couple of 'oths' for best effect. Note : If you find a cooler Nickname than the previous nickname...Officialise it till you find a cooler nickname. Alternatively, you can use the words for "Death" or "Hate" in a foreign language.
- 3) Make the most simple guitar riff you can come up within an hour of fucking around, remember it - you'll be playing it for a while, so invent something that won't strain your hand, and will still allow you to manually stimulate your pet goat after the gig. Do keep in mind that melodies are for emo fags. Use nothing but tremelo riffs or your face will be eaten by a Mesopotamian deity.
- 4) Don't even bother with a rhythm guitar; your bathroom sink, when turned on full blast, will compensate for the lack of one. Or you could record TV static or a chainsaw cutting through some Christian's face for the same effect.
- 5) Hammer as quickly as possible on a drum-kit; in a pinch, tape-record a jackhammer and use that sound. (This can be more technical than the guitar)
- 6) Use an old bass and repeat the same riff throughout your entire album.
- 7) Repeat 3 times making minor changes.
- 8) Record it on tape with your dads old barely-functional tape recorder
- 9) Think of an angry sentence and repeat it and occasionally add words such as "North, Grim, Necro, Heil, Forest ect". Try to sound like a dying vampire bat while recording your vocals. Kill one to figure out what this should sound like.
- 10)While recording, make sure you pick somewhere that echoes, like a cave under a mountain, a mile deep in a forest or the Edvard Grieg Hall. This will make your music sound like complete shit and therefore epic as hell.
- 11) Growl the word "SATAN" in the background of howling wolves or ringing chains at least one time through the song, hoof beats are good for a change.
- 12) Make up your album title from three random evil/angry words. Best examples from Black Metals motherland: Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Death Cult Armageddon, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Godless Savage Garden, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, etc. (All by Dimmu Borgir - the tr00 masters ov black metal album titles)
- 13) Put it all together and you have your first demo!
- 14) Make a split album with the most unknown black metal bands you can find. Actually, make everything you record splits and EPs. This proves to the listeners that you are too poor to make a full length album, and therefore KVLT AS FVCK!!! Also, the less copies you make of each release the better.
- 15) For your album cover, simply take the crappiest camera you can find in your grandfather's attic, go out to the frozen middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in full corpsepaint, leather gimp suits, armbands with 10-inch carpentry nails, and a good splash of goat's blood on your person. Some medieval-looking weapons are good too. And skulls, LOTS of skulls. For added grim/necro effect, go to the local gay bar and take some queer prisoner. Use him for Pagan rituals to increase the black glory of your Satanic feng shui. If everything feels right, start acting like a troll and jumping around in trees looking constipated. Take some pictures of this and voila, you have the ultimate Black Metal cover art.
- 16) If you decide to do a live gig, remember to wear "corpse paint" that was trite when KISS did it in 1977 and is even tackier today, as many large nails per square inch on leather as you can carry on your arms, maybe a bullet belt or two - for that medieval look. You could kill a few animals on stage, stick the carcass' on pointy things, nail some people to crosses, and try to draw peoples attention away for your nonexistant musical talent and get them angry. Try as hard as you can to get banned from every country you visit. At this point release the faggot you caught and tortured earlier and let him loose into the crowd. Also pass out razorblades to all the crowd members. No fake blood at a true black metal gig.
- 17) As in all metal, pissing people off is key. The more Nazi, sexist, violent, misanthropic, bloody and anti-Christian sentiments you have in your music, the better.
- 18) Kill yourself, leaving a humorous goodbye note, that could possibly be used in a later song by the rest of the surviving members if they discover it before their stabbing contest.
- 19) Use your Tri-tones kids!
- 20) And most importantly: Take yourself far to seriously!
Spelling and Diction in Black Metal
How To sound necro:
- 1) Make everything look like Norwegian. For example don't say Black Metal when you can say Blækk Mettal
- 2) Add senseless adjectives: Why say Blak Metal when you can say Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
- 3) Use the words tru, grim, necro and fuck as gratutiously as possible. Why say Norsk Arisk Blak Metal when you can say Fucking Tru and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
- 4) Randomly start sounding like a 13 year old AOLer. Why say Fucking Trve and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say Fucking Tr00 and K\/|_T Gr1m N3cr0 N0rsk Arisk Blaek M3htul??
- 5) Actually, the best thing still is to simply add as many senseless adjectives as possible, as long as they are fucking trve: Why say Fucking Tr00 and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Frostbittene Hatefvl Kold Pvre Elitist Thrashy Satanic Icy Norwegian Raw Pagan National-Socialist Suicidal Blasphemic Fistfvkking Panzerkrieg Orthodox Hellfyred Goat-n-roll Mysanthropik Hyperspeed Diabolikal Goat-Worshipping Germansk Hedensk Necro Hellnorsk Arysk Svarte Metall????
- 6) DER FVKK. DER KVLT DIZVGREZZ GRYM DAATH TO VLL
- 7) Put the word Panzer in at least one of your releases. Being unoriginal is the tr00 way to be kvlt.
How to write Black lyrics
The main keyword to write blak grim kvlt necro lyrics is : Christ killing,child raping, goat shagging non pagan whore: This would actualy be said as :ARGHHHHHHH RGGRRHRHRRHRHRHR:. This is just the basic text. True talents add more words to the text like : 'satan' or 'blood' or 'raaah'. Some true geniuses add random German words (example : 'Black Metal ist krieg'). It's important to know where to stop. You shouldn't add too many words to the basic text, because that's too mainstream and not kvlt at all. After you have the basic structure of your song, place the text into an online translator and translate it to Norwegian. Then translate the translated text back into English. Give the song a name in German. The finished product should be in the LANGUAGE OF THE BEAST! And that makes it ultra-hardcore.
Can I play Black Metal?
This question has a lot of paths. First of all, it is not necessary to know how to play guitar, it is not necessary to know how to play the bass or even the drums, and something that is very common,it is not necessary to know how to sing, because the only sounds that you need you can find them in the WC when you have been eating tacos or burritos with chilli. Take care when you are invocating the Lord of the Darkness, because He doesn´t like little stupid bands of people wearing make-up trying to say everywhere/time - Satan!!!!
With this said, many people don't realize that Black Metal bands are actually grunting the following:
"Satan!" -- Is actually "Suntan!" "Death!" -- Is actually "Deaf!" (as in "I'm going deaf by listening to this music.") "Evil!" -- Is actually a "Weavil" "I Am Going to Kill You!" -- Is actually "I am going to give you a big hug!"
- ↑ Note: Black metal should not be confused with Negroes or Africans playing heavy metal, such as Jimi Hendrix or Living Colour; everyone knows those musicians rock, but that Black Metal is for pathetic teenagers who hate their fathers and those distinguished individuals that truly follow the left hand path. The two are rather hard to tell apart but go up to the wrong one and hurl insults and recieve and offering of cold steel trust into your chestplate. See Alan Alda's Men Who Create Geometric Patterns on Their Faces With Black and White Make Up Take It Up Their Repressed Homo Asses, Oxford Universtiy Press, 1979
- ↑ Texas Tea
- ↑ So evil it's pronounced "eee-vil"
- ↑ As in most cases, "selling out" means "making lots of money and, by comparison, making you feel like the pathetic loser you actually are."
- True Metal
- Grand Theft Auto: Norway
- Varg Vikernes
- Church arson
- Fried eggs
- Britney Spears
- Virgin sacrifice
- The 101 rules of Black Metal 
- The Unholy Black Metal Songtitle-o-matic 
- No falses entry
- Cult of Personality
- Liberal Democrat black metal
- Acoustic Black Metal