Bizarro Jesus

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{{Q|This guy scared the white out of me.|Oscar Wilde|Bizarro Jesus}}
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'''[[Special:Random|I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR TASMANIA AND ROMARTUS I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR AND HAPPY NEW CANCER]]'''
{{Q|This is God speaking. That is all.|God|Bizarro Jesus}}
 
{{Q|This guys a clown, i'm way awesomer than he is|Real Jesus on Bizarro Jesus}}
 
   
Born at around [[1 AD - 999 AD|70 AD]], Bizarro Jesus was created by [[Buddha]] in an attempt to restore the cosmic balance back to a state of neutrality. The exact [[Sin|Yin]] to the [[Original Jesus|Original Jesus's]] [[Wang|Yang]], Bizarro Jesus was the complete polar opposite of our true [[Lord]] and Saviour (though, strangely, not the anti-Christ). While not evil ''per se'', Bizarro Jesus' singular aim was to follow Jesus' life, but taking the dark path instead of the light one, there by bringing harmony once more to the universe. Physically, he looked just like the [[Original Jesus]], except he had no [[beard]], just a goatee moustache taken from a (willing) goat.
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I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR TASMANIA AND ROMARTUS I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR AND HAPPY NEW CANCER
   
[[Image:bizarrojesus.jpg|thumb|Oh, and he had blue skin as well]]
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I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR TASMANIA AND ROMARTUS I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR AND HAPPY NEW CANCER
   
==Bizarro Jesus, a [[Life]] in [[Bullet]] Points==
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I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR TASMANIA AND ROMARTUS I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR AND HAPPY NEW CANCER
* Was born following the miracle of 'un-immaculate' conception (knocked up by three bikers on a pool table)
 
* Studied to be an insurance salesman
 
* Turned [[wine]] into [[Urine]]
 
* Never ever went on and on about his dad...not even once!
 
* Ate the poor
 
* Attacked the crippled
 
* Repelled many potential followers with his scatalogical Sermon in the Ditch
 
* Lasted about 20 minutes in the desert before magiking up a bean burrito
 
* During the last [[breakfast]] he got drunk, and slept with the waitress
 
* Had a few more suppers afterwards
 
* Killed Lazarus
 
* Served some time, got out and got back on track....for a few hours
 
* Sold out [[Judas|Bizzaro Judas]] to the Romans for some ice cream
 
* Crucified on a nought that was Fedex'ed to Golgotha
 
* Stayed dead.
 
   
==The Many Marvellous Miracles of Bizarro Jesus==
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I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR TASMANIA AND ROMARTUS I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR AND HAPPY NEW CANCER
{| style="background-color: #FFFFFF; color: #000000; border: solid 1px #bbbbbb; padding: 2px" align="center"
 
|| [[Image:Flesh.jpg|640px]]
 
|-
 
| align="center" | <strong style="font-size:150%;">Eat this, for this is my flesh.</strong>
 
|}
 
* Turned water into urine and drank it, saying cryptically, "This cup is the new testament in my blood: this don't do ye, as ne'er ye drink it, and forget of me."
 
* Brutally murdered 5000 people and fed their remains to two loaves of bread and a fish.
 
* Walked underwater
 
* Set up payday loans at the Temple; ("This is a house of bargains!")
 
* Killed Bizarro Lazarus; ("He killed for your sins")
 
* Peed on the cross
 
* Knew everything
 
* Threw rocks at people
 
* Turned chalk into Meth
 
* Got the Holy Spirit drunk on his own Holy Spirit while in a "Too Drunk to Funk" T-Shirt
 
* Is a Satanist
 
* Loved by the Pharisees
 
 
==Bizarro Jesus Quotes==
 
"Judge not lest ye feel like buying me a pint"
 
 
"Cursed are the freaks, for they shall become performers in [[Circus|circuses]]."
 
 
"Father, why have you forsa-- ... Oh, wait."
 
 
"What, a rap battle? Okay, but you should know that I'm Bizarro Jesus - that means if I lose I'm going to stab you in the jaw."
 
*" '''But I say unto you "=" That every idle word that Men shall speak "=" they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. "=" Mat 12:36 "="
 
 
==External Links==
 
* An incarnation of Bizarro Jesus appears in the webcomic [http://www.paranoiddreams.com Minimalist Stick Figure Theatre]
 
{{minor-jesii}}
 
[[Category:Christianity]]
 
[[Category:Bizarro World]]
 
 
[[de:Bizarro Jesus]]
 
[[fr:Chésus Jrist]]
 
[[pt:Cresus Jisto]]
 

Revision as of 12:41, March 20, 2012

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I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR TASMANIA AND ROMARTUS I WISH YOU'VE A MERRY TUMOR AND HAPPY NEW CANCER

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