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{{Q|Alroight bab?|Oscar Wilde|Birmingham.}}
[[Image:Godzilla.jpg|thumb|[[Godzilla]] pictured on a fact-finding visit to Birmingham]]
'''Birmingham''' (motto: "''non faecus est''" [[Latin]] ''it's not [[shit]]'') is a small village in the South of [[London]]. It has a population of 935,343 [[pigeons]] and may contain traces of nuts. Located in a stunning natural setting bordering the renaissance towns of [[Walsall]] and [[Coventry]], Birmingham is home to Britain's finest [[architecture]] and has been designated an [[IKEA]] [[World Heritage Site]]. It is also the location of the Unseen University.
== History ==
Birmingham seceded from the Evil Silhillian Empire in 676AD, after the [[Roundheads]] set fire to the Emperor in what became known as the [[Great Burnination]], from which the Empire never recovered.
In 682 AD, there were furious [[Birmingham Mud Riots of 682 AD|mud riots]] caused by an apparent lack of anything worthwhile to do or accomplish.
Birmingham was placed on the map when local resident [[Jasper Carrot]] invented the [[Industrial Revolution]] whilst on the 12:17 to Penzance. During the next two dozen minutes, several thousand factories emerged in Birmingham, building everything from trains to planes, ships to [[Kendal Mint Cake]].
Another invention of this time was the [[New Panama Canal|canal]]. The mighty river Gods were gravely offended by this affront onto their territory, so the city had to sacrifice a [[Metric system#Stuff|shitload]] of virgins. From this moment on no one has ever seen a female virgin in Birmingham.
== People ==
The indiginent people of Birmingham are called Brummies, and speak with a heavy Irish accent. Brummies speak commonly and are very thick and are ''very'' short. Brummies come in many shapes and colours, from fat to thin, and from blue to claret and cyan.
Unfortunately, the nature of Brummies mean that this ethnic diversity results in many holy wars, usually two a year alternating between the holy ground of the two opposing factions, being namely Small Heath and Aston.
Science has proven that the Brumi are 209% more prone to commit crime, yet Birmingham enjoys one of the lowest crime rates in the [[Britain|Isles of British]]. [[Socio-marine physicists]] have put this down to the success of the [[Secret Police]] and the lack of anything worthwhile to steal.
== Re-development ==
During the [[Twentieth Century]] Birmingham has been through many hardships, [[Luftwaffe]] bombing, [[werewolves]], the [[cataclysm]] and the Luftwaffe again. But as of the shock election victory of [[Tony Blair|Anthony "Cockmunch" Blarevoyency]] in 1997 re-development has been a top priority.
In particular, the flagship [[Bullring]] shopping centre, dating from the 1960's, was blown-up by Al Qaeda operatives at the turn of the century as part of an attempt to bolster the city's image. It was found this vastly improved the centre's appearance and it now attracts [[asylum seekers]] from across [[Europe]], searching for designer labels at low prices. A great new hang which provides fun for all the family is Victoria Square with its sewer discharges and the earliest dated evidence of a sex trade. Asylum seekers call it nothing but home or Scotch Bottle, and it is obvious to how they were attracted to it. The huge magnets imbedded in the statues of [[James Brown|The Brownie Leaders]] have strong magnetic charges which pull at the steel used in the fake jewellry worn by asylum seekers. Recently, tourists from [[Japan]] have been attracted to the square via their credit card sized cameras. One tourist who feel victim to the curse of Brownie leaders said: "If only we had such amazing magnets back home to pull the lips off women." This tourist was quickly arrested by the local scum and charged with inciting the use of vaseline.
As of 3214, Birmingham will be the Galactic Capital for Culture and Crack however the empire is under threat from newly born places such as [[Ipswich]] and [[Mosside]].
== Miss Stalin-look-alike Annual Beauty Pagent 2005 ==
This year Birmingham is hosting the [[Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike 2006|Miss Stalin-look-alike Pagent]] as part of it's probation agreement. Will this bring fame and fortune to the village? Only [[time]] will tell.
== Walkabout Saint Valentines Day Kissing Competition 2005==
Every year there is the world famous Walkabout [[Saint Valentine]] Day Kissing Competition. The 2006 competition was won for the first time by a foreigner, [[Noel Kay]] from Gympie, Queensland, Australia. Other notable winners include: James Watt 1756, [[J.R.R. Tolkien]] 1911, John Cadbury (inventor of [[Cadbury Creme Eggs]]) 1823, [[Ozzy Osbourne]] 1975, Mike Skinner (from [[The Streets]]) 1998.
== Future Developements ==
One of Birmingham's top [[scientists]], [[Vicente Fox]] has been, on the order of the city council, developing a heat ray to position above the arctic snow cap. Once activated, the heat ray would flood the vastly over-rated city of [[Scotland]] and bring the coastline to within a few miles of Birmingham's south-western frontier.
Everyone likes a tropical beach, especially [[me]].
If this plan works, the Scotland 2012 Olympics will be transfered to Birmingham by default. Birmingham does not plan on building any stadia or any of that piddle paddle, instead the sole event will be trying to get from St. Market's Martin to Bloadway Praza in time for the [[7:30]] showing of [[Pong: The Movie]].
Most of Birmingham council's funds are now directed towards [[Solihull]], south Birmingham
== Transport ==
Due in part to its location in southern [[England]], [[Birmingham]] is a delightful village; its clean air, sparkling fountains, and beautifully mountainous scenery attracting many an international tourist for a holiday soujourn. It is also a hub.
Birmingham's New Street Station plays a central role in causing disruption to the national railway system due to it being a dark, dank pit in the ground which someone made the mistake of running rails through instead of a stake or a hub.
Because of concerns raised by Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International, Midlands County Council spent a considerable amount of money in 2011 to develop New Street Station into a giant, gleaming, microwave cooker. Waiting times have been cut in half, though timetable troubles - those mischievous scamps which charm the country with a wink and a hat tip; which have been insoluble since the time of Christ - must sadly wait until His return. We simply lack [[Intelligent_Design|the tools]] to unravel the sins which led us here. C'mon man, it was one fucking apple.
Interestingly Birmingham is a hub.
===Possible Underground system===
As part of a herculean project aimed at dragging Birmingham kicking and screaming into the late 20th century, a new underground rail network has been proposed, which will alleviate the village's increasing traffic problems, while also meaning travellers simply passing through will not have to look at Birmingham itself. In order to keep costs to a reasonable level, the new system will utilise Birmingham's extensive network of brick-lined sewers, which were mainly built during the Victorian era. This will mean that the system will be mainly accessible to [[Dwarf|persons of disadvantaged stature]], many of whom are currently unable to travel by bus because the drivers never notice them standing at bus stops.
Unusually, the trains, which will run on O-gauge tracks, will be powered by methane gas.
===Buses and Coaches===
Ah, the buses (or "buzz" and "buzzes" as locals call them)! Blessed, liberal constructions! Unburdened by time and responsibility they flit about the village, as a disparate hive of bees from flower to flower. And how appropriate this metaphor - the buses, bringing the sweet nectar of aroused, burberry wearing youth from household to household, propagating no species less than mankind himself. And the flowers - the sweet fragrance of Birmingham city centre, the graceful curves of the Bullring, art deco of smashed glass, the exorbiant prices. From whence do the buses come; where do they nest? Do they require an abode, or are they truly able to roam freely as giant, fibre glass symbols of Birmingham's hub? O, their gaiety, all the more resplendent when enshrouding the surly man sitting at their head, demanding exact change! Demand on my friend! And semen is not all they transport - proudly across their flanks are the messages of hair care and Hollywood production. The bus is the very lifeblood of Birmingham and as such is the village's official bird of prey (and the number 50s the best way to fly!)
Travel to [[Rome]] severely restricted pending construction work. As an alternative destination the attractive Worcestershire village of [[Redditch]] is highly recommended, although only to those with a current [[Valium]] prescription.
Birmingham has no major river; the river Birm that once flowed through the village dried-up when the mighty river gods took revenge for the development of the canal network.
[[Image:OldTurnJunction.jpg|thumb|Old Turn Junction - plans for a complex, free-flowing interchange were eventually scaled-down to a simple roundabout]]
In [[1820]] Thomas Telford began construction of the Birmingham Main Line canal, which would terminate at Old Turn Junction in the centre of Birmingham. The original blueprints show that a large interchange was planned comprising of a canal fly-over, numerous slip channels and a tidal-flow system on an elevated stretch of canal.
Local businesses backed the proposal, pleased with the extra traffic the junction would accommodate. The interchange was affectionately nicknamed ''Tagliattelle Junction''.
Local residents were not so delighted by the prospect of having the most complex waterway junction in the [[UK]] on their doorstep. They argued the [[iron]] troughs and support pillars would be unsightly and the excess noise of [[water]] lapping up against the side of the narrow boats would cause them undue stress. Protest marches ensued, public consultation meetings held and petitions signed.
After much debate [[Telford]] backed down on his plans and a simple roundabout was installed instead. Thereafter, the high volume of traffic on Birmingham's waterways always resulted in jams and Birmingham was known throughout the country as a traffic hotspot.
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== Random Trivia ==
*The national anthem of Birmingham is [ ''"Birmingham"'']
*There are more miles of canal in Birmingham than on [[Venus]]. This is primarily attributed to the fact that humans have yet to colonise [[Venus]]. Despite this, most people are amazed to hear there are more miles of canal in Birmingham, because they cannot bring themselves to accept Birmingham has more of something than somewhere else, with the possible exception of ugly people with extraordinarily annoying accents. Most people are apparently Cockneys.
*The word 'Birmingham' is an anagram for 'Grim ham bin', which makes absolutely [[no]] sense.
*[[Hudson Leick]] once laid waste to Birmingham, but no one noticed.
* There are more trees in the [[Amazon Rainforest]] than in Birmingham
For the past several decades, [[Alabama|Alabama's]] only claim to fame is that they, too, have a Birmingham. Opinions amongst real Brummies range from open amusement to accusations of slander, but a [[Supreme Court]] hearing in the year [[2525]] ruled that Birmingham, Alabama, must return the name to the residents of Little Britain. This ruling resulted in the [[Cloning|Clone Wars]] of 2525-2530 and ended in [[Hurricane Katrina|the total destruction of the state of Alabama]]. It was years before anyone noticed they were gone.
[[Category:Cities]][[Category:Definitely not fucking Texas Cities]][[Category:Places]]
In 1963 the Brummie philosopher [[Ozzy Osbourne]] heaped embarrassment on the city when he bit the head off of US President [[JFK]]. When asked in a 1986 interview just why he did it, Osbourne tapped his nose in a confidential manner and chuckled to himself.
==See also==
*[[Chase terrace]]
*[[Solihull]] a part of Birmingham.
*[[UnBooks:Panic on the Streets of Birmingham: Zombie Chaos and Civil Rights in the Sixties]]
*[ An account of student life at the University of Birmingham]
[[Category:Cities in England]]

Revision as of 17:46, January 15, 2007

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