“Babies were made for the Snatching. And perhaps also for the huffing. I enjoy that.”
“In Soviet Russia, BABY snatches YOU!!”
“How are you Gentlemen. All your baby are belong to us.”
Baby-snatching has had a long and fruitful history. Baby-snatching is believed to have originated in the 1600's in England, at first practiced by early witches and demons. Modern day baby-snatching was invented by Theodore Snatch, an Australian muffin peddler, astronomer, and avid pedophile, as well as the father of baby-snatching. Baby-snatching is now practiced in over 100 countries worldwide, and the success of baby-snatching has led to it becoming an Olympic sport, as well as the creation of the Baby-Snatching Hall of Fame (BSHF).
What is Baby-Snatching?
Baby-snatching has many forms, but there are 4 main forms, as designated by the IBSL (International Baby-Snatching League). These include Old School Snatch, Speed Snatch, Freestyle Snatch, and Standard Snatch.
Old School Snatch
In Old School Snatch, there are two teams, each with 5 players. Babies are randomly placed in a urban area within a 5 mile radius. Teams are challenged to snatch as many babies as they can in 1 hour. All use of vehicles are prohibited, as are recreational steroids. Babies are not allowed the help of civilians to escape the clutches of the teams. But then, who would help a baby do anything, other than get into a blender? Perhaps this guy?.
Speed Snatch is by far the most popular form of baby-snatching. 100 Babies are randomly placed in a 100 ft by 100 ft room. Induviduals are challenged to snatch as many babies as possible in a time-limit. There are three divisions, each for three time-limits, Division A, B, and C. The possible time-limits are 10 seconds, 20 seconds, and 30 seconds. Competitors are only allowed to use their bare hands, a pitchfork, and a large burlap sack.
Freestyle snatch is a far more modern version of baby snatching that dates back to the mid '80s, like all the other really cool stuff. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Freestyle is more about the quality of your snatching and not so much of the quantity. You have to snatch ten babies in the most stylish ways. Judges will then pick the top three finalists to compete. Each has one baby to snatch in the most stylish way possible. Judges then choose the winner. Many schools of thought exist as to the most stylish methods. Some believe it is best to be bold, or "long and strong," as they say, while others stress the "politicianishness," or how easy they make it look to completely avoid
a question detection. Variations on freestyle include the "freestyle disco," which, although having little to do with baby-snatching at all, does have the word freestyle in it. Also, it is practiced by middle aged me men who are most likely pedophiles.
Not as strictly dictated by rules and scoring methods, the standard snatch is largely recreational, and played usually by kids too old to be snatched and older. It is simply the random snatching of innocent babies, and a talented snatcher can often go pro. Or at least they would if this was an actual sport and not just the twisted dream of some fag. When practiced by teenagers, babies snatched this way are usually huffed, which, although great for the preservation of kittens, often results in the shortened lifespan of young snatchers.
This is another extreme form of baby snatching. The objective is to use a plastic or rubber baby baby, or perhaps just a carrot on a stick as bait to reel in other babies. There are 3 different diffuculty levels. They are:
Must obtain at least 10 points.
Must obtain at least 18 points.
Must obtain at least 25 points.
If 50% of babies fished are alive, each baby is worth 2 points. If 75% of babies fished are alive, each baby is worth 5 points. If 100% of babies fished are alive, each baby is worth 8 points.
A little less extreme form of baby-snatching, in this one there are three contestants. Taken place on a flat terrain of your choice, the babies are lined up on pavement, and are kicked maliciously by contestants. Each contestant's baby is painted the color of their choice. The contestant that kicks the baby the farthest is proclaimed the winner. Babies punted must be intact but dead. Babies that either splatter or remain alive are disqualified.
Who Snatches Babies?
Politicians. Yes, most politicians are in fact avid baby snatchers. Often seen kissing babies, most people assume that this is some sign of affection for the babies and mankind in general. However, most people are retarded. The 'Baby's Kiss' as they call it, translates into 3 seperate asian languages as 'The Super Crazy Evil Bad Man KISS OF DEATH.' Around 99.9% of all babies that have recieved the kiss quickly suffered from Exploding Head Syndrome. In fact, the only boy to have ever survived the attack was Harry Potter, due to his acute homosexuality that developed at an unusually early age. Politician baby snatching is often seen as the dark side of baby-snatching, and many politicians become addicted at an early age to "the thrill of the snatch."
The Impact of Baby Snatching
In the end we can only interpret baby-snatching as
an evil and horrible way for a few sick individuals to get some twisted kick, as well as an inevitable drain on society an all around great thing. Youths learn not only about the fragility of life but also the importance of regualar excercise, for both the snatching and huffing muscle groups. But more than that, a good game of snatch, or just a person with a really nice snatch can bring people together, and isn't that what it's all about? Nope. It's a sick idea from the sicker mind of the sickest person. Oh well, at least I've still got your mom, and with her as preggers as she was a week ago, probably a nice game of baby snatching to come home to...