Astronaut

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<code>''"Hey, aren't you Buzz Lightyear? I loved your movie."''</code>
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[[Image:Astronaut.jpg|thumb|Yet another stupid astronaut with nothing to take home. ]]
:<code>~ '''[[Oscar Wilde]] on [[Astronaut|Astronauts]]'''</code>
 
   
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An "'''Astronaut'''", a word made from the two Greek word,s 'Astro' (meaning Space) and 'Naut' (meaning [[Criminal]] or [[Villain]]), is something space organizations launch into space to perform tedious and stupid tasks. Astronauts have a long and rich American history, due to their utter incompitence. One may think that only the best of pilots can make it to space, but you're in fact wrong.
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==Characteristics of an Astronaut==
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Typically, astronauts are lazy, useless, stupid, homeless men. Recently, physiological tests performed by [[NASA]] researchers revealed that astronauts are commonly [[alcoholics]], compulsive gamblers, often [[mentally retarded]], and normally total assholes. This data was derived from space flight data collected over two decades, revealing the inability of astronauts to restrain themselves from sticking forks in electrical outlets and licking frozen poles. This is a very common issue amongst astronauts; as well as piloting their space ship while drunk. These astronauts often haven't even made it past the first grade, if they have even had some sort of education. The average IQ of all American astronauts is roughly 28. Prior to astronaut use, [[monkey|monkies]] were used, but NASA realised that they were in fact too able for the job, so they needed to find something even less compitent that could sustain mental thought process, therefore elimnating plants and inatimate objects. However, homeless drunks fit this position perfectly.
   
  +
Astronauts were selected by searching under bridges and selecting the most drunk and dirty looking homeless person there. Most of the selected astronauts came from [[Detriot]]. The workers at NASA decided to select these men because if something went wrong, they couldn't blame them for having professionals screw up so miserably. If there was a major catstrophe, the general American population would say "''Well, of course! Look who's piloting the thing! A drunk hobo!''" as opposed to "''It's a shame, that stupid NASA can't even get the best pilots on the planet to operate that simple machinery properly! Those bloody fools!''" Astronauts are also often subject to [[prejudice]] against them, usually by the jealous airplane pilots - although this is not always the case.
   
{{Q|I'm a real boy! |Pinnochio, astronaut}}
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These prejudices are often based on statements that are not true, and are in fact ideas of [[Hollywood]]. Examples:
  +
* "Astronauts are addicted to floating"
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* "They defy [[gravity]] in front of our children"
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* "They have to wear special suits to live in space"
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* "Their stomachs serve as a fetus for [[xenomorph]]s"
   
{{Q|Thats one small step for man, and thats one smartass who got off the shuddle first.|Neil Legstrong, astronaut}}
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While all of these things have been true on separate space missions, they certainly cannot be applied to every astronaut. However, one astronaut, an old hobo from Texas, had accomplished three of those four tasks in one mission, which ultimately resulted in the death of him and the rest of his crew, except for [[Sigourney Weaver]], who managed to escape and explode the alien which used the hobo's stomach as a fetus.
  +
==Equipment==
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[[File:Spaceship boom.jpg|left|thumb|This spaceship had astronauts piloting it.]]
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Astornauts have to wear and operate a series of very complicated machines in order in live and complete there missions in space. This is not good for an astronaut who has the approximate mental capacity of a shovel, for the will be more prone to messing up or breaking the equipment.
   
  +
The most associated peice of equipment with astronauts are their Space vehicles. Originally, astronauts used little capsules that were small and comfortable. These ships could be manually or remotely controlled. However, when manually controlled, it is often under the control of a drunk man, who consequently crashes the ship in some fashion. However, advances in technology has resulted in an newer, more advanced ship, called the space shuttle. However, this ship is twice as hard to operate, and also two times more xpensive to create. The shuttle has resulted in more crashes than the old capsules, and more money lost. NASA is considering switching back to the older models of space travel to save money.
   
[[Image:Astronaut.jpg|thumb|Yet another stupid astronaut with nothing to take home. ]]
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When the astronauts are in space, they have to wear something in order to live. For this they have they have the space suit, which, luckily for NASA, is not "operated" by the astronauts. THere is nothing they could really do to break it. However, some have requested that the manage to put a straw in it that is conected to a stockpile of beer, be NASA designers decline their offer.
[[Image:Sudan1_470x350.jpg|right|thumb|178px|thumb|Former astronauts.]]
 
"'''Astronaut'''" is made from the two Greek words 'Astro' (meaning Space) and 'Naut' (meaning [[Criminal]]).
 
   
An astronaut is generally a homeless [[nigger|panhandler]] that [[NASA]] rockets into space. Prior to astronaut use, [[monkey|monkies]] were used, but now provide delicious monkey stew to space flight crews. Astronaut selection was implemented to rid urban areas of mentally ill vagabonds in The National Street Sanitation and Space Research Act of 1959. [[NASA]] continues to launch street fodder into space, thereby reducing the homeless population to a tenth of what it was in 1961. Occasionally, astronauts bring back some bitchin' moon rocks and totally awesome science, but only nerds care about that shit.
 
   
Historically, astronauts are lazy, useless bastards. Recently, physiological tests performed by [[NASA]] scientists revealed that astronauts are commonly [[alcoholics]], compulsive gamblers, [[mentally retarded]], and all-around [[assholes]]. This data was derived from space flight data collected over two decades, revealing the inability to restrain themselves from sticking their fingers in electrical outletsone a common issue amongst astronauts. Also, astronauts prefer to be addressed with strange nicknames, such as Buzz or Madeline.
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==Missions==
  +
[[Image:Psychodelic_astro.jpg|thumb|The third moon mission could only be described as "the most colourful failure we've had."]]
  +
Since NASA can't fall behind the the space race, it must conduct several missions that have actual objectives for the astronauts to carry out. The most common missions are orbiting the earth to take pictures and going to the moon. However, the astronauts are often too drunk or stoned to actually carry out the given task. Take for example, Moon Mission Three. Three astronauts were sent to the moon to collect rock samples for research. However, the moon was to gray and bland in appearence for them. Luckily, one had brought along LSD to liven up the experience. All three soon become so stoned that none could operate the ship properly. The pilot, who was stoned and drunk ended up crashing the ship, killing all three astronauts. Nobody cared about the astronauts, but "''The ship was so pretty! It's a shame it went to waste.''"
   
Astronauts are often subject to [[prejudice]] against them, usually by the uneducated - although this is not always the case. These prejudices are often based on half-truths, which are perpetuated through popular culture. Examples:
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===The Disastrous Five===
* "Astronauts are addicted to tang"
 
* "They defy [[gravity]] in front of our children"
 
* "They cannot eat real food and need a blender to eat"
 
* "Their stomachs serve as incubators for an [[alien]] fetus".
 
   
While all of these things have been true on separate space missions, they certainly cannot be applied to every astronaut.
+
Moon Missionn Three was one the "Disatrous Five", a series of six separate missions that all resulted in some sort of death or destruction. The first mission, Earth Mission One, was a mission designed to have the astronauts orbit Earth several times and take pictures of it with cameras. However, one of the astronauts was hot and decided that he could open a widndow to cool things off. When he did, all three were sucked out the open window, resulting in their deaths. The ship was then remotely controlled to a safe landing back on Earth. This pleased all of the NASA scientists and other staff, for they had not lost the very expensive ship.
   
Astronauts are sometimes known to wear [[diapers]], and try to kill people with Pepper Spray. This is usually thwarted by [[Police]] or [[Midgets]], and is generally not regarded as a problem. If attacked by an Astronaut, one should consider defence by way of a large [[knife]], or [[Samuel L. Jackson]]
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The second of the disastrous five, called Moon Mission Two, was a mission to the moon where three astronauts managed to fly the equpiment all the way to the moon. However, due to their incompitence, they crashed on the moon and the ship exploded. Nobody cared that three men had died, instead, they were concerned with all the money they had poorly invested in the machinery.
   
The [[Pacific Ocean]] is the ocean of choice for splashdown of returning astronauts, as opposed to that filthy and stench-filled [[Atlantic Ocean]].
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Then mission three took place, and still the NASA officials took no steps to prevent the astronauts from smuggling drugs or booze on the ships. Then Earth Mission Four was planned and initiated. However, this time instead of trying to open a window, the homeless astronauts sat there drunk, forcing the people on Earth remotely pilot them back to Earth. These same men were sent on the next trip, this time to the moon, becuase they didn't die or break anything in the previous mission. They were sent to collect rock samples, but two of the three passed out before they could get out of the ship. The other one, who was completely high, thought taking off his helmet would be a good idea. He died due to suffocation. When the others woke up, they were unable to pilot the ship correctly, which caused them to crash the ship on the moon.
   
Astronauts, like many other groups, have become sworn enemies of [[Ninja]]s. Astronauts fault Ninjas with stealing their "it factor" in 1984. This theft has forever altered the public's perception of astronauts. Once they were known as brash and daring risk-takers. Now they more commonly thought of as diaper-wearing nerds.
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After the series of disastrous missions, NASA began to realize that the only reason why the were having catostrpohic failures was because they had these homeless alcoholics as the pilots. One NASA staff memeber thought if they got compitent pilots there would be very few problems. However, the NASA executives believed it was best to stay with the homeless people, and the worker who brought up the suggestion was promptly fired.
   
[[Image:Psychodelic_astro.jpg|thumb|Because the moon is so damned gray and bland, astronauts smuggled [[LSD]] to liven up the experience. However, it made them forget they ever went and thus they couldn't brag to friends and neighbours upon return.]]
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Soon after the five horrible missions, NASA decided to give their homeless astronauts a rough ammount of training before rocketing them into space again with an expensive ship they have control of. They told them how to operate the machinery, and if they needed any help, to drop them a line back to Earth. However, all of the astronauts were drunk to even know what was going on, and before they even got to the moon they had destroyed the ship. This was mission six of the "Disastrous Five", and from that point on NASA decided to step up their game with the astronauts.
   
==Astronauts==
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==The New Astronauts==
*[[Dzierżyński|Feliks Dzierżyński]]
 
*[[Major Tom]]
 
*[[Mike Birchwood]]
 
*[[Jean-Luc Picard]]
 
*[[Darth Vader]]
 
*[[Arthur Livingston Kelley]]
 
*[[Mr. T]]
 
*[[Space Ghost|Brak]]
 
*[[Bobby Davro]]
 
*[[Flea Balzary]]
 
[[Category:Science]][[Category:Astronomy]]
 
   
[[eo:Kosmona%C5%ADto]]
+
After the six horrible space missions, NASA officials decided it was time to step things up. They confiscateda ll of the new recruits' drugs and alcohol, and dedicded to give them some proper training. They sent them to work in simulators and to fake missions. They also set them to a camp that would increase their physical ability.
  +
  +
However, to the disappointment of NASA half of these people were too stoned to care, and merely went back to their homes beneath bridges. Also, the others who stayed were infact retarded, crippled, or somehow drunk, despite the people taking away their beer. The people were to train still went on making pathetic attempts at somehow increasing the overall ability of these people by very minute levvels. None could seem to exceed, and some trainers, so stressed and annoyed by their trainess, were driven to the point of suicide, which caused the training program to be shut down completely.
  +
  +
From that point on, NASA completely screwed training their astronauts and went back to the old plan of putting them in the ship and telling them to have a fun ride. This worked out better than having them trained, mainly because it resulted in fewer deaths of the staff.
  +
  +
==Astronauts Today==
  +
  +
Today astroanuts are still homeless drunks. They have screwed up in every single space mission, making America look like it is pathetic as opposed to other countries like Russia andspace programs such as [[AIDS (Space program)|AIDS]]. NASA still selects these individuals, and in doing so are lowering the population of homeless people. This pleases the American people more than discovering useful things in space. NASA, despite its embarrassing reputation, still persists at having one successful space mission and is striving toward getting some more intelligent astronauts that are homeless.
  +
  +
[[Category:Science]][[Category:Astronomy]]

Revision as of 04:19, June 4, 2009

Astronaut

Yet another stupid astronaut with nothing to take home.

An "Astronaut", a word made from the two Greek word,s 'Astro' (meaning Space) and 'Naut' (meaning Criminal or Villain), is something space organizations launch into space to perform tedious and stupid tasks. Astronauts have a long and rich American history, due to their utter incompitence. One may think that only the best of pilots can make it to space, but you're in fact wrong.

Characteristics of an Astronaut

Typically, astronauts are lazy, useless, stupid, homeless men. Recently, physiological tests performed by NASA researchers revealed that astronauts are commonly alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, often mentally retarded, and normally total assholes. This data was derived from space flight data collected over two decades, revealing the inability of astronauts to restrain themselves from sticking forks in electrical outlets and licking frozen poles. This is a very common issue amongst astronauts; as well as piloting their space ship while drunk. These astronauts often haven't even made it past the first grade, if they have even had some sort of education. The average IQ of all American astronauts is roughly 28. Prior to astronaut use, monkies were used, but NASA realised that they were in fact too able for the job, so they needed to find something even less compitent that could sustain mental thought process, therefore elimnating plants and inatimate objects. However, homeless drunks fit this position perfectly.

Astronauts were selected by searching under bridges and selecting the most drunk and dirty looking homeless person there. Most of the selected astronauts came from Detriot. The workers at NASA decided to select these men because if something went wrong, they couldn't blame them for having professionals screw up so miserably. If there was a major catstrophe, the general American population would say "Well, of course! Look who's piloting the thing! A drunk hobo!" as opposed to "It's a shame, that stupid NASA can't even get the best pilots on the planet to operate that simple machinery properly! Those bloody fools!" Astronauts are also often subject to prejudice against them, usually by the jealous airplane pilots - although this is not always the case.

These prejudices are often based on statements that are not true, and are in fact ideas of Hollywood. Examples:

  • "Astronauts are addicted to floating"
  • "They defy gravity in front of our children"
  • "They have to wear special suits to live in space"
  • "Their stomachs serve as a fetus for xenomorphs"

While all of these things have been true on separate space missions, they certainly cannot be applied to every astronaut. However, one astronaut, an old hobo from Texas, had accomplished three of those four tasks in one mission, which ultimately resulted in the death of him and the rest of his crew, except for Sigourney Weaver, who managed to escape and explode the alien which used the hobo's stomach as a fetus.

Equipment

Spaceship boom

This spaceship had astronauts piloting it.

Astornauts have to wear and operate a series of very complicated machines in order in live and complete there missions in space. This is not good for an astronaut who has the approximate mental capacity of a shovel, for the will be more prone to messing up or breaking the equipment.

The most associated peice of equipment with astronauts are their Space vehicles. Originally, astronauts used little capsules that were small and comfortable. These ships could be manually or remotely controlled. However, when manually controlled, it is often under the control of a drunk man, who consequently crashes the ship in some fashion. However, advances in technology has resulted in an newer, more advanced ship, called the space shuttle. However, this ship is twice as hard to operate, and also two times more xpensive to create. The shuttle has resulted in more crashes than the old capsules, and more money lost. NASA is considering switching back to the older models of space travel to save money.

When the astronauts are in space, they have to wear something in order to live. For this they have they have the space suit, which, luckily for NASA, is not "operated" by the astronauts. THere is nothing they could really do to break it. However, some have requested that the manage to put a straw in it that is conected to a stockpile of beer, be NASA designers decline their offer.


Missions

Psychodelic astro

The third moon mission could only be described as "the most colourful failure we've had."

Since NASA can't fall behind the the space race, it must conduct several missions that have actual objectives for the astronauts to carry out. The most common missions are orbiting the earth to take pictures and going to the moon. However, the astronauts are often too drunk or stoned to actually carry out the given task. Take for example, Moon Mission Three. Three astronauts were sent to the moon to collect rock samples for research. However, the moon was to gray and bland in appearence for them. Luckily, one had brought along LSD to liven up the experience. All three soon become so stoned that none could operate the ship properly. The pilot, who was stoned and drunk ended up crashing the ship, killing all three astronauts. Nobody cared about the astronauts, but "The ship was so pretty! It's a shame it went to waste."

The Disastrous Five

Moon Missionn Three was one the "Disatrous Five", a series of six separate missions that all resulted in some sort of death or destruction. The first mission, Earth Mission One, was a mission designed to have the astronauts orbit Earth several times and take pictures of it with cameras. However, one of the astronauts was hot and decided that he could open a widndow to cool things off. When he did, all three were sucked out the open window, resulting in their deaths. The ship was then remotely controlled to a safe landing back on Earth. This pleased all of the NASA scientists and other staff, for they had not lost the very expensive ship.

The second of the disastrous five, called Moon Mission Two, was a mission to the moon where three astronauts managed to fly the equpiment all the way to the moon. However, due to their incompitence, they crashed on the moon and the ship exploded. Nobody cared that three men had died, instead, they were concerned with all the money they had poorly invested in the machinery.

Then mission three took place, and still the NASA officials took no steps to prevent the astronauts from smuggling drugs or booze on the ships. Then Earth Mission Four was planned and initiated. However, this time instead of trying to open a window, the homeless astronauts sat there drunk, forcing the people on Earth remotely pilot them back to Earth. These same men were sent on the next trip, this time to the moon, becuase they didn't die or break anything in the previous mission. They were sent to collect rock samples, but two of the three passed out before they could get out of the ship. The other one, who was completely high, thought taking off his helmet would be a good idea. He died due to suffocation. When the others woke up, they were unable to pilot the ship correctly, which caused them to crash the ship on the moon.

After the series of disastrous missions, NASA began to realize that the only reason why the were having catostrpohic failures was because they had these homeless alcoholics as the pilots. One NASA staff memeber thought if they got compitent pilots there would be very few problems. However, the NASA executives believed it was best to stay with the homeless people, and the worker who brought up the suggestion was promptly fired.

Soon after the five horrible missions, NASA decided to give their homeless astronauts a rough ammount of training before rocketing them into space again with an expensive ship they have control of. They told them how to operate the machinery, and if they needed any help, to drop them a line back to Earth. However, all of the astronauts were drunk to even know what was going on, and before they even got to the moon they had destroyed the ship. This was mission six of the "Disastrous Five", and from that point on NASA decided to step up their game with the astronauts.

The New Astronauts

After the six horrible space missions, NASA officials decided it was time to step things up. They confiscateda ll of the new recruits' drugs and alcohol, and dedicded to give them some proper training. They sent them to work in simulators and to fake missions. They also set them to a camp that would increase their physical ability.

However, to the disappointment of NASA half of these people were too stoned to care, and merely went back to their homes beneath bridges. Also, the others who stayed were infact retarded, crippled, or somehow drunk, despite the people taking away their beer. The people were to train still went on making pathetic attempts at somehow increasing the overall ability of these people by very minute levvels. None could seem to exceed, and some trainers, so stressed and annoyed by their trainess, were driven to the point of suicide, which caused the training program to be shut down completely.

From that point on, NASA completely screwed training their astronauts and went back to the old plan of putting them in the ship and telling them to have a fun ride. This worked out better than having them trained, mainly because it resulted in fewer deaths of the staff.

Astronauts Today

Today astroanuts are still homeless drunks. They have screwed up in every single space mission, making America look like it is pathetic as opposed to other countries like Russia andspace programs such as AIDS. NASA still selects these individuals, and in doing so are lowering the population of homeless people. This pleases the American people more than discovering useful things in space. NASA, despite its embarrassing reputation, still persists at having one successful space mission and is striving toward getting some more intelligent astronauts that are homeless.

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