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The Assyrians: A flying Minotaur people of the North Tigris River plain.

Early History

The first Assyrians were nomadic goat herders from Anatolia who settled somewhere in the modern day U.S. Province of Iraq In around 1500 BCE. Their original name for themselves was Mogatu, but the derogatory "Assyrian" was coined by the Syrians, who thought it was pretty funny. As great lovers of animals the early Assyrians ate mainly To-Fu and set up a peaceful and splendid city with equality for all citizens. How ever in the year 1400 BCE while the Assyrian King Tiglath Pilezar was on a daisy picking excursion he was ambushed and murdered by roaming Babylonians. The raiders then pillaged the city and burned down the magnificent buildings that had taken a century to build. This set a trend for the next 500 years, as the Assyrians passed from under the heel of one great nation to another. Special cruelty was practiced upon the populace of Assyria for mere sport. As we see from an article in the Old Testament the Assyrians had a high reputation for meekness and killibilty.

"... and the lord said unto David, be kind to the weak, and treateth others how thou would wisheth to be treated, except for those pussy Assyrians, you can fucking ub3r-pwn them for all I care..."

However in 900 BCE a young Assyrian man invented the beard, a hairy mass which hangs from a man's chin and cheeks. This also co-incided with the advent of the sub-machine gun. These two new technologies allowed for the Assyrians to gain political independence, and develope the most advanced society the world has yet to know.

The Golden Age


An early proto-type of the Assyrian war Chariot.

when the japanese farted and gassed out the assyrian army at the battel of Yorktown

Important Battles

The battle of Stalingrad in 825 BCE was faught between the Assyrian army and Coalition of Babylonians and Medes. The current Kind Adadnarari II recounts the battle: "Pwn3d"

The Battle of Sai Pon Valley 744 BCE: Assyrian forces crushed a Pheonician fleet, and sunk several boatloads of Egyptian refugees.

Gettysburg 700 BCE: After a long seige and the eventual use of nerve gas the city of Tyre was made an example to all other nations, that basically surrender or not your screwed.

659 BCE paratroops make a surprise occupation of the entire continent of Asia.

620 BCE: Hydrogen bombs used on the remaining pockets of native resistance in North America.


Mecha Pyramid 811 BCE , built under Shalmanasar with the slave leighbore of 100,000 elamite prisoners of war. Made of solid the steel the still tallest free-standing structure on Earth.

Parthenon 743 BCE, A fairly simple structure used for public orgies, how ever made from the melted down bones of the citizens of Isreal.

Colesium, The Mold for a giant donut ordered by Sennacherib V in 662 BCE

Decline and Fall

After all known civilizations in the world had been mercilessly subjugated the Assyrians grew so bored they destroyed themselves, and being spiteful as they were took all their wondrous inventions with them. From written records scientists estimate that our current technology is about as 1/5 as advanced as a random piece of crap thrown together by an Assyrian child. How ever Assyrians still exist today as wacky Christians and a tribe in Age of Empires.


Bert. from the popular television show Sesame Street, was an Assyrian. Notice the unibrow.

Culture and Fun Facts

The Assyrians at first worshiped the god of gay ass grass, then later in history a horney god of fire with tremendous black eyes was adopted as chief deity.

Assyrians hated babies so bad that children were forced to live in their mother’s womb until the age of 5.

The beard of an adult Assyrian man was approximately as durable as titanium alloy.

The only idea we have today that was not previously invented by the Assyrians is incredibly stupid pop-culture music fads.

While Assyrian archers have 40% increased fire rate, they are unable to upgrade to Improved Bowman or Heavy Horse Archer. Ur ass is grass!

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