“I don't understand this at all, really. Go away.”Asperger's Syndrome (pronounced ASS-purge-urz SIN-drum) is a semi-voluntary behavioural disorder in the guise of a more serious and involuntary neurodevelopmental disability. Statistically it affects an undue number of radio talk show hosts and Hollywood actors, though it has yet to be determined whether the behavior guides ultimate vocation, or whether the condition results from prolonged exposure to ego-stroking. Some theorists believe that the entire Japanese people suffer from Asperger's Syndrome because of their tendency to stay emotionally detached in all situations except seppuku.
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Origin
Asperger's gave immediate cause for suspicion by coming too soon on the heels of Autism, which had just paved the way for acceptance of abnormal antisocial and borderline psychotic behaviour in a way that even Pauly Shore and Robin Williams never could.
Alleged sufferers were characterized by normal to above average intellect and poor social skills, but the perception of others as pawns, pissants, or items of decor—existing either as the obstacles or the means to an end. The following sample scenario may help to illustrate the condition. For reasons of privacy, the names below are random and completely ficticious.
Spielberg: Alec! Great to see you. You look fabulous! How are you feeling?
Baldwin: (says nothing, but looks like he's just inhaled something foul)
Spielberg: I've got some exciting shots planned for today. Are you up for it?
Baldwin: (wears an expression conveying a mix of incredulousness. resentment, disgust, pity, and bemusement, with just a hint of boredom)
Spielberg: There's been a few changes to the script, do you mind looking them over?
Baldwin:: (butts his cigarette out in Spielberg's extended hand)
Spielberg:: You... you asshat! I'll see to it that you never work in this town again!
Baldwin: (convulses spontaneously to release strategically directed flatulence)
As Steven the victim of our scenario quite astutely observed, Asperger's bears a striking resemblance to asinine but otherwise legally sane behaviour. Not unexpectedly, a stampede of researchers scurried forth to evaluate the condition scientifically.
Research
Behavioural
Study into the validity of the disorder began with simple observation and notation of the behaviours of those identified by peers as potentially afflicted. Once a significant pool of Asperger's sufferers (referenced hereafter as insufferables) had been identified, they were placed together in a large room. The observation log follows:
- 0-15 minutes — Subjects scattered to separate parts of the room, ignoring each other but talking to (or about) themselves. Some remained mostly still with the exception of finger drumming or pensive chin holding, while others gestured dramatically as they spoke, like alumni of the Billy Graham Institute for Evangelical Arts.
- 16-30 minutes — Most were visably disconcerted by the lack of attention, but not so much that they moved to interact with others. Instead, the theme of their speeches changed from self-aggrandizement to demands for coffee, cigarettes, publicity and stuff you'd have to ask Eddie Murphy or Hugh Grant where to find.
- 31-45 minutes — Traits of Idiot Savant emerged when insufferables in high pitched voices started to repeat personal monologues (later identified as famous theater monologues written mainly in the 19th century) sometimes even with signs of emotional expression.
- 46-60 minutes — Whining was largely replaced by crying, stomping, pouting, shouting, temper tantrums, throwing objects, fire and brimstone, and the threat of litigation. Outbursts of uncontrollable aggression and violent manners as insufferables are informed that they have been part of a scientific observation and that there is not going to be any audition for the leading role in Onkel Vanja.
Medical
Once the subject pool had been sufficiently placated with flowers, apologies, Crown Royal, cocaine, and miscellaneous personal services that the accountants know better than to ask about, they were subjected to Magnanimousness Resonance Imaging (MRI) to scan for trace amounts of selflessness, courage, nobility, or forgiveness. Surprisingly, the subjects were found to have possessed each in the normal quantities at birth, but the traits had atrophied from lack of use.
Conclusion
CAUSES: Still unknown, but Asperger's Syndrome itself is little more than an attempt by irritatingly self-absorbed people to have carte blanche to treat fellow human beings like the stuff you might scrape off the bottom of a swine farmer's boots.
TREATMENT: Sadly, there is no cure, but some are able to lead an almost normal life by hiring a good public relations firm and an expensive team of lawyers.
FOR MORE INFORMATION about current trends in Asperger's Syndrome, read your local newspaper and scan the headlines for any mention of Russell Crowe.
Many scientists also suspect a link between Aspberger's Syndrome and the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) with which it shares a similar concentration fatigue. Exposed to emotional stress, ADHD sufferers become unfocused and dramatically outwardly overacting in the same way that Aspberger's insufferables do not. ADHD is considered to be the normal mental stage amongst those action flick directors that have succeeded in making a decent career despite lacking a severe coke addiction. This enforces the suspicion of psychiatrists that the Hollywood-link to these diseases is more then a simple statistical correlation. In fact, it seems that the movie industry is both the attractor and cause behind the entire light brain damage psychic disorder family.
Famous "Aspies"
People with Asperger's Syndrome were once given the affectionate/condescending nickname "Aspies", originating from a (since disproven) belief that people with Asperger's Syndrome could talk to snakes. Some other notable people with Asperger's include:
- Adolf Hitler
- Jesus Christ
- Albert Einstein
- Rammstein
- Insertwhateversteinhere
- Ned Flanders
- Rayman
- Nerds/Otaku
- You
