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“Waaaah! She called me a faggot! Mummyyy!”
“She's quite right. I want Jews to be perfected too.”
Ann "No Heart Dinosaur Prude Ass Bitch" Coulter, born
1961 1963 1969 1980, is a popular American entertainer, political author and model. Best-known for having a cat fight with homosexual John Edwards on live television (which she won), she is also renowned for her moderate and sensible comments on the War on Terror, advocating gentle but firm correction of America's enemies.
As demonstrated by the picture to the right, some have also speculated that she may be a cyborg. This has given rise to the widespread accusation that she supported the Iraq War simply so she could get some more oil to drink.
Ann Coulter claims to have been born in New York City. However, this is not true.
In fact, Coulter is the spawn of a race of evil aliens, come to Earth to destroy humankind, as conclusively demonstrated by the picture below. Their aim is to silence Al Gore and other heroic progressive liberal prophets, so as to prevent them from saving the world from the horrors of global warming. This is clearly true, because liberals and the New York Times have said so.
Confusion of Michael Moore with a pig
Sexual harassment of Alan Colmes
Coulter has attracted criticism from humanitarian organisations for her treatment of progressive liberal talk-show host Alan Colmes. It is alleged that Coulter repeatedly humiliated Colmes on live cable television by interrupting his intelligent exposition of liberal ideas and forcing him to listen to conservative lies and propaganda, while simultaneously sexually harassing him. Being a vulnerable liberal, he was unable to stand up for himself against this onslaught of conservative thuggery and sexual intimidation, and on one occasion broke down in tears as Coulter, reportedly, "touched his hair". "It was disgusting," said one observer. "It just shows that men are just as vulnerable as women to sexual harassment in the workplace." Several humanitarian groups have announced that they are considering filing a lawsuit against Coulter for this shocking behaviour.
Views on Islamic terrorism
Ann Coulter's radical views on Islamic terrorism have been labelled as fascist by mainstream progressive commentators. As one New York Times editorial said, "Coulter seems to think that we should actually fight terrorists. This is a very outdated notion. What we need to do is understand the terrorists, appreciate the way they think, and negotiate with them to reach a mutually acceptable outcome." A poll showed that 99% of all Americans (excluding the unenlightened conservative ones, who don't count) agreed with this viewpoint and regarded Coulter as an evil fascist.
Critics allege she is an unrepentant user of prohibited substances and an aging whorish slut. Ann is quoted as saying of her critics "They think they are so smart just 'cause they done gone to college and I didn't." This is misleading, of course, because she not only went to college but attended law school. Fellow students in her graduating class unanimously voted her Most Likely to Become a Complete Fucking Asshole. Shortly thereafter, each and every one of them mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Ann received her diploma under heavy guard. Her valedictorian address ("Fuck you, you fucking faggots!") was the shortest on record.
Despite being a member of the world's oldest profession, Coulter denies that she uses her body to sell her viewpoints; however, the talking head insists on wearing short skirts to show off her spindly legs and lack of underwear.
Critics also make up inflammatory quotes which they attribute to her. This happens far more frequently than it does to Oscar Wilde, but since Ann is an avid believer in the Liberals Always Lie theory, she doesn't have to defend herself against these accusations.
In the year 1851, Ann Coulter waged war on Frogland. It has been mentioned earlier that Coulter is a cyborg (as well as a fucking bitch), so in keeping with that, she used her dark powers to summon vast legion of Republican cyborg death machines, including the likes of Condoleeza Rice, Dickard Q. Cheney, Oprah Winfrey (a flaming conservative as you well know), Bill O'Reilly, and Sailor Moon, who is a famous evangelist and the minister of Westboro Baptist Church. The battle lasted twenty years and had over thirty casualties. Unfortunately, Coulter was defeated by the fag-enabling, god hating liberal army of California when she was caught giving head to Sailor Moon. The enemy proceeded to pawn her vagina (for a paltry sum) and anally violate her (which she didn't mind a bit). However, due to an unfortunate bout of flatulence on her part, Coulter's head was irreversibly fused to a horse's ass (see picture), which explains the way her face looks. The horse was amputated in 1969, when sliced bread was invented, and she has proceeded to live a full and normal life despite losing 93 percent of her brain. According to Coulter, losing 30 IQ has helped her immensely, since it meant she qualifies to be a guest on the Faux News channel. The brain fragments, along with the horse, were donated to a McDonalds chicken-nugget factory and haven't been seen since.
- The 1970s film 'The Omen' is loosely based on the childhood of Ann Coulter, but was toned down for general cinema release, and replaced the neo-facist spoutings of the young Coulter with the more abject avatar of SATANIC SPAWN.
- Miss Coulter, though she keeps herself slim and trim, is well-known as a lover of pie, and washes it down with the blood of virgins. Typically, she goes to a college, invites people to watch, and has the pie brought to her mouth via an overhand throw delivered by one of the local students. Historically the students have had terrible aim, which completely ruins it for everyone.
- Anagramically speaking, "Ann Coulter" is "a loner cunt", a "rectal noun", and a "real cunt, no?"
- Coulter lacks the ability to see herself in a mirror. She often checks, though, to ensure that horn and cloven foot are not visible to the common television host..
- She's also a redeadhead, meaning she's a huge fan of the Grateful Dead, though the reverse is not true. It is known that she had followed them on a couple tours, but it's not known what substances entered her body at that time. It is on record that she was shot at by the band members.
- During the Armageddon, Ms. Coulter will be the Whore of Babylon, primarily due to the fact that in her high school years, she was Junior Miss Whore of Babylon both her junior and senior years, at the age of eleven and twelve respectively.
- A recent memo uncovered by CNN found that Ms. Coulter was actually behind the war in Iraq. When questioned on the memo, Ms. Coulter simply stated that "US oil reserves were running dry, and I'm thirsty as a bastard." This is in line with earlier assumptions that Ms Coulter is a cyborg.
- Mrs. Coulter worked for a time as an Associate at Hell Desk. Satan awarded her Employee of the Month (October, 2001) for her outstanding work as telephone screener for Rush Limbaugh.
- Coulter is a close friend of Al Franken. They've been known to go antiquing together.
- Ann Coulter writes daily for the Human Events Magazine, despite the fact that she is not a human.
- "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now." (actual Coulter quote...what's it doing HERE?!)
- "They're always accusing us of repressing their speech, I say let's do it. Let's repress them. Frankly, I'm not a big fan of the First Amendment." (ANOTHER authentic quote! WTF?!)
- "You don't want the Republicans in power, does that mean you want a dictatorship, gay boy?" (YET ANOTHER authentic quote! ZWTF?!)
- "Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!" I Hope this is a fake quote
- "At least when right-wingers rant, there's a point. We're trying to prove the fact that clouds actually ARE made of cotton candy!"
- "I think women should be armed but should not be allowed to vote."
- "AL FRANKEN! GET ON YOUR KNEES AND LICK IT LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!!!!" (Nocturnal-emission-dream quote)
- "Nuke them all from orbit; it's the only way to be sure."
- "Save the whales? Hug a tree? God gave this world to people and Liberals want to save it? For fucking what? Unicorns? Are we going to shit in God's face and tell him that his air, water, timber aren't good enough for us to use and deplete? God gave us this world and God wants us to trash this place and it's our God given right to do it!"
- "You know why Air America sucks ass? They have enough hatred and vitriol in them like I do, but they don't have the hypnotic mind-powers that REALLY gets the ratings."
- "Why should America wage war against Adolf Hitler, one of the most successful European leaders of our time? At least he's not a crippled liberal imposter like that long-chin retard FDR."
- "Al Franken doesn't call me anymore; it's because my dick is bigger than his dick any day." ~ This, of course, destroys her previous point. Ooops! I just sounded like a minion of Wikipedia!
- "Those fuckers better elect a Democrat in 2008, or I'm going to be out of material, and I need to complete my diamond-encrusted bidet collection!"
- "Step back, or the bunny gets it!"
- "I eat liberals for breakfast, but I puke them up by 10:30 to maintain my stick figure."
- "My mommy said that when I was born, God cried."
- "just because Christians are the dominant beings of earth doesn't mean that I hate Jews, I just want them to be perfect like me."
Quotes about Ann Coulter
“Maybe my darker instincts are correct about Ann Coulter . Maybe the knowledge that I deny is the truth... the knowledge that Ann Coulter is dark and willing to destroy all things”
“Annie makes insanity look quite reasonable”
“Der Lachende hat die furchtbare Nachricht nur noch nicht empfangen.”
“Ok sure, I torture people and break their fingers to get information, but Ann's voice makes them want to pierce their eardrums with their fingernails. Needless to say I'm impressed.”
“Fuck Ann Coulter!”
“Her face and figure aren't the only thing horse-like! Get it? Because she has a monster heat-seeking meat missile?”
“"She looks like anybody you see on the street. But when she grins, birds fall dead off telephone lines...the grass yellows up and dies where she spits. she's always outside. He came out of time...she has the name of a thousand demons. Jesus knocked her into a herd of pigs once. Her name is Legion. she's afraid of us...she knows magic. She can call the wolves and live in the crows...she's the king of nowhere."”
“"That bitch is going straight to hell!"”
“"Yeah right! I don't want that bitch anywhere in my domain!"”
“"Ann Coulter is god! All hail Ann! Let's blindly agree with everything she says"”
“Whoops! I appear to have run over Ann Coulter. Then backed over her. Then run her over again. Oh well, no loss.”
“Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping, ominous and black, it's seeping slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light! Suddenly a floorboard creak announces the bloodsucking freak is here to steal my future years away! A sulf'rous smell noe fills the room heraldingmy imm'nent doom! A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray! Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles! Throbbing, pulsing ventricles! Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws! Worse, in terms of outright scariness, Are the suckers multifarious That grab and force you in its mighty jaws! This disgusting aberration Of nature needs no mitivation To devour helpless children in their beds. Relishing despairing moans, It chews kids up and sucks their bones, And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads! .”
Ann Coulter Anagrams
Ann Coulter = rectal noun
Ann Coulter = unclean rot
Ann Coulter = Real cunt, no?
Ann Coulter = ol' cunt near
Ann Coulter = Filthy Whore
- What A Girl Wants
- Liberals Suck-Part I: How I Paid Off My Student Loans
- Benedict Arnold: an American Patriot
- Lies that Liberals will tell you about Caligula
- I'm an Attention Whore: Why the Only Reason I Hate Liberals So Much Is That No One Hugged Me When I Was A Child
- The Awful Disclosures of Maria Monk
- The Berenstain Bears and the Left-Wing America Haters
- Naked Came the Stranger
- The Hitler Diaries
- Godless: How 9/11 Widows Set Up US The Bomb
- Liberals Suck-Part II: The Off-Shore Bank Account Padder
- I'm More of a Victim Than You
- ..And Then God Invented The Adam's Apple
- Let The Libs Bitch: I'm Still Making Money
- Why Liberal Babies Destroy America
- If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Heartless Soul-Sucking Conservative Cuntbags Like Me
- How Not to Make Money By Exploiting Your Good Looks
- ↑ Evil conservatives assert that these pictures were simply created on Adobe Photoshop. However, they are clearly lying. Since these pictures support a liberal viewpoint, they must clearly be completely true and accurate.
- ↑ Since, as Barack Obama has highlighted, they're all bitter and clinging to guns and religion.