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The American (scientific name Americanus) is a genus of human found predominantly in the United States of America. Americans are primarily detritovores, but they are not above eating their own young. Average body size ranges from anorexic to obese, depending on the species. Populations are densest in the areas described by scientists as "cultural shitholes", such as Los Angeles and Miami.
Scientists are at a loss as to describe the ecological niche of Americans (currently, they are classified as parasites). Indeed, one biologist described Americans as "the tumors of the animal world."
All Americans are considered nonnative invasive species. For details on eradication efforts, see Detection and Eradication.
There are numerous species of American. For the sake of brevity, only the most common types will be descibed.
The most common type of American, A. fatassus, mostly inhabits cities like Houston and Chicago. It is often seen gathered around fast-food joints, and is simply the most massive people you will ever see.
A. Fatassus is a parasitic omnivore, and it uses its lobes of fat to suck the life force out of other humans. The obese American will also eat anything, be it shit-grade beef or compressed garbage, so long as it is sandwiched in a burger bun or taco shell. Its two-ton body is too heavy to move without aid, and so it relies on SUVs to cart itself around (much like Jabba the Hut on his sail barge).
Males and females are indistinguishable, because rolls of fat block the genitals from view. Further confusing gender identification are the manboobs seen on the male. One should avoid mating with them, or watching them mate, at all costs, even if that means stabbing your eyes out to keep the horror at bay.
The females' asses are every bit as big as the males'.
Warning: Obese Americans must not be allowed near children. Children may be stepped on, sat on, or become hopelessly entangled in their rolls of fat. Infants especially must be kept away, as direct contact with the obese's fat lobes will instantly snuff the life force out of them.
A. stupidus is most commonly seen south of the Mason-Dixon line. They are commonly called "red-necks", however, this term has fallen out of use with scientists, who now prefer the gentler-sounding "ruby-throated". A. Stupidis typically has a porky build, and it is the second largest species of American. Its preferred foods include squirrel, rattlesnake, vittles (whatever the hell those are), and fried chicken. In times of scarcity, they have been known to eat children, though as a testament to their family values, they never eat their own children, only others'.
The ruby-throated American mainly inhabits trailer parks, although they may also be observed in the ugly part of any suburban neighborhood. They can be identified by their prominent display of the confederate flag. These flags serve to warn predators that the ruby-throated American's flesh is poisonous. Anyone who eats one will suffer from excruciating indigestion, acid-reflux, and cancer.
Warning: Ruby-throated Americans are simultaneously the most dangerous and the most ignorant kind of American. They are a danger to themselves and others, but mostly to gays, Jews, blacks, liberals, and you.
A. negros, or the black American, can be found in prisons and inner-city ghettos. They are parasitic omnivores, and eat hoe-hoes, crack cocaine, and welfare money. They are the most vicious American, and will mob any white people they see, especially if they look like a police officer, and they enjoy shooting each other and rioting. Little is known about them, because only especially brave (or especially stupid) biologists venture into their territory.
Another prevalent species, A. mediocres (common name "middle-class American" or just "middle American"), mainly inhabits the suburbs, although they can be spotted migrating to warmer parts of the planet (or just to see relatives) during the weekends and holidays. A. Mediocres, like its cousin A. fatassus, does eat fast food, but it primarily eats loans and useless consumer products. Unlike the richer variations of American, the middle-class American does not store money for the economic wintertime, preferring to eat its money now rather than later. As a result of such poor financial management, middle Americans are the first to start whining whenever economic wintertime begins or interest rates go up.
Middle Americans are also the most docile American, and are easily herded in any particular direction. It is this habit of the middle-class that causes some to believe that A. Mediocres evolved from lemmings, a theory supported by cases of politicians driving them over cliffs. However, this theory was disproven when genetic tests tied them to a type of cow. Even aside from the genetic evidence, it is debatable whether middle Americans "evolved" from lemmings, as they are clearly a de-evolution and are actually dumber than lemmings. (Ever tried to herd a lemming? You can't.)
Black Middle-class American
The black middle-class American, A. mediocres-negros, is a hybrid of the middle-class American and the black American. Like most cross-species offspring, it is unable to reproduce, which accounts for its extremely low population. It is so rare that some scientists don't believe it exists and consider it to be a mythical entity like bigfoot or Loch Ness. Although occasional sightings of black middle-class Americans are reported, no conclusive evidence of its existence has ever emerged. (Think of A. mediocres-negros as the "black unicorn of Americans.")
If the black middle-class American did exist, it would revolutionize the way blacks are thought of by scientists. Unfortunately, since no one has proven tha they exist, scientists therefore conclude that all blacks are violent, poor, live in ghettos, and enjoy rap music.
A. patrician, or the rich American, is less common than most of the other species of its genus, but it makes up for it by being the wealthiest and the most powerful species. It lives wherever the hell it wants to—if a rich American wants to live in the White House, then by God, it gets the White House. (After numerous rich Americans expressed the desire to live in the White House, they all agreed to take turns in it, changing every four years on January 20th.)
A. Patrician is omnivorous and it eats whatever it wants to, but it prefers the flesh and blood of poor people, illegal immigrants, and the middle class. The rich American is also very territorial, and regularly claims and invades foreign territories (see Iraq and Manifest Destiny).
A. celebritus' primary habitat is Los Angeles, and occasionally Miami. The celebrity is a dietovore, its main food being TrimSpa, the South Beach diet, and the Atkins diet. It is a compulsively fashionable creature and it only pimps the latest charities and humanitarian aid efforts.
The celebrity bears similarities to both the rich American (A. patrician) and the British nobility (Britannia patrician)—in fact, if you sucked their brains out and gave them breast augmentation surgery, they would be identical to celebrities. A. Celebritus is universally held by scientists as the dumbest species in the entire Americanus genus, and possibly in their entire family. It is also the most beautiful species (if by "beautiful" you mean anorexic).
There are almost no known photographs of celebrities, because their fellow Americans consider them to be such an embarassment that they all try suppress knowledge of their existence.
Immigratus unofficius, or the illegal immigrant, is a transition species, in the process of evolving from Mesoamericanus emigratus into a true member of the Americanus genus. The illegal immigrant is a scavenger and eats whatever tidbits rich Americans throw at it. They live wherever there are jobs Americans are too lazy or incompetent to do themselves.
Though scientists are excited at the prospect of a living "transition species", they caution that it will take several million more years before I. unofficius evolves into a full American.
Detection and Eradication
All species of American are considered to be a dangerous invasive species. They have been known to wipe out whole ecosystems of native flora and fauna. Unfortunately, once established, they are notoriously hard to get rid of. There are a few basic steps towards eliminating any American invasion.
Ask yourself this: Have I seen any Americans lately? Even the presence of two or three Americans can lead to a whole flock of them coming and establishing themselves. (One American alone is not enough to cause worry. Two are necessary to reproduce. Or handle artillery.) Detection is fairly easy, given that Americans are fatter than any other genus of human, and even the anorexic ones give themselves away with their their terrible language skills.
If you have detected an infestation of Americans in your homeland, get an industrial strength American repellant. (Look for labels like "contains highbrow elements" or "contains substances the state of California may possibly acknowledge as being vaguely carcinogenic." Either of these ingredients will send Americans fleeing in terror.) As a last resort (or first resort if you're lazy), try guerrilla warfare. Usage of suicide bombers, however, is not recommended.
More humane alternatives, such as capture and forced relocation, have met with limited success.