“Just lemme be... your teddy bear”
The Prophet Muhammad (full name:Abu l-Qasim Muhammad ibn el baba Abd al Muttalib abu el wakef wanna batuhak wa jib el hawia al-kababi) aka "The Brown Bomber" was a heavyweight boxing champion, and founder of the Islamic political party.
He was born in the Arabian city of Mecca, possibly 570 CE, and probably in the year of the elephant. Unlike many other political leaders such as Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David and Jesus, Mohammed can at-least be credited with keeping his story straight throughout most of history.
Muhammad's father Abdullah was killed in a freak yachting accident 6 months before he was born leaving him to be raised by Sufi camel riders, on their way to the annual dune sliding contest in Jabel Kuneifa.
What constituted of the "freaky" part of the yachting accident was that Muhammad and his family lived in the middle of the desert. Hence, some divine retribution and/or some foul play were considered to contribute to Abdullah's unfortunate demise.
Muhammad lived with his foster-mother, Halimah bint Abi Dhuayb, and her husband until he was two years old, by which time he was adept at stealing camel saddles (especially the embroidered ones with beads and murderous slogans in ancient Arabic). At the age of six Muhammad lost his mother down the back of the sofa, and became fully orphaned. He was subsequently brought up for two years under the guardianship of his paternal grandfather Abd al-Muttalib, of the Banu Hashim clan of the Quraysh tribe. After getting into a unfortunate bet with Salim the untrustworthy, an infamous kuskus merchant, involving a 15 pounds of humus, his grandfather passed away. Quite painfully, according to later scriptures.
Muhammad then came under the care of his uncle Abu Talib, the new leader of Banu Hashim. Little is known about this time except that Muhammad did what he could to guide Talib away from humus.
While still in his teens, Muhammad began accompanying his uncle on shop lifting trips to Syria, during which time he met a hermit crab named Bahira who he later sold for some prophet.
As a young men, his well documented opposition to bad looking women and cheap alcohol (coming out of an especially nasty night that involved Fatima the hag of Damascus and some cheap brandy) laid the foundation for his Islamic agenda of a later age.
“And thou shall now use Axe Dry on a sunny day, for it is false advertisment and it shall raise your stink sky high”
Muhammad's most recognized work as a young politican and a fashion leader, was his famous political manifesto and cook book, also known as the Quran.
The Quran listed, amongst other issues, how to skin an infidel, how many of the famous 72 virgins should be, in fact, female and what type of deodorant is best use to avoid sweat stains on your crisp white ghalabya.
The creation of the Quran is considered by many nothing short of a miracle, considering the fact that Muhammad was illiterate and dead by the time the holy scripture was released. Experts still debate which of those two attribute more to the literary quality of the Quran.
Initially his ideas were not particularly popular, however things improved when he was visited by Peter Gabriel (Ex Genesis) who suggest that a mascot for the Islamic movement would boost ratings. Gabriel explained the principles of cooperate marketing, and finally convinced him that Allah would be a suitable name. Musical friends of Gabriel Fatboy Slim and Seal chipped into the propaganda with catchy tunes including "Seal of the Prophets" and "Praise You".
These days, the Islamic movement can be divided into the factions of Sonny & Cher. Those who follow the teaching of Sonny Bono advocated the importance of large impressive moustaches, where as supporters of Cher believe in love after love. Despite these differences most of the ideology of Islam remains constant, and will be discussed in the following sections:
It is the responsibility of all followers of Muhammed to defend him from the evil which can be afflicted by Political satire. It is not clearly understood how a person who is already dead can be harmed by a picture, although it is agreed that reading for long enough might induce haemorrhoids if your chair does not have a comfortable enough cushion, and that Hentai cartoons probably cause visual impairment.
Those who wish not to upset followers of Islam find the above particularly tricky. As no one knows what Muhammed looked like (Muslims are forbidden from even thinking about it) artists are dicing with disaster each time they put pen to paper.
In August 2005 Danish Newspaper The Blasfemasen accidentally drew a picture which (apparently) had a close resemblance to the Prophet. Muslim extremists replied by boycotting Danish bacon. The conflict escalated when Hamas activists started to put up posters with the Jante Law all over the Arab world. Denmark's attackers also used suicide bombings, and captured some innocent civilians for ransom.
Upon finding the enemy's weakness, Denmark sent in their finest men from The 101st Division of the Cartoonist Regiment. Terrorists demanding ransoms were counter-threatened with more cartoons. The cartoons did irreparable psychotic harm with Garfield and the Simpsons being responsible for most the damage. The cast of Peanuts were also seen boring people to death. The battle was decisively won when, during resulting devastation, the entire Islamic world forced its way into the Danish embassy to protest, upon which a terrorist burned it down with everyone inside.
Unfortunately during the battle, Hamlet was killed with a poisoned blade.
We would publish a comprehensive set of cartoons here in Uncyclopedia, but due to certain death threats received we shall avoid that.
Aged 20 Mohammed initiated the MILF movement by marrying a 40 year old, and subsequently received the attentions of more than his fair share of ladies. Using money raised from stealing cookers from Caravans, Muhammad purchased the all female basketball team The Harem Globetrotters who spent a lot of time bouncing his balls.
When he realised that most of the girls in the Globetrotters were actually 6' 8" tall, and smelt of rubber balls he decided that what he really needed was to marry a 9 year old girl. Fortunately for him, his best buddy Abu Bakr just happened to have a six year old daughter named Aïsha and 3 years later, Abu
sold gave Muhammad his child. (Hang on, why is that bit there? It's not even funny!)
In terms of dress, Muhammad preferred his ladies keep it on the skimpy side. He was particularly fond of skin tight PCV, Lycra thongs, and all over body coverage which helped repress the female sex thereby preventing them from developing an identity outside the shackles of their husband. Cool eh?
Is Muhammad Elvis?
Many followers of Islam insist that Muhammad lives to this day, increasing speculation he may actually in-fact have been Elvis. Witness the below:
- Both have a cult-like following.
- Both are worshipped by millions, the rest can't figure out why.
- Elvis built his career on rock. Muhammad built his career on a rock.
- Millions of pilgrims flock to Graceland. Millions of pilgrims flock to Mecca.
- Elvis served in the military. Muhammad led the military.
- Both played a role on the making of impossible-to-like kind of music.
- Both had a real taste for virgins.
- Both married a woman named Priscilla, except Muhammed.
- Both sported the coolest lambchop sideburns ever
- If both of them were still alive, they would be very old by now.
- If still alive, both would probably join Scientology
In the name of Allah, the most gracious, priests be upon him
Writers of this article are considered to be infidels of the worst kind, by reviewing the sacred Jihadist Infidel Hierarchy Advocacy Decree (also known as JIHA"D) you can clearly review your dire strait. You are the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, you are as bad as those who dine on pigs drenched in wine, while seating on top of cartoons of the prophet, fleese be upon him.
It is thereby we decree that the writers of this article, are to be banished to hell immediately and to serve there two internal damnations before be allowed to return here.
- Al Qaeda Homepage
- Political cartoons
- Qu'ran Canker Sore 31
- the truth is more funny than a lie.
|Name:||Abraham||Lao-tse||Buddha||Jesus||Mohammed||Charles Darwin||Bobby Henderson||David Icke||L. Ron Hubbard||Zod||That Guy You Hate||Mane Six|
|Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets:||Moses||Peter, Paul, & Mary,|
|Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar||Richard Dawkins||Cast from V||Tom Cruise,|
|That old woman next door||Mane Six, Lauren Faust, Mr. Hands|
|Religion(s):||Judaism||Taoism||Buddhism||Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs||Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, Ahmadiyah, FPI, assorted bizarre desert sects||Atheism, Theory of Evolution||Pastafarianism||D.ick-eism||Scientology||---||That thing, you know, with the thingies!||Bronism|
|Miracles (approx.):||20||1||7||200||0||0||1||1 (honest)||0||0||Somewhere between zero and infinity||-99|
|Covenants & Promises:||Milk, honey, and eternal life||Being one with the universe||Reincarnation, Nirvana||Eternal life||Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level||Freedom of thought||Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano||Liberation from alien lizards||Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity||You will kneel before Zod.||Whatever it is you get||Become a Brony and never reproduce|
|Enlightenment (kW):||1.5||150||200||1.6||1.25||180||100||0.001||-10 000||0.045~1.334 (varies inversely to proximity to Superman)||I don't remember||-999999|
|Wives (approx.):||2-3||0||1||0(?)||9-30||1||unlimited||0-1 (no reptiles)||3 (so far)||All women are property of Zod.||What?||0 (approx.OVER 9000 Men)|
|Followers:||30-40 mln. (approx.)||60 mln. (approx. + Ben Hoff and Winnie the Pooh)||375 mln.||2.1 bln.||1.3 bln.||500 mln.||120 bln. (without earthlings)||360 tln. (+3 earthlings)||42||Lex Luthor, Bizarro||Those guys who do the stuff||All Bronies, You, parts of 4Chan|
|Violent followers:||2.0%||0.1%||0.1%||2.5%||9.6%||0.000001%||0.01%||3||60%||100%||I forget||0% (actually 100%, it's just that they like to love and tolerate)|
|Overall result:||GOOD||GOOD||TH'WEET!||NOT BAD||COULD DO BETTER||POOR||EXCELLENT||SHIT||COULD DO BETTER||POOR||IT'S PURPLE!||TOTALLY SHITTY|
|Value for money:||FAIR||FAIR||FAIR||GOOD||COULD DO BETTER||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||COULD DO BETTER||WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?||NEVER|