Allah: The Annotated Version

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(One intermediate revision by one user not shown)
Line 9: Line 9:
 
----
 
----
   
'''Allah''' is one of the many false, non-[[Christianity|Christian]] [[god]]s that plagues the [[world]] today. This particular "god" is the figurehead of the [[Islam]]ism cult, which is such a hideous perversion of good old-fashioned all-[[America]]n Christian values that it barely deserves mention here. <font color=red>'''---ATTENTION: THIS INTRODUCTION IS SATIRICAL. IT ASSUMES AN OBVIOUSLY BIASED PRO-CHRISTIAN VIEW. IT IS MEANT TO CONTRADICT THE NEUTRALITY THAT ENCYCLOPEDIAS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE. PLEASE CHUCKLE NOW. THAT IS ALL---'''<font color=black>
+
'''Allah''' is the one true God. Do not confuse HIM with the false Christian God; that one doesn't exist. Allah is the one true God, and Muhammed is his servant. Those who disagree will be beheaded.
 
==Attributes==
 
[[Image:Allah.JPG|thumb|Does this look like God to you? Didn't think so. <font color=red>'''---WARNING! THIS CAPTION CARRIES ON THE BIASED SATIRE. VIEW WITH CAUTION!---'''<font color=black>]]
 
Even the most fervant Allah-ite is not able to offer a description of what his [[god]] looks like. According to Islamist tradition, <font color=red>'''---NOTE THE INCONSISTENT TERMINOLOGY FOR THE RELIGION AND ITS ADHERENTS; THIS PARODIES PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY KEEPING THE WORDS "ISLAM", "MUSLIM", AND "ISLAMIC" STRAIGHT---'''<font color=black> it is blasphemous to attempt to portray Allah in any visual way; instead, followers may only print his name in [[Arabic|fancy Arab squiggles]]. How conveniant... is this because Allah is too holy to be painted, as they claim, or is it because they don't know what Allah looks likes because he ''doesn't exist''? We will let the reader decide. <font color=red>'''---ALERT! THE LAST SENTENCE OF THIS PARAGRAPH IS MEANT TO CONTRADICT THE BIASED TONE. IT IS ADVISED THAT YOU RECOGNIZE THE IRONY. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION---'''<font color=black>
 
 
One of the main reasons we know that Allah is a false [[god]] is because of the attributes given to him by his followers. For instance, it is said that this Allah fellow is "omnipotent", "omniscient", and "omnipresent", whatever that means. Only heartless heathens would use such blasphemeous terms. We know that the one ''true'' God is none of these things; according to the Holy [[Bible]], God is actually "all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present". Forget all those sinful, untruthful "omni" words - this is the only ''real'' [[truth]] about God! <font color=red>'''---BE ADVISED: THE WORDS "OMNIPOTENT", "OMNISCIENT", AND "OMNIPRESENT" ARE SYNONYMS OF THE WORDS "ALL-POWERFUL", "ALL-KNOWING", AND "EVER-PRESENT". THE CHRISTIAN NARRATOR ACCEPTS THE LATTER SET OF WORDS BECAUSE THEY ARE IN FAMILIAR BIBLICAL LANGUAGE. HE REJECTS THE "OMNI" TERMS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THEM, AND THEREFORE FEARS THEM, EVEN WHEN THEY MEAN THE SAME THING. THIS SATIRIZES RELIGIOUS XENOPHOBICS. THAT IS ALL---'''<font color=black>
 
 
Another thing that these devious <font color=red>'''---MORE BIASED LANGUAGE - THIS IS FUNNY---'''<font color=black> Muslimites say is that Allah lives in a realm called "Jannah". Only a corrupted fornicator <font color=red>'''---NOTICE THE REPETITION OF STEREOTYPICAL FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN INSULTS---'''<font color=black> would fall for such evil lies. It is obvious that the ''real'' God lives in [[Heaven]],<font color=red>'''---JANNAH IS THE ARABIC WORD FOR PARADISE, AND THE NARRATOR IS IGNORANT OF THIS FACT---'''<font color=black> a.k.a. [[paradise]], because that is what the Bible says <font color=red>'''---THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY SAYING THAT EVERYTHING IN THE BIBLE IS TRUE, BUT RATHER SATIRIZING THE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS' BLIND ACCEPTANCE THAT THE BIBLE IS THE LITERAL WORD OF GOD, EVEN WHEN TRANSLATED FROM ITS ORIGINAL HEBREW, WHICH COULD CHANGE MEANINGS IN MANY WAYS---'''<font color=black>. Why would God live in some weird place called "Jannah"? <font color=red>'''---MORE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN - LAUGH NOW---'''<font color=black> How could a place like that be heavenly, or paradisical? It is easy to see that these [[lie]]s about Allah are just that: lies <font color=red>'''---WE AT UNCYCLOPEDIA DO NOT NECESSARILY BELIEVE THAT THE QUR'AN IS LIES, THIS IS A SATIRE OF THE XENOPHOBIA PRESENT IN TODAY'S CULTURE'''<font color=black>.
 
 
Islamism supplements its Allah-worship with a cult of personality based on the character of [[Mohammed]]<font color=red>'''---THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT MOHAMED WAS NOT A REAL PERSON, BUT STILL MAKING FUN OF XENOPHOBIA'''<font color=black>. Mohammed is supposedly the founder of the [[Islam]]istic religion. He was the first leader of the Islamite [[church]] and did the most to spread the [[lie]]s of Islamism around the [[world]]. Because of this, Islamists elevate Mohammed to a godlike status that is completely unwarranted even by their own religious writings. All Islamistical leaders strive to act like Mohammed, he is [[prayer|prayed]] to and [[American Idol|idolized]], and some even swear to seeing his image in bowls of [[soup]] or in the [[cloud]]s. Such childishly silly acts only throw the infantile nature of [[Islam]]istism into sharp relief. How could any self-respecting monotheist claim to see their god in a burnt [[tortilla]]? Certainly not a [[Christianity|Christian]], that's for sure. <font color=red>'''---NOTE: THE PRECEDING SECTION IS A DIRECT PARODY OF THE CATHOLIC FAITH. CATHOLICS HAVE A TENDENCY TO PUT THE VIRGIN MARY ON A LEVEL WITH JESUS HIMSELF, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT CALLED FOR IN THE BIBLE. THE FACT THAT THE NARRATOR MAKES THESE SAME ACCUSATIONS AGAINST MUSLIMS - AND THEN ASSUMES THAT CHRISTIANS DO NOT DO THIS - IS HIGHLY IRONIC---'''<font color=black>
 
 
==Logical Impossibility==
 
 
The surest way to tell that Allah is imaginary is that his followers say that he has not "begotten". In other words he doesn't have [[children]]. This is preposterous. How could Allah be the real God if [[Jesus]] is not his son? How could he deserve [[worship]] if he did not sacrifice his son for our [[sin]]s? The Bible ''clearly'' states that Jesus is the Son of God. Ergo, if this Allah character doesn't have children, then he isn't God. It's pure [[logic]], really. <font color=red>'''---THIS SECTION IS HUMOROUS BECAUSE THE NARRATOR APPLIES LOGIC TO RELIGION AND FINDS AN ANSWER THAT IS IN FACT A LOGICAL FALLACY. THIS IS FUNNY. IN ADDITION, THE NARRATOR MAKES HIS FALSE ASSUMPTIONS BASED ON CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE IS DISCUSSING ISLAM. THIS IS ALSO FUNNY---'''<font color=black>
 
 
But in fact, that is only one of countless logical arguments proving that Allah does not exist. For example, let's suppose for the sake of argument (as silly as this might sound) that Allah is indeed omniscient, omnipotent and perfectly good. If there was any suffering or evil in the world, Allah would know about it (with his omniscience), be able to stop it (with his omnipotence) and want to stop it (what perfectly good being would let evil happen?). Therefore there should be no evil or suffering in the world - but there is, proving that Allah does not exist! Any true and holy God would not be succeptible to such easy logical disproof. <font color=red>'''---NOTE THAT THIS ARGUMENT, IF YOU ACCEPT IT, DOES JUST AS GOOD A JOB OF DISPROVING THE EXISTENCE OF THE CHRISTIAN GOD. THAT THE NARRATOR IS TOO PREJUDICED TO REALISE THIS IS VERY FUNNY, TRUST US---'''<font color=black>
 
 
==Character==
 
Even if you ignore these iron-clad [[proof]]s against Allah's divinity, <font color=red>'''---IN ACTUALITY, THERE IS NO IRON-CLAD PROOF AT ALL. THE FACT THAT THE NARRATOR CALLS IT THIS IS HIGHLY FUNNY---'''<font color=black> there are plenty of [[emotion]]al and [[spirituality|spiritual]] reasons to disregard him. A perfect example is how merciless Allah is said to be. According to Islamistic tradition, Allah is believed to watch you like a hawk [[day]] and [[night]], just waiting for you to disobey him even [[once]]. The [[second]] you break Allah's arbitrary rules, you are condemned to [[Hell]] forever. The only way to escape this unjust condemnation is to grovel like a maggot at his [[feet]], sniveling like a [[child]] for him to forgive you. Even if you believe that you've been absolved, you always tremble in [[fear]] that you might unknowingly cross him again. This ever-present fear is used as a psychological tool to [[brainwashing|brainwash]] the follower into being even more of a mindless Allah-ite.
 
 
<font color=red>'''---WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! PARALLELISM ALERT! NOTE HOW THE NEXT PARAGRAPH MIRRORS THE PRECEDING ONE IN GRAMMAR, STRUCTURE, AND LINK PLACEMENT, BUT USES MORE FAVORABLE LANGUAGE. THE NARRATOR FAVORS IT BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES CHRISTIANITY, AND VILIFIES THE FIRST BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES ISLAM. THE TWO PARAGRAPHS IN FACT DESCRIBE THE SAME PROCESS. THIS IS VERY IRONIC. REMINDER: IRONY IS FUNNY---'''<font color=black>
 
 
This is a sharp contrast to our loving and forgiving [[God]]. We know that God watches you like a father [[day]] and [[night]], just waiting to help when you stray the path even [[once]]. The [[second]] you break God's wise rules, you condemn yourself to [[Hell]], possibly forever. The only way to escape this just condemnation is to kneel humbly at His [[feet]], asking like a [[child]] for him to forgive you. Once you are absolved, you always live in [[fear|respect]] of the Lord, so you won't cross Him again. This ever-present respect is used as a learning tool to [[brainwashing|mold]] us into being even more of a believer in Christ.
 
 
==History==
 
[[Image:AllahActionFigure.jpg|thumb|An Allah action figure <font color=red>'''---THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE ACTION FIGURES ARE NORMALLY EXPECTED TO EXIST---''']]<font color=black>
 
Allah was first made up by some crazy guy <font color=red>'''---NOTE: BIASED LANGUAGE IS FUNNY---'''<font color=black> named [[Mohammed]] <font color=red>'''---THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE EARLIER IN THE ARTICLE, THE NARRATOR ARGUED THAT MOHAMED DIDN'T EXIST. SELF-CONTRADICTION CAN BE FUNNY UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, AND IS SOMEWHAT FUNNY IN THIS ONE---'''<font color=black>, who lived in the [[desert]]s of what is now Saudi Arabia. He claimed that an [[angel]] had come to him and dictated to him the complete text of the [[Koran]], the complete compendium of Islamisticalogical beliefs. This is obviously false - we know that when [[God]] wants someone to add to his [[Bible|Holy Book]], he ''inspires'' them. And if he wanted to get his attention, he would have used a burning bush. Why would he send an angel to dictate it? Only a deceitful [[masturbation|kitten-murderer]] would be taken in by such lies. <font color=red>'''---NOTE: APPLYING BIBLICAL STANDARDS TO ANOTHER RELIGION IS ALSO FUNNY. IT ALSO PARODIES THE FACT THAT VARIOUS PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN THEIR OWN ADDITIONS OR CLARIFICATIONS TO THE BIBLE, CLAIMING DIVINE INSPIRATION, WHICH ARE NOW CONSIDERED GOSPEL TRUTH BY MANY CHRISTIANS, YET A NEW BOOK CLAIMING MORE OBVIOUS DIVINE ORIGIN IS NOT RECOGNIZED. THIS IS ALSO FUNNY---'''<font color=black>
 
 
Anyway, this scandalous <font color=red>'''---EVEN MORE BIASED LANGUAGE. LAUGH, LAUGH I SAY!---'''<font color=black> [[book]] eventually took a hold on the impressionable [[mind]]s of the [[Arab]]ian people, and convinced them to set up a corrupt [[theocracy]] that did not tolerate any deviation from its dogmatic beliefs. The Islamicist Church soon grew decadent, bloated, and despotic - quite unlike the idyllic Christian kingdoms which were blossoming at the same time in medieval [[Europe]]. How could a religious government, based on worship of a [[god]] who is alleged to be so forgiving and pure, become so ''corrupt'', ''intolerant'', and ''repressive''? Maybe it's because the ''real'' God was unhappy with their conduct. This became evident when the [[Black Plague]] swept through Arabia, killing off countless Allah-ists while leaving the righteous people of Europe completely unscathed. <font color=red>'''---THIS SECTION RELIES HEAVILY ON FACTUAL ERROR FOR HUMOR VALUE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SLEPT THROUGH HISTORY CLASS: MEDIEVAL EUROPE WAS A CORRUPT, OPPRESIVE HELLHOLE. ARABIA WAS TOLERANT AND THRIVING IN COMPARISON. ALSO, THE BLACK PLAGUE KILLED A THIRD OF THE EUROPEAN POPULATION. THE FACT THAT THE NARRATOR GIVES A HISTORICAL COUNT THAT IS BLATANTLY OPPOSITE OF REALITY IS EXTREMELY IRONIC AND FUNNY---'''<font color=black>
 
 
Belief in Allah brought [[evil]] to the world again when he commanded his hordes to unprovokedly attack the Christian city of [[Jerusalem]] during the Middle Ages. In response, the wise kings of Christian [[Europe]], under the benevolent guidence of [[Pope]] Urban II, led their righteous armies of the [[Lord]] bravely into the villainous [[land]]s of Islamicism. The holy armies of [[Jesus]] fought bravely against the despicable legions of Arabia, and eventually won through in one of the most absolute victories in [[human]] history. The rulers of Europe, however, made one small [[error]], when they mercifully allowed the Arab heathens to remain living in their so-called "holy lands". Without warning, the Arab armies broke the [[peace|truce]] and callously [[murder]]ed all the Christians there. The [[Europe]]ans, mercifully, decided to turn the other cheek. That is why Islamers still live in that region today. <font color=red>'''---THIS SECTION IS ALSO A BLATANT CONTRADICTION OF REALITY. EUROPEANS ACTED EVEN MORE BRUTALLY THAN MUSLIMS DID---'''<font color=black>
 
 
==Today==
 
Today Allah-worship still has a death-grip on the minds of people worldwide. His [[religion]] of Islamism is the sole reason for all of the suffering in the world today. All [[disease]], all [[war]], all [[tax]] fraud <font color=red>'''---THE JUXTAPOSITIONING OF TAX FRAUD WITH DISEASE AND WAR IS HUMOROUS---'''<font color=black> stems directly from his corrupt commandments. The ideas he represents are completely inimical to everything [[Christianity]] stands for. No Christian nation has ever invaded an innocent country without provocation, like the Islamites did. Our loving God and his devout worshippers have never engaged in any act of aggression that was not based on pure principle. <font color=red>'''---NOTE: AMERICANS HAVE NEEDLESSLY INVADED OTHERS LOTS OF TIMES. THE SOUTHWEST, VIETNAM, IRAQ, CANADA - OOPS, I'VE SAID TOO MUCH---'''<font color=black>
 
 
<font color=red>'''---META-NOTE: THE ABOVE NOTE IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT IMPLIES THAT AMERICA WILL INVADE CANADA, ITS TRADITIONAL ALLY, WHICH IT HAS ALWAYS HAD THE BEST RELATIONS WITH---'''
 
 
'''---META-META-NOTE:THE ABOVE META-NOTE IS FUNNY BECAUSE AMERICA INVADED CANADA DURING THE '''WAR OF 1812---'''<font color=black>
 
 
The opposite, however, is true of the [[Islam]]ics. For instance, did you know that the countless Islamist agitators currently destabilizing the nations of [[Arabia]] are there solely to disrupt the region's [[oil]] supply? It's true. That is why the good old U.S. of A. is sending troops over there now: to safeguard this important commodity from their greedy hands, and to replace their shaky, wartorn, martial lifestyle with a strong [[government]] based on sound, all-American principles. Of course, the Islamitic leaders oppose the good work we're doing. They claim that ''we'' are intruding on ''them'', and they attack our troops even as they're making the region safe for our all-American ideals. This undeniably proves that Allah and his [[religion]] are naturally vengeful, hateful, and [[murder]]ous, and out to get the old-fashioned, all-American Christian [[value]]s that we strive to uphold. <font color=red>'''---THIS PARAGRAPH MOCKS AMERICAN ATTEMPTS TO IMPOSE AMERICAN IDEALS ON ARABIC NATIONS. ALSO, IT CALLS INTO QUESTION OUR MOTIVES THERE, BY CLAIMING THAT THE MUSLIMS ARE THE ONES GREEDY FOR OIL. NOTE: IF YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED BY NOW THAT ANTI-MUSLIM STATEMENTS CAN BE APPLIED EQUALLY WELL TO US, THEN YOU ARE MENTALLY RETARDED---'''<font color=black>
 
 
==Conclusion==
 
 
<font color=red>'''---CAUTION: EXTREMELY OBVIOUS, POSSIBLY POIGNANT PARALLELISM UP AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU DISLIKE PEOPLE CRITICIZING YOUR RELIGION'S MOTIVES---'''<font color=black>
 
 
In recent [[year]]s the outrageous anti-Christian [[jihad]] has only grown in intensity. The aggressiveness of this "holy war" is characteristic of the [[religion]] that spawned it. The ultimate aim of the jihad is to invade every [[land]] in the [[world]], destroy all traces of [[Christianity]], make these places into bastions of [[Islam]]ism and Allah-worship, and then to spread their lies even farther. There is no room for tolerance or coexistance in the religion of Islamism.
 
 
[[Genocide]] is the only way for them to seed the [[world]] with their [[evil]]. Their warlike and intolerant [[god]] commands it.
 
 
The only way for righteous followers of the [[Lord]] to protect themselves is to stop the scourge of Islamism at its source. The ultimate aim of our crusade must be to invade every [[land]] in the [[world]], destroy all traces of the Islamistism, make these places into bastions of Christianity and [[Jesus]]-worship, and then to spread the Word of God even farther. There is no room for tolerance or coexistance with the religion of Islamism.
 
 
[[Genocide]] is the only way to cleanse the [[world]] of their [[evil]]. Our peaceful and tolerant [[God]] commands it.
 
 
Amen.
 
 
<font color=red>'''---THE "AMEN" IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT FLIES IN THE FACE OF THIS ARTICLE'S SUPPOSEDLY NEUTRAL TONE. IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, THIS ARTICLE IS JUST A TAD BIASED---'''
 
 
<font color=red>'''---ANOTHER META-NOTE: THE ABOVE STATEMENT DERIVES HUMOR VALUE FROM THE FACT THAT IT UNDERSTATES THE BIAS OF THE ARTICLE---'''<font color=black>
 
 
<font color=red>'''---META-META-NOTE: THE ABOVE ANNOTAION IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT RIDICULES THE ANNOTATION SYSTEM, JUST LIKE THIS ONE. THE NUMBER OF META-LEVELS WE CAN GO BEFORE IT STOPS BEING FUNNY CAN ONLY BE DETERMINED BY EMPIRICAL RESEARCH.---'''<font color=black>
 
 
<font color=red>'''---META-META-META-NOTE: SO WE'RE TRYING ANOTHER LEVEL TO SEE JUST HOW FAR WE CAN PUSH THIS... BY THE WAY, IT MIGHT BE MENTIONED THAT THE FACT THAT AN ANNOTATED VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE WAS MADE DEFEATS ITS PURPOSE SINCE IT IMPLIES THAT PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE OUTRAGED BY IT (SOME MUSLIMS) ARE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THE HUMOR BEHIND IT, WHEREAS ALL THE JESUS-RELATED ARTICLES DO NOT NEED ANNOTATED VERSIONS BECAUSE CHRISTIANS UNDERSTAND THE HUMOR BEHIND THESE ARTICLES (OR IS IT BECAUSE THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN?).---'''<font color=black>
 
 
<font color=red>'''---META-META-META-META-NOTE: THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS FUNNY (OR NOT) BECAUSE IT (POSSIBLY) MAKES FUN OF CHRISTIANS (OR PERHAPS IT DOESN'T).
 
 
<font color=red>'''---GWB REMARKS THAT NO CHRISTIAN WOULD GET OUTRAGED BY SUCH ARTICLES. GONNA BURN SOME UNCYCLOPEDIA STATUES ?---'''<font color=black>
 
[[Category:Gods]][[Category:Islam]]
 

Revision as of 19:32, February 28, 2007

Nuvola apps important Attempt to explain joke
This article attempts to explain a joke in minute detail, as if to an idiot, a very small child, or a very small child who is also an idiot. It also attempts to explain its own explanation, which, if successful, could result in crashing the universe. Please do not crash the universe.

NOTE: The following article is meant to explain the humor of the article Allah. If you are an intelligent, unlike joe lambert (a complete retard), open-minded person who does not have a problem with ironic religious humor, you can read the original article (without "annotation") here.

Allah is the one true God. Do not confuse HIM with the false Christian God; that one doesn't exist. Allah is the one true God, and Muhammed is his servant. Those who disagree will be beheaded.

Personal tools
projects