Adolf Hitler

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Hitlerefficiency

This Deutschland related article appears to be lacking in efficiency. The person who created this article, who is probably either Black, Jewish or homosexual, will be eliminated. Good idea and you will better read this article http://schikelgruber.net
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Adolf Hitler.

“First he came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew, so I didn't stand up. Then he came for the commies, but I was not a commie, so I didn't stand up. Then he came for the homosexuals and he stood me up.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hitler

“We will decide who is Jewish!”
~ Goebbels on Hannukah
“They really should have just let him into art school.”
~ Holocaust Victims on Hitler
“Give me ten years' time and you will not recognize Germany anymore!”
~ Adolf Hitler on 29 January 1933
“He never really fought fair. But even with his l33t h4x, I still beat his skinny white ass.”
~ Erwin Rommel on Hitler

Insert screm here.....

“Ok, so I fucked up. Geezus people, get over it.”
~ Hitler on Ted Koppel Interview, Argentina 1996
“The Fuhrer and I had more than a few drunken romps in the bushes.”
~ Queen Elizabeth on Adolf Hitler
“Meet the newest member of the nWo, brother.”
~ Hulk Hogan on Adolf Hitler
“I took one look at my gas bill.”
~ Hitler on why he committed suicide
“I saw it on Good Morning America. It was an apparition from ArYHVHan!”
~ Hitler on why he choose the swastika
“If you had a chance to go back and kill Hitler, you would, wouldn't you? Well, personally I wouldn't, cause i thought he was awesome...”
~ Cartman on Adolf Hitler
“In Soviet Russia, Stalingrad defeats YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Hitler's Eastern Front
“Yes Hitler deserves to die! And I hope he burns in hell!”
~ Samuel L Jackson on Adolf Hitler
“I'm tired of there MOTHERFUCKIN Jews on this MOTHERFUCKEN continent!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Adolf Hitler
“You too could save up to 30% on your gas bills, with British gas!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Adolf Hitler
“Damn right, brother!”
~ Mel Gibson on Jews and Adolf
“Bless your heart for sparring me! ”
~ Jew bag on Adolf Hitler
Hitler Bill
The monstrous gas bill (courtesy Deutsche Information Agence) that shocked Hitler when he realised that he could not pay it off as his store cards were maxxed to the limit.



Hitler aufgeregt
Hitler celebrating a hard-earned victory by the Berlin Blitz, his favorite team in the Major League Bloodbath.

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(pbuh) was the chancellor of Germany during World War II. He was most famous for his musical and acting talents, as displayed throughout his life and during the European World Tour 1939-1945, when he liberated Poland from Jewish influence, liberated France from incompetent rulers and liberated Austria from itself. Notably, he also tried to liberate Russia from Communism and Britain from Third World domination, but was unable to do so. 

He contracted lung cancer in 1945 and briefly died before his moustache and reincarnated self started the now famous North American Tour in 1946. He began playing the kazoo to sell out shows at Madison Square Garden, accompanied by Dwight D Eisenhower on the spittoon and Winston S Churchill on the duck...oh, and as the President of the United States, "leading" the country in his spare time.

Early Life

Hitlersk8
Originally, he had a massive clitoris on his forehead and his name was Adolf Clitler. This was llater removed, and he went off and frolicked in the trees, shooting jews. As a youth, Hitler loved to skateboard. He skated best when the proceeds of the tournaments went towards Zionism.
Hitlerbarn
Hitler and Bob the Builder were the best of pals.

The Womb

Hitler once declared in Mein Krampf (My Convulsions) that his political views stemmed from the observations he had made while he was young. Some historians suggest Hitler may have felt cramped inside his mother's womb, giving way to his later resentment of foreigners invading his already cramped space in Europe. It has also been suggested that the insides of Hitler's mom were not diverse enough, contributing to his later xenophobia. In addition, the nutrient needs of an unbirthed Hitler may have, from time to time, gone unfulfilled. This most likely contributed to his paranoia and sense of impending doom regarding the continued availibility of resources at Germany's disposal, including Aryans.

In another context, paranoid tendencies may have led to his decision to invade the Soviet Union, acting on pre-emption, sorta like Bush did in Iraq. It should be mentioned, however, that only your mom believes Stalin planned to invade Germany. One should keep in mind that she had a drunken romp with Ol' Joe that ended terribly, with exile to Siberia, so she is hardly a reliable source for Uncyclopedia.

Pre-Adolescence

Growing up, Hitler did not have any droids to play with, which obviously made him very sad. However, he did have a few close personal friends. Hitler's closest friend was a schoolmate named Bob, who went on to acquire fame as Bob the Builder. Bob would later reflect on young Hitler's reclusive and narcissistic tendencies, but the two bonded well at the time because of mutual interests in opera, construction and classical music. According to Bob, Hitler was known to have frequent outbursts when they were building things. As he recalled, one of Hitler's key moments was in his third grade class. He sat next to a Polish boy and a Czech boy. He killed them and stole their desks. The teacher did not see this because she was just then ending an affair with the principal. Adolf and Bob eventually went different ways in life, but they would occasionally meet up for coffee long after Bob's career took off.

Adolescence and discovery of the Nazi Party

As a young teenager, Hitler was fond of the Berlin Blitz, his favorite team in the Major League Bloodbath. Hitler was discovered by the Nazi party at age ten, when he brushed shoulders with some Nazis during a Blitz pre-season event. After learning of Hitler's musical talents, the Nazis requested that Hitler perform "Taps" on the accordion at their annual recruitment picnic. Party leaders felt that something was still needed to boost his image and he was urged to grow the tiny mustache, which would become his trademark. Within a month, he was hailed as the next Führer, or at least on his way to becoming a headline act at Carnegie Hall.


Hitler also worked at Butlins holiday camps in the UK. He was hailed as the first German Butlins redcoat. It all went fine until one summer he was found having anal sex with Des O'Connor in a broom cupboard, and was eventually fired from his position. This caused Hitler to have an immense dislike of Butlins for the rest of his life, and soon set up rival camps all over Germany, under the name Konzentrationlager. Heinrich Himmler was the first and only CEO of this holiday parks company, until 1945 when the company went bust after a heavy government trial involving fire safety regulations and some of the guests being burned, later attributed to a faulty cooker in the kitchens. The rival of the Butlins redcoat in these camps was the KZ Blue and White coat, which Pontins sued them in 1942 over copyright violations - Hitler had the owners of Pontins hung. The flagship camp of the company was Auschwitz, ironically part of the companies Polish franchise.

Lovers

Hitler had always been fascinated by the artistic structure of the body. However, he was alive in the wrong age. His jewish art teacher had thrown him out of class after he had painted the physics of the model instead of opening up his pants and painting the floor white. Proteinstyle.

He soon met the love of his life, Queen Elizabeth II. After a longer vacation in Florida, he found himself secretly wanking all night over pictures of Elizabeth from Royalty Weekly. Being a future dictator and all, he dictated that Elizabeth should be his wife. At first her father objected the relationship, and he found himself in a dilemma. To prevent Hitler from taking his daughter back to Germany, the father locked Elizabeth in a tall castle. Horrified, Hitler came to the foot of the castle and bellowed out a passionate and moving rendition of "God Save the Queen". Elizabeth's father was completely infatuated with Hitler after this performance. Elizabeth's father took to his knees, begging for forgiveness and, if possible, a quick romp in the bushes. Hitler declined the latter request, trying his best not to hurt the old man's feelings. Instead, he asked for permission to wed Elizabeth, and later that year, the two were married.

Late in their marriage, Eva Braun was thrown into the mix. Like a bitch in the heat, the Queen was open-minded about the new possibilities, but she quickly changed her mind when it became clear that Eva was a better wife than she had been - and a better lay at that. Indeed, now that polygamy had entered into the life of the Hitlers, the ensuing drama made for one of the greatest shows ever seen on German television. Hitler was a big contributor to the soap series, Glamour, and wrote a number of scripts based on actual events that he had experienced.

The War to End All Wars

File:Mendoza HumanSacrifice.jpg
World War I: a thoroughly modern war There were many injuries in World War I. Hitler himself (center) was wounded in the buttocks.

Background

World War I was a war that communists and Jews wanted fought so that they could move along with their planned conspiracy to take over the world. The conflict started in 1914, after John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln in a theatre in Sarajevo.

Combat, war wounds and finding God

As a young patriot, Hitler joined the Austrian Great German military and briefly served in the war as a blockaderunner. Aside from sinking the occasional ship (he sunk two at Verdun), Hitler's main duties also included running messages and selling medicated condoms. In one particular incident, Hitler's entire regiment was ambushed, though he managed to crawl to safety after being shot in the hiney. Hitler was the only one to survive. For his bravery, Hitler received an Iron Cross. He then found himself carted off to a hospital in occupied Belgium. Strangely, everyone there was doing acid. Hitler was told by his quipster bunkmates that the drug healed all wounds. Hitler, eager to get back into action to serve his country, was fooled. After a few moments, Hitler found himself in a magical place where he ran into God. The Divine One told the young Austrian to utilize his musical talents to best serve the German war cause.

Or so the story goes. Hitler mentioned his vision on several occasions, but some asshats historians doubt the authenticity of this tale, claiming that shrooms were the cause of his vision, not LSD.

Choralgruppe

Later that year, in 1916, Hitler helped found "Der Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe", a musical comedy team that entertained soldiers. The original cast, of which Hitler is the only surviving member, consisted of Benjy Bronkelstein, Shlomo Strasseberg, Shalom Klein and Adolf Hitler. It is believed that, during this period, Hitler grew unreasonably fond of Jews.

At the end of the second season, however, all but Hitler had lost interest in entertaining soldiers and building acts around Germanic themes. After a series of legal battles and hearings, the trio wrest control of the group from Hitler. The court decided that if Hitler wished to continue his show, he would have to come up with a new name, too. The whole experience left Hitler bitter and jaded towards lawyers and show business, but fortunately, not the ethnic groups that thrived within these professions. Still dedicated to helping the war effort, Hitler continued solo, billing his programe as "Der Neue Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe Empfindung".

As the war dragged on into its fourth year, it had become clear to a number of generals that the war had been lost, and they refused to book Hitler. After being repeatedly rejected, Hitler became irrate and stormed out of Germany just as the armistice was being signed. Hitler angrily returned his SAG card in disgust and vowed never to grace the stage to perform a drama again. However, his love of theatrics would crop up repeatedly in the ensuing years, as is best shown in the spectacle of Nuremberg and the sweet-ass costumes the German army got.

Interwar period

JOIN!
The official Panzer Corpse poster, used to recruit those who wished to die.
Ein elefant
Assisting him in his rise to power, The Führer, Adolf Hitler made an appeal to minorities such as the Jews, Gypsies, Communists and, as seen here, those with Elephantitis.

Hitler peaces out, Germany gets screwed

Convinced that he was among traitors, Hitler took a brief hiatus from the Nazi party. He went to Calcutta and began to meditate masturbate with Savitri Devi, which seemed his only hope for finding inner peace. Meanwhile, back in Europe, both the winning and losing powers were totally ashamed of the destruction that they had caused in World War I, but nobody wanted to hurt feelings and designate one party as responsible. Thus, it was decided at the conference in Versailles that the only fair way would be to draw straws to determine who would pay to rebuild Europe and take the blame for the war, following the protocol of the Straw Drawing Act of 1835. Needless to say, Germany drew the short straw, was assigned the guilt, forced to pay war reparations and sell its children into slavery. These conditions were written into the Treaty of Versailles. Immediately after the short straw was drawn on behalf of Germany by Gottlieb Kürzerenziehen, the German government folded. Kaiser Wilhelm II fled for Denmark. His parting words were:

"fuck this shit, I'm getting the hell out of here."

Anarchy erupted, but after several days and a brief shootout, the Illuminati finally took over, and the Weimar Republic was formed the next day on November 32, 1919. This changed very little.

God speaks, Hitler the tool

Hitler heard about the treaty and its aftermath and convinced that his beloved Germany would never again be a powerful nation, was about to commit suicide. However, God appeared before Hitler and stopped him. As the film Triumph of the Will would later show, it was God's will for Hitler to return and rebuild Germany.

Hitler eagerly accepted the task, filled with extraordinary and unrelenting rage over the the Versailles treaty. Interestingly, Hitler was misinformed, and did not know the entire story behind Versailles; nobody had bothered to tell him about the legitimate straw drawing. Consequently, even if his oratory skills did not suck, it was this ill-informed disposition that was the foundation of his passionate rants. Interestingly, as good sports, the Germans had accepted the guilt and hardships that came with the short straw, albeit reluctantly. For this reason, nobody knew quite what to think of Hitler. At first, few took him seriously. Some thought that his speeches were part of neo-modernist Weimar culture, and as such, an experimental comedy act. On more than one occasion, people were known to start laughing hysterically in the middle of Hitler's ranting - out of confusion, mainly. This always created a very awkward moment, for both Hitler and his audience.

Nevertheless, Hitler continued to argue his case vehemently, people began to realize that he was serious, and also began to see him as a way by which they really could reverse the doings of Versailles and revitalize Germany. Thus, once the movement began to grow rapidly, nobody dared to tell Hitler about the straws, fearing that Hitler might have a change of heart.

Rise to power

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Hitler performing on his famous banjo as part of his election campaign.
Bunny hitler
Hitler also tried to woo Christians by demonstrating his support for their traditional holidays. Here the Führer is seen in his Easter Sunday bunny costume during an Easter Parade in the mid-1930's.

The foundation of the early Nazi party consisted of German patriots, particularly those who had served Germany in World War I. Among this cast were korspe's for hire, such as the Frei Korpses. Pissed off that there were no more wars to fight, these former militarymen kept themselves busy chasing commie rats out of the country. In one particular incident, Bavarian socialists thought they could take advantage of the weak government and stage a revolution. Pff. What were they thinking? The Frei Korpses gave them a roundhouse kick to the face, and that was the end of that.

Later, the Panzer Korpse would be named in honor of this group of World War I veterans, who were instrumental in building the party's following; sort of like an anti-communist, social traditionalist and ultra-nationalist Pied Piper.

There is more to the story of how Hitler came to power. His major nemesis, Adolf Schmitler von Knorring, was an Austrian doctor. Schmitler was a rather successful doctor, and was able to publish his memoirs about his work, "My Cough". His book was very popular with cardiologists, but it had little effect on the general public. On the other hand, Hitler's platform combined the elements that lead both the Republican Party and Democratic Party in America to each gain approximately one half of the votes every time:

  • For 50 Percent of the Vote: Appeal to the working class, crazy liberals, humanists, tree-huggers, minorities
  • For 50 Percent of the Vote: Appeal to Bible carrying Christians, right-wing nutjobs, good ole' boys, rich ole' boys and tease the balls of minorities

Hitler also appealed to the demographic that remained:

  • Appeal to those with Elephantitis or Elephant Man Disease

For the same reasons Arnold Schwarzweissrotenegger got into office, others knew Hitler and were simply impressed with his reputation, from his world-renown band "Adolf and the Hiplers" to his brief stint as a war entertainer. The Nazis also combined elements of Christianity with neo-pagan philosophy. On Christianity, Hitler said:

"The dogma of Christianity gets worn away before the advances of science. Religion will have to make more and more concessions. Gradually the myths will crumble. All that’s left is to prove that in nature there is no frontier between the organic and inorganic. When understanding of the universe has become widespread, when the majority of men know that the stars are not sources of light but worlds, perhaps inhabited worlds like ours, then the Christian doctrine will be convicted of absurdity. Originally, religion was merely a prop for human communities. It was a means, not an end in itself. It’s only gradually that it became transformed in this direction, with the object of maintaining the rule of the priests, who can live only to the detriment of society collectively...Christianity, of course, has reached the peak of absurdity in this respect. And that’s why one day its structure will collapse. Science has already impregnated humanity. Consequently, the more Christianity clings to its dogmas, the quicker it will decline.

This information, while valuable, totally contradicts much of what we know about elephants or playing cards.

The Third Reich

“Four things about Hitler, he isn't Holy, he isn't Roman and he isn't an Emperor, but he has got 1 testicle.”
~ Charlemagne on Hitler and the Third Reich

Hitler intended to build a Third Reich Empire from which other nations could take anything they wanted. Homosexuality was not only tolerated by this ultra-liberal regime, but it was actually encouraged, especially in public. At first, the Nazis rewarded those who engaged in streetside, gay sex romps with the German Cross. These events became so popular that the award became devalued, leading to the special creation of Golden Party Badge for those regularly involved in six man orgies which included watersports.

Hitler knew that not everyone would find these events appealing. Thus, he encouraged citizens of the Reich to find their own unique cup of tea. Consequently, many pursued Judaism, another Nazi favorite. One could even be a gypsy if they wanted to learn the socially acceptable way to hassle tourists. Hitler was criticized for his policies of tolerance, not yet fully understood by the inferior world outside of the Reich. Overall, the Third Reich was at least 25% better than the two that came before it.

However, the Night of the Long Knives, was universally frowned upon. On that fateful night, Hitler's temper got the best of him due to his frustration with the quality of silverware available throughout the Reich. Consequently, in an incident Hitler personally regretted until his death, he expelled all of Germany's silverware manufacturers to Siberia. The Soviets did not take to this news very well, and told Hitler to find his own exile camps to use.

The Franchise Takeover

Hit
Finger Licken, HF-C Chicken
File:Dnb.JPG
DEM NAZI BOYZ in da Hood, chillin' n' blazin' in da cut
Mc-auschwitz
McHitler visiting Auschwitz
INVADEcopy
Negotiate? Why the hell should you wait? You're the masterrace, remember?
RonaldMcHitler2
Would you like a Sieg Heil with that?

Sometime during Hitler's reign, his popularity allowed him to take control of certain Franchises. Here is a list of his former "new and improved" businesses:

  • Pizza Hut became "Hitler Hut"
  • Red Lobster became "Anti-Red Lobster"
  • McDonalds became "McHitlers"
  • Burger King became "Hitler-is King"
  • Rap group DEM FRANCHIZE BOYZ became "Dem Nazi Boyz"
  • KFC became "HITLER-FC" (also known to some German patriots as "HITLER-FJ")
  • Briefly, The WWF became "WWII"
  • And finally, Washington DC was briefly renamed "Hitlerplatz"

The Second War to End All Wars

File:Ww2.JPG
WWF WWII logo
Hitlerwithpolishbear
Hitler with Polish beer, the main cause of the invasion.
VerkiezingsposterDuitsland
The Germans were just as excited as Hitler to lose another world war.

Poland must have been on the rag, because it had decided that Hitler's world-renown band, "Adolf and the Hiplers", was ruining the minds of the young Poles and a boycott of their music was necessary. Perhaps most importantly, Hitler's band was banned from playing in Poland, and their CD's were often confiscated and thrown back across the border like frisbees. For added emphasis, Poland banned the export of Polish beer, which Hitler had grown fond of drinking in moderation. Outraged, Hitler personally crossed the border into Poland to discuss the situation, but the Polish took to arms, believing this to be a hostile invasion.

It is probably true that the Polish generals had taunted Hitler with pictures of Brad Pitt without a shirt. In addition, war was almost certain because Poland was also eating Germany's children. Nevertheless, after Germany finally invaded Poland, Earth ganged up on Germany and declared war, for reasons unexplained. Shortly thereafter, Hitler began the invasion of France. When asked why, he said "ze Eiffeil tower vas billt fur ze Germans, and ze French cheese ist smelly."

At first, it appeared that Germany was going to give Earth a run for the money, winning in Poland, Denmark, Norway, France and Middle Earth. However, these actions brought the Soviets back into the mix. Since invading Finland, half of Poland and moving into the Baltic, the Soviets had become surprisingly quiet. This was because they were drifting in and out of a coma of the last year and a half, managing to remain continually hammered on Russian vodka. Suddenly, Stalin and the Soviet Union now regained consciousness and discovered that more than half of the countries they had wanted to invade were already being claimed by Hitler. Worse, Stalin's top executives had failed to properly register the Soviet Union for the "Great European Land Raffle", putting the Soviets at an extreme disadvantage in the territory swindling department.

Stalin, a rational man, knew he had to confront Hitler personally, so he worked hard to get Hitler to agree to a conference. Hitler agreed to meet with Stalin and surprisingly, the two were able to come to terms and became good old friends like the good old days of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. Then one night during dinner, Hitler brought the finest bottle of French champagne and asked Stalin to do anal sex with him because he found his moustache attractive. Stalin, highly confused, told Hitler to get out of his house and to never call him again. Hitler went home and cried all night, then launched Operation Barbarossa, the German attack on Russia. By this time, Pikachu had recovered the Lance of Longinus and given it to the Fuhrer as a gift. Without the magical superpowers of the Lance, Hitler would have been pwnt by the Soviet Union almost immediately.

Despite his best efforts, Hitler simply could not convince the Germans to stop frolicking in the meadow picking daisies. At the time, the hills were alive with the Sound of Music, which meant everyone wanted to stay in the Alps and enjoy the show. Nobody wanted to fight the war. When Hitler realized that he was losing, he became extremely angry and ran into his bedroom and cried for hours into his velvet pillow. It is reported that Hitler became emo at this point (see: Emo-Hitler). After spending all night crying in his room full of candles and incense, he decided that he didn't care about the war anymore and ordered the construction of the Phooey-Bunker so that he could play X-Box without interruptions. At this point, the Allied bombings of Germany had become ridiculous, so most Kenyans contend that Hitler had made the right decision, especially because the war wasn't even his fault (It was God's, remember).

With the Soviet Union and Poland closing in on Berlin, Hitler gave himself lung cancer and died in 1945. However, his efforts did not go unrewarded, and God recognized his good deeds. For this reason, the angels in Heaven allowed for Hitler to be reincarnated as himself and return to Earth, destined to rule a empire that was a gajillion times larger than Reich. Absolutely ridiculously huge. God knew he had made the right choice when Hitler almost immediately began where he had left off.

Fourth Reich

He built a Fourth Reich in the form of the United States of America. Although critics argue that he failed to accomplish his racial state goals, he did fulfill the totalitarian and global domination aspects of his dream. Many of these critics, listening to the insight of Meatloaf, are willing to admit that two out of three ain't bad. Meanwhile, he returned to the music scene, which was his first love. Under the psuedonym of Elvis Pressley, Hitler shot to the top of the charts with singles such as "Hounddog", "Blue Christmas" and "Heartbreak Hotel". Soon the kids were lining up to get their asses signed by their bubblegum pop idol.

Today, Hitler is still the President of the United States. His term expires shortly.

Hitler works and famous quirks

File:Jewshitler.JPG
Hitler's most famous painting of him and his...err...pig/sheep/lamb/cow looking thing...and he's also sad.

Art Work and literature

Hitler throughout his career was also the most famous and most successful artist in the world. Professors bowed down to his artwork and encouraged him to go further with his art career. Hitler often painted beautiful paintings of farm animals engaging in oral sex, flurries engaging in oral sex, and space monsters and hippies...yes...they were ALSO engaging in oral sex.

Hitler also had a fascination with painting carrots being eaten up by a "silly rabbit" and also fat naked children eating ice cream off of pieces of wood. Hitler's favourite painting was one of him dancing on a orgy of sunflower rainbows and homosexuals sending e-mails to each other.

Hitler published his famous expose, Mein Cunt to an ecstatic audience. Years later, an unfinished sequel would be uncovered, leaving readers bewildered at the lack of any coherent structure.

In 1968 Hitler agreed to star in a broadway show based on his life entitled Springtime For Hitler written by former SS member Franz Liebkind. The show was an instant success but only ran for one night after Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel attempted to blow up the theater in which the show was playing. He and Liebkind went on to write the a screenplay titled Big Shark but that jew bastard Steven Spielberg stole their screenplay and released it under its now famous title Jaws.

Watermelons

Hitlerwatermelon
Archive footage of Hitler demonstrating his power as Melon Führer.
Long has it been known that Hitler is a watermelon afficionado, most recently he even admitted it on his 1998 appearance on David Letterman saying "Oh Gott ja Ich liebe ze Wassermelons". His parents believe that his ability to take 3/4 of a watermelon in one bite was the reason for his success in the 1940's.

Christmas Songs

The Nazi Party came up with a joyful christmas song, sung by the boy group "Dem Nazi Boyz" which is now forbidden in the Fourth Reich (This song should not be sung by anyone, ever, unless you're a Nazi. Or a cabbage). In fact, singing this in Germany or Austria will lead to life imprisonment and anal raping courtesy of the rapist mass murderer in the cell next door.

Lyrics are as following:

(Melody of Jingle Bells)


Driving down the Rhine, in a black Mercedes Benz,

Shooting lots of Jews, making lots of friends!

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat, mow those bastards down,

Oh what fun it is, viel Spass, when the Nazis are in town!


Ohhh Lebensraum, Lebensraum, tra-la-la-la-la,

Oh wot fun, for in-fan-trie un' granat-werfer jaa-aaaa

Lebensraum, Lebensraum, tra-la-la-la-la,

Oh wot fun, for in-fan-trie und granat-werfer, ja.


Oh those Nazi boys, like to play their games,

Come knock on your door, with a list of names!


Kein Angst, Sara dear, Auschwitz is not far,

All our boys are there you for you, wearing yell-ow stars!


Ohhh Lebensraum, Lebensraum, tra-la-la-la-la,

Oh wot fun, for in-fan-trie un' granat-werfer jaa-aaaa

Lebensraum, Lebensraum, tra-la-la-la-la,

Oh wot fun, for in-fan-trie und granat-werfer, ja.

Appearance and behavior

Hitler is most notable for his trademark moustache and side parting of his hair. He used to dress up in women's clothing, and always in brown, which is thought to have been his favorite color. One reason Hitler has always maintained popularity with his people is his well-performed political speeches, which were highly entertaining and usually included a lot of "your mom" jokes.

A scar on his right ear was caused by his failed attempt to rescue several starving Jewish orphans from the maw of Indiana Jones himself. As a reflection of his childhood fantasies and cross-national humanitarianism, boy Hitler believed he could save all the Jews in the world with the Spear of Destiny in hand. This infamous spearhead was used in Roman times to roast some hot chicken hanging over a fire.

Several geese entered his open mouth in a boating accident in the Ruhr following his attempt to rescue Polish school children, causing injury to his pelvis and lower shoulder. Further investigation has put into question the species of geese involved, but Einstein told us e = mc^2, so they must have been Canada Geese. When he smelled the wound, he discovered lithium. Nirvana later mentions this in one of their songs "Lithium", written in honor of Hitler.

Hitler's so-called "funny walk" was in fact a result of a botched circumcision, a fact he did not want revealed to the Jew-hating German opposition he encountered early in his political career. Other notable "Hitlerisms" have been attributed to being read bed time stories by his mother, Gretta, until he was 18.

Discography

  • (1928) Hitler and Roehm - The early years!
  • (1933) Greatest Hits
  • (1938) Aus Böhmen kommt die Musik
  • (1938) Die Katze Ist Auf Dem Tisch
  • (1939) Und dann die Hände zum Himmel
  • (1940) Hitler und Himmler - Duets
  • (1940) Zum Frühstück nach Paris
  • (1941) Moskau, Moskau!
  • (1941) Me encantan las chichis (B-sides and rare early recordings)
  • (1942) DAS OBERKOMMANDO DER WEHRMACHT GIBT BEKANNT!
  • (1943) Die Bombenstimmung
  • (1943) Bombs over Hamburg
  • (1944) Achtung, Luftwarnmeldung!
  • (1945) Germany, Fuck YEAH!
  • (1945) Meine letzte Nacht Im Führerbunker
  • (1945) The Very Best Of Adolf Hitler
  • (1946) We will win the war, I'm tellin' ya!
  • (1945) Die Toten Heron
  • (1969) Ich Esse Käse in der Dusche!! (Trance Remix)
  • (1998) Big Führer Style (with executive producer Will Smith)
  • (2004) Feat. Whitestkids - The Hitler Rap
  • (2006) Adolf Hitler feat. Mel Gibson - Reloaded!
  • (2006) Christmas with Hermann Göring and Goebbels' little daugther
  • (2006) Christmas with Adolf and Eva
  • (2006) Christmas Songs with Adolf Hitler and the Polish Premier Minister
  • (2010) Return of The Führer
  • (2021) Mein Electric Triangle Solo (yes the whole album)
  • (2025) I'm not dead! (Fritz remix)
  • (2026) Lesson I - Basic German for Mongolians
  • (2027) Lesson II - Basic German (How to say Hello) for Australians
  • (2027) Lesson III - Basic German (how to heil your Führer) The Führer speaks English (rare)

Filmography

  • (1933) Hitler - Live Aus Nürnberg, Das Deutsche Komedie
  • (1936) Superbowl Final 1936
  • (1940) Auschwitz - The Making Of
  • (1944) Die Letzte Offensive
  • (1944) Band Of Brothers
  • (1944) Hannukah with Israel and Sarah
  • (1945) The Longest Day
  • (1945) Bunker Sex / The legend of Hitler.
  • (1945) Live from the Führerbunker with Larry King
  • (1945) Der Untergang
  • (1989) Großdeutschland 2000
  • (1991) Mein Führer
  • (1991) Hitler Gone Mad , Holydays in Jerusalem.
  • (1992) Ich Ficke Deinen Führer
  • (2005) Shabbat Shalom, You're dead! (Bang Boom Bang parody)
  • (2006) Jerusalem - Travel Channel Documentary film
  • (2008) Nazi Wars - Episode I - The Facist menace
  • (2010) Nazi Wars - Episode II - The Attack Of The Popes
  • (2012) Nazi Wars - Episode III- Revenge Of The Nazi
  • (2015) Nazi Wars - Episode IV - A New Adolf
  • (2017) Nazi Wars - Episode V - The Death camps Strike Back
  • (2020) Nazi Wars - Episode VI - The Return of The Jews
  • (2022) Nazi Wars - Episode VII - Hitler Returns
  • (2024) Nazi Wars - Episode VIII - The Revenge of The Jews
  • (2026) Nazi Wars - Episode IX - The Jewish Avenger
  • (2027) Nazi Wars - Episode X - Back From Argentina (Honey, I'm home)

Historian drivel

These are just a few passages from Otto Wagener’s immense and amazing collection of memoirs entitled Hitler-Memoirs of a Confidant.

The context of the conversation taking place—as recorded by Wagener in his many pages of notes—is shortly after Geli’s accidental shooting death. The mainstream historians who seem to take delight in bending history to their own agenda have failed to point up the fact that Hitler’s niece was not murdered, but rather, had accidentally shot herself while mishandling Hitler’s handgun. He left the gun for her to use in case anything ever happened while he was gone. As Wagener himself, Heinrich Hoffmann, Kurt Ludecke, Ernst Hanfstaengl, Otto Dietrich and Winifred Wagner have asserted, her death was most certainly a terrible and tragic accident.

By reading these few passages, hopefully you will come to understand how deeply affected Hitler was over her death, as he recounts not only how much she meant to him personally, but more importantly, how he acknowledges how essential women are to men in general. This may well be one of the most powerful monologues Hitler had ever delivered on this subject—or on any subject for that matter—and Wagener recorded it for obvious reasons.

Also, pay close attention to how much religious overtone the conversation contains, as Hitler’s Christian beliefs come to the fore in a very real, honest, and tangible way. I do not think that anyone could read this piece and come away from it not believing in Hitler’s complete, and rather brutally honest, sincerity when it came to the death of his niece. Also, this piece will show that Hitler had a very real human side that could easily overtake him, especially when he experienced tragedies like this one. This is just one more piece of much needed primary evidence that will expunge the lies from Hitler studies in general, and hopefully you will come away from it having learned not only a bit more about history, but a bit more about the fragility of life and the importance of interpersonal relationships.

Moreover, Hitler’s emphasis on marriage as much more than a ‘contract’ will reveal to you that he thought on a much deeper intellectual and spiritual plane than the average person. He was unique indeed, and his outlook on marriage and women is one well worth reading.

This piece also exhibits Hitler’s sincere belief that marriage was not to be taken lightly, and he tells us why he could not marry. He did not choose not to marry out of selfishness, but rather, selflessness. I think it might also be important to note here that Eva Braun chose to be with Hitler, knowing full well that he could not marry her or give her the married life she so rightly deserved. She did not care and chose to be with him regardless, and she also chose—completely of her own accord and will—to die with him. Many historians choose to misconstrue this information as well, and they paint a morbid picture of a stormy relationship between the two; one in which Hitler mistreated Eva and called her “simple” and “stupid.”

Actually, Hitler called Eva on the phone every day while he was away, and his vacation time spent with her has been extensively documented by several of his adjutants, especially Hans Baur (his pilot).

It is not true that he called her “stupid,” as allegedly uttered by Albert Speer. He loved her for being an innocent and apolitical product of her Catholic upbringing. He wanted a woman like his mother; a kind, caring, and happy woman. The terms he more likely chose to describe her with were “pure” or “unaffected.” Traudl Junge recalled in her memoirs how immensely concerned for Eva Hitler always was, and how he always had a glow about him when she was in his presence, or even if someone mentioned her name.

Another amazing portion of this monologue is the part in which Hitler talks about day care centers. Most people do not even know that day care centers existed back in the 1930s and 1940s, but they did. Hitler did not like the idea of the day care centers, and it was his hope that he would be able to encourage women to want to raise own children and to want to be mothers, as opposed to laborers.

But, what is also worth noting, is the fact that Hitler did not proactively seek to remove women from the workforce, as he realized that young women and gifted women would certainly want to work and get an education, at least for a little while. This is yet another common misperception about Hitler’s social policies. One need only take note of Winifred Wagner, female military volunteers, women factory workers and laborers during the war years, Traudl Junge, Leni Riefenstahl, or Magda Göbbels, to come to the realization that Hitler’s policies never inhibited women.

Hitler even goes so far as to rant against some of those in his own party who had played a role in destructive policies. The idea that all of the Nazi-Sozis adhered to an identical—albeit predominantly maniacal—worldview, is untrue. Hitler did not agree with everything that was going on, especially with regards to social policies, and that too comes to the fore in this monologue.

Hitler’s emphasis on the family is also very impressive, and that really comes through in this piece. He was truly an admirer of good, solid family life, and he may have taken a particular interest in families because he did not have one. Hitler only had his sister, and the two were never close. Perhaps his lack of family life made him that much more effectual in his pro-family policies, as he enjoyed, more than most anything else, the accompaniment of his friends’ children and their relatives. Hitler visited the families of the Wagners, Göbbels’, and Bormanns quite regularly, and he always relished in their company.

Fun Facts about Hitler

HitlerandtheNazis
Hitler and the Nazis on their 1962 comeback tour. Adolf Hitler on Lead Guitar and vocals, Joseph Goebbels on guitar and backing vocals, Hermann Goering on Bass guitar and Heinrich Himmler on drums
Trolltalk
Hitler was such a shitty liar. All along, everyone knew that he really wanted to listen to 50 cent, smoke cron' n' bang bitches in his fly, pimped out ride. Such a playa hata.
File:Hitler.emo.jpg
According to one historian, Hitler was emo.
  • Hitler was a vegetarian; we can therefore conclude that all vegetarians are, in fact, Nazis.
  • Strength Through Jive: Although Hitler sketched the familiar outline of the Volkswagen Beetle, he is perhaps less well known as the father of Disco.
  • In the 3 years before his death, Hitler produced the famous porn series Hitler Gone Wild. It included him having sexual interactions with 3 different mexicans at once.
  • Mein Komp is the most common, Hitler-inspired renaming of My Computer.
  • Mein Kampf was recently republished for the U.S. public under the title Chicken Soup for the Soulless.
  • If Adolf Hitler were alive today, he'd surely be a big fan of Kenny Loggins. Time travelers also agree that if he had survived until modern day, he would be a big fan of modern black Music. Also, he will have his own talk show.
  • Hitler was also the author of the book "My Struggle to Get Laid" of which he states his difficulties of persuading Stalin to have anal sex with him. The dejection humiliated Hitler and encouraged him to begin operation Barbarossa against Russia.
  • Hitler can piss ((fire)).
  • Hitler enjoys long walks on the beach.
  • During the half time show of World War II, Eva Braun and Hermann Goerring were performing a musical number, when Braun's left breast became exposed due to a garment malfunction.
  • Hitler was sentenced to 2 weeks of community service by the grand jury during the Nuremberg Trials. He served his sentence along with Michelle Pfeiffer in some crappy high school.
  • Hitler ate a lot of watermelons and onions.
  • Hitler enjoyed playing trumpet for the mariachi band Los Chivos.
  • Hitler is a playable character in the Street Fighter series. He called M. Bison there.
  • Hitler was an emo kid.
  • Hitler directed horror movies for children and cats. The most famouse is Teletubbies.
  • "Hitler" once bet Chuck Norris his testicles to say that he could become supreme ruler and a music sensation. Unfortunately, he lost the world domination thing, but as he did make an impressive showing in his musical career, Norris decided only to take one.
  • Hitler was full of bees.
  • Hitler hated Jews.
  • Hitler liked liked to play chess with Mao Zedong

Hitler Quotes

“I may want to exterminate the sub-human Jewish vermin from the face of the Earth, but I think we've all been there.”
~ Adolf Hitler on Jews
“Well, I wanted to be a painter. But when they turned down my application to the academy, I decided to kill six million Jews instead.”
~ Adolf Hitler on his career ambitions
“My biggest influences are probably Nietzsche, Martin Luther, and The Smiths.”
~ Adolf Hitler on his influences
“Everyone goes around going, 'heil, heil' now. I mean, I'm the one who started it. I was the one who made it cool.”
~ Adolf Hitler on the Hitler salute
“He's not as bad as everyone makes him out to be.”
~ Joseph Göbbels on Adolf Hitler
“I don't know, I was really bummed out. I had too much to drink that night.”
~ Adolf Hitler on writing Mein Kampf
“It's not like I set out to be this big scary evil guy or anything. It just sort of turned out that way. Sometimes I wonder if it's the mustache.”
~ Adolf Hitler on his unpopularity
“In Germany, Jews destroy YOU!”
~ Adolf Hitler on making use of the Russian reversal technique to confuse his audience.
“I haven't decided what I'm going to do to the Jews yet, but for the moment I'm planning on concentrating them in camps of some sort until I think of a final solution.”
~ Adolf Hitler on his plans for the Jews
“Jews suck!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Jews
“He was just the best son a father could ever ask for. Most kids will exterminate 100,000 Jews, 500,000 Jews, mabye 1,000,000 Jews, but 6,000,000 Jews! It really makes a father proud”
~ Satan on his son Hitler
“Exterminate!! Exterminate!!”
~ Hitler on Jews
“What? Me Worry?”
“I was only attempting to rival Butlins on a scale never seen before!”
~ Hitler on on his holiday parks company, KZ
“I was actually born as Q'gracktehfragginflak. ..Of course everyone called me "Hitler".”
~ Adolf Hitler on his name

Famous Hitler Followers

See also

External Links

  • Hitler's Rap - In the early 21st century, Hitler resurfaced and began his rap career.

The Truth About Hitler

Some historians have found all we know about Hitler, written above, to be a Jewish/Communist conspiracy/lie. Here is an alternative version that is offensive and, therefore, probably correct. Former British Prime Minister, Lloyd George, once said "[Hitler] is the George Washington of Germany." Think about that one the next time you masturbate.

The Aryan Race

In ancient times, the Aryans originated from interstellar deities who bred by electricity, while the lower races were a result of inbreeding between apes and humans.

The King of the Aryans was Adolf Hitler, whose symbols are the swastika, the noble eagle, and the lightning bolt. He was able to fly, throw thunderbolts, and exercise mind control.

Hitler led the Aryans down from space onto earth many eons ago. The Aryans spread all across the world and built civilization, and invented things like writing, engineering, and art. However, a few misguided Aryans began to mate with the lesser races, and there arose terrible races of half-simian mongrels. This disastrous event is called the Downfall of the Aryans.

In his rage, Hitler punished the Aryans by taking away their godhood, so that the Aryans were no longer gods, but merely imperfect human beings. However, imperfect as they are, ARyans were still infinitely superior to the lesser races, who have never had any spark of divinity or redemption in them. Hitler himself retained his divinity and remains a god to this day.

When an Aryan dies, his or her soul merges with Hitler.

World War II

WWII was the mano a mano duel between two powerful gods - Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. These two mighty contestants mobilized the entire galaxy's soul-force and energies against each other. In the end, Hitler was vanquished and lost many of his divine powers, including the ability to fly. Stalin, though victorious, was terribly wounded and had to retreat into another dimension, to recuperate and heal.

Hitler Escapes to the Moon

After WWII, Adolf Hitler escaped to Antarctica with hardcore followers and built a secret lair. Meanwhile, the Allies and Jewish Conspiracy faked Hitler's death in Berlin, with the result that most of the world believes Hitler is dead.

In truth, Hitler survived, created a base in Antarctica, and using advanced German Engineering, launched himself and his followers into space in a rocket and reached the moon.

Adolf Hitler survives to this day on the dark side of the moon, where he has built a large military base and has used life-lengthening techniques to survive in perfect health. It is rumored he contacted space aliens from the galaxy Andromeda. In the future, Hitler will return to earth with the assistance of his Andromedan allies, and conquer this planet to usher in the Thousand Year Reich.

The Garden of Eden

Using advanced German Engineering, Hitler built a Garden of Eden on the dark side of the moon, a lush tropical wonderland filled with diverse flora and fauna. He built this as a habitat for himself to live in while he prepares his triumphant return to earth.

In this Garden of Eden there are endless streams of nectar that Hitler drinks from whenever he wants. All the animals are completely obedient to Hitler's will, so if he sees a horse he can ride it, and he can command the birds to stop chirping and the mosquitos to stop buzzing so he can sleep soundly. He can dispatch the monkeys to climb a coconut tree and fetch a coconut for him to eat, and he can tell the honeybees to fly away so he can eat the honey from their hive. He can also call Jesus to do his bidding at will.

Hitler also built extremely advanced cloaking devices to render the Garden completely invisible to any optical technology we have available today. That is why the structure cannot be seen by anyone whom Hitler doesn't want seeing him.

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