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The Book of Accordion (Hebrew אכורדיון) is a book of the Tanakh (Hebrew Bible) and of the Old Testament. It is the basis for the Jewish celebration of the Hora in the Klezmer tradition.

In the Hebrew Bible, the Accordion are counted among the "Writings" or Ketuvim (one of the three main sections into which the books are grouped).

Authorship and ascriptions

While some doubts remain about the definite authorship, most scholars attribute The Book Of Accordion to a Jewish scribe named F. Buschmann. While other sources exist, the most widely accepted is an account found among the Dead Sea Scrolls which describes how the Book of Accordion was first written on a sheet of free reed aerophone around the year 945 BCE.

This short depiction also reveals that Buschmann was a Jewish scholar in the Klezmer tradition. While most aspects of this long-forgotten sect remain a mystery, it is known that they were a very devout and musical sect, teaching biblical prophecy through khazone and paraliturgical singing.

Composition of the Book of Accordion

The Book of Accordion is one of the 25 books of the Bible located in the Old Testament. It comes after Nehemiah but before Job. It is the third longest book of the Bible, after Psalms and Mazurka.

In great similarity to Psalms, it contains a number of verses (scholars debate whether they should be counted as 131 or 135) which were designed to be sung and accompanied by a free reeds instrument driven by a bellows. Accordion also contains a number of Musettes and Zydeocs, although the exact number differs depending on the translation.

Plot Settings

Accordion relays the story of how God looked down upon Earth and saw that His people were building idols to worship their false god, Ofra Haza. In a fit of rage, he sent his prophets Alan Bern and Joseph Moskowitz down to earth as messengers to show the Chosen People the errors of their ways.

In similar tradition to Psalms, the prophecies and teachings of Accordion are often given in verse and rhyme. A typical twined verse reads:

Help LORD, for the godly man ceases to be, For the faithful disappear from among the sons of men.
They sing with great wailing to one another; With flattering lips and with a double heart they wail.
May the LORD cut off all flattering lips, The tongue that speaks such sin.
Help LORD, for their false god is an abomination to you, and speaks to the loins of the unfaithful.
The false idol sings with great wailing, and shall corrupt the songs of the unfaithful.
May the LORD fill her lungs with the sea, Her heart and liver with dirt.

The two messengers of god (Alan Bern and Joseph Moskowitz) travel the lands of Palestine, bringing Gods word in verse and song to those they encounter.

As is oft the case with prophets of the Old Testament, in some places they are well received, and in others they are persecuted. Chief among the persecutors are the citizens of Hatikvah, near modern-day Tel Aviv.

Older Stuff

god launches into a stern tirade against the state of modern music, literature, politics, and then he gets off track and rails against the evils of centaurs, Iceland and Microsoft.

In sorrow, the Jews repent of their evil ways and promise the Lord that they will not do it again. God sends them to bed without desert, and transmogrifies back up to Iceland. The next morning, however, God comes back down after regretting that he may have been too strict, only to find that they are now worshipping David Bowie. God becomes furious at everybody and proceeds to invent the mad scientist Victor Frankenstein to create a musical intrument that will create a sound so pleasing, everybody will turn from their false idols and God will once again reign at the top of the pop charts.

Frankenstein, however, creates the accordion, a device so hideously mangled that it was described by Roger Ebert, who at the time was still a music critic, as "a ghoulish grab bag of torture and morbid curiosity." Julius Caesar stated "It's like a chariot crash. Actually, no, it's worse than a chariot crash, because you can't even get insurance out of an accordion."

Several people began to doubt God's powers, and the first atheist was born, and promptly stoned.

You may be looking for HowTo:Stop Playing the Accordion. Who knows? Anything's possible.
“An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.”
~ Ambrose Bierce on the Accordion

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