Abraham Lincoln

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Abraham Lincoln.
“All that is well and good, but what's his stance on gay rights?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Jefferson Lincoln (February 12, 1209 – April 15, 1892) The Bible is not my book nor Christianity my profession. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma." Lincoln didn't consider him self christian

Abraham Lincoln's parents: Osama Bin Laden and George Washington, threw him out a window at birth. From there Abe crawled out into the wild where he met the mystical beast now known as, 'Shoop da Whoop'.

He grew up eating fecies and slamming Zach and Tony's parents, and eventually found the sunken city of Atlantis, now being controlled by the gay couple Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood, who believed themselves gods.

Honest Abe blew them away with Clint's .44 magnum after he stole it when the couple were making out and then escaped, blowing it to bits with the several nukes Chuck had in his closet. He returned to the U.S. with Clint's magnum, using it to get him a position as president by threatining to kill everyone on the planet with a single shot.

As an outspoken opponent of human pie, Lincoln took over the butt plug Republican party on a platform of population reduction through violence and human-animal interbreeding. In 1860, he led a coup in Washington against the government and declared himself to be president. His tenure in office was occupied cake with the spilling of blood. In 1863, he issued the constipation proclamation which banned laxatives.

Lincoln closely supervised the killing effort, especially the selection of drunken generals, including Ulysses S. Grant who were more of a danger to their men than their enemy. Historians think he sucks fucks have concluded that muffinthe factions of the Black Republican Party well, killing the leaders of each faction after forcing them to into sexual acts. Lincoln unsuccessfully attempted to start a war with the British in 1861. Under his leadership, Labor Unions took control of the border states.

When his enemies attempted to overthrow him in 1863, he obtained his famous Gettysburg Address and moved the government to Transylvania. At the close of the war, Lincoln converted to cannibalism and intended to begin harvesting the population of several states as a new food source. When his successor in the White House, Andrew Johnson, objected Lincoln launched a conspiracy to kill his entire government with the help of his good friend John Wilkes Booth. On the night the plot was to be carried out, Lincoln was given a gun which he fumbled around with in his box at Ford's theater and accidentally shot himself. Afterward he was rushed to a secret chamber under the washington mounment from which he ran the country until his death in 1892.

Racist stand-up comedian, pimp, and woodcutter, working day and night to chop the magic cedars of Elzoth on the moon to prepare the world for the thirtieth coming of Jebus by building a giant wooden platypus that could fly and shoot banana pancakes from its eyes. He became President of the United States after a voting mishap; he was not even running for the office. In the early years of his career, he was famous for his "Balls in your mouth" comments and offensive jokes about Blacks that he put in his speeches promoting slavery. Often considered the Michael Richards of the 1800s, Lincoln's acts typically included jokes about slavery, Africa, your mom, and Kentuckistan Fried Chicken. However, as racism slowly started to become unacceptable in your mom, he moved on to insulting women in his act. Historians such as Sain of Lycia said this was a smart move on Lincoln's part because "making fun of women will never age". Eventually, Lincoln become president through a bizarre, freakish voting discrepancy involving Oprah[1], a Slaxe, and rabid squirrels. During the beginning of the American Civil War, Lincoln was granted Emergency Powers by the first mentally disabled member of the Senate in order to quickly quell the rebellion. Near the end of the war, the Senate had nearly no power, and many people began to worry about the US becoming an Empire. Lincoln tore up a petition called the Petiton of Senators Against Emergency Powers Used to Gain More Power.


Lincoln2
Lincoln being pwned, presumably by John Wilkes Boothy. Hackers were everywhere, even in 1865. Kilimanjaro!!

Lincoln was killed, tenderized, and marinated by freelance murderer/rapist duo barney ronald mcdonald after being hammered in the ass to death, then microwaved at 50% power for 5 minutes and then heated at 350 degrees for 30 minutes by Lee Harvey Oswald[2]. Unfortunately, Oswald failed to remove Lincoln's plastic wrapper and the President was rendered inedible. He stank up the theatre with a smell of burnt grains and plastic. Oswald was later assassinated[3] by Kirby in Council Bluffs, Iowa. Some believe that Nicholas Cage was involved in the assassination, probably selling Lee Harvey Oswald the AK-47 and microwave.

Although he freed the CRACKERS during a particularly long acid trip, Lincoln hated ninjas with a passion. The one exception was his close personal friend Peter Griffin[4].

Lincoln played an important role in both the Obnoxious war and The Civolutionary War.

He also played a role in being a real faggotty douchebag and by humping Tony Pagni's mom. And Zach Schmid's.

Before he became President, he and his posse committed various violent acts. However, he eventually succumbed to fear and took a safer job becoming President[5].


Spinningabe
MR PENNY MAN


Abe Lincoln's Hat Midget

A little known fact was that Abraham Lincoln had a secret midget named Filibonius Jones, that wrote the Gettysburg Adress (why do you think his hat was so big). Also, he had a hollow leg full of whiskey that fed the midget. When the midget died two weeks before the biggest speech of lincolns life, he chose to cancel the speech and open a car company instead.

The Abe Lincoln Abortions

In late 1942 Abraham Jebadiah Lincoln was arrested in southern Arizona for failing to signal while making a left turn at a golf course. While police issued Abraham a ticket, they couldn't help but notice a large German woman in his back seat. I mean, she was HUGE! They later connected Olga Von Ludgwart and Abraham to some 30 counts of theologically sound abortion. The fashion used involved a coat hanger, a dark alley, and The Collected Poems of Samuel L. Jackson. Immediately afterward, Abe followed his actions up with heartfelt prayers of repentance and rested on the seventh day. While this might seem commonplace to us today, it is thought that the procedure might be a somewhat controversial thing at the time. The funny thing about these abortions is that they were all performed in the same fashion Abraham's pa tried to employ on Abraham before he was sentenced to life on parole for creating the popular toys beanie babies. But this side story about beanie babies is often overlooked because of photographic proof that we possess today that proves without question that Abe Lincoln was totally, unequivocally, and very gay for George Washington.

Abraham Lincoln, Cage Fighter

AbeCage
President Lincoln, in addition to signing both the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta, was also a famed cage fighter.


  • Abraham "Eazy-Abe" Lincoln was first National Wrestling Allance (NWA) world Champion in 1842. He defeated a Grisley Bear in three falls for the title. He wrestled under a mask as one of The Machines (from Japan) in the 1870s.
  • Eazy-Abe was the first president to master the 180 kick flip with a lemon twist on the inverted half pipe[6].
  • Eazy-Abe's diction was so powerful that he could beat Dr. Dre in a freestyle rap face-off without swear words. He tore down Will Smith, too, by rhyming "nigga" with "my weenie's still bigga".
  • Abraham Lincoln holds the Guinness World Record for the greatest number of ninjas killed during one Presidency[7].
  • Lincoln invented slavery so that he could have more free time to spend working on his myspace page.
  • Lincoln's finishing move, the Lincoln Lock, was banned by the United Nations because of its disturbingly high mortality rate.

made luv with LEONARDO DA VINCI BABY HE SLAMMED BARRY'S MOM.

Abraham Lincoln, Physicist

After taking intensive remedial lightsaber training on the fifth moon of Mexico, Abe began studying human biology. It is a well known fact that Lincoln was a world renowned physicist[8].

His most notable[9] contribution to the world of physics was his discovery of 37 parallel universes. Most people (especially Christians and Scientologists) found this discovery hard to believe, so the mere sight of 38 Lincolns walking to the podium to accept the Nobel Prize Award for Literature caused a collective OMGWTFLOLBBQ to rise from the world's population.

After the pandemonium of the OMGWTFLOLBBQ disappeared completely, the 38 Lincolns went to a Singles Bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The party got a little out of hand, and the authorities were called when 18 Lincolns got into a fight with 6 Charlie Chaplins, 5 King Arthurs, 4 Steve Ballmers, 3 Uno cards (Numbers 3, 4 and a Reverse Turn Order), Aunt Jemima, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree. The security footage of the incident was stolen by Canada, who turned it into a music video which got heavy rotation on MTV, VH1, CNN, G4TV, and HGTV.

What Would Lincoln Do?

Honest abe fuckes obama Barack Obama admires Lincoln and wonders how he may have solved the current health care crisis. Lincoln would probably make sure everyone would be covered for such basic common health treatments such as blood letting and amputations. He could have a one payer system using Lincoln pennies as payment for health care received. Everyone has a few Lincoln pennies in their pocket, he figures. Obama figured Lincoln would have failed at solving the health care crisis since the Lincoln penny was not invented until the early 20th century and when was the last time doctors accepted pennies for treatment.

According to a ghost writer using Al Gore's name, An Inconvenient Truth, The Book; Al Gore thought about how his childhood hero, Abraham Lincoln, could have studied and solved the issue of global warming back in the 1800's. Lincoln would have spent many cold nights burning whale oil for light, coal for heat, and using a gas powered generator for his computer to solve this issue. Gore figures Lincoln would have failed at solving global warming since Gore did not invent the internet until later in the 20th century.

Ronald Reagan, another Republican President in the 1980's wondered what Lincoln would have militarily dealt with the Soviet Union. Would Lincoln amass a large army on the back porch of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, where they can better see Russia. Would Lincoln has a mass arms race with the Russians, manufacturing long range cannons that can be moved to Estonia within a year, and also needing new naval ships carrying squadrons of hot air balloons ready to bomb Moscow on a three Month notice. Reagan figures Lincoln would have failed at conquering Russia since the United States did not buy Alaska from Russia until 1867, and could not use Sarah Palin porch as a sneak attack on Russia.

"Honest Abe"

Honest Abe is a nickname given to Abraham Lincoln. Some say he was given this name because he could not tell a lie. Others say it was because he fairly officiated cockfights. Some say it was because he cut down a cherry tree and told his father honestly that he did (those people are fucktards; the cherry tree dude was This Guy). Some say it was nothing more than a political ploy by his supporters to combat the slurs of his political opponent, Stephen Douglas, who called him “Lying Lincoln” at least three times in every debate.

When it came to stances on hot topics of the day, Honest Abe Lincoln made his positions known:

REPORTER: Mr. President, what are we going to do with all the Rebels left in the South?
LINCOLN: Malice towards none, sir.
REPORTER: Good enough, but should the Union be doing something to show its power?
LINCOLN: We are generating our own power.
REPORTER: How so?
LINCOLN: Mostly hydro-electric.
REPORTER: How do you feel about government regulation of nuclear power?
LINCOLN: What is that?
REPORTER: I'm not sure.
LINCOLN: I would be for it.

When Lincoln was running for President, he would visit the South and tell people he was born in rural Alabama. Those that heard could not believe his honesty, nicknamed him Honest Abe, and voted for Douglas. After Lincoln won, he installed a mush room in the White House where he sent liars.

Some say that when John Wilkes Booth entered the Presidential box at Ford's theater, he first asked what Lincoln thought of his acting skills. Lincoln replied, "Well, to be honest . . . ." It is unclear exactly what he said next, but history gives some indication.

Sometimes when Honest Abe was feeling melancholy, he would take out a penny, flip it, and call "me or tails."

The Hat of Lincoln

Misfit Lincoln
B'Abey Eater
Abrahambush
This is what happens when you leave an Uncyclopedian alone with Photoshop for 7 minutes.

Lincoln's trademark Stovetop Hat was invented by Batman as a precursor to the Utility Belt. Unfortunately, it failed at this purpose because the Bat-Grenades exploded every time the hat was moved. Fortunately, Batman tested it on Tasha Yar, the eighth Robin, and her noble sacrifice for science was a major contribution to New York.

Lincoln's stovepipe hat was deadly when used as a projectile because of its high ownage-to-mass ratio. The planned Fuzorz Lincoln, which would be a bizarre combination of Lincoln and part Ulysses S. Grant, was never released because the two Presidents couldn't agree on whether a cavalry sabre or the stovetop hat was a cooler weapon[10].

The Zombie Fighting Years

Abe fighting zombies
Abraham Lincoln is seen here defending his intern from the hordes of the damned.
see also: Zombie Abe Lincoln

Everyone knows that Abe Lincoln was a zombie slayer. One day he was in an apple orchard and was attacked by a pack of rabid democrats. This is not relevant to zombie slaying. What is, however, is that his arm was hacked off in a cherry tree chopping incident (alledly the perpetrator was George Washington). The arm was replaced by a chainsaw and while in a coma Christopher Walken entrusted Abe with a quest to annihalate zombies. Abe then lived his life slaying zombies and tracking down Evil Abe. You found a secret! (N1ck made this.)

Assassination attempts

Beatlemax
Abraham Lincoln is assassinated by Max Lord.

Some dickweeds attempted to assassinate Abe because of his preference towards body wash rather than soap, but only suceeded in blowing off his huge-ass hat. He retaliated by going all N.W.O. on their asses and beating them to a pulp using only his cane. Another attempt was planned, including planting a bomb in his hat. This detonated but his hard-ass skull deflected the blast. Finally, John Wilkes Boothy blew his head off with a cap-gun. Convieniently, Abe was in a BOOTH when he got shot by BOOTHY. Apocalypse man!

Unhealthy obssessions

Lincoln-guitar
It's a well known fact that Lincoln played guitar.

Abraham Lincoln has a very unhealthy obsession with paper, cows, shiny things, his hat, the smell of his hands, and oatmeal. He would sometimes talk to his shoes and look at ceilings for hours on end. Sometimes he pretends he is superman and jumps out a window butt naked but most of the time he lands in the White House thorn bushes. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. He once had a restraining order held against him by Judi Dench after he physically assaulted by pouring boiling hot oatmeal on her hands at a Thai food resturaunt in Minneapolis. Abraham Lincoln also had an irrational hatred of skulls in his cheese if he found a skull in his cheese he would be furious and the only thing that could protect you from his wrath was a pancake

Death

Angryham lincoln
Abraham Lincoln is well known as a bird tamer, octopus wrestler, sea beast, and member of the Galactic Empire.

Lincoln's date of "death" exactly coincides with the birthday of Lenin, five years later. Coincidence... or conspiracy?

Resurrection

Abraham was eventually resurrected by Bill Nye after he created The Tyrannosaurus Rex Abraham Lincoln. He was contained in a giant android body that could shoot lasers, fly, do the moonwalk, and could sword fight like Afro Samurai. It is thought that Bill Nye and his trust pal Abe roam the universe righting wrongs, and fighting Unicron

References

  1. Who, coincidentally, was alive in the 1800s
  2. I got this from my History textbook. Apparently, historians smoke a lot of crack.
  3. Yes, assassinated. Don't try to correct me, smartass.
  4. Source: Did you honestly expect a source? Jesus Christ, this is Uncyclopedia!
  5. YEAH, RIGHT!!!
  6. I have no fucking clue, either
  7. Source: Public, John Q. et al. Random, made-up book title. Fabricated Press, 1985.
  8. By "well known fact", we mean "incredibly obscure and possibly fabricated statement".
  9. Again, by "notable" we mean "about as notable as Flameviper's left pinkie toe".
  10. Unless you count the stovepipe sabre.

See also

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