A Series of Unfortunate Events

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<div style="margin-left: 60px;">[[Wikipedia]] also has an article about '''[[Wikipedia:A Series of Unfortunate Events|A Series of Unfortunate Events]]''', although I doubt the fact that it is any less depressing than this one.</div></div><noinclude>Hello, reader. It seemes you have found this article whilst browsing halfheartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing. I sometimes cry like a baby at night, my erect penis slowly vanishing from existece, because of the horrors of this article. My name is [[Lemony Snicket]], and it is my sad duty to tell you about the story of '''A Series Of Unfortunate Events'''. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get. Yet the world must know. If you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other article. That way, you would never have to know about the shocking series of unfortunate events documented below.
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<div style="margin-left: 60px;">[[Wikipedia]] also has an article about '''[[Wikipedia:A Series of Unfortunate Events|A Series of Unfortunate Events]]''', although I doubt the fact that it is any less depressing than this one.</div></div><noinclude>Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing. I sometimes cry like a baby at night, my erect penis slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article. My name is [[Lemony Snicket]], and it is my sad duty to tell you about the story of '''A Series of Unfortunate Events'''. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get. Yet the world must know. If you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other article. That way, you would never have to know about the shocking series of unfortunate events documented below.
   
 
== '''The Perilous Plot Summary''' ==
 
== '''The Perilous Plot Summary''' ==
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|}</div><noinclude>
 
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This particular plot is one of sadness and woe. Its main characters are three sad children who must face [[Wedding|burden]] after [[Pregnancy|burden]] in order to finally settle down happily . They are constantly stalked by a greedy, evil, despicable person and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. <s>Life, eh?</s>
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This particular plot is one of sadness and woe. Its main characters are three sad children who must face [[Wedding|burden]] after [[Pregnancy|burden]] in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a greedy, evil, despicable person and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. <s>Life, eh?</s>
   
The three children at the center of the story are Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. You can read more about them in the characters section, although it will fill your heart with depressing-ness and suicidal feelings. The childeren lived a happy life until one terrible day, they are informed by [[Moron|Mr Poe]], a banker, that [[Irony|their parents have been burned to death in a fire that has destroyed their home and all of their belongings, therefore making them orphans]]. The orphans are then placed into the custody of a so-called relative named [[Jim Carrey|Count Olaf]]. Unfortunately, Count Olaf is [[evil]], and only cares about getting the insanely large Baudelaire fortune that Violet will inherit when she turns eighteen. He tries to [[Incest|marry]] Violet during a production of a play called ''Mama Mia''. However, Klaus figures out Olaf's evil scheme relatively quickly and [[I don't know|the Baudelaires foil Olaf somehow]].
+
The three children at the center of the story are Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. You can read more about them in the characters section, although it will fill your heart with depressing-ness and suicidal feelings. The children lived a happy life until one terrible day, they are informed by [[Moron|Mr Poe]], a banker, that [[Irony|their parents have been burned to death in a fire that has destroyed their home and all of their belongings, therefore making them orphans]]. The orphans are then placed into the custody of a so-called relative named [[Jim Carrey|Count Olaf]]. Unfortunately, Count Olaf is [[evil]], and only cares about getting the insanely large Baudelaire fortune that Violet will inherit when she turns eighteen. He tries to [[Incest|marry]] Violet during a production of a play called ''Mama Mia''. However, Klaus figures out Olaf's evil scheme relatively quickly and [[I don't know|the Baudelaires foil Olaf somehow]].
   
 
Due to the incompetence of Mr Poe, the orphans cannot live with [[Sexy Bitch|kind next-door neighbour]] Judge Justice Strauss, who helped them foil Olaf's scheme. So, Mr Poe sends them to live with relatives with distinguishing features, each of whom are killed by Olaf over the course of the next six books. Wanting a change of pace, Olaf frames the orphans for murder in ''The Vile Village'', and they become fugitives. During books eight to ten, the Baudelaires jump over dams, narrowly escape oncoming trains and are shot at.
 
Due to the incompetence of Mr Poe, the orphans cannot live with [[Sexy Bitch|kind next-door neighbour]] Judge Justice Strauss, who helped them foil Olaf's scheme. So, Mr Poe sends them to live with relatives with distinguishing features, each of whom are killed by Olaf over the course of the next six books. Wanting a change of pace, Olaf frames the orphans for murder in ''The Vile Village'', and they become fugitives. During books eight to ten, the Baudelaires jump over dams, narrowly escape oncoming trains and are shot at.
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Lemony Snicket P.S. I am NOT dead, although sometimes I wish I was.]]
 
Lemony Snicket P.S. I am NOT dead, although sometimes I wish I was.]]
   
* [[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi|The Bad Beginning]]
+
* '''[[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi|The Bad Beginning]]''' This sad story is merely the start of a larger sad story, which is continued throughout a series of twelve other sad stories, which are part of the aforementioned larger sad story.
* [[Snakes on a Plane|The Reptile Room]]
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* '''[[Snakes on a Plane|The Reptile Room]]''' In which the Baudelaires are almost eaten by a snake.
* [[Windows 98|The Wide Window]]
+
* '''[[Windows 98|The Wide Window]]''' In order to highlight the dark themes of this book, I made someone commit [[suicide]] in this story.
* [[This page does NOT exist|The Miserable Mill]]
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* '''[[This page does NOT exist|The Miserable Mill]]''' The Baudelaires discover the highs and lows of slave labour.
* [[HowTo:Alienate yourself from your fellow classmates|The Austere Academy]]
+
* '''[[HowTo:Alienate yourself from your fellow classmates|The Austere Academy]]''' The Baudelaires go to college.
* [[Elevator|The Ersatz Elevator]]
+
* '''[[Elevator|The Ersatz Elevator]]''' This book includes the first appearance of [[A Series of Unfortunate Events#Esmé Squarlor/redirect|Esmé Squarlor]].
* [[Village idiot|The Vile Village]]
+
* '''[[Village idiot|The Vile Village]]''' Thinking that they have finally found [[VFD]], the Baudelaires go to a village named VFD, but their hearts are soon broken.
* [[Scrubs|The Hostile Hospital]]
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* '''[[Scrubs|The Hostile Hospital]]''' The eighth book in this wretched series of unfortunate events.
* [[Circus|The Carnivorous Carnival]]
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* '''[[Circus|The Carnivorous Carnival]]''' After a shocking encounter with some carnies, the Baudelaires are hired by a circus.
* [[Mount Everest|The Slippery Slope]]
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* '''[[Mount Everest|The Slippery Slope]]''' Klaus slips on a floor and has a close encounter with death.
* [[Don't click here!|The Grim Grotto]]
+
* '''[[Don't click here!|The Grim Grotto]]''' The Baudelaires visit Santa's Grotto, only to find out that ''Count Olaf is Santa!''
* [[Hotel California|The Penultimate Peril]]
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* '''[[Hotel California|The Penultimate Peril]]''' This book marks the end of the series being just around the corner.
* [[The End]]
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* '''[[The End]]''' This sad story is merely the end of a larger sad story, which was continued throughout a series of twelve other sad stories, which are part of the aforementioned larger sad story.
   
 
== '''The Carnivorous Characters''' ==
 
== '''The Carnivorous Characters''' ==
 
=== '''Protagonists''' ===
 
=== '''Protagonists''' ===
[[File:Baudelaire orphans.jpg|thumb|right|The Baudelaires as seen in [[A Series of Unfortunate Events#The Miserable Movie/redirect|the film]] *shudder*]]<big>'''''[[User:Blakegriplingph/Violet Baudelaire|Violet Baudelaire]]'''''</big> is the eldest of the three Baudelaire orphans and is fourteen years old. She is an [[Invention|inventor]] and a [[priest]]. I respect Violet for being able to strive through the toughness of life without falling, unlike I. She can survive the barbaric wilderness of fate, battle the extreme incompitence of those around her... [[Masturbation|Oh yeah]]. Violet became famous on her fifth birthday for inventing the [[IPad|iPad]], but [[Steve Jobs]] stole the concept and perfected it for worldwide sales in [[2010]].
+
<big>'''''[[User:Blakegriplingph/Violet Baudelaire|Violet Baudelaire]]'''''</big> is the eldest of the three Baudelaire orphans and is fourteen years old. She is an [[Invention|inventor]] and a [[priest]]. I respect Violet for being able to strive through the toughness of life without falling, unlike me. She can survive the barbaric wilderness of fate, battle the extreme incompetence of those around her... [[Masturbation|Oh yeah]]. Violet became famous on her fifth birthday for inventing the [[IPad|iPad]], but [[Steve Jobs]] stole the concept and perfected it for worldwide sales in [[2010]].
   
 
<br>
 
<br>
<big>'''''Klaus Baudelaire'''''</big> is the [[Book|book]][[worm]] of the group. As Groucho Marx once said:
+
<big>'''''Klaus Baudelaire'''''</big> is the [[book]][[worm]] of the group. As Groucho Marx once said:
 
{{Q|Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.|Groucho Marx|Reading}}
 
{{Q|Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.|Groucho Marx|Reading}}
 
Klaus reads lots and lots of books, mainly [[Playboy]] magazines. He would happily sit in his parents' library, absorbing hundreds of [[Useless|essential]] facts, and enjoy himself thoroughly, with not a thought about what [[High school|barbaric things]] life has in store for him. Klaus comes across a library in every book, and will often sit down and have a relaxing read for a good two hours whilst his siblings are trapped in a life-threatening situation with [[Immortality|virtually]] no means of escape. Klaus wears glasses and is twelve years old.
 
Klaus reads lots and lots of books, mainly [[Playboy]] magazines. He would happily sit in his parents' library, absorbing hundreds of [[Useless|essential]] facts, and enjoy himself thoroughly, with not a thought about what [[High school|barbaric things]] life has in store for him. Klaus comes across a library in every book, and will often sit down and have a relaxing read for a good two hours whilst his siblings are trapped in a life-threatening situation with [[Immortality|virtually]] no means of escape. Klaus wears glasses and is twelve years old.
   
 
<br>
 
<br>
<big>'''''Sunny Baudelaire'''''</big> is the youngest Baudelaire, just a [[baby]]. Ah, infancy. I remember when I was a wee one, being kidnapped by VFD and dropped facefirst onto solid concrete road. Um, uh, anyway, Sunny bites many things, including cans of weedkiller, sticks of synamite and male [[genitalia]]. In the later books, Sunny expresses an interest in cooking. Sunny often talks in a series of uncomprehensible shreiks e.g. [[reebok]], [[Gahh!|gah]] and HEIL!
+
<big>'''''Sunny Baudelaire'''''</big> is the youngest Baudelaire, just a [[baby]]. Ah, infancy. I remember when I was a wee one, being kidnapped by VFD and dropped face first onto solid concrete road. Um, uh, anyway, Sunny bites many things, including cans of weedkiller, sticks of dynamite and male [[genitalia]]. In the later books, Sunny expresses an interest in cooking. Sunny often talks in a series of incomprehensible shrieks e.g. [[reebok]], [[Gahh!|gahh]] and heil.
   
 
<br>
 
<br>
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=== '''Antagonists''' ===
 
=== '''Antagonists''' ===
'''''Count Olaf''''' is despicable. 'Nuff said. '''See also: [[arson]], [[evil]], [[murder]]'''[[File:Kid picture.jpg|thumb|right|Count Olaf as drawn by Brett Helqueist, who illustrates my books.]]
+
'''''Count Olaf''''' is despicable. 'Nuff said. '''See also: [[arson]], [[evil]], [[murder]]'''[[File:Kid picture.jpg|thumb|right|Count Olaf as drawn by Brett Helqueist, who illustrates my books. As you can see, he has improved.]]
   
 
'''''Esmé Squarlor''''' used to be the Baudelaire's foster mother. Then she slept with the despicable Count Olaf and adopted Carmetilia Spats. Esmé joined Count Olaf in his scheme for [[world domination]], and she even killed a crow. The bitch!
 
'''''Esmé Squarlor''''' used to be the Baudelaire's foster mother. Then she slept with the despicable Count Olaf and adopted Carmetilia Spats. Esmé joined Count Olaf in his scheme for [[world domination]], and she even killed a crow. The bitch!
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'''''Carmetilia Spats''''' is a spoiled brat who is adopted by Count Olaf and Esmé Squarlor. Carmetilia is also evil and attempted to stab the orphans during their stay at [[boarding school]] in ''The Austere Academy''. Count Olaf hates Carmetilia and manages to poison her in ''The Penultimate Peril''.
 
'''''Carmetilia Spats''''' is a spoiled brat who is adopted by Count Olaf and Esmé Squarlor. Carmetilia is also evil and attempted to stab the orphans during their stay at [[boarding school]] in ''The Austere Academy''. Count Olaf hates Carmetilia and manages to poison her in ''The Penultimate Peril''.
   
'''''Count Olaf's Theater Troupe''''' includes a [[Hooker|hook-handed man]], two white faced women, a [[Baldness|bald man]] wth a huge [[penis|nose]], a fat [[transvestite]], a [[Puberty|wart-faced man]], and a few [[carnies]], all of them determined to be evil.
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'''''Count Olaf's Theatre Troupe''''' includes a [[Hooker|hook-handed man]], two white faced women, a [[Baldness|bald man]] with a huge [[penis|nose]], a fat [[transvestite]], a [[Puberty|wart-faced man]], and a few [[carnies]], all of them determined to be evil.
   
 
=== '''Other''' ===
 
=== '''Other''' ===
 
<big>'''''Beatrice'''''</big> is {{c|the orphans' mother, who was going to marry me but went for the orphans' dad instead. Oh Beatrice! How I miss your elegant face, the sweet texture of your graceful hand, your kind personality...}} there, I said it!
 
<big>'''''Beatrice'''''</big> is {{c|the orphans' mother, who was going to marry me but went for the orphans' dad instead. Oh Beatrice! How I miss your elegant face, the sweet texture of your graceful hand, your kind personality...}} there, I said it!
   
<big>'''''Mr Poe'''''</big> is an adult. In my books, there are three kinds of adult: the evil adult (eg Olaf), the rare, kind adult (eg Beatrice... oh, Beatrice...), and the stupid moronic retard adult, eg Mr Poe. This is all a reflection of real life, or at least life the way I see it. Mr Poe is an ignorant adult who does not listen to children and prioritises work over them. REPENT! Plus, he ignores the ''Cough-Eeze'' man! Cough-Eeze realy does work! Mr Poe works at <s>Muchtury... Money... Thing</s> a bank, and is responsible for his sister being locked in a basement and beaten to death by a crazy bitch named Geraldine.
+
<big>'''''Mr Poe'''''</big> is an adult. In my books, there are three kinds of adult: the evil adult (e.g. Olaf), the rare, [[Sexy|kind]] adult (e.g. Beatrice... oh, Beatrice...), and the stupid moronic retard adult, e.g. Mr Poe. This is all a reflection of real life, or at least life the way I see it. Mr Poe is an ignorant adult who does not listen to children and prioritises work over them. REPENT! Plus, he ignores the ''Cough-Ease'' man! Cough-Ease really does work! Mr Poe works at <s>Muchtury... Money... Thing</s> a bank, and is responsible for his sister being locked in a basement and beaten to death by a crazy bitch named Geraldine.
   
<big>'''''I'''''</big> am Lemony Snicket. You can read about me [[Lemony Snicket|here]].
+
<big>'''''I'''''</big> am Lemony Snicket. You can read about me [[Lemony Snicket|here]].[[File:Baudelaire orphans.jpg|thumb|right|The Baudelaires as seen in [[A Series of Unfortunate Events#The Miserable Movie/redirect|the film]] *shudder*]]
   
 
== '''The Shocking Sales''' ==
 
== '''The Shocking Sales''' ==
After writing these books, I was shocked to find that they had sold over fifty-five million copies - even more books than hours I have spend crying. This means that fifty five million childeren around the world have had to endure my [[Imagination|research]], and the terible tale of the Baudelaires.
+
After writing these books, I was shocked to find that they had sold over fifty-five million copies - even more books than hours I have spend crying. This means that fifty five million children around the world have had to endure my [[Imagination|research]], and the terrible tale of the Baudelaires.
   
 
=== ''' The Awful Awards''' ===
 
=== ''' The Awful Awards''' ===
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The film, or "movie" as so-called 'hip' people refer to it, used mere [[Actor|actors]] to portray the siblings. Their performances were worse than that of the actors in [[Star Wars (Japanese Opera)|an opera I very recently took an instant dislike to]]. Visual effects were incorporated for [[Sex scene|more complicated scenes]]. Well, the Baudelaires didn't use [[CD-i|CGI]] and visual [[FedEx|effects]]! [[Gahh!]]
 
The film, or "movie" as so-called 'hip' people refer to it, used mere [[Actor|actors]] to portray the siblings. Their performances were worse than that of the actors in [[Star Wars (Japanese Opera)|an opera I very recently took an instant dislike to]]. Visual effects were incorporated for [[Sex scene|more complicated scenes]]. Well, the Baudelaires didn't use [[CD-i|CGI]] and visual [[FedEx|effects]]! [[Gahh!]]
   
You may want to note that I haven't actually seen the film yet, but assumtions are often right, unless you believe that assumtions are often right, in which case assumtions are not often right.
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You may want to note that I haven't actually seen the film yet, but assumptions are often right, unless you believe that assumptions are often right, in which case assumptions are not often right.
   
 
=='''The Surprising See-also Section'''==
 
=='''The Surprising See-also Section'''==
There comes a time where everything, be it book, article or life, has to end. And, quite thankfully, this article's time has come. But before I do finish, and lift this over-dramatic burden from my chest, I must list some articles which may help you understand the complexity of this woeful tale. I would take caution in reading them, as they may well be as safd as this one.
+
There comes a time where everything, be it book, article or life, has to end. And, quite thankfully, this article's time has come. But before I do finish, and lift this over-dramatic burden from my chest, I must list some articles which may help you understand the complexity of this woeful tale. I would take caution in reading them, as they may well be as sad as this one.
   
 
[[Lemony Snicket]]: An article about myself.<br>
 
[[Lemony Snicket]]: An article about myself.<br>
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[[VFD]]: The organisation which I work for.<br>
 
[[VFD]]: The organisation which I work for.<br>
 
[[Lemony Snicket]]: [[Vanity|Me again.]]<br>
 
[[Lemony Snicket]]: [[Vanity|Me again.]]<br>
[[Tragedy]], [[depression]] and [[suicide]]: A few words which are definately related to this article.<br>
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[[Tragedy]], [[depression]] and [[suicide]]: A few words which are definitely related to this article.<br>
[[Fire]]: What the Baudelaire childeren, and I, have had to endure throughout our lives.<br>
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[[Fire]]: What the Baudelaire children, and I, have had to endure throughout our lives.<br>
   
 
=='''The End'''==
 
=='''The End'''==
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[[Category:Pages that look like the things they're about]][[Category:Books]][[Category:Articles caused by authors who smoke crack]][[Category:Articles written in the first person]][[Category:Articles written in the second person]][[Category:Mystery]]
 
[[Category:Pages that look like the things they're about]][[Category:Books]][[Category:Articles caused by authors who smoke crack]][[Category:Articles written in the first person]][[Category:Articles written in the second person]][[Category:Mystery]]
{{PeeReview}}
 

Revision as of 18:17, March 10, 2011

VFDlogo


Wikipedia also has an article about A Series of Unfortunate Events, although I doubt the fact that it is any less depressing than this one.
Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing. I sometimes cry like a baby at night, my erect penis slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to tell you about the story of A Series of Unfortunate Events. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get. Yet the world must know. If you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other article. That way, you would never have to know about the shocking series of unfortunate events documented below.

The Perilous Plot Summary

This particular plot is one of sadness and woe. Its main characters are three sad children who must face burden after burden in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a greedy, evil, despicable person and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. Life, eh?

The three children at the center of the story are Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. You can read more about them in the characters section, although it will fill your heart with depressing-ness and suicidal feelings. The children lived a happy life until one terrible day, they are informed by Mr Poe, a banker, that their parents have been burned to death in a fire that has destroyed their home and all of their belongings, therefore making them orphans. The orphans are then placed into the custody of a so-called relative named Count Olaf. Unfortunately, Count Olaf is evil, and only cares about getting the insanely large Baudelaire fortune that Violet will inherit when she turns eighteen. He tries to marry Violet during a production of a play called Mama Mia. However, Klaus figures out Olaf's evil scheme relatively quickly and the Baudelaires foil Olaf somehow.

Due to the incompetence of Mr Poe, the orphans cannot live with kind next-door neighbour Judge Justice Strauss, who helped them foil Olaf's scheme. So, Mr Poe sends them to live with relatives with distinguishing features, each of whom are killed by Olaf over the course of the next six books. Wanting a change of pace, Olaf frames the orphans for murder in The Vile Village, and they become fugitives. During books eight to ten, the Baudelaires jump over dams, narrowly escape oncoming trains and are shot at.

Then in the last three books, they become caught up in a secret Government conspiracy named VFD. Although it is never revealed what VFD actually is, it is hinted that VFD is dedicated to putting out fires and deleting shitty articles. However, over the course of forever, VFD split into two sides: the good people and the bad people, who start fires and create bad articles. Will anyone die? Yes.

The Barbaric Book List

Here are the thirteen books in the A Series of Unfortunate Events series. Do not read them though.
  • The Bad Beginning This sad story is merely the start of a larger sad story, which is continued throughout a series of twelve other sad stories, which are part of the aforementioned larger sad story.
  • The Reptile Room In which the Baudelaires are almost eaten by a snake.
  • The Wide Window In order to highlight the dark themes of this book, I made someone commit suicide in this story.
  • The Miserable Mill The Baudelaires discover the highs and lows of slave labour.
  • The Austere Academy The Baudelaires go to college.
  • The Ersatz Elevator This book includes the first appearance of Esmé Squarlor.
  • The Vile Village Thinking that they have finally found VFD, the Baudelaires go to a village named VFD, but their hearts are soon broken.
  • The Hostile Hospital The eighth book in this wretched series of unfortunate events.
  • The Carnivorous Carnival After a shocking encounter with some carnies, the Baudelaires are hired by a circus.
  • The Slippery Slope Klaus slips on a floor and has a close encounter with death.
  • The Grim Grotto The Baudelaires visit Santa's Grotto, only to find out that Count Olaf is Santa!
  • The Penultimate Peril This book marks the end of the series being just around the corner.
  • The End This sad story is merely the end of a larger sad story, which was continued throughout a series of twelve other sad stories, which are part of the aforementioned larger sad story.

The Carnivorous Characters

Protagonists

Violet Baudelaire is the eldest of the three Baudelaire orphans and is fourteen years old. She is an inventor and a priest. I respect Violet for being able to strive through the toughness of life without falling, unlike me. She can survive the barbaric wilderness of fate, battle the extreme incompetence of those around her... Oh yeah. Violet became famous on her fifth birthday for inventing the iPad, but Steve Jobs stole the concept and perfected it for worldwide sales in 2010.


Klaus Baudelaire is the bookworm of the group. As Groucho Marx once said:

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.”
~ Groucho Marx on Reading

Klaus reads lots and lots of books, mainly Playboy magazines. He would happily sit in his parents' library, absorbing hundreds of essential facts, and enjoy himself thoroughly, with not a thought about what barbaric things life has in store for him. Klaus comes across a library in every book, and will often sit down and have a relaxing read for a good two hours whilst his siblings are trapped in a life-threatening situation with virtually no means of escape. Klaus wears glasses and is twelve years old.


Sunny Baudelaire is the youngest Baudelaire, just a baby. Ah, infancy. I remember when I was a wee one, being kidnapped by VFD and dropped face first onto solid concrete road. Um, uh, anyway, Sunny bites many things, including cans of weedkiller, sticks of dynamite and male genitalia. In the later books, Sunny expresses an interest in cooking. Sunny often talks in a series of incomprehensible shrieks e.g. reebok, gahh and heil.


The Quagmire Triplets, namely Isadora, Duncan and Quigley are three triplets who suffered similar adventures to the Baudelaires, although I must say, the triplets were more aware of what was happening. The Quagmires parents died in a house that burned their house down, just like the Baudelaires. Quigley, was thought to have died in the fire, but instead he escaped to pursue a life of prostitution, but came crawling back in The Slippery Slope. All three Quagmires have commonplace books tucked into their pockets. They use these to write down useful information. In The Penultimate Peril, it turns out that the Quagmires are the product of a cloning operation held by VFD - so the Quagmires are clones of the Baudelaires.

Antagonists

Count Olaf is despicable. 'Nuff said. See also: arson, evil, murder
Kid picture

Count Olaf as drawn by Brett Helqueist, who illustrates my books. As you can see, he has improved.

Esmé Squarlor used to be the Baudelaire's foster mother. Then she slept with the despicable Count Olaf and adopted Carmetilia Spats. Esmé joined Count Olaf in his scheme for world domination, and she even killed a crow. The bitch!

Carmetilia Spats is a spoiled brat who is adopted by Count Olaf and Esmé Squarlor. Carmetilia is also evil and attempted to stab the orphans during their stay at boarding school in The Austere Academy. Count Olaf hates Carmetilia and manages to poison her in The Penultimate Peril.

Count Olaf's Theatre Troupe includes a hook-handed man, two white faced women, a bald man with a huge nose, a fat transvestite, a wart-faced man, and a few carnies, all of them determined to be evil.

Other

Beatrice is the orphans' mother, who was going to marry me but went for the orphans' dad instead. Oh Beatrice! How I miss your elegant face, the sweet texture of your graceful hand, your kind personality... there, I said it!

Mr Poe is an adult. In my books, there are three kinds of adult: the evil adult (e.g. Olaf), the rare, kind adult (e.g. Beatrice... oh, Beatrice...), and the stupid moronic retard adult, e.g. Mr Poe. This is all a reflection of real life, or at least life the way I see it. Mr Poe is an ignorant adult who does not listen to children and prioritises work over them. REPENT! Plus, he ignores the Cough-Ease man! Cough-Ease really does work! Mr Poe works at Muchtury... Money... Thing a bank, and is responsible for his sister being locked in a basement and beaten to death by a crazy bitch named Geraldine.

I am Lemony Snicket. You can read about me here.
Baudelaire orphans

The Baudelaires as seen in the film *shudder*

The Shocking Sales

After writing these books, I was shocked to find that they had sold over fifty-five million copies - even more books than hours I have spend crying. This means that fifty five million children around the world have had to endure my research, and the terrible tale of the Baudelaires.

The Awful Awards

It seems that my work on the Baudelaires has won multiple awards. What kind of world do we live in, where the tragic recount of the miserable lives of three sad orphans are celebrated? My work shouldn't be awarded, it should be taken seriously, and people must realise that we need to place rich, abused orphans over such unimportant problems as poverty, crime, politics and pollution? Sigh. In my inhuman condition, I do not feel for awards. But this article is not about me, this one is. So I must shut up, which just makes me more depressed, and ramble on.

The Miserable Movie

Olaf Pimp

The Hollywood moguls have turned a gripping real life story into an arrogant farce. Damn their oily hides!

In 2004, Paramount Pictures decided to make a feature film based on the life of the Baudelaires. Unfortunately for everyone who wanted the Baudelaire case to be taken seriously, the film included comedy and a hinted happy ending, which takes out the serious element that real life happens to include. And even worse, Jim Carrey played Count Olaf. Do the Hollywood moguls have no respect at all for rich, lonely orphans?

The film, or "movie" as so-called 'hip' people refer to it, used mere actors to portray the siblings. Their performances were worse than that of the actors in an opera I very recently took an instant dislike to. Visual effects were incorporated for more complicated scenes. Well, the Baudelaires didn't use CGI and visual effects! Gahh!

You may want to note that I haven't actually seen the film yet, but assumptions are often right, unless you believe that assumptions are often right, in which case assumptions are not often right.

The Surprising See-also Section

There comes a time where everything, be it book, article or life, has to end. And, quite thankfully, this article's time has come. But before I do finish, and lift this over-dramatic burden from my chest, I must list some articles which may help you understand the complexity of this woeful tale. I would take caution in reading them, as they may well be as sad as this one.

Lemony Snicket: An article about myself.
Charlie Brown's A Series of Unfortunate Events: A similar series of books.
VFD: The organisation which I work for.
Lemony Snicket: Me again.
Tragedy, depression and suicide: A few words which are definitely related to this article.
Fire: What the Baudelaire children, and I, have had to endure throughout our lives.

The End

Thank God for it.

Sincerely,

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