500 ft tall turd monster
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The 500ft tall turd monster (common name 500ft Turd) is a species of turds that lived during the Pleistocene epoch approximately 600 hundred thousand to 400 hundred thousand years ago. It was one of the last of the Solidica class of giant turds that roamed the earth before the great turd extinction event, which is itself part of the larger Quaternary extinction event. With a large body over 150 metres long (approximately 500ft) it was also the largest of the giant Turds. With it's easily recognisable uniform brown colour and huge girth it is one of the most famous of all Turds. The only complete 500ft Turd fossil was discovered in northern India, however several incomplete remains ahave also been discovered in Burma and Vietnam as well as isolated locations in Indonesia. Despite the fame that the 500ft Turd would bring no cities in these areas have yet nominated themselves to be named "Turd Capital of the World".
It inhabited largely tropical areas with large amounts of plant growth, a necessary requirement for a creature of a significant size. With the extinction the of all forms of Fecal creatures there are no known living relatives. The word 500ft Turd is partly derived from the Imperial measurement system and partly derived from schoolboy slang with 500ft meaning "vague long distance" and Turd meaning "number 2". The name 500ft tall turd monster is a misnomer, as it was incorrectly assumed to walk upright with the upper part of it's body in the air by earlier paleontologists. Later scientific discoveries demonstrated that it was actually a 500ft long turd monster the travelled entirely on the ground. However since a Hollywood studio had already copyrighted the name for the movie "Attack of the 500ft long turd monster" they decided to keep it's original form so as not to infringe upon their copyright and face legal action.
Despite the name most 500ft Turds generally only reached 450ft in length. However a good number of the creatures may have reached 500ft, with some even reaching up to 525ft in length. The creatures were usually between 60 to 80ft in height and an equal 60 to 80ft in diameter. They weighed around 100-200 tonnes (210,000-420,000 lb). The most distinctive feature was the large round body, which could be seen from a significant distance away. Colours generally ranged from a light brown to a darker brown, with some displaying mottled patches. As a member of the Odoria family all 500ft Turds gave off a rather foul smelling stench. This stench differed slightly for each 500ft Turd allowing another 500ft Turd to detect if a different turd was nearby. It also gave forewarning of it's impending arrival allowing other birds and animals to leave the area ahead of the 500ft Turd. Any unfortunate animal that was not able to escape in time would need to spend a significant amount of time ridding themselves of the stench, which would often result in being socially ostracised.
The 500ft Turd retained a solid form although it was liable to ruptures in the skin if it was subjected to dry conditions. This limited it's available habitat to areas of high humidity and rainfall. Similarly to amphibians the 500ft Turd would need to spend a significant amount of time each day bathing in a lake or river to ensure that it's skin did not dry out. The 500ft Turd lacked eyesight, and thus relied upon feeling vibrations in the ground or hitting it's head against the side of a mountain to tell what was in front of it. It possessed a number of smell glands located along the top and side ridges of it's body that allowed it to detect other fecal creatures and flowers. The ability to detect different flower scents was very important to the 500ft Turd as proper knowledge and etiquette in regards to flowers was required to successfully mate.
The 500ft Turd would generally move in a swinging lateral undulation motion in a manner similar to a snake. The turd would flex it's body to the right and left, which result in a series of waves moving through the body. As the waves moving through the turd push against objects on the ground such as trees it generates a reaction force, which then is directed forward and towards the midline of the turd. This results in the forward movement of the turd. The sheer size of the creature would require a significant amount of muscle and effort to get it to move even a small distance. In the event that the creature became stuck in a location such as a canyon it would create significant stress upon the canyon walls often resulting in tearing along the edges. This would be very painful for the canyon if the canyon were capable of feeling pain.
The 500ft Turd is a member of the family of Odoria, an order that includes all foul smelling fecal creatures including the Crapia and Poohia. Some debate has been made over whether the genus of Turdia and Crapia should be merged, as the two share a large number of similar characteristics including a long cyclinder shape, a solid backbone, similar muscle structure, and closely related organic compounds. Despite these claims scientists from the Centre for Fecal Research insist that key differences exist between the turd and crap and thus they maintain a separate taxonomic ranking. Common folk however rarely make the proper scientific distinction and are known to interchange the words Turd and Crap on numerous occasions. Some truly uneducated people have even been known to utter the words "Oh Turd" when they experience an "Oh Crap" moment.
Due to occupying the position of the largest of the giant turds it is the most popular and well known of the giant turd species. The giant turds were a clade of creatures that are similar in appearance and their massive size. Among the closest relatives of the 500ft Turd are the much smaller 100ft Turd and the recently discovered 200ft Turd abomination from southern China. Ayers Rock in Australia is commonly misidentified as a 500ft Turd, it is in fact a rock.
The origins of the 500ft Turd monster have been tracked back to the much smaller 200ft Turd abomination. It is believed to have split off into it's own evolutionary branch approximately 650 thousand years ago. Based of the findings of 500ft Turd monsters and 200ft Turd abominations it is suggested that the origin of these creatures may have evolved in southern India as early as 800 thousand years ago and moved north in a migrationary period. The much earlier genus of shitia is believed to have lived primarily during the middle Pleistocene about 1.2 million years ago. This genus was the forerunner of the stink-based Odoria fecal creatures that eventually evolved into the Turdia, Crapia and Poohia. The 500ft Turd tracks it's earliest legacy back to near the beginning of the Pleistocene 2 million years ago when creatures from the class of Solidica began to experience a large increase in size similar to other megafauna of the time. Early turd monsters (a general name for all monster sized fecal creatures) resembled the current 500ft Turd monster in many aspects but were significantly shorter, the largest of which usally grew to no more than 50ft. Early Turd monsters faced significant competition from their liquid rivals, but thankfully the Turds won out. Life would have been much more difficult for other life forms if they were forced to share their world with a moving tide of piss.
Discoveries and species
The fist discovery of a 500ft Turd was a foot print found in India in the autumn of 1906. It was left by the 500ft Turd as it travelled along a river bed. As the turd travelled it would use the ground as a type of brush to clean off any dirty parts and ensure it maintained a sleek form. As parts of the creature dropped off they created what have been dubbed foot prints. After it had finished digesting it's food it would leave large droppings behind in its wake. Unfortunately its droppings look very similar to it's foot prints. This makes identifying 500ft Turd foot prints and droppings rather difficult. The telltale sign that identified it as a foot print and not a dropping was discovered by a taste test. One of the members of the team who attended the site was forcibly volunteered into rubbing a small amount of the fossil onto his finger and tasting it with his tongue. As the specimen tasted what was described as 'meaty' it was determined to belong to the body of the 500ft Turd monster as it only ate vegetation and thus it's droppings would have tasted 'vegetably'. Thus it was concluded to be a foot print. This hypothesis was backed up via scientific testing using a microscope at the base camp several minutes later. At the time of it's discovery there had not been any turd foot prints of such a size found before. It was suspected to belong a new undiscovered turd, much larger than any known at that time. As there was no verifiable proof that it was a new species there was no decision made at that time. That didn't stop rumours of a "Big Pooh" roaming the jungles from spreading. Within weeks fame and money grubbers were reporting sightings and setting up hoaxes which they used to claim as proof of having witnessed an imaginary creature.
Parts of a 500ft Turd fossil were discovered at the foot of a cliff in Burma 15 years later in 1921. They were initially believed to have belonged to the body of a 250ft Crap, as the parts had broken up upon impact with the ground. However once the fossil had been fully laid out it was clear that even without being a full fossil it easily exceeded any previously known 250ft Crap. The paleontologist who led the team that investigated the find initially named the creature the 500ft tall crap monster. However after a short period of investigation it was decided that the creature appeared to actually belong to the order of Turdia, and thus was renamed the 500ft tall turd monster. The specimen was initially planned to be transported to either the Natural History Museum in London or the National Museum of Natural History in Washington D.C, however the sailors refused to load the specimen onboard their ship when they learned that it belonged to a 500ft Turd. Unfounded bias and discrimination against fecal creatures remains strong amongst the less well educated members of the community.
Only one species of 500ft Tall Turds has been discovered so far. Named 500. Burmaian after the country in which the first true fossils were found. Scientists hypothesise that there was only a single species due to the extinction of the fecal creatures several hundred thousand years ago. As the 500ft Turd evolved only at the end of the so called Age of Feces it was unlikely to have the time required to evolve into different species. Had it been able to do so then the biodiveristy of the world would have been that much richer for it.
The 500ft Turd was a solitary and territorial creature. Since it required a significant amount of food each day it had to defend a large territory up to hundreds of kilometres wide. The 500ft Turd was among the last of the monster Turds to appear and at the time of it's existence may have made up the bulk of all fecal creatures, certainly in mass if not in numbers.
Since 500ft Turds had stringent habitat requirements it was limited in which areas it could occupy. The largest concentrations were found in southern, western and north eastern India. Other areas with high numbers included large tracts of Burma, and smaller areas of Vietnam. Individual fossils have been found in some locations in Malaysia and Indonesia, although this might have just been because they got lost and floated out to sea. It co-existed with other large fecal creatures which it likely needed to compete with in order to maintain an adequate food supply. However some of the smaller fecal creatures propably occupied different feeding niches, such as in mountainous or rocky terrain where less plant growth was to be found. There is evidence of the 30ft Pooh forming a partnership with the 500ft Turd where the 30ft Pooh would clean away any plant matter that got caught around the excess waste disposal exit of the Turd. It is unlikely that the 30ft Poohs would form unions and thus the working conditions for them may not have been up to the standard as expected by modern day toilet paper.
The 500ft Turd was a herbivorous creature, due it's bulk it would usually eat the tree whole and excrete the wood as droppings after it had finished digesting it. It's mouth was located along the bottom of it's body and it would make a really gross slurping sound as it ate. Most other creatures would not have appreciated this sound as it is a really annoying sound and any creature past or present that do it should be punched in the face so they can never make a slurping sound again. It's feeding style resembled the grazing style of modern day krill eating whales. The mouth would suck up anything underneath it as the 500ft Turd travelled along the ground. It would then pass through a secondary inner layer of the Turd with plant and wood matter rising to the top as they are less dense while animals would sink to the bottom. The items at the top would then be transported to the digestive tract while the animals would be transported directly to the anus. Since the 500ft Turd would only defecate once every day any animals unfortunate enough to be sucked up into the turd would usually have to wait for several hours. Then once the animals along with any indigestable plant matter and wood would be deposited in a single dropping. The animal could then proceed to climb their way out of the dropping and find their way to the nearest hops and barley farm to drink the memories away.
As a result of its huge bulk and the forces needed to move it, the 500ft Turd would need to consume several tonnes of plant matter each day in order to keep a healthy sheen. Under normal circumstances deforesting a forest in that manner is highly unsustainable and leads to massive environmental degradation. Fortunately the 500ft Turd didn't work for Gunns Limited, the largest logging company in Australia and biggest producer of wood chips in the southern hemisphere that also practically controls the Tasmanian state government, and so it was able to develop an environmentally sustainable feeding method. As the 500ft Turd moved across the land any seeds that it sucked up from the trees would spend several weeks gestating inside a special section of it's intestine. Then when they had begun to sprout the new plants would be depostited behind the creature. As the 500ft Turd was very nutriet rich, being high in nitrates, its intestine provided the perfect place for gestation of plants. It thus formed a relationship with plants similar to butterflys and flowers. Except it was a turd rather than a butterfly. Furthermore the 500ft Turd would eat heavily for a number of weeks to build up enough energy supplies, and then find a large body of water. It would then go into a dormant for several months like a brown bear in hibernation. This would allow the plants time to begin regrowing. With the total size of it's territory taken into account it would give the new trees years to grow to their full size so that they were fully grown by the time it returned to that place. A big turd half a million years ago was able to develop a more sustainable forestry plan than any the corrupt forestry industry groups today ever could.
Based off the remains of several baby 500ft Turds and random speculation scientists have created some accurate hypotheses as to the nature of 500ft Turd breeding and the raising of their young. Breeding season was every December when the jungle was it most hot and steamy. In the lead up to mating season the males would roll on their backs in order to coat themselves in as many flowers as possible. They would travel as far a field as modern day Afghanistan in order to gain access to the plentiful poppy fields there. Poppys were highly prized for several reasons. Firstly because they helped to block out the smell of the male 500ft Turd, because while you can't smell your own stink you can certainly smell someone else's and that fact doesn't change for 500ft Turds. Secondly the opium from the poppy seeds would seep into the male's skin, and so if they failed to mate at least they got on a drug high. Finally the word poppy sounds very similar to poopy, and 500ft Turds could be surprisingly childish and immature with their sense of humour.
Once a male was ready to begin mating he would travel to the nearest female's territory and search her out from the stench she let off. It wasn't required for the female to disguise her smell with flowers, although if they asked the male what they smelled like then the male was expected to answer positively. Furthermore if the male was planning on going down to the water hole to get some water and asked the female if she wanted some water and the female answered no, the male was expected to know that the female actually meant yes. They were also expected to listen to the female bitching about her day without making any complaints. If the male stuffed up even once then the female would dump him immediately and he would be expected to find another mate and sometime even be forced to watch as the female flirted with another male. However if the female stuffed up even multiple times then the male was expected to forgive her and offer her words of comfort. Interpersonal relationships between males and females have not come all that far since the days of the giant turds.
When a male had finally convinced the female to copulate with him he would move to mount her from behind. The next part has been cut out as it was demeed inappropriate for young readers. Copulation occured between the two turds for several more days, after that the male 500ft Turd would head back to his own territory. He did not expect to receive any further phone calls from the female, although that is because the telephone was not to be invented until several hundred thousand years after their extinction. Once a female had fallen pregnant she would undertake a 3 year gestation period during which a large turd like baby would grow in her uterus. After 3 years the baby would be born. It was a dangerous time for both the baby and mother as the baby could suffocate inside the mother if it was not ejected fast enough. Once born the baby 500ft Turd was usually around 20ft long and weighed 10 tonnes. It would stay with the mother for only a single week before the mother abandoned it the same way that early reptiles and some alcoholics abandoned their young. After that it would leave to find it's own territory, although it might have just been because of the smell.
Several hypotheses are given for the extinction of all the fecal creatures including the 500ft Turd. The most easily dismissable of these was put forward by the Christian Lobby of America which stated that they were removed from the earth by god to make way for man, who would not have appreciated living alongside giant turds. This is easily disproved because if the world is only 7 thousand years old then there is no way a creature that lived 400 thousand years ago could have existed. Ergo there is no way it could have become extinct.
The most common and supported suggestion given for the extinction of the 500ft Turd monster, along with all the other giant fecal creatures approximately 400 thousand years ago has been attributed to global warming. The methane given off by the large numbers of giant Turds, Craps, Poohs, Dungs, Diarrhea, and cows over the years that they lived caused the atmosphere to warm significantly due to the effect of the greenhouse gas. This warming in atmospheric temperature upset the weather conditions of the planet and brought on an ice age similar to the one seen in The Day After Tomorrow. The fecal creatures, being unable to move as effectively in the snow soon died out. After that the world rebalanced itself and the ice around the tropics melted.
The last hypothesis states that the fecal creatures were overhunted to extinction by the only creature that preys upon them. The dung beetle. The different species of dung beetle had been evolving in order to be able to prey upon the increasingly large fecal creatures. The largest one peaked out at approximately 30 metres, about the size of a Diplodicus. Other smaller dung beetles feed upon the smaller species of feces. Biologists suggest that increasing numbers of dung beetles coupled with the low reproduction rates of fecal creatures meant that they were unable to reproduce fast enough to replace their lost numbers. When even a fully grown 500ft Turd was unable to escape from a giant dung beetle it spelled doom for the feces.
Depiction in recent popular media
- A memorial to the 500ft Turd was made in the form of Mr Hankey, the Christmas Poo in the series South Park.
- Another reference to to the 500ft Turd monster was made in another episode of South Park where Randy attempted to break the record for the world's biggest crap. He grew a baby crap inside him in a manner similar to a female 500ft Turd.