This article is about the human sexual act. For skull-fucking in non-human animals, see Bea Arthur.
“A little skull-fucking is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ”
“What did I do to you?!! ”
Skull-fucking refers to a sexual act that takes place when a man and a woman or a man and a man or a man and a goat really love each other and want to share their love in a physical way. Sometimes this means removing the eyeball of one of the two people in the party (often the one without the penis or in the case of two peni, the one with the lower IQ) and inserting the other's engorged member into the socket, rhythmically, over and over again, usually to hardcore music, like Tool (band) or Fugazi. If neither partner can agree on whose eye should be removed, they often draw straws or flip a coin.
Skull-fucking was first documented by the ancient Aztecs on carvings on temple walls. It is believed that after a rather intense battle, warriors would retreat to a special area in the village where they would do a little dance, then make a little love, and get down tonight... inside each other's cranial cavities. It is also said that too much skull-fucking is the main reason their civilization died out. Often, an intense session would lead to an unintended lobotomy, rendering the warrior a retard. This did not bode well for the Aztec army, who was left defenseless against their neighbors, who needed a place to build an in-ground pool, but didn't have room on their property. Fucking neighbors!
Health Risks Edit
As dangerous as this procedure sounds, there are absolutely no health risks. It is completely safe. You have more chance of dying from vaginal fucking than skull fucking.
The Alec Baldwin Incident Edit
"If I had known they were dead, that would've changed everything!"
- ~Alec Baldwin on his court case
Alec Baldwin is remembered mostly for his bizarre story of skull fucking in the early 00's. He was picked up by police on the night of November 4th, 2001. When questioned about what he had been doing, he merely pointed at the nearby graveyard. When police investigated they found fourteen bodies all dug up. six of which had been skull fucked. In court, Alec Baldwin claimed that he had been drugged and told to find the 'magic beans' hidden inside the bodies craniums. When asked why he had to use his penis, he merely shrugged and asked "Wouldn't you?". The court case was dismissed when the corpses had turned out to be deceased members of the Baldwin family. All members of the family defended Baldwin, stating, "He can do what he wants with family!". The only member to speak out against this was Stephen Baldwin.
"I can't believe he didn't use a condom!"
- ~Stephen Baldwin on his brother's court case
Alec Baldwin after the court case, buying chips and dip.
It was reported in an article three weeks later, that this is the number one reason why skull-fucking is a dying art.