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Princess Joan of England was the favourite daughter of King Edward III of England and his wife Queen Philippa of Norway, born in December 16 1333 soon after her siblings Edward the Black Prince (famous for his conquest of France and Castile) and Princess Isabella of England, who was known for the quality of the wines that she produced from her vineyards in Bordeaux. Joan was one of the bravest and deadliest princesses that English history has ever seen.
Born in Windsor Castle in a harsh winter night, Joan grew up to quickly take a liking of horses, swords and battles and power in general. She lived at her own palace somewhere in Surrey, where all servants were terrified of her, and was very skilled in archery and electric guitar. Joan loved to wear violet and blue dresses, inventing ice skates and the sport of ice figure skating when the Thames froze over in the winter of 1338.
Joan had many girlfriends from lesser noble families, sometimes inviting them all to her palace, always to spend the night getting wasted with the wine that her sister Isabella imported from France. It is believed that Joan invented the tetra brik wine in 1340, in order to export cheap wine to the Kingdom of Finnmark in Northern Norway, the Far East and also the Wookies and the Galactic Empire.
Fortunes of War
When the Kingdom of Scotland invaded England in December of 1346 with forces led by William Wallace, the then thirteen-year-old Princess Joan took lead of the English armies, as her father the King was by then busy invading Australia to take over the famous uranium mines there. Joan commanded an English Army of 30000000 troops to Yorkshire where she engaged the Scottish forces that vastly outnumbered hers, after boosting the morale of her troops with a speech in Castilian language that was vaguely similar to this:
"Vamos, valientes ingleses, dejad atrás vuestros temores y defended con la vida vuestra Fe! Siempre hacia adelante! Desenvainad la espada y atacad, atacad! Con el alma encaminada a la victoria o la muerte!"
Even though the English soldiers could not understand her words, trying to figure out whatever she was trying to say, they charged and fought bravely with plasma swords and won the battle for the glory of England and the young Princess.
Joan later joined her father and her brother Edward in the Sea Battle of Sluys against the French in January of 1347, destroying completely the French fleet and claiming a second glorious victory for England.
It seems likely that Princess Joan took part in action when her father invaded Australia again two months later, this time to depose the Kangaroo King, restore the Big Mole Rat to power and secure control of the uranium mines.
Battle of Crécy
When the English Army invaded somewhere in France to fight for the taxes of Isabella's Bordeaux wines in October of 1347, the French rose a great army to stop the invasion. After their strategy of surrender failed they decided to engage the English forces at the forest of Crécy, where Princess Joan led a force of 1000000 English Knights and mercenaries that charged and clashed against the French in the worst part of the battle.
Joan displayed her latest invention in the arts of warcraft, the antimatter bombs that caused great mayhem and death all over the French Army. The French surrendered (again), the wine taxes were paid to England and King Edward was very proud of his daughter.
It is believed that Prince Edward's suit of armour turned black from the searing light caused by the antimatter bombs, which is the most likely origin of his later nickname: The Black Prince.
Joan mysteriously developed the power of throwing fireballs that emerged from her hands, as well as lightning blasts, energy shields, flying at hipersonic speeds and the power to turn anyone that annoyed her into stone statues and chickens!
It could have been that Joan's development of magical powers had a distant relation to the uranium enrichment plant that King Edward built nearby London in May 1336, which also caused the great migration of English dragons to Wales and the consequent devastation in that country.
Travel to Castile
When King Edward decided to take over the Kingdom of Castile, to sell wines there and exploit the rich Castilian reserves of cat fur and pumpkins, he decided that Joan was to be married to Prince Pedro the Cruel of Castile.
Joan then set on her journey with countless ships and a personal guard of ten thousand English archers, sailing first to visit her sister Isabella's castle in Bordeaux. She was already six-foot tall by then, with very long blonde hair and fiery red eyes, and she was greeted by awestruck diplomats and merchants as soon as her fleet docked at the quays in the city.
Bordeaux turned out to be a disgusting French town that smelled of rotten wine and the garlic that they had used to fight off the latest vampire invasion, so Princess Joan decided to take some days to rest in the great Plantagenet Castle overlooking the strait of the Gironde.
A few days after her arrival at her family's castle in Bordeaux, Joan woke up in September 2 of 1348 and walked out of her bedroom to trip over one of her antimatter bombs. She fell all the way downstairs and broke her neck on the final blow, getting instantly killed.
The Entourage that was supposed to escort her all the way in her travel to Castile was petrified to inform King Edward of this, so they blamed the death of the princess on an outbreak of some deadly and unidentified sickness that was devastating Bordeaux by that time, due to the general lack of hygiene of the French population there.
Later that day, the Plantagenet castle went ablaze for unknown and inexplicable reasons, and the body of Princess Joan was lost forever into mystery and legends.
The Mystery Continues
Since Joan's body was never found, some scholars actually believe that she survived the fall downstairs, later becoming an immortal vampire. It is currently believed that she rules the world since 2007 by means of commanding the secret societies worldwide, plotting to soon start a New World Order and bring an Age of Darkness to the world.