“Speed reading is when you read really quickly.”
Speed reading is a method of reading in which the reader tries to take in text very quickly, while still being able to comprehend what is going on in the passage. Not many people are able to speed read with a good amount of comprehension, but there are several ways to train yourself to do this. The first is...
Hey, you! Yeah, you, <insert name here>. What the hell's taking so long? I've reached the bottom of the page already.
Are you serious? How the hell did you do that?
Well, you see, I'm a speed reader. I was born with a rare genetic condition that allows me to excel at reading. In fact, I started to read when I was less than two years old. Ever since then, I've been forever practicing my reading, eager to pick up every book that I see. Soon, I developed the ability to read large amounts of text while still being able to understand everything that went on. In fact, I've read this entire page already, as I stated earlier, and I can summarize the whole thing for you if you like.
Really? So what does it say?
Like... let's see here... well, how should I know the names of every single person who can speed read? Our conversation's starting to get in the way of the actual text anyway. But I'm telling you, I am a really good speed reader. I remember this one time, I read all of War and Peace in, like, a few hours. I'm not even joking right now.
So what happened in War and Peace?
Well, you see... There's a guy and a girl, right? And the guy is named War, and the girl is named Peace. And for a while they try to coexist but it turns out that they can never live together. The whole thing is basically a giant metaphor.
God, I hope he buys that load of bullshit.
Oops... did I just say that out loud? Oh, crap.
I knew it! I knew it was bullshit the whole time.
No, no, you got me all wrong! You see, I was referring to a different load of bullshit. And a different "he." And possibly a different God. Whatever I said, it wasn't about you. Please believe me. I really am a speed reader! Just ask any of my friends! They'll back me up on this!
Do I look stupid to you?
No, I'm not kidding.
Yes, I know.
Wait... what the hell are you doing? Come on, can't we settle this in a civilized manner?
Oh God, please, don't do this! You can have all my possessions! Please, we can work something out!
| You Have Committed Murder|
You, <insert name here>, have killed the author of this article. Granted, he WAS lying to you, but being wanted by the authorities was quite a price to pay to make him shut up. Nice job.