Do you want to love your pathetic self a little more? Or perhaps become a self loving alpha male that gets all the ladies? Or become Kanye West? Then you've come to the exactly right place! Welcome to the How To:Be Narcissistic page of the Howto: series of Uncyclopedia! If you follow my step by step instructions on how to be narcissistic, you too, might be able to master the art of narcissism!
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The first step in becoming a beautiful winner narcissist like me, is to completely love yourself FULLY. This means you absolutely have to love each and every characteristic about yourself. No buts or ifs. You are the best. You are the greatest. You rule. Everybody else sucks donkey dick. If you have trouble loving yourself, here are a few easy, cheap tutorials that you can follow so you can truly love yourself.
Take naked pictures of yourself. Put it on your bedroom wall. If you have fun doing this, it's a success.
If you have Facebook, update your relationship status. Have it say that you are married to yourself. If you are proud of yourself doing this, you sir, love yourself. Congratulations. (Note: If MySpace has a relationship thing, that works too. I don't fucking know, I don't use MySpace!)
Have sex with yourself using a mirror. The larger the mirror, the better, because this way, you will be able to see your whole body. If you have trouble having sex with yourself, first, try masturbating to yourself. If this starts to make you cum, congratulations, you are on the right track. Keep on masturbating to yourself until you can not hold the urge to FUCK YOURSELF HARD IN THE ASS DOGGYSTYLE. Keep on repeating the process until you feel sexually attracted to yourself. If it feels great and is not at all akward, you are absolutely in love with yourself.
The second step you have to take to become a great narcissist like the wonderful me, who has plenty of girls to talk to, is handsome, has lots of talents and has a big dick, and not to mention that I have a big dick, is to talk about yourself CONSTANTLY. In the next section, I, yes, I will tell you the specific things you can talk about that makes you a narcissist. I'm so kind for doing that. I love myself. I can fap to myself allllll night long. I love how my dick hair is trimmed, too. It's trimmed in a star shape. It's cute. I love it. I look at it with a mirror all the time. My doing doing instantly doing daings when I see it, cause it's so sexy. Shit...... I think I wanna jack off with a vibrator dildo stuck in my ass while fantasizing about myself now..... wait a secondfapfapfapfapoh yesfapfapfapright therefapfapfapyeeeeeeeeeeeeeesfapfapfap
Things you can talk about that makes you a narcissist
There are lots of things that you can talk about to glorify yourself. For example, like how I had so much sex during high school with myself that I'm already sick of it. Those days were great. If you're still a high-schooler, try and get as much sex with yourself as me. It's awesome. Also, I'm awesome, since I lost my virginity to myself in my high-school years. I'm so sexy. In fact, no one's as pretty and sexy as me. Only if there was a way to marry myself............. *sigh*
Here's a list of what I talk about with my friends as a narcissist. Imitate me, and become an instant narcissist. You can thank me later with cash.
- How I am so handsome, girls wet their pussa when they see me. Jealous?
- How my gigantic dick is so glorious, girls have a sea of love juice in their pussa when they see my dick. You sir, are definately jealous. Because I am so much better than you.
- How my beautiful dick hair is so sexy, girls have a rainstorm in their pussa when they see my dick hair. You are definately jealous of my awesomeness. I can tell.
- How I am so, SO sexy, ants fall in love with the glorious, the one and only one ME, and their fulid is completly green.
- How I am too sexy for my love.
- How I am too sexy for my shirt.
- How I am so sexy that it hurts.
- How I am too sexy for Milan
- New York,
- and Japan.
These are just my greatest examples. Feel free to make up more narcissistic statements if you want to. The trick here is to tell these statements with a slight feeling and gesture of looking down at the person when you are talking to them, because it genuinely tells them that you like yourself, not them.