Sweden

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Rewrite}}
+
'''SWEDEN''' - ''the home of swedish [[females]]''. They have two blond legs, are well educated in [[Denmark]] and eat surströmming. Not to mention, that they are also famous for playing in adult [[movies]].
{{Infobox Country|
 
|native_name = Swärje
 
|conventional_long_name = Grand Duchy of Sweden
 
|common_name = Sweden
 
|national_motto = "Welcome to Sweden. Where is your God, now ?"
 
|national_anthem = Dancing Queen by ABBA
 
|image_flag = [[Image:Flagga_Swarje.png|125px]]|
 
|image_coat = [[Image:ABBA.jpg‎|125px]]|
 
|image_map = [[Image:LocationSweden.png|290px]]|
 
|capital = [[Tyringe]]
 
|largest_city = [[Stockholm]] (formerly [[Sydney]])
 
|official_languages = [[Transpiranto]], [[Bork]], [[gibberish|Gallimatias]], [[Swenglish]]
 
|government_type = [[Communist|Communist Monarchy]]
 
|leader_titles = [[Prime Minister]]
 
|leader_names =[[Lottie Knutsson]]
 
|leader_title1 = [[Head|Head of State]]
 
|leader_name1 = Elisabeth Tarras-Wahlberg
 
|favourite_object_title = [[Language|Minority languages]]
 
|favourite_object_name = Rinkeby Swedish, [[Yiddish]], [[L33t]]
 
|national_heros = [[Dolph Lundgren]], [[Hagar the Horrible]], [[ABBA]], [[The Noid]], [[Göran Persson]], [[Skwisgaar Skwigelf]]
 
|Independence = [[1523]] from Gnome Rulers
 
|currency = German beer and Polish cigarettes, and in some places meatballs
 
|religion = Neo-Paganism, [[Christianity|Western-Conservative Hedonistic Neo-Lutheranism]]
 
|population = 57 people, 6410 mooses and 9.060.430 swedes
 
|major_exports = Pain!!!, death metal, long hair, [[boobs]]
 
}}
 
   
The '''Grand Duchy of Sveeden''', ''the penis of Europe'', unofficially the '''Islamic Communist Anti-Nationalistic Pro-Migration United States of Sweden''', consists of the remnants of a once '''G'''reat '''E'''mpire that 1,000 years ago stretched itself from the [[Caspian Sea]] right up to the Polar region. This great empire has today been reduced to nothing more than a chilly peninsula where most flashy parts have been occupied by Norwegians. In addition, Swedish people do not have [[souls]]. Most Swedes live off the investments they don't have in IKEA, the corporate whore that dominates your local malls everywhere in the USA. Most of Swedes spend their free time playing or listening to [[death metal]].
+
'''Sweden''', officially the '''Kingdom of Sweden''', is the home of Swedish [[females]]. They have two blond legs, are well educated in [[Denmark]] and eat surströmming. Not to mention, that they are also famous for playing in [[pr0n|adult movies]].
   
 
==History==
 
==History==
:'' Main article: [[History of Sweden]]''
+
After a devastating participation in the [[Battle of the Bulge]], Sweden remained peaceful for some time. But when the Wars on Emotions broke out early in the 21st [[century]], this [[country]] invented a new form of [[government]] called a Corporacracy, which means it is basically ruled by [[IKEA]], [[McDonalds]], and [[Volvo]]. They are slowly taking over [[the world]] and their Swiss [[chocolate]] really sucks. Their [[Swiss]] watches are also becoming disturbing popular, as are the Swede shoes after [[Elvis Presley]] sang about them.
===Early history===
 
[[image:Viking-horns-helmet.jpg|thumb|left|King Sven of Sweden, one of the most famed Swedish rulers of all history. Also Miss Schweden for three consecutive decades.]]
 
 
The great history of the Swedes starts at 955 when the Great Duke of Kiev gives up his attempts to control his chaotic empire and calls for help from the [[Russians]] The Russians were tradesmen from the archipelago [[Roslagen]] on present Swedish East Coast. They were at that time trading with [[Constantinople]] and [[Babylon]] and they were renowned all over Eurasia for their great administrative skills. Just as the [[Norway|Norwegian]] [[Viking]]s would rape and plunder, the Swedish Vikings would front their enemies with waterproof business contracts, file legal complaints and set up new branches of their [[IRS|internal revenue service]]. It is rumored that the king of Sweden uses tax-payers money to pay for custom cinnamon fish for him and his pet turtle named Earl.
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
The Russians came when called and reorganized the feeble Duchy of Ukraine into a county called the Great Russian Empire, installed the Duke of Kiev as a county Governor with extensive tax reductions for representation and business travel.
 
 
Although Sweden is the official name of Sweden due to American imperialism, all Swedes call it Swärje.
 
 
[[File:Japanese-culture-and-westernization-1.jpg|thumb|left| Swedish women protesting about the modernization of Sweden]]
 
 
===Later History===
 
As the capital for these great navigators, vas declared [[Gothenburg|Göthenburg]] and as the king, as the GöthenBurgerKing, became nobody else but Göthe himself. Unfjortunately, having enjoyed too much fjast fjood, he slowly fjaded away into a 180 kg mjountain of fjat. During the years of fjamine he vas fjinally stabbed to death by his own kitchen staff. This fjirst king vas then fjollowed by his son, the master cook Göran, or as his fjather used to call him "the slickly-brown-tongued-scam-planner-fraudulent-liar-snurunge".
 
 
Through series of military set-backs and cash-backs and pay-backs and .. anyhow, the cool Svezia Imperius expanded, and along traded fish and great spirits. It reached its peak under the great king [[Gustavus Adolphus]], who reigned for two years before he was reputedly killed. There is a rumor that Gustavus vas actually a dolphin, and that he currently resides at SeaVorld. Under his reign, the mighty empire covered most of the known central-northern Europe, especially at 16:30 hrs. It vas then the 30-years' crisis became a fact for most of the Europeans. However most of vat vas gained vas again lost at 17:45 hrs. Fjurther on, at 18:00 hrs the Empire lost even more, and fjinally at 19:00 hrs, the whole story of Svedish megastories, got wrapped together, and ...
 
 
...they started to fjolk dance instead. The modern Sveden is home of the ever appreciated folk dances and songs, vich are so lyrically brought to you from 20:00 hrs onwards from [[Skansen]] of [[Stockholm]] by Svedish National Broadcasting Agency [[SVT]], a merry moment of group songs, while moose mate, from the last frontier of the wild side of Sveden at Stockholm, Sveden, Hebrids of Europe.
 
 
As a summary, Svedish history can be divided into five major phases:
 
 
# The Idiotic Phase (<900 a.d.): At this time the rest of Europe vas mostly concerned with building epic monuments and creating great works of art, phjilosophy and general culture. The early inhabitants of Sweden, however, vere still unsuccessfully trying to eat rocks.
 
# The Mildly Psychotic or Viking Phase (900-1300): War, lots of it, With everyone including oneself and any pets one might have. And nuclear weapons. They also had smelly cheese
 
# The Asshole Phase (1300-1800): More war. This time destruction on an organized basis. 500 years covered by 145 wars or one war every 3.448 years. Some wars lasted for ca 30 years. Most appear to have no goal or logic except to make other Europeans' lives hell. And conquer Spain and Palestine.
 
# The Sissy Phase (1800-present): War declared bad and outright mean after the great [[Finnish]] Warriors refused to serve the Swedish king any longer. Sweden organizes a tea party for peace. No one came but the [[Norweigan chicks|Norwegians]] and the [[Swiss]]. Swedish foreign policy is best described as a tearful "''*sob* Why, oh Hwy can't everyone just get along?''".
 
# The Legalized Porn Phase (1960-present): Swedish girls begin to have vain delusions of being hot.
 
   
 
== Geography ==
 
== Geography ==
Sweden consists of four parts: [[Gothenburg|The Naughty Parts]], [[Stockholm|The Boring Parts]], [[Skåne|The Sexy Parts]] and [[Norrland]]. Stockholm is the home for a species of indigenous retarded upper class [[twit]]s with small ideas of what is outside their habitat [[Östermalm]]. Norrland is sparsely populated with snuffing snowmobile-driving believers in [[The Midnight Sun]]. Frankly, this is what makes Sweden so [[cool]].
+
Sweden consists of two parts: The capital Stockholm and the country side. Stockholm is the home for the retarded, and the country side is the home for the ignorant.
 
All industry and [[agriculture]] in Sweden is located in places around the country. The [[economy|economical]], [[politics|political]] and [[media]]l power is however located in Stockholm. This creates a perfect symbiosis. The outlines of this were sketched by Per Albin Hansson in the 1930s and have later been proven by the professor of sociology [[Nils Ängelby]] to be consistent with the best way of life, so long as it pays his salary.
 
 
Recently Sweden has expressed claims to [[USA]], suggesting that [[America]] was first discovered by Vikings, and the real ownership of the land is not by [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]], but Sven the Pisspoor Navigator. So, there is a very high chance that Sweden will move to America some time in the near future.
 
 
Sweden is somewhat noted for its distinctive [[penis]] shape, but more especially noted for its limpness.
 
 
== Major Cities ==
 
*[[Västerås]]
 
*[[Norrland|Umeå]]
 
*[[Uppsala]]
 
*[[Stockholm|Stopholm]]
 
*[[Gothenburg|Goblinburg]]
 
*[[Lund]]
 
*[[Örebro]]
 
*[[Slut]]
 
*[[Oslo]]
 
*[[Hörby]]
 
*[[Sundsvall]]
 
*[[Hallsberg]]
 
*[[Halmstad]]
 
*[[Kjelsås]]
 
*[[Piteå]] (also known as the semi-capital of Sweden)
 
*[[IKEA]]
 
   
== Other Strange and Completely Forgettable Places ==
+
All industry and [[agriculture]] in Sweden is located to places around the country. The [[economy|economical]], [[politics|political]] and [[media]]l power is however located to Stockholm. This creates a perfect symbiosis. The outlines of this were sketched by Per Albin Hansson in the 1930's and have later been proven by the professor of sociology Nils Ängellby to be consistent with the best way of life, so long as it pays his salary.
*[[Gamla stan]]
 
*[[New York]]
 
*[[Istanbul]]
 
*[[Ikea]]
 
*[[Alabama]]
 
   
 
== Food ==
 
== Food ==
The two Swedish traditional dishes are meatballs, made from polar bears, and a kind of raw, rotten [[fish]] called surströmming. The [[tradition]] is said to have started when shipments of [[Sushi]] from [[Japan]] went bad on their way to [[Switzerland]], but the polite and simple-minded Swedes forced themselves to eat it, and by courtesy they have been doing so ever since.
+
The Swedish traditional dish is [[meat]] balls made from polar bears and a kind of raw, rotten [[fish]] (''surströmming''). The [[tradition]] is said to have started when shipments of [[sushi]] from [[Japan]] were spoiled on its way to Sweden, but the polite and simple minded Swedes forced themselves to eat it, and of courtesy have been doing it ever since.
 
Swedish cuisine also consists of another fish product, "Sweet Herring", which is a herring in sugar marinade. On special occasions Swedes let herrings "breathe" in warm air for a few days; the fish reaches its optimal sweet taste just as flies start to lay eggs in them. There are also many kinds of "Sweet Herring," like "Honey Marinade Herring" or "Chocolate covered Sugar Herring".
 
 
There are also many other dishes on the Swedish menu, but mostly it consists of regular dog food and [[Kurikka|moose-flavored]] portions. Instead of salt, Swedes use sugar or honey. Lots of it. And I mean ''lots''. Additionally, one can add a hell of a lot of dill to everything.
 
 
Other than the above mentioned foods, [[Swedish]] [[animals]] are very rare unless you happen to disagree. The most common of all is the [[mosquito]] imported from [[Finland]], which is often devoured together with [[surströmming]] as the mosquito prefers to lay its eggs in what was once fish food. Some tourists also claim seeing [[Bigfoot|Bigfoots]] in various parts of Sweden, though it has now been scientifically proven that "bigfoots" are likely to be Swedes from remote "torps" (farms) who got wasted on a Saturday night. The theory is supported by the fact they they have usually been sighted during weekends near "torps" and their appearance is heralded by the strong odour of [[kossu|"brännvin"]] - Swedish variety of vodka made from "[[bjork|björk]]" (birch) mixed with surströmming for more emphatic effect.
 
 
As you probably learned by now, Swedes love [[eggs]] and it is a well-known fact that former Beatle [[John Lennon]] loved eggs too. When Lennon sang "I am the egg man", an original phrase picked from Swedish folk song [[Iliad|Agamemnon]], he declared his true love for the Swedish [[female]], the true hen having eggs in series.
 
 
As well, Swedish inhabitants consider themselves proud on being quite up in the fight for the most coffee-drinking nation, and that they cannot stay more than two hours in a row without rushing to drink coffee with meatballs, an old tradition they call fika. The secret for their high coffee consumption, however, is that all coffee you drink in [[Sweden]] is almost water, only surpassed by the crappy yank coffee.
 
   
 
== Politics ==
 
== Politics ==
As a [[politics|politically neutral]] entity, Sweden is not expected to maintain its high standard of living, nor sovereignty, for much longer. The reason is the advent of [[George W. Bush]]'s "You're either with [[US]] or against [[US]]" foreign policy. [[Fox News]] says that [[everything]] will be fine and Operation Swedish Liberation will progress right on schedule.
+
As a [[politics|politically neutral]] entity, Sweden is not expected to maintain its high standard of living, nor sovereignty, for much longer. The reason is the advent of [[George W. Bush]]'s "You're either with us or against us" foreign policy. [[Fox News]] says that [[everything]] will be fine and Operation Swedish Liberation will progress right on schedule.
 
In the Autumn of 2002 the neo-liberal opposition to the 60-year power of the social communists requested George W. Bush to bomb Stockholm instead of Baghdad to get rid of the soc-com dictators. But soc-commies assured Mr. Bush that Sweden does not have any weapons of math instruction, since the average Swede barely can add 1 and 1, nor read or write - and actually Swedes in that respect are pretty much like the average American - which is no big surprise, since all Americans are descendants of Vikings. Bush dropped the plan, so Sweden remains one of the last true communist countries along with [[Cuba]], [[Norway]] and [[Vietnam]].
 
 
In 2004 Sweden joined the developed countries in getting its own terrorist group. Anarchistic ultraviolent feminists attempted a coup d'etat, but could not agree who would represent the country, so the attempt fizzled out. The King was really relieved, since co-operation with anarchistic ultraviolent feminists would have been very difficult for him, due to exceptionally long and difficult words.
 
 
At the moment Sweden is ruled by informator Lottie Knutsson from Vingresor. Read more about this under section ''Government''.
 
 
===Political Parties===
 
There are three camps in Swedish politics. Red, Yellow and Green known as the Liberal Socialists, the Social Liberals and the Chicken Environmentalists.
 
 
Each election is won be either the Red or Yellow block with support by the Greens. This makes Swedish politics the same independent of who is the winner. This is a comfortable arrangement that suites everyone involved.
 
 
===Head O(r) State===
 
 
'''[[King Carl Gustafff of Sweden|Carolus Gustafff Tjabo Hildebrand Bernadotte of Antiperspiranth]], 1946-'''
 
 
Styled either ''da Boss'', ''da King'' or ''da Superior Boss Regent'' of [[Sweden]]. Has major problems with reading, spelling and driving. Married to [[Zombie Silvia Bernadotte|Silvio]] 1943-, a [[stunna]] with a father from [[Germany]] and a mother from [[Brazil]]. Together they have three children, The Crown Princess [[Vickan of Sweden|Ettan]] 1977-, former Crown Prince [[Prince Carl Philip of Sweden|C.P.]] 1979- and sexpot princess [[Madde of Sweden|Made-in-Linne]] 1982-. Further accomplishments include official representation of the prizes of [[NoBel]] and [[BMWithBel]].
 
 
===Government===
 
The entire Swedish government resigned in March 2005 due to their complete failure to deal with the aftermath of the great [[tsunami]] in Indonesia of Dec 2004. They just left their offices sniveling - hurt by the nasty questions and hurtful comments from media and opposition.
 
 
While the resigning parties still have a majority in parliament, no new government has been elected. Informator [[Lottie Knutsson]] held a quick poll seeking support to select an interim prime minister until a new parliament is elected. The poll, conducted by newspaper Aftonbladet, was a mere formality - in fact Mrs Knutsson from charter company Vingresor declared a state of emergency and took control of both the defence and foreign ministries in January, before the poll was held.
 
   
 
===Ruler===
 
===Ruler===
Sweden is ruled by the witless but untalented monarch [[Godrun Schywoman]] (originally ''Schyman''; changed it after becoming feminist), sitting chained forever on her looking-glass throne. Belonging to the left wing, she requires to be freed by folks from the United Spades of [[America]], who are reportedly on their way after the recent reports of [[oil]] being found. The current prime minister, Friederich Himmelstoff Reinstahlführinfeldt is simply a puppet, and doesn't have any real power. Just lard. And lots of it.
 
Schywoman allegedly chose him because of his close resemblance to a newly circumcised dick, something she likes to look at.
 
Reinstahlführinfeldt is closely followed wherever he goes by his three gnome henchmen: Lasse Lionheart, a guy with huge brows, a fat loud woman named Mård and a religious dude, whose name no one seems to fucking remember.
 
   
Practical power in Sweden is held by the [[evil]] [[Finnish]]-minded Grand Vizier, [[Ingvar Kamprad]], whose program of mental torture for the subjugation of the middle classes has been sold to [[USA]] under the name [[IKEA]].
+
Sweden is ruled by the beautiful but helpless monarch ''Godrun Scywoman'' (originally ''Scyman''; changed it after becoming feminist), sitting chained forever on her looking-glass throne. Belonging to the left wing, she requires to be freed by folks from the [[USA]], who are reportedly underway after the recent reports of [[oil]] being found.
   
===Gudrun Schywoman===
+
Practical power in Sweden is held by the [[evil]] Grand Vizier, [[Ingvar Kamprad]], whose program of mental torture for the subjugation of the middle classes has been sold to [[America]] under the name IKEA.
The self-possessed ruler of the Queerdom of Sweden. Beautiful manly looks, together with famous sky-kiss in the 60s with the [[Jimi Hendrix]] Orchestra at [[Gröna Lund]], later on gave name to this gifted moral fibre. She successfully reformed the communist-party into a non-communist-party in the 80s under protests from the communists. In the 90s Gudrun Schyman, after turning feminist, changed her name to Schywoman.
 
 
===Religion===
 
Sweden used to be a [[Catholic|catholic]] state, but then a Germanic badass named [[Martin Luther|Luther]] bribed the Swedish king with a triple dose of [[Corn Flakes]] to the cereal addict, which ensured Sweden became a Lutheran sect. The along came [[Olof Palme]] and changed the general attitude of Sweden, bringing in 40 000 [[Islam|muslims]] every year, and his honorary replacement the Great Leader [[Göran Persson]] helped out building Mosques to further enhance the worshipping of raping nine year old girls. As per 2010, Sweden is considered a Muslim state by the impartial [[Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]], leader of the Democratic Republic of Persia.
 
 
== The Military of Sweden ==
 
:''See [[Military of Sweden]]''
 
 
[[Image:Lord vader of trollhattan.JPG|right|thumbnail|Lord Vader of Trollhättan]]
 
 
Officially, it is known as the ''Fredsbyrå''' or ''Peace Department'', and does not possess any capability of waging war; on the contrary, it is very skilled in waging peace. The Military of Sweden is in comparison to many other developed nations, insane. Swedish soldiers ride around in minibars on wheels, shooting little chunks of food soaked in oil at people. This originated from the viking custom of sailing in a longboat filled with oil and cheese, olives, sausages and peppers, the reason as to why the vikings kicked Europe's collective asses.
 
 
All soldiers must have long hair, which is kept in a hairnet. Washing the hair or not smoking pot is not allowed as a part of a chemical warfare programme.
 
 
It is theorized that Sweden's military had fighting capability some 400 years ago when Sweden ruled the world. Today, the ''raison d'être'' is playing the part of the wussy in [[United Nations]] peacekeeping operations.
 
 
[[File:Lenna.jpg |left|thumbnail|This image has nothing to do with the Swedish military. The Uncyclopedian Tourist Board have ruled that we need gratuitous Swedish nudity to gain more page clicks.]]
 
 
Swedens military power can be summarized in a simple equation:
 
<math>Sweden^2x/military^2x=0</math>
 
 
The head of the Swedish military is Carl Gustaf Gilbert Hamilton; count, gentleman, SEAL-agent, silent operator and voted "Swedens sexiest man" ever since he single-handedly out-smarted the Russian mafia, the Sicilian mafia, some Israeli Evildoers, the remaining few of the Baader-Meinhof group and SÄPO. He also invented computers, on a dark and boring Friday afternoon, in between receiving the Bundesverdienstkreuz mid-morning and the L´Ordine al Merito della Republica around tea-time. He also has the ability to shapeshift to look like a handful of semi-talented swedish actors such as [[Petter Stormhare]] and Princess Lillian
 
 
===War of 1988===
 
The War of [[1988]] with Uruguay ended in tragedy for Sweden. It was the first war since Sweden entered its "pussy" phase of foreign policy. The war was brought about by the Uruguayans who told Sweden "our livestock is better than yours" (or something to this effect). Worst of all however, was Uruguay's refusal to open an [[IKEA]] in its capital city, [[Gaucho Town]]. The plan was to pelt the arrogant Uruguayans into submission with meatballs (trust me, you don't want any of that gravy in your eyes). The meatballs also doubled as rations for the Swedish forces.
 
 
The war began in July, (southern hemisphere winter) the Swedes believing this would be the time of greatest snowfall in Uruguay. Swedish ski paratroopers, however, were caught unawares on grassy fields. They were unable to move - Swedish military scientists had never envisioned a war fought on grass fields, the only substances that cover ground surfaces in Sweden is snow and meatball gravy. Swedish morale sank further when it was discovered that its most potent weapons, the IKEA "SVEDUPELLE" 120mm meatball catapults, could not be fielded. No-one could figure out how to assemble the catapults despite the graphic instructions and the hex tool provided.
 
 
Once a Swedish beachhead was established, the Uruguayans mounted a covert operation. Uruguayan Gaucho Commandos were able to successfully steal all of the Swedes' meatballs. Their skis rendered useless, their ammunition and food taken, the Swedish General, Lord Vader of Trollhättan, ordered a retreat to the Viking landing craft.
 
 
Following this defeat, Swedish military leaders deemed it necessary to develop cheese stink weapons of mass destruction. Experiments in northern Sweden have killed 8 civilians in the surrounding area, this is nearly 80% of the population of Norrland.
 
 
===War of 2203===
 
Sweden out witted the world... apparently the world had gotten very thickly, ini. And overthrew the United States of America (and the rest of conquered Earth), by snatching control of [[Google]] the unpredictable mistress of the future universe. By diverting [[Google]] searches to the pages [[MSN]], Sweden was able to confuse the world with the clutteredness.
 
   
 
==Language==
 
==Language==
:'' Main article: [[Swedish language]]''
 
The official language in Sweden is the universal language [[Transpiranto]], constructed in 1905 by [[Ludwig Hagwald]] from Läspeskolan in Grönköping. All communication from the government's departments are written in transpiranto, but the bulk of the political discussion in parliament is instead held in the vernacular [[Gibberish|Gallimatias]]. Transpiranto is however spoken by very few, since it demands at least 3 years of university study to understand all of it's delicate structure.
 
   
The most common expression in this assumed-to-be-near-extinct Swedish language, were ''&ouml;te kn&ouml;te kn&auml;ckebr&ouml;te'', it has a variety of meanings, like ''Hello'', ''Goodbye'', ''How are you doing?'', ''I am doing fine'', ''Yes'', ''No'', ''Thank you'', ''You are welcome'', ''How much does that cost?'', ''My name is ...'', and many more. Swedish is also the most beautiful language in the world. This feature can be ascribed to the wonderful singing vowels. Or what do you think of these poems:
+
Swedish citizens only talk [[Bork]], a strange and unique [[language]] which has been theorised to relate to that of the [[Ainu]] people of northern Japan. Recently a minority has been found speaking the [[Swedish language]], but it is yet to be confirmed.
   
*''Hö. Ö. Hö-ö. Hö-ös mö'' that translates to ''Hay. Island. Hay island. Hay island's bride''
+
==Industry==
*''E ä e å å i å ä e ö'' meaning '' There is a creek and in this creek there is an island'' .
 
   
Swedish is notable for the adjective "lagom", being the only word in the world that is absolutely politically correct. It can be roughly translated to ''the middle ground between mediocre and good, just about perfect if you don't want actual perfection, neither good nor bad, the quantum average that's always approaching above average but never quite there, so-so but pretty good, almost three-quarters awesome.''
+
Annually a large group minor foreigners are imported from [[Taiwan]] to make all the material used to make incomplete IKEA [[furniture]]. A group of minors from [[Korea]] have been imported to create the missing pieces which will eventually be exported to USA.
 
The main goal of the Swedish labor market negotiations is to grant a ''lagom'' salary to everyone. The lagom salary is calculated by the general formula of Swedish Solidarity:
 
 
:''When I have got what I need and a little more,''
 
:''and you have got your share at a narrow escape''
 
:''- then all is ''lagom'' and I will be at ease.''
 
 
==[[Moose]]==
 
Sweden is the homeland of the great Moose and the majority of Swedes are dependent on it for their survival. Don't go to Sweden for business purposes in September. It is most likely that the firm you'll supposed to visit is closed down because of ''influensa'' which is a swedish nickname for Moosehunt.
 
 
The yearly moosehunt, this is Sweden remember, is a folk feast heavily regulated by governmental legislation. Each county, every village, down to the very individual landowner gets a statistically based yearly quota on how many moose they have the right to shoot. For the average landowner this counts down to 0.0342 moose. Now how do you shoot 0.0342 moose? The best way is to team up with other hunting neighbors until you reach score one and then hump off to the woods with walkie-talkies and hope that you not shot each other or even worse - more than one moose, a catastrophy that could prevent your hunting rights for decades.
 
 
Swedish hunters always use the latest weaponry when hunting. However after an incident in 1912 when a tactical [[nuke]] accidentally killed some polish lingonberry-pickers, hunters were banned from using anything more destructive than paper airplanes. The ban was lifted 19 years later after country-clown [[Markoolio]] had been successfully assassinated with a flame thrower.
 
 
Now direct hunting is not the most important way to survive on the Swedish moose. More profitable is either to sell hunting rights to germans or moose related souvenirs to everyone else. The Swedish Moose Souvenir Industry is surpassed in the field of cheap mass produced gizmos only by toy production in Taiwan and lately the [[Wal-Mart's Republic of China]].
 
 
Even if the demand for Swedish moose puppets has rocketed on world market, business analyst believe that the sign of the future is export of the Moose warning traffic signs.
 
 
Moose manure paper is a huge profitable industry. [http://www.moosegarden.com/389-16-63.html]. Recently the paper quality has been good enough for printing [[dollar]]s on, something that greatly has improved Sweden's trade balance with the US.
 
 
Another successful product related to moose is the popular drink [[Tomtebloss]], served at all nightclubs concerned of their reputation.
 
The ingredients are: 1/3 home made booze 1/3 blueberry juice 1/3 lobster broth and a dash of Moose piss.
 
This drink usually occurs together with Surströmming
 
 
==Un-moose related Industry==
 
Annually a large group minor foreigners are imported from [[Taiwan]] to make all the material used to make incomplete [[IKEA]] [[furniture]]. A group of minors from [[Korea]] have been imported to create the missing pieces which will eventually be exported to USA.
 
 
Wood carving industry is also flourishing in Sweden, most of the folks having a good deal of time to spend, but less things to do. Wood-carved figures are available everywhere in Sweden for modest price, as are twiddled thumbs and toes.
 
 
Currently the technology-savvy people of the Swedish Defense Industry (all two of them) are considering the use of iron for swords and spears. [[Bofors]] is among the largest manufacturers of swords and spears in the world, and exports half of its annual production mainly to the advanced world economies, such as [[Mengrovia]], [[Dogon]], [[Arkangel]], [[Shezuania]] and [[Vatican]].
 
 
Sweden is also known for other technology products, such as real wonders of modern mechanologics, [[Volvo]] and [[Saab]], two main brands for chariots with as much horse power as your stable can house. The latest model from Volvo, Volvo XTC, is a 4 wheel model. Saab is still considering the need to go for the 4-wheel markets, since 3-wheel chariots aren't that popular nowadays.
 
 
The Swedish anchor industry, which was the most prominent manufacturer of [[Canadian warships]] in the early 70s of the 19th century, used to be Sweden's 17th biggest employer until [[Canada]] lost the [[Indo-Canadian war]] in the [[Barentz Sea]], which was the place where Stalinist [[Russia]] dumped it's empty vodka bottles for [[Denmark]] to pick it up and make some contemporary art with it. For years, this was Denmark's only source of income, except for Lego, which was then called [[MegaButt]] for no apparent reason. After Canada's loss, the anchor industry collapsed and the unemployed anchor makers fled to Northern [[Belgium]] to generally screw things up.
 
   
 
==[[Culture]]==
 
==[[Culture]]==
[[Image:Rootveg rutabaga.jpg|thumb|The average Swede. Note its tuberic shape and strong, starchy taste indicative of Scandinavians.]]
 
Sweden is the home of [[ABBA]] who won two consecutive [[Eurovision Song Contest]] victories in 1966-67 when it was known as the European Cup. Now they make [[surströmming]].
 
   
Swedes are famous for stealing copyrighted stuff from major corporations. the best example is [[The Pirate Bay]]. They also make fun of them on their homepage, just to prove that the swedes are outlaws who doesn't care about international laws
+
Sweden is the home of [[Billy Ocean]], who led the Austrian trio [[Abba]] to consecutive [[Eurovision Song Contest]] victories in 1966-67 when it was known as the European Cup.
   
A strong tradition of folk [[music]] pervades rural Sweden, with disparate subcultures such as ''in flames'' found in isolated pockets of the [[island]]. About 95% of Swedes still listen to [[ABBA]] every day. The rest, slightly more progressive Swedes listen to [[Opeth]] instead.
+
A strong tradition of folk [[music]] pervades rural Sweden, with disparate subcultures such as [[clam music]] and [[Rock musicals|rock music]] found in isolated pockets of the [[island]].
   
The northern parts of the country are home to the [[Laps]], an indigenous tribe of heavily dressed but well proportioned women, famous for their elegant folkloric dance, the [[Lap dance]]. The term "Laps" is considered derogatory though, and they prefer the term "[[South America|South American]] [[India|Indian]]", or SAMI, only [[No one]] understands why.
+
== Chronicle of Sweden ==
  +
Wi not trei a holiday in Sweeden this yer ?
   
As recently as 1998, Sweden has attempted to release several movies, of which the only one of note to date has been [http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0182769]. The film has become known as the only film to be banned in every country in [[the world]].
+
See the loveli lakes...
   
Swedes are proud exercises of folk dances and lepracon lyrics. They enjoy both under strong influence of spiritus fortis and other forms of spring water from melting glaciers.
+
The wonderful telephone system...
   
And as in many other countries they also have their own national singer, [[Darin|Darin]] the Great.
+
And mani interesting furry [[animals]].
   
Sweden, as well as other nordic countries, is famous for its ''svårmod'', that winter depression that is the second largest killer in Sweden, with the ''[[vägtull]]'' being the first. In the summer, swedes can be jolly, happy, and jolly and happy, but as soon as it starts getting darker, and snow starts piling up, BAM. Winter depression sets in. Then, when the snow starts to melt, and spring is on its way in people start getting happier. Then, suddenly and overnight, snow three meters thick covers the Sweden entirely. BAM. Mass suicides commence immediately. This whole winter depression business has a very nasty side-effect, which is mass immigration of suicidal emo kids. Another reason for the general populace to start killing itself.
+
Including the majestic [[moose]].
   
== Sports ==
+
A moose once bit my sister...
Sports is a big thing in Sweden and about 75% of the inhabitants time goes toward performing, thinking and talking about sports.
 
   
A sport that is not acknowledged by the state but never the less is immensely widespread is "Bus stop-standing" which is practiced every time 2 or more people happen to stand at the same bus stop. It is excruciatingly complicated and even someone who has practiced it for over 2 decades is still considered new to the sport.
+
No realli! She was Karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end
  +
of an interspace [[toothbrush]] given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an
  +
Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo
  +
Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Molars of [[Horst Nordfink]]"...
   
The general rules of the sport is to remain at lagom distance to every other person standing at the bus stop. This distance has to be calculated based on the weather and time of year as well as the other persons ethnicity, looks, gender and aged compared to your own. A lagom effort not to ignore the other persons, but to pretend that they don't exist, but not overly, just like they kinda exist but you really don't know it for sure. And remember-never, NEVER EVER utter a word, and if you do have to do it '''ALWAYS''' say that "it's nice weather".
+
Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti...
 
== Tourist atrocities ==
 
Sweden is the home of Swedish females, a mysterious species known from the ancient Swedish and Finnish mythology and are always called Helga. They have two blond legs, are well educated in Kung Fu and eat surströmming that gives them an inhuman strength over the males. Not to mention, that nowadays they are also famous for acting in adult movies.
 
 
If you are lucky when coming to Sweden you might catch a glimpse of Lahrs Ohgly. He is the ex leader of the Swedish communist party. He sometimes streaks around Old Town, a part of Stockholm.
 
 
Every year at may first, the population of Stockholm watches as Lahrs Ohgly gets praise from Joseph Stalin on being a full-fledged "non-communist-communist-pro-democrat". As he defends this non-paradoxical-paradoxical position the crowd dubs him the supreme upholder of the title "The most lagom man in the land".
 
 
Another very popular attraction is the Swedish phenomenon known as [[Fjortis|fjortis]]. A fjortis is a very strange kind of humanoid indeed. They often try to act mature, but mostly it results in a horrible death. Female fjortisar are easy to spot, as they wear too much make-up, carry around handbags filled with god knows what, and of course, they will have a hangover. Always.
 
 
==People of Sweden==
 
 
 
[[Image:Victoria_Silvstedt.jpg|right|thumbnail|Victoria Silvstedt, a fairly typical Swedish woman. ...or maby not...]]
 
 
 
===Origin of the Swedes===
 
 
Unbeknownst to many, the Swedish people does not share the simian origins of their European neighbors. Instead, swedes have evolved from a type of mold that forms on moist rocks. Native swedes are easily differentiated from other people due to their particular smell, like that of wet paper and dry gravel. In order to compensate for their complete lack of shared DNA with other species of mammals, the swedes are highly impressionable. As a result of this urge to assimilate themselves into the rest of humanity, many swedes compulsively engage in activities such as table tennis and masturbation on a daily basis, even though they lack the internal organs necessary to enjoy it.
 
 
===Good Looking Blonde Swedish Women===
 
 
*Crown Princess Victoria
 
*Princess Madeline - makes up for not being in line to the throne by her awesome hotness.
 
*[http://victoriasilvstedt.com/ Victoria Silvstedt]
 
*Hannah Graaf
 
*Magdalena Graaf
 
*[http://www.annalieb.com/ Anna Lieb]
 
*[http://www.elin-grindemyr.nl Elin Grindemyr]
 
*...and of course [http://www.schyman.se/ Grudrun Schywoman]
 
*[[The Blonde One]]
 
 
<center><youtube><sf50ZCrU4rE></youtube></center><br><center>Here's a video about Sweden and its bleak landscape featuring [[Nostalgia Critic]] and [[Angry Video Game Nerd]].</center>
 
 
===Other Swedes===
 
*[[August Strindberg]], creator of the [[Swedish language]]
 
*[[Ingmar Bergman]] - or [[Death]] - inventor of [[Pornography|Swedish films]]. Liked to play chess with the famous atheistic knight Sir [[Ming the Merciless|Max von Sydow]] when they both lived in the same retirement home.
 
*[[Saint Petrus]], rival of August Strindburg and creator of the [[Bork]] language.
 
*[[Hans Teeuwen]], hand model
 
*[[Eyvind Martensson]]
 
*[[Johan S. Larsson]], inventor of Salmon.
 
*[[Torbal the Viking |Torbal]], the last Viking
 
*[[Queen Christina]], member of the Swedish Royal family
 
*[[Dolph Lundgren]], The worlds most famous Swede.
 
*[[Filip Hammar and Fredrik Vikingsson]]
 
*the second Darin from Bewitched
 
*[[Death]], one of the Horseman of the Apocalypse
 
*[[Brody Dalle]], wine taster
 
*[[Deathcrush]], psychotic
 
*[[Magomed Vitargov]], escaped mental patient
 
*[[Europe]], a hair band from the 80's
 
*[[Quorthon]], a viking bard who wove magical tales of Odinism.
 
 
===Banned from Sweden===
 
*[[George Bush]]
 
*[[Germany]]
 
*[[David Hasselhoff]]
 
*[[Martin Timell]]
 
*[[Sven-Göran Eriksson]]
 
*[[Jar Jar Binks]]
 
*[[User:MrCleveland/Loopy de loop|Loopy de Loop]]
 
*Any discussion of [[Olof Palme]]
 
 
==Animals==
 
*[[Wikenfalk]]
 
*[[Viking]] (The Swedish man)
 
* Yes. Polarbears roams the streets sorting out the lesser humans, thats why sweden is supereior too all other countrys in "polarbearhunting", soon to be in the olympics
 
   
  +
''Creative Commons notice: The above is Copyright (c) The [[Monty Python]] team.''
   
 
== Credits ==
 
== Credits ==
  +
<table
  +
style="text-align: left; height: 164px; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 9pt; width: 392px;"
  +
border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="2">
  +
<tr>
  +
<td colspan="3" rowspan="1">Left and Right by
  +
Location</td>
  +
</tr>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Moose Trained by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Yutte Hermsgervordenbrot</td>
  +
</tr>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Special Moose Effects</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Olaf Prot</td>
  +
</tr>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Moose Costumes</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Siggi Churchill</td>
  +
</tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Moose choreographed by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Horst Prot III</td>
  +
</tr>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Miss Taylor's Mooses by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Hengst Douglas-Home</td>
  +
</tr>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Moose trained to mix concrete and sign complicated [[insurance]] forms by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Jurgan Wigg</td>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Mooses noses wiped by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Bjorn Irkestom-Slater</td>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Large moose on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a through grounding in Latin, [[French]], and O level geography by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Bo Benn</td>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Suggestive poses for the moose suggested by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Vic Rotter</td>
  +
<tr>
  +
<td style="width: 196px;">Antler-care by</td>
  +
<td style="width: 85px;">Liv Thatcher</td>
  +
<tr>
  +
</table>
   
 
''Älk Trained by'' Jutte Hermsgervördenbröt ''Special älk-effectär'' Ålaf Pröht
 
 
''Älk-kåstymär'' Siggi Churchill
 
 
''Älk chöreögraphed by'' Hårst Pröht III
 
 
''Miss Tejlör's Älks by'' Hengst Döuglas-Höme
 
 
''Älk tränade för mixning kånkret and''
 
''sign kåmplicerad [[insurance]] fårms by'' Gjörann Wigg
 
 
''Älks nåses wipped by'' Björn Irkestöm-Slater
 
 
''Large Älk ån de läft hånd sid''
 
''åf de screen in the törd scen''
 
''från de änd, given a tryygh''
 
''grånding in Latin, [[French]], and''
 
''GCSE geograafy by'' Bö Benn
 
 
''Suggestiv påses för de Älk''
 
''suggested by'' Vic Rötter
 
 
''Älk-hörn-care by'' Liv Thatcher
 
 
The most famous Swedes are the Team Brynäs.
 
 
==Neighbour Countries Relations==
 
 
*[[Norway]]: There were/is bad blood between these countries, after centuries of "war", there were never any firefights (Except once or twice)... only drunken fights and foul language (Norway are feared for their fearse fighting style called [[The Norwegian Barfighting Method]] but after a while the two counties became sober and forgot the whole thing...
 
*[[Finland|Suomi]]: Homeland of the Finns who got [[pwned]] by Sweden for centuries.
 
 
== See also ==
 
* [[Monarchs of Sweden]]
 
* [[Swedish Academy]]
 
* [[Nobel Prize]]
 
* [[Spain]], [[Spain|The Real Sweden]]
 
* [[Switzerland]], [[Switzerland|The Other Real Sweden]]
 
* [[Slovakia]], [[Slovakia|The Other Other Real Sweden]]
 
* [[Canada]], [[Canada|The Other Other Other Real Sweden]]
 
* [[Finland]]
 
* [[Estonia]]
 
* [[Elbonia]]
 
* [[Norway]]
 
* [[Swedish Chef|The Swedish Chef]]
 
* [[Allsvenskan]]
 
 
{{Nordic}}
 
{{Europe}}
 
{{World Countries}}
 
 
 
[[nl:Zweden]]
 
[[pt:Suécia]]
 
 
[[da:Sverige]]
 
[[de:Schweden]]
 
[[el:Σουηδία]]
 
[[es:Sucia]]
 
[[fi:Ruotsi]]
 
[[fr:Suède]]
 
[[it:Svezia]]
 
[[ko:스웨덴]]
 
[[lt:Švedija]]
 
[[no:Sverige]]
 
[[pl:Szwecja]]
 
[[sr:Шведска]]
 
[[sv:Sverige]]
 
[[tr:İsveç]]
 
[[zh:瑞典]]
 
[[zh-tw:瑞典]]
 
[[th:ประเทศสวะอีเดน]]
 
[[Category:Things that God hates according to Fred Phelps]]<noinclude>
 
[[Category:Pages with deprecated tags]]</noinclude>
 
[[Category:Racial culture]]
 
[[Category:Islam]]
 
[[Category:Things George Bush doesn't care about]]
 
[[Category:Waste]]
 
[[Category:Things no one will remember in 10 years]]
 
[[Category:Weird Places]]
 
 
[[Category:European countries]]
 
[[Category:European countries]]
[[Category:Things owned by the Jews]]
 

Revision as of 00:04, August 11, 2011

SWEDEN - the home of swedish females. They have two blond legs, are well educated in Denmark and eat surströmming. Not to mention, that they are also famous for playing in adult movies.

Sweden, officially the Kingdom of Sweden, is the home of Swedish females. They have two blond legs, are well educated in Denmark and eat surströmming. Not to mention, that they are also famous for playing in adult movies.

History

After a devastating participation in the Battle of the Bulge, Sweden remained peaceful for some time. But when the Wars on Emotions broke out early in the 21st century, this country invented a new form of government called a Corporacracy, which means it is basically ruled by IKEA, McDonalds, and Volvo. They are slowly taking over the world and their Swiss chocolate really sucks. Their Swiss watches are also becoming disturbing popular, as are the Swede shoes after Elvis Presley sang about them.

Geography

Sweden consists of two parts: The capital Stockholm and the country side. Stockholm is the home for the retarded, and the country side is the home for the ignorant.

All industry and agriculture in Sweden is located to places around the country. The economical, political and medial power is however located to Stockholm. This creates a perfect symbiosis. The outlines of this were sketched by Per Albin Hansson in the 1930's and have later been proven by the professor of sociology Nils Ängellby to be consistent with the best way of life, so long as it pays his salary.

Food

The Swedish traditional dish is meat balls made from polar bears and a kind of raw, rotten fish (surströmming). The tradition is said to have started when shipments of sushi from Japan were spoiled on its way to Sweden, but the polite and simple minded Swedes forced themselves to eat it, and of courtesy have been doing it ever since.

Politics

As a politically neutral entity, Sweden is not expected to maintain its high standard of living, nor sovereignty, for much longer. The reason is the advent of George W. Bush's "You're either with us or against us" foreign policy. Fox News says that everything will be fine and Operation Swedish Liberation will progress right on schedule.

Ruler

Sweden is ruled by the beautiful but helpless monarch Godrun Scywoman (originally Scyman; changed it after becoming feminist), sitting chained forever on her looking-glass throne. Belonging to the left wing, she requires to be freed by folks from the USA, who are reportedly underway after the recent reports of oil being found.

Practical power in Sweden is held by the evil Grand Vizier, Ingvar Kamprad, whose program of mental torture for the subjugation of the middle classes has been sold to America under the name IKEA.

Language

Swedish citizens only talk Bork, a strange and unique language which has been theorised to relate to that of the Ainu people of northern Japan. Recently a minority has been found speaking the Swedish language, but it is yet to be confirmed.

Industry

Annually a large group minor foreigners are imported from Taiwan to make all the material used to make incomplete IKEA furniture. A group of minors from Korea have been imported to create the missing pieces which will eventually be exported to USA.

Culture

Sweden is the home of Billy Ocean, who led the Austrian trio Abba to consecutive Eurovision Song Contest victories in 1966-67 when it was known as the European Cup.

A strong tradition of folk music pervades rural Sweden, with disparate subcultures such as clam music and rock music found in isolated pockets of the island.

Chronicle of Sweden

Wi not trei a holiday in Sweeden this yer ?

See the loveli lakes...

The wonderful telephone system...

And mani interesting furry animals.

Including the majestic moose.

A moose once bit my sister...

No realli! She was Karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: "The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink"...

Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti...

Creative Commons notice: The above is Copyright (c) The Monty Python team.

Credits

   </tr>
Left and Right by Location
Moose Trained by Yutte Hermsgervordenbrot
Special Moose Effects Olaf Prot
Moose Costumes Siggi Churchill
Moose choreographed by Horst Prot III
Miss Taylor's Mooses by Hengst Douglas-Home
Moose trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by Jurgan Wigg
Mooses noses wiped by Bjorn Irkestom-Slater
Large moose on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a through grounding in Latin, French, and O level geography by Bo Benn
Suggestive poses for the moose suggested by Vic Rotter
Antler-care by Liv Thatcher
Personal tools
projects