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“Oh, come on! One musical was bad enough!”
Chorus – Some buskers who just came in for the warmth.
Hagrid – A large man.
Harry Potter – A nerdy boy wizard with glasses.
Hermione – Harry’s 'friend'.
Ron – Another of Harry's 'friends'.
Narrator – The narrator (duh!)
Prof. Dumbledore – A cliché
Vernon – A fat man with a moustache.
Voldemort – The Dark Lord.
Harry's bedroom. Once again, we have skipped most of the intro.
Narrator – (spoken) Harry just walked into his bedroom, and has found a disgusting, smelly elf sitting on his bed.
Harry - (shouts) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Chorus - (sings) Ah! Ah!
Harry aims a kick at the elf.
Dobby – Why is Harry Potter kicking Dobby?
Harry – Ahh! It can talk!
He kicks it again. The puppet's head falls off. A comical boing sound plays.
An owl (suspended by string) swoops in.
Vernon – (bellows from downstairs) LETTERS!
Chorus – (sings) Letters!
Harry opens the letter.
Female Voice - Dear Mister Potter, You are hereby expelled from Hogwarts for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Yours sincerely, Mafalda Hopkirk.
Hogwarts, the Great Hall. More of the story has been skipped. Snape continues to glower at people (especially Dumbledore, whom he kills).
Narrator - Harry was expelled, but went to school nonetheless. He flew there in a car, but that would be incredibly difficult (and expensive) to stage, and don't forget, there's only so much of the story we can use without being sued by Warner Brothers. Incidentally, Harry isn't even in the hall in the book, but who cares?
Chorus – (same tune as last time) We are wizards! We are wizards! "etc."
Dumbledore - Welcome to Hogwarts once again.
Students stand up and begin to dance. Music quickly changes to the tune of Go Go Go Joseph from hit musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, like last time.
Chorus – Go go go Hogwarts you know what they say! Hang on now Hogwarts you’ll make it some day! Sha la la Hogwarts you’re doin’ fine! You and your
Dreamcoat magic ahead of your time.
Harry - (whispers to Ron) Dosen't this seem oddly familiar.
All – Ahead of our… time!
Hogwarts, a corridor. Harry, Ron and Hermione look at a wall with a message written in blood.
Narrator - Our favourite threesome (ahem) have discovered something rather strange.
Harry – AAH!
Hermione – Terrifying, isn't it!
Harry - Is it? I can't read.
Hermionie – But-
Ron - Just tell us what it says, Hermionie.
Hermionie – It says "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED."
Harry, Ron and Chorus - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Voldemort enters, sucking his finger.
Voldemort - Oww. Is that all? No surrenders? No pleas? You have no idea how much that hurt!
Harry points his wand at Voldemort.
Harry - Your end has come, Voldemort.
Voldemort - It's actually pronounced without the 't'.
Harry - Is it?
Voldemort - Yup.
Harry - Ah, well. Never mind. Avada Kedavra!
There is a flash of green light.
Narrator - After his heroic defeat of his mortal (ahem) enemy, Harry is in the office of Dumbledore, who ends up being killed by Snape.
Dumbledore - Well done, Harry. You have done well. So well you have done. In fact-
Ron - Just get on with it.
Dumbledore - Sorry. As I was saying, you may have killed him, but he still has Horcruxes.
Hermione dies of shock.
Ron - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Enter Chorus, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Snape for reprise of Go, Go, Go Harry, but to a much quicker and livelier mix. Harry is standing on a large, elaborate podium. It rises as the song progresses.
Chorus - He's a wizard, wizard, wizard... (their voices get quieter).
Harry - (sung in very high falsetto voice) I'm a wizaaaaaaaaaaaard!
He flicks his wand, and the stage fills with a bright light.
Narrator - Please put on your 3D glasses.
A screen shows a 3D image of a snake slithering towards the audience. It snaps its jaws. Hopefully, the audience flee.
|Characters||Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort|
|Books||List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time|
|Misc.||Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)|