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“Looney is the SHIT.”
“That's my bitch.”
“I'm too badass for an article, so Luna's will have to do.”
“We're actually twins. And the fraternal kind.”
“WHAT A TWEEEEEEST!”
“This woman made me want to go back to school again. Sigh.. what a woman.”
“Gotta love that crazy ass bitch!”
Looney Luna Lovegood (b. January 13, 1981) is a crazy lovable maniac witch who enjoys snorting hunting crumple-horned snorkacks. She was born and raised in a giant cave that was originally owned by the Malfoys. However, the Malfoys were a bunch of whiny bastards who ran off when the dark Lord Voldemort was killed by an emo baby. Thus, the giant rook was sold to Xenophilius Lovegood who needed a new house after discovering that he got a nargle pregnant. Luna was isolated from human contact during that period, due to her father having certain problems with certain nice people, for saying lies like having discovered the existance of crumple-horned snorkacks without having any proof. These very nice people gave him the funds to make conferences and stuff, but the dude ran off with the money, thinking that he could get away with it. Yeah... nice guys have their limits too...
Luna Lovegood was raised by her father and her nargle mother. They were a very happy family. They went fishing for freshwater plimpies, made gurdyroot infusions, and admired muggles. Sadly, their lives were changed when Luna's mother was consumed by a Hollow. Luna was unaware of this at the time as she was too busy being blessed by the gernumblies on her ninth birthday. Her father, not wanting to give his daughter nightmares of bloodthirsty Trolls, lied and told her that her mother was messing around with spells and one went horribly wrong. Luna believed this lie along with the others about crumple-horned snorkacks, Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem, and Harry Potter being God. She also believed that the world is at end on 21 December 2012, that the very nice guys are not really that nice, and that anything written by Stephenie Meyer is anything but bullshit. But don't take her word for it.
Without a mother and with an outdoor phobic father to take care of, Luna soon lost her mind (and sanity) and started to hallucinate about undead, skeletal, winged horses. She claims everyone is less sane than she is because she's the only one who can see such imaginary beasts. But we forgive her for that. <3
On Luna's eleventh birthday, she received a letter in the mail from Hogwarts stating that she was competent enough to go to their institution of learning. Excited that somebody cared enough to write to her, she went to Hogwarts where she became a Hot Stud. First, she almost got sorted into Hufflepuff- the loser house. By torturing the S
norting Hat with her split ends and dandruff, the S norting Hat finally succumbed to putting her in Ravenclaw. Then, when she started her classes, she couldn't keep up with the coursework because she had a bad case of Over Smartness (O.S) which led he to join the D.A (Dumblweed Army). Although her intelligence level improved, her social skills were diminished. Everyone became jealous over the fact that despite not communicating well with people, Luna didn't give half a shit about them. They would steal her shoes, bully her like crazy, and call her Looney. The only person who would stick up for her was Ginny Weasley, although that didn't work too well seeing as half the school had fucked Ginny at one point, so no one could ever take her seriously.
Meeting Harry Potter
Luna Lovegood became much
worse cooler when she met up with Harry Potter and his friends. They all met in a train compartment when everyone was spreading rumors about how Harry worshipped the devil. Cho Chang, Harry's Asian lover, had just left him for Dean Thomas so Harry was in super-angst mode. Luna, not having anyone else to talk to, started talking to Harry and his friends. Although Hermione Granger was jealous of Luna's intellectual skills and Harry Potter constantly worried about what Cho would think of Luna, Luna was accepted into Harry's posse. Not like Luna cared or anything. This was all planned beforehand by her so she would try to meet You-Know-Who face to face, whom she had believed tht he was the cult leader of the legendary crumple-horned snorkacks who would show her the world and follow her to the yellow brick road. This is also when she first met her future husband ROLF then no big deal kid extrordinare ROLF Neville Longbottom. LMAO ROLFCOPTER LULZ
The year Luna met Harry, they had a bitchy Tae Kwon Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge. Instead of teaching them l33t skills needed in the magical world, she taught them that everything in life was a myth- including Harry Potter. All of the Tae Kwon Dark Arts students wanted to rebel against this uber bitch by learning to be uber l33t on their own. Luna Lovegood joined this gang of rebels. During their meetings, they watched webisodes of "Ask A l33t Ninja" and learned how to defend themselves against Lord Voldemort and psychotic christians. Luna Lovegood soon had her l33t, nuncuk and ninja skills mastered and could finally whip some serious ass.
Behind the Laughter
Between the downfall of Uberbitch and the formation of the Army of Dumbleweed, Luna wrote books about her adventures in Hogwarts with her friends. The books didn't sell well in the magic kingdom, so Luna decided to move them to the muggle world and her book series became an instant hint. Her books where originally called "Barry Trotter and the Something Something Something", who by the way is NOT related to Harry Potter in ANY way, but later changed it to "Kingdom Hogwarts" in order to avoid being sued by Barry Trotter himself. Who, we like to remind you, is NOT Harry Potter.
“I beg to differ. It's this.. Potter guy who ripped me off, not this lovely lady over here.”
Fame and Fortune
Luna Lovegood became popular after helping Harry Potter rescue Sirius Black from The Department of Secrets. However, Harry was too ignorant to realize that it was a plot demised by Voldemort to steal his own prophecy. After battling a myriad of pussy Death Eaters, Luna challenged Voldemort to a game of World of Warcraft where she did some
sirius serious pwnage. Since Lord Voldemort lost, he had to bow down to Luna's awesomeness before disapparating to Malfoy Manor. This made her become epic win in the reader's eyes, but since the Voldy pwnage took place outside Hogwarts, that alone wasn't enough to impress those prissy Gryffindors, and they resumed to bully her until kingdom come.
Luna finally made the whole of Hogwarts STFU two years later. She shockingly stunned two teachers by performing a strip tease in the Ravenclaw common room. Severus Snape was not amused by her behavior so he thereby gave her detention with him. That became a big mistake because all Luna did was educate Snape on the affairs of nargles and dirigible plums. Fellow students instigated this behavior, as this changed her from epic fail to epic win. However, Luna Lovegood didn't become a household name until she discovered a herd of rumple-horned snorkacks living under Ron Weasley's house. For proving their existance, Luna made millions of chocolate money. She used that money to start a new business selling pocket watches. However, her small business failed when cellphones became abundant. Since cellphones already tell time and can be kept in a pocket, pocket watches were no longer needed. She sold her business to a nerd named Tom and married her highschool sweetheart Sir Neville Longbottom, becoming Dame Looney of the Damned in the process.
Today, Luna Lovegood is still married to Sir Neville Longbottom. They have two kids, Neville BADASS Jr. and Chibiluna, who attend Hogwarts. Neville got a job as a professor there, to make sure their children didn't turn out being like Harry Potter. He is that badass. Luna Lovegood had been a subsitue teacher for the Care of Magical Creatures department but due to the recession she is currently unemployed. She spends her time searching for crumple-horned snorkacks to cure her loneliness when Sir Neville isn't around. She attempted to become an archaeologist for the search of the Kingdom of the Crystal Snorkacks, but her employeers told her that she was overqualified. She also loves playing freelance video games, like World of Warcraft, Pokemon, and Eversion. She is one of the few people in the entire world (aka 3) that managed to complete IWANNABETHEGUY on Impossible mode without cheats and codes.
Oh yes, Luna Lovegood is totally t3h SHIT, bitches.
Luna had many suitors, especially after she became badass, but her heart always resided with Harry. He have her a deepthroat fuck near the in the woods when she was feeding Threstals. How kyeeut, love was bound to happen, wasn't it?
All you need is lovegood... ta-ta-ra-ra-ra...
Word of Idiot
“And who on earth are you good sir?”
“I'm your husband. Ignore me. :>”
J.K. Rowling may have pulled a rowling up her sleeve (yet again) with her saying that Neville 'married' Hannah Montana (you're kidding right? right?) and a guy who wasn't mentioned in the books at all (ROLF) but for the first time in HP history, her word got TOTALLY ignored. Why? First, she doesn't kill Harry Potter. Ok, he failed for a few seconds because in those seconds he was dead, but those seconds do not count, as they were too little. And he came back to life. Wait, he, Harry Potter, of all people, comes back to life, but not Sirius? Are you Siriusly Black racist Rowling? Yes Rowling, someone had to say that!
Then through an interview it is discovered that Dumbleweed is gay. Anyone with a brain would have figured it out but apparently rap has brainwashed everyone on this entire planet to believe that Dumbleweed was someone named Gandalf the Pimp. The misunderstanding shocked many, including the gay people who, despite the rumours, did NOT see that coming.
Then she kills off Hedwig, Moody, Dobbie, Snape, Dumbleweed, all of Tonk's family, Tonks and Remus, Scrappy McScrappy Dean Thomas (yeah, we wish), Seamus Finnegan, Voldemort, Bellatrix, M.Bison, every single person Light Yagami killed for a second time, Bowser, your dog, all Power Rangers(weird,cuz she IS a Power Ranger), the person you love the most (NOOOO [insert name here]!) and Fred. *SNIFF* Manly tears were shed that day... (You know who you are, asshole.)
It is documented that laments of Fred's death can still be heard of today. Oh, you can hear a fangirl crying right now just because we mentioned his name. Observe, my student;
"Fred? FRED?! FREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!"
Tearjerking isn't it? But fear not, Fred lives on, on an island with Elvis and lots of endless butterbeer to his heart's content. Bets that this becomes a T-Shirt in 3- 2- 1-!
But then she had the nerve to not let our two favourite oddballs hook up right after that shitty epilouge we had to go through and she made them hook up with
one two guys that stopped being important after book two? What nerve! What arrogance! Repeat with me;
WHAT A BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH! x9000
And that's how HP fans told J.K. to shove it and lived happily ever after in their simple, happy place called imagination. /rainbow
What? No HarryxHermione counts? Oh, those are the Zutarians of this series. Ignore them. We all do.
|Characters||Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort|
|Books||List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time|
|Misc.||Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)|