Baby's First Nuclear Warhead

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Revision as of 22:08, August 8, 2011

NascorLogoBlack

A Nascor Toystm product.

Got a baby on the way? Accidently got your ex pregnant and want to get on her good side so she drops the restraining order? Wish she got an abortion instead of having the thing out of shear spite? Have $150,000[1] (USD≈ €110,000 £95,000 ¥12,120,000) you wish you didn't?

If you answered "yes" to none or more of those questions, then Nascor Toystm has the answer to all your problems. Or at least all the ones that poop out 500% more mass than they consume and scream at 120 decibels 16 hours a day.

Keep the shakably-adorable fecal factory happy with the new Nascor Toystm Baby's First Nuclear Warhead (by Nascor Toystm).


Making Armageddon easy

BabyNuke

A pink "Fat Boy" model Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm gifted to a lucky newborn only moments after birth.

Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm is an easy-to-assemble fissionable atomic device. Any adult parent, guardian, grandmother, creepy stranger, or friend can follow the simple step-by-step directions included within a matter of a couple hours or more.

Our Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm is built as light as possible so your precious will not be overwhelmed by the bulk. When fully assembled, Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm only weighs a few kilograms due to our unique patented corrogated polymer foam and ultra-light shell casing. The small plutonium-239 core is the heaviest component followed by the high explosives. Advances in technology ensures that, if assembled correctly, Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm has a 96% chance to initiate critical mass. If your Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm fails to detonate, Nascor Toystm guarantees a second Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm free of charge (inspection of fizzled device by a Nascor Toystm representative is required for claim to be processed).


Optimising the holocaust

Every Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm comes with three triggering mechanisms from which your child may choose their preferrence, including:

BabysRedButton

Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm with blue remote detonator. Push the button!

  • The remote detonator
The Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm remote detonator is a large red button with semitransparent plastic safety guard that comes in six hues, pink, green, blue, orange, aqua, and purple. Your baby can feel like a real tyrannical dictator as he or she lifts the cute safety guard to push the big button with their fingers!
  • The countdown timer
A plastic clock with 18 different funny farm animals on bold numbers can be set to time down from 99 seconds before an automated detonation signal is sent to the Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm. As each number switches, the farm animal will make a noise, sure to bring out a giggle or smile. The radio signal has a range of approximately 15 meters (50 feet).
  • The impact fuse
If the impact fuse is installed in the nose of Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm, it only needs to be depressed to activate the detonation. If your baby wishes, he or she may drop the device from a high place such as your roof, a tree, or a cradle tied to thirty helium balloons. Authentic stabilizer fins will ensure the pressure fuse points downward when dropped.


NEW!
Now introduced in all Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm models, is the nuclear attack siren. Your baby won't have to make their own wailing. The siren will start to blow as soon as the safety guard on the red button is lifted, the countdown clock reaches Sheep + Barn mouse (10 seconds), or as soon as wind rushes through the stabilizer fins.


Super deluxe nuclear winter

If you are that crazy old uncle with too much money and no hope of ever finding a girlfriend that spends way too much on kids not your own because spoiling them makes you feel loved, then perhaps Nascor Toystm Baby's First Nuclear Warhead Deluxe Expansion Set interests you.

  • Ballistic nuclear missile
Watch the infant squeal in delight as they launch their warhead with the Ballistic Rocket Motors that can carry the attached Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm up to 1 kilometer! Use of the impact fuse recommended, Nascor Toystm not responsible for damaged Baby's First Nuclear Warhead due to incorrect trigger use. Only $20,000![2] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm not included)
  • Multiple Independently-targetable Reentry Vehicle
If your basic Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm is not powerful enough, the MIRV upgrade allows you to combine up to three devices and attach them to a rocket motor. Although the warheads cannot actually exit the atmosphere, the baby will still surely clap his or her hands as they watch the multiple warheads separate at their apogee and come back down in wide arcs for three individual detonations. Only $35,000![3] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm not included)
  • Neutron bomb
Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm is normally constructed with weight in mind, but if desired, an extra-large plutonium-239 core can be installed that will maximize nuclear fallout while decreasing blast potential. These neutron bombs will release ultra-high levels of radiation that will kill organisms while leaving structures relatively unscathed. Great if you live in a big city with expensive buildings or near a national monument you don't want to be known for demolishing. Only $100,000![4] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm not included)
  • Hydrogen bomb
If the standard .5 kilometer blast radius is way too small for your baby, Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm can be enhanced into a full thermonuclear device. The extra plutonium-239 cylinder is very heavy and will more than double the weight of a regular fission-based warhead, however, the blast can easily be expected to increase tenfold. Only $200,000![5] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm not included)
Nuclear explosion

The thermonuclear-enhanced Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm.

Safety tips

Nascor Toystm recommends you use Nascor Toystm Morally-blind Sunglasses. Look cool and protect your eyes while watching your baby play with their atomic toys. Only $25![6] Ask about our buy one get one free deal![7]

Always keep watch on your baby so it does not knock over Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm and become pinned under it.

If Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm does not detonate, do not attempt to force a detonation by kicking it, you may injure your toes. Either try a sledge hammer, or contact Nascor Toystm about a free replacement (some restrictions apply).

Do not use Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm to rob banks.

Do not send Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toystm to your Arab friends.

Not for children under the age of the second trimester.


Other products from Nascor Toys


That fineprint with which you needn't worry yourself

  1. Plus $150 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
  2. Plus $20 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
  3. Plus $35 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
  4. Plus $100 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
  5. Plus $200 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
  6. Plus $2 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
  7. Free sunglasses require an extra $27 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
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