Facebook

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Minutely Fun Things to do on Facebook)
(Reverted to Revision as of 21:06, October 9, 2010 by 115.64.72.36. Ihope this one looks more attractive O_O)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Q|Someones status on FaceBook was "Feeling suicidal, on the edge of a bridge." So I Poked him :)|Someone's status on Facebook :)|}} '''robbie rides purple unicorns and feeds it maccas''' Anonymous!!!!!!!{{Facebook button|count=47k}}
+
{{Whoops|Stalkers}}
{{Q|My own buisness always bores me to death. I prefer other people's.|Oscar Wilde|Social Networking}}
+
{{Q|Hey, why don't you come over to myspace and twitter me so I can google all over your facebook?|[[Oscar Wilde]]|Social Networking}}
{{Facebook button}}'''twitter is facebooks retarded brother go blaze!!!'''
+
{{Q|The best part of Facebook is that you can attribute a quote to any random person at all.|{{Template:Name}}}}
{{Q|Facebook has killed MySpace.|Founder of MySpace}}
+
{{Q|You have 12,000 Requests currently waiting for approval!|Facebook|Notifications and Request}}
{{Facebook button|icon=check}}
+
'''Facebook''' (from [[Sarkozy]]ian [[French]] "''[[Goatse|fesse de bouc]]''") is a highly modified [[MySpace]] profile and advertising medium used regularly by the government and Universities and colleges to project sexual content of themselves and their mothers over the internet to respected social figures such as Mr. Blobby, and a mutation of the [[LiveJournal]] [[virus]] that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a [[Myspace]]. It is also a place for people that are too damn lazy to create their own website so they make their Facebooks so they can stick that F logo on the bottom of every TV screen made since 2006 or so. Facebook is now a form of internet fascism, which one business on the Web starts to act as it is some virtual soverign state, taking control of websites and making them with ties with Facebook. The like features and political views is a secret way for people to spy on you and send you spam and other propaganda such as Farmville. Its precise origins are unknown, but it has been hypothesized that the Facebook mutation occurred after the LiveJournal virus was exposed to a form of delta-radiation known as [[HowTo:Be pretentious|Internet pretension]]. Its initial spreading is attributed to the American Stalker's Union. People who typically use Facebook are insecure Greeks and Finlanders named Eileen or Joseph. Facebook is generally defended as "Just a way to keep in touch" - undoubtedly a reference to [[masturbation|touching oneself]] while "investigating" pictures from last night's party in which people who were cooler and prettier than you had a good time. Over time, while MySpace started to be bombarded with errors and the MySpace crew grew up, they had took over the Facebook. In 2009, Tom Anderson has resigned from being the leader of MySpace and started to become the leader of Facebook, makin the increase of whoring and sexual predators become popular on Facebook and making it the new MySpace.
{{Facebook button|icon=check}}
 
{{Q|Twitter is way better.|you know you said it}}
 
{{Facebook button}}
 
{{Q|That one almost poked me...|Chuck Norris}}'''chuck norris did it with a truck and now it is optimus prime'''{{Facebook button|count=∞}}
 
Unable to add dislike button due to fear of consequences.
 
{{Q|Ag damn, should have hid location. |Osama Bin Laden}}
 
{{Facebook button}}i own a pie shop next to stocklands i said i loved briteny in year 5 - kayle
 
 
'''Facebook''' (from [[Sarkozy]]ian [[French]] "''[[Goatse|fesse de bouc]]''") (Also known as Assbook, Fakebook or defacebook) is a highly modified pornographic version of [[MySpace]] profile and advertising medium used regularly by the government and Universities and colleges to project sexual content of themselves and their mothers over the internet to respected social figures and a mutation of the [[LiveJournal]] [[virus]] that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a [[Myspace]]. Facebook is generally defended as "Just a way to keep in touch" - undoubtedly a reference to [[masturbation|touching oneself '''thats what she said''']] while "investigating" pictures from last night's party in which people who were cooler and prettier than you had a good time.
 
   
 
==Discovery==
 
==Discovery==
[[Image:Facebookupgrade.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Always upgrading, never for anything useful, only to become more <s>MySpaced</s> [[Twitter]]ed every day.]]
+
[[Image:Facebookupgrade.jpg|thumb|350px|right|Always upgrading, never for anything useful, only to become more <s>MySpaced</s> [[Twitter]]ed every day.]]
   
[[File:Facebookk.jpg|thumb|350px|left|the first appearance of facebook in England, back in 1400.]]Way back in the 1090s,[[ Santa Claus]] wanted to find a way to see if you are naughty or nice or sexy. The concept of the news feed was born and the Facebook was born at Santa's workshop inc. For the most part, it gave the job of being Santa Claus easier, such as the sending and receiving letters of Santa and watching over every little kid to see if you are good or not.Well, this days no webcam and we cant see them but we got many people on Facebook! with a feature to hack into all the little boys computer to "make sure you are good boys."
+
Way back in the 1950s or so, Santa Claus wanted to find a way to see if you are naughty or nice. The concept of the news feed was born and the Facebook was born at Santas workshop. For the most part, it gave the job of being Santa Claus easiers, such as the sending and recieving letters of Santa and watching over every little kid to see if you are good or not.
   
The Facebook virus was first isolated by researchers at the [[Country Of Singapore]] and Santa Claus in twenty years time, headed by Dr.Nitwit Hughes AND Dr Patricia Cock. It was actually invented by mad scientist Facebooker George Bush who took DNA samples of Obama and combined it with swine flu to create something that was originally meant to create a new steroid for the WTF organization. At the time, the WTF research team was working on a drug that might be able to identify what the F IN WTF really is. Instead, your mom and her team discovered a foreskin more resilient to this treatment than the WTF one was. When she announced her new discovery, and vowed to "eliminate once and for all this new faceless entity". All data on this new hot steaming SHIT flap was entered into a mainframe that was dubbed "Facebook", and the name stuck.
 
   
==Minutely Fun Things to do on Facebook==
+
The Facebook virus was first isolated by researchers at the [[University of Antarctica]] and Santa Claus in twenty years time, headed by Dr.Carolyn Hughes AND Dr Patricia Cockcroft. It was actually invented by mad scientist Facebooker George Bush who took DNA samples of Obama "o no he ddnt.." and combined it with swine flu to create something that was originally meant to create a new steroid for the WTF organisation. At the time, the WTF research team was working on a drug that might be able to identify what the F IN WTF really is. Instead, your mom and her team discovered a foreskin more resilient to this treatment than the WTF one was. When she announced her new discovery, and vowed to "eliminate once and for all this new faceless entity". All data on this new flap was entered into a mainframe that was dubbed "Facebook", and the name stuck. Until she peeled it off her shoe.
* Stalk a friend
 
* Stalk your friends' friends
 
* Stalk your mom
 
* Stalk your mom's friends
 
* Stalk your friends' mom
 
* Stalk your friends' moms' friends
 
* Stalk your ex
 
* Stalk your exs' friends
 
* Stalk your friends' ex
 
* Stalk your mom's ex
 
* Stalk your mom's ex-friends' ex's friends
 
* Tell everyone you were robbed by a minority
 
* Send messages
 
* Update your status constantly (AKA: prove to the world that you have no life)
 
* Play time consuming games, such as mafia wars or farmville
 
* Add people you hardly know
 
* Post pictures of yourself for your stalkers
 
* Poke people to death
 
* Join groups
 
* Say that you're ugly so that everyone cheers you up
 
* Add embarrassing pictures of people who annoy you
 
* Post links that cannot be embedded
 
* Try to accumulate more friends than that 5th grader down the street
 
* Fake your death, then make ten more pages, then repeat. my friend did that im not joking
 
* Make random smilies to irritate friends
 
* Join 'I hate Twilight' and 'Harry Potter is better than Twilight' and 'Edward Cullen is a fairy' fan pages
 
* Send 'sup' to every person online
 
* Tell people you are getting laid and you need help
 
* Announce that you are going to join a remaining group of German Nazi
 
* Tell the world your dad is a fairy
 
* Announce that your sister is open for business now
 
* Say that Facebook will change its name to In Your Facebook
 
* Tell everyone that it's your birthday and hope they'll write on your wall
 
* Change you're name to something stupid, or add " 'x " to the end to it
 
* Post "holiday pictures" of yourself, (Just pictures of yourself in a bikini, and try to persuade people your hot.)
 
* Like your own status
 
* Start a relationship with someone you don't know
 
* Post bad pictures of your friends just to piss them off
 
* Quote Facebook likes that they haven't seen so you feel awesome
 
* Reject a friend invite of an ugly person you know and then destroy his confidence and he will commit suicide
 
* Join people destroying groups
 
* If you desperately want people like you, then post a Bible verse so that Jesus freak will like your status, even though it doesn't have anything to do with them.
 
* Jerk off while watching other girl's profile(even though they use fake photos or aliases and may abuse you if you meet them)
 
* Crack your friends' (?) passwords and deface their profiles
 
   
 
==What is Facebook?==
 
==What is Facebook?==
[[File:Facebooklogin.png|thumb|400px|right|A typical facebook login page.]]
+
Facebook is a [[MMORPG]] with 'friends' instead of rankings. It is also a form of virus, the name being derived from a reference to the "Book of Life". The index alone features extrapolations on many topics formally considered much, much more [[evil]] than mere symbolic mythology. An investigation by the [[CIA]] by their special agent [[Mr. Smith]] has revealed that Facebook is actually a [[cult]] of the [[Undead]], plotting to overthrow the [[Earth]]. As more people are born with faces, [[James Bond]] steals them and increases its power.
Facebook is a [[MMORPG]] with 'friends' instead of rankings. It is also a form of virus, the name being derived from a reference to the "Book(fuck) of Life". The index alone features extrapolations on many topics formally considered much, much more [[evil]] than mere symbolic mythology. An investigation by the [[CIA]] by their special agent [[Mr. Smith]] has revealed that Facebook is actually a [[cult]] of the [[Undead]], plotting to overthrow the [[Earth]]. As more people are born with faces, [[James Bond]] steals them and increases its power.
 
   
This might be all made up since it was found on the [[internet]]. But other theories suggest that Facebook was actually the first thing ever to be on the internet. Although, since it was created in a past where there were [[time machines]], it was actually created in the future of the past, which is the present. In doing so, the [[evil]] [[goblin]]-like creators of the website have fucked up the [[future|space time continuum]] so, if we try to leave Facebook, we will fade and die like [[Marty McFly]]'s siblings in that photo in [[Back to the Future]].
+
This might be all made up since it was found on the [[internet]]. But other theories suggest that Facebook was actually the first thing ever to be on the internet. Although, since it was created in a past where there were [[time machines]], it was actually created in the future of the past, which is the present. In doing so, the [[evil]] [[goblin]]-like creators of the website have fucked up the [[space time continuum]] so, if we try to leave Facebook, we will fade and die like [[Marty McFly]]'s [[dad]] in that photo in [[Back to the Future]].
   
 
Either that, or as <strike>your moms</strike> some speculate a Massively Role-playing Online [[Pokémon]] The object being, of course to "Kill 'Em All". Then again, that's only a speculation...
 
Either that, or as <strike>your moms</strike> some speculate a Massively Role-playing Online [[Pokémon]] The object being, of course to "Kill 'Em All". Then again, that's only a speculation...
Line 29: Line 28:
 
==Why use facebook?==
 
==Why use facebook?==
   
The age old question is ''why do people use facebook?'' Well after [[2008|at least 100 years]] of thinking about it, [[many]] believe they have the answer. [[Truth|Most likely]], the answer is because you are some [[me|nerdy 21 year-old college guy who owns 40 pet cats and lives in his mother's basement and builds with toy blocks ALL DAY LONG.]]
+
The age old question is ''why do people use facebook?'' Well after [[2008|at least 100 years]] of thinking about it, [[many]] believe they have the answer.
   
[[fact|People use facebook to cover up the fact they have no friends]], they feel very insecure about their masturbation problems, so they fall back on an [[interweb]] where they can brag [[lies|about having friends]] and [[fap]] to fail [[amateur]] [[porn]]. [[faggots|Users]] can then compete to see who has the most friends. The current record is held by {{username}} with 1 friend.
+
[[fact|People use facebook to cover up the fact they have no friends]], they feel very insecure about this, so they fall back on an [[interweb]] where they can brag [[lies|about having friends]]. [[faggots|Users]] can then compete to see who has the most friends. The current record is held by {{username}} with [[pedophile|1 friend]].
   
Rumour has it that the [[failure|owner of Facebook]] hides subliminal messages in [[everything|superior social networking sites]] encouraging [[idiots]] to get facebook.
+
Rumour has it that the [[failure|owner of Facebook]] hides subliminal messages in [[everything|superior social networking sites]] encouraging [[idiots]] to get facebook.
 
Just...just give up.
 
   
 
==Creeping==
 
==Creeping==
Line 41: Line 40:
 
*Next - the next button at the top of a full size picture.
 
*Next - the next button at the top of a full size picture.
 
*Unlimited history - the ability to creep someone right back to the first day they got facebook.
 
*Unlimited history - the ability to creep someone right back to the first day they got facebook.
*See friendship - A new feature that allows you to creep two people at once
 
 
*Apps - these are used by big companies to creep many people to acquire valuable statistics.
 
*Apps - these are used by big companies to creep many people to acquire valuable statistics.
 
These are the things used to creep, stalk, and stealthily follow other Facebook users at will, and kill them.
 
These are the things used to creep, stalk, and stealthily follow other Facebook users at will, and kill them.
 
*The like button - another excuse to spam and annoy the shit out of people.
 
*The like button - another excuse to spam and annoy the shit out of people.
*Farmville - the facebook propaganda app that is based on a communist commune farm that believes in Marxist communism...which involves farming.
+
*Farmville - the facebook propagana app that is based on a communist commune farm that believes in Marxist communism...which involves farming.
*The population in Farmville shows that at the end of the day people are all villagers at heart!
 
   
==Use by Filipino Terrorist Groups==
+
==Use by Australian Terrorist Groups==
   
A certain Filipino terrorist group uses Facebook to target possible [[slaves]] to work on their [[cotton]] plantations. Generally you will become a target if you spend more than 5 minutes a day on it, have less than 5 friends, and play Farmville, because generally that means you won't be missed. Farmville is actually an introductory course in agriculture to make you a better cotton-picker. You are then picked up in a helicopter and taken to Australia to a) work the farms or b) sing at the Sydney Opera House every day of your miserable rotten life. They also want to rip off your '''face''' and put it in a '''book''', get it? BAHAHA!!! The like feature is a secret thing that keeps track of all the things people like in the internet and it becomes generated into stuff called Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. Facebook is used by Australian spies to keep track of what the average American likes and see how we can spam the shit out of certain people. Also, to new users of Facebook.. be warned, Australians are dangerous people. They WILL find you..
+
A certain Australian terrorist group uses Facebook to target possible [[slaves]] to work on their [[cotton]] plantations. Generally you will become a target if you spend more than 5 minutes a day on it, have less than 5 friends, and play Farmville, because generally that means you won't be missed. Farmville is actually an introductory course in agriculture to make you a better cotton-picker. You are then picked up in a helicopter and taken to Australia to a) work the farms or b) sing at the Sydney Opera House every day of your miserable rotten life. They also want to rip off your '''face''' and put it in a '''book''', get it? BAHAHA!!! The like feature is a secret thing that keeps track of all the things people like in the internet and it becomes generated into stuff called Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. Facebook is used by Australian spies to keep track of what the average American likes and see how we can spam the shit out of certain people.
   
 
==Effects of Facebook==
 
==Effects of Facebook==
Line 58: Line 56:
 
Facebook also has a high addiction rate. It is widely believed that when accessing Facebook, invisible cigarette fumes leak out of computer speakers and monitors. Thousands of users log on to Facebook without logging off for days, and others are unable to not check it everyday. It is currently being researched, while Mark Zuckerbitch is being put on trial.
 
Facebook also has a high addiction rate. It is widely believed that when accessing Facebook, invisible cigarette fumes leak out of computer speakers and monitors. Thousands of users log on to Facebook without logging off for days, and others are unable to not check it everyday. It is currently being researched, while Mark Zuckerbitch is being put on trial.
   
Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing behavior of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the Facebook gene spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the [[Internet]] in a process known as "tagging." Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to [[Sufjan Stevens]].
+
Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing patterned behavior of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the Facebook gene spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the [[Internet]] in a process known as "tagging." Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to [[Sufjan Stevens]].
   
 
The University of Mongolia released a 2079 report into the effects of Facebook's decision to display its users [[DNA]] strands. The report alleged clones were being made on the basis of information on the website, but that due to Facebook's famous inability to display the number "2", they were being made with no limbs or noses. The report has yet to be verified, but a workforce of limbless, noseless morons are piecing through the findings and will come to a conclusion within the next millennium.
 
The University of Mongolia released a 2079 report into the effects of Facebook's decision to display its users [[DNA]] strands. The report alleged clones were being made on the basis of information on the website, but that due to Facebook's famous inability to display the number "2", they were being made with no limbs or noses. The report has yet to be verified, but a workforce of limbless, noseless morons are piecing through the findings and will come to a conclusion within the next millennium.
   
 
There is a growing population of people affected by [[visiobibliophobia]] as a direct result of Facebook's existence.
 
There is a growing population of people affected by [[visiobibliophobia]] as a direct result of Facebook's existence.
 
In addition, Facebook brings geniuses to average intellect. Don't use it.
 
   
 
==Big Brother==
 
==Big Brother==
At the start of September 2006, [[Big Brother]] took over Facebook, and as part of the world's backlash against [[Steve Irwin]]'s death, decided to inform everyone on Facebook of their friends' every move. That was used by some liberal government to cut back on careless mistake, such as the rising increase of crocodile accidents and alligator related deaths in 2005. That informs the world of helping protect other people and increases awareness about the dangers of crocodiles.
+
At the start of September 2006, [[Big Brother]] took over Facebook, and as part of the world's backlash against [[Steve Irwin]]'s death, decided to inform everyone on Facebook of their friends' every move. That was used by some liberal government to cut back on careless mistake, such as the rising increase of crocidile accidents and aligator related deaths in 2005. That informs the world of helping protect other people and increases awarness about the dangers of crocidiles.
   
 
[[Image:BigBrother.jpg|right|thumb|Current owner and operator of Facebook]]
 
[[Image:BigBrother.jpg|right|thumb|Current owner and operator of Facebook]]
Line 78: Line 74:
 
* At least 5 of their friends are in constant relationship flux (signifying extreme [[Borderline personality disorder|Borderline Personality Disorder]]) going from "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "In A Relationship" to "Single" again within 15 minutes.
 
* At least 5 of their friends are in constant relationship flux (signifying extreme [[Borderline personality disorder|Borderline Personality Disorder]]) going from "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "In A Relationship" to "Single" again within 15 minutes.
 
* Little '''Kate P.''' from that high school down the street from them will be attending an event nearby at 11 p.m. tomorrow night (hint: now would be a good time to "borrow" some stuff from her place).
 
* Little '''Kate P.''' from that high school down the street from them will be attending an event nearby at 11 p.m. tomorrow night (hint: now would be a good time to "borrow" some stuff from her place).
*'''Laura F.''' and '''Maria S.''' stalked new interns for employment at for Fuhrer's Hitler Youth Nazi program.
+
*'''Laura F.''' and '''Maria S.''' stalked new interns for employment at for Furher's Hitler Youth Nazi program.
 
*'''Little Johnny''' is now a fan of '''Pullups Diapers''', even though '''Little Johnny''' is 21.
 
*'''Little Johnny''' is now a fan of '''Pullups Diapers''', even though '''Little Johnny''' is 21.
   
Line 85: Line 81:
   
 
==Facebook Applications==
 
==Facebook Applications==
Facebook makes their cash by making every aspect of the site secretly advertising. These advertisements are usually called 'applications' and consist of asking you to send all your friends advertisements for the advertisements, then spamming your notifications box and theirs with pointless crap that nobody will ever read. Apple has got in the act and created the AppStore, which is using all the Facebook apps for a profit. This has been called the most genius marketing move ever by Luciferian Businessman magazine, and was rated as second best by Devil's Advocate eMagazine, right after billboards with [[Chuck Norris]]. As of 2010 the only webpages that still exist on the internet all have applications available on Facebook. Some of the application's are, super poke pets, happy aquarium, happy pets, mafia wars, zoo world, bumper sticker, wild ones, ameba pico and daily photo. There are many more and you can know them all if you just go on facebook. What are you doing here reading about it? Just go on it and find out for yourself! Most of the applications on Facebook are made by the evil software company Zygna, which tried to create their own video games, but didn't have enough employees so they actually let Facebook take it over. Facebook bought Zygna in 2008 and made all the applications free. Before 2008, this applications were used as a spamming technique from other sites and are used to get free ringtones with special offers for trips to North Korea. After Kim Jung Ill abolished his trips, he asked the communist government to send state owned currency to Facebook to actually create propaganda on the book Animal Farm with the game Farmville. Farmville is based on commune farming and it was his way to promote Marxist practices. Farmville was claimed to be a global pandemic and the economy rose at the use of Farmville coins created jobs all across the country for people not boosting the ecomomy by playing Farmville. Kids dropped out of college and grades were affected by Farmville time.
+
Facebook makes their cash by making every aspect of the site secretly advertising. These advertisements are usually called 'applications' and consist of asking you to send all your friends advertisements for the advertisements, then spamming your notifications box and theirs with pointless crap that nobody will ever read. Apple has got in the act and created the AppStore, which is using all the Facebook apps for a profit. This has been called the most genius marketing move ever by Luciferian Businessman magazine, and was rated as second best by Devil's Advocate eMagazine, right after billboards with [[Chuck Norris]]. As of 2010 the only webpages that still exist on the internet all have applications available on Facebook. Some of the application's are, super poke pets, happy aqurium, happy pets, mafia wars, zoo world, bumper sticker, and daily photo. There are many more and you can know them all if you just go on facebook. What are you doing here reading about it? Just go on it and find out for yourself! Most of the applications on Facebook are made by the evil software company Zygna, which tried to create their own video games, but didn't have enough employees so they actually let Facebook take it over. Facebook bought Zygna in 2008 and made all the applications free. Before 2008, this applications were used as a spamming technique from other sites and are used to get free ringtones with special offers for trips to North Korea. After Kim Jung Ill abolished his trips, he asked the communist government to send state owned currency to Facebook to actually create propaganda on the book Animal Farm with the game Farmville. Farmville is based on commune farming and it was his way to promote Marxist practices. Farmville was claimed to be a global pandemic and the economy rose at the use of Farmville coins created jobs all across the country for people not boosting the ecomomy by playing Farmville. Kids dropped out of college and grades were affected by Farmville time.
   
 
==Determining one's worth as a person based on Facebook==
 
==Determining one's worth as a person based on Facebook==
Line 95: Line 91:
   
 
A person’s worth may be artificially boosted through the use of alternate profile images.
 
A person’s worth may be artificially boosted through the use of alternate profile images.
Physical unattractiveness may be hidden by posting cartoon or other avatar in place of a personal photograph. A photograph that shows the person alongside one or more hotter people may also be used. Viewers may confuse the person with one of their hotter friends or, at the very least, it will indicate that the person is a member of a more attractive league.
+
Physical unattractiveness may be hidden by posting a cartoon or other avatar in place of a personal photograph. A photograph that shows the person alongside one or more hotter people may also be used. Viewers may confuse the person with one of their hotter friends or, at the very least, it will indicate that the person is a member of a more attractive league.
   
 
If a sense of personal identity is completely lacking, a photograph of one’s baby may be used instead. If a person is childless, they may use a photo of their pet—preferably one in which the animal is young. However, these tactics should only be used in extreme cases where the person’s worth is truly lower than that of the non-verbal, physically and mentally challenged creature.
 
If a sense of personal identity is completely lacking, a photograph of one’s baby may be used instead. If a person is childless, they may use a photo of their pet—preferably one in which the animal is young. However, these tactics should only be used in extreme cases where the person’s worth is truly lower than that of the non-verbal, physically and mentally challenged creature.
Line 105: Line 101:
 
[[Image:John mccain's facebook.jpg|thumb|220px|[[John McCain]]'s Facebook]]
 
[[Image:John mccain's facebook.jpg|thumb|220px|[[John McCain]]'s Facebook]]
 
A user may be known as a '''Facebook Pariah''' if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
 
A user may be known as a '''Facebook Pariah''' if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
*Rejected another user who genuinely has had little or ith the Pariah.
+
*Rejected another user who genuinely has had little or no contact with the Pariah.
 
*Removed another user from the friend list who confirmed friend details more than 3 months ago.
 
*Removed another user from the friend list who confirmed friend details more than 3 months ago.
 
*Does not have drunk pictures of himself or herself posted for all to ridicule.
 
*Does not have drunk pictures of himself or herself posted for all to ridicule.
 
*Is listed as "single" but is not listed as "looking for a relationship".
 
*Is listed as "single" but is not listed as "looking for a relationship".
*Is listed as "married" and really is married in the means of having a marriage license obtained at the courthouse.
+
*Is listed as "married" and really is married.
 
*Belongs to fewer than 12 Facebook groups.
 
*Belongs to fewer than 12 Facebook groups.
 
*Has a profile purposely made to be boring.
 
*Has a profile purposely made to be boring.
 
*The education and work section is actually a real job and a real school.
 
*The education and work section is actually a real job and a real school.
*The about me section is about boring stuff such as goals, hobbies, careers, etc.
 
 
*The person is at work working when he is at his place of employment, not Facebooking.
 
*The person is at work working when he is at his place of employment, not Facebooking.
 
*Likes only boring interests like hunting, kayaking, travel, sports, computers, politics, and the like.
 
*Likes only boring interests like hunting, kayaking, travel, sports, computers, politics, and the like.
Line 119: Line 114:
 
*Political views are the actual registered political party.
 
*Political views are the actual registered political party.
 
*Religious view is claimed to be a true religion.
 
*Religious view is claimed to be a true religion.
*Updates status only once a day or less. Status updates usually involves talking about the weather, family, or career related topics.
+
*Updates status only once a day or less
   
 
*Has a "favorite book" listed that is actually his/her favorite book, and not something pretentious designed to impress everyone else (e.g. anything by Sartre).
 
*Has a "favorite book" listed that is actually his/her favorite book, and not something pretentious designed to impress everyone else (e.g. anything by Sartre).
Line 134: Line 129:
 
*Has a wall with more than 1,000 posts on it.
 
*Has a wall with more than 1,000 posts on it.
 
*Has stolen more than five people's Facebook Wall [[Virginity]].
 
*Has stolen more than five people's Facebook Wall [[Virginity]].
*Has more than a tenth of the '''student population listed as his/her friends.'''
+
*Has more than a tenth of the student population listed as his/her friends.
*Has a '''profile that is longer than most professional resumes.'''
+
*Has a profile that is longer than most professional resumes.
*Regularly '''posts more than 5 sentences on a single post''' on a wall or discussion board.
+
*Regularly posts more than 5 sentences on a single post on a wall or discussion board.
*Likes everything under the sun
+
*Has more than 3 discussion topics in the same group in relation to sex, drugs, alcohol, wrestling, fat people or old men.
*Has more than 3 '''discussion topics in the same group in relation to sex, drugs, alcohol, fat people or old men.'''
+
*Accepts all friend requests from whomever they find 'sexy'.
*'''Accepts all friend requests''' from whomever they find 'sexy'.
+
*Has a 'Facebook STI'.
*Has a ''''Facebook STI''''.
+
*Updates Top Friends every day, and switches all friends in the list.
*'''Updates Top Friends every day''', and switches all friends in the list.
+
*No more than three days passes without an update on the user's profile.
*'''No more than three days passes without an update''' on the user's profile.
+
*Updates status on every mood change and/or "what I had for lunch."
*Updates '''status on every mood change''' and/or "what I had for lunch."
+
*Comments on someone's photo.
*Comments on '''someone's photo'''.
+
*Has more than 2 sentences in the section "about me."
*Has more than '''2 sentences in the section "about me'''."
+
*Has more than 2 emails posted on their profile.
*Regularly '''posts song lyrics or quotes that make them look deep'''.
+
*Puts many photos of himself or herself to be a showoff.
*Has more than '''2 emails posted on their profile'''.
+
*In the section "interests" includes 'sex', 'stripping', 'adding people that I don't know'.
*Puts '''many photos of himself or herself to be a showoff'''.
+
*Joins every network or adds all applications of their friends.
*In the section '''"interests" includes 'sex', 'stripping', 'adding people that I don't know''''.
+
*Writes an inappropriate word anywhere on the profile.
*'''Joins every network''' or adds all applications of their friends.
+
*Has more than 20 pictures taken on the same day posted on their profile.
*Writes an '''inappropriate word''' anywhere on the profile.
+
*Loves to tag people in photos even though it's not even them
*Has '''more than 20 pictures taken on the same day''' posted on their profile.
+
*All people categorized as such are most certainly gay or female.
* Comments on their own '''status'''.
+
*Has suicidal thoughts when they forget their password.
*Loves to '''tag people in photos even though it's not even them'''
 
*All people categorized as such are most certainly '''gay or female.'''
 
*Has '''suicidal thoughts when they forget their password'''.
 
*Has '''more than 500 comments''' on one photo by 5 of her boyfriends fighting over her.
 
*Plays '''Farmville and rapes other people's crops.'''
 
*Is '''flooded with requests''' every day.
 
*'''Shows her boobs''' in her profile pic.
 
*has a picture of him/her kissing his/her boyfriend/girlfriend/both
 
* will post "sup" on your page everyday.
 
   
 
===Failure===
 
===Failure===
Line 160: Line 155:
 
A user may be known as a '''Facebook Failure''' (and possibly an '''Internet Failure''')(or '''Facebook Nazi''')(and needless to say a '''Life Failure''') if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
 
A user may be known as a '''Facebook Failure''' (and possibly an '''Internet Failure''')(or '''Facebook Nazi''')(and needless to say a '''Life Failure''') if he or she has performed one of the following actions:
   
*Is shown to be "online" at 3:00 A.M. in the morning.
+
*Is shown to be "online" at 3:00 in the morning.
 
*Spams on other people's walls.
 
*Spams on other people's walls.
 
*Hides his or her 'the Wall' box in a trash load of other applications.
 
*Hides his or her 'the Wall' box in a trash load of other applications.
Line 176: Line 171:
 
*Lists fifteen or more bands under his or her "Favorite Music".
 
*Lists fifteen or more bands under his or her "Favorite Music".
 
*Lists every movie watched in the last 4 months under his or her "favorite movies".
 
*Lists every movie watched in the last 4 months under his or her "favorite movies".
*POSTS EVERYTHING IN CAPS!!!!!1!.
+
*Has a profile typed in aLt CaPs.
*Has a number of friends greater than or equal to 25% of the university's total student population.
+
*Has a number of Friends greater than or equal to 25% of the university's total student population.
 
*Has more than 100 friends that they do not know in person.
 
*Has more than 100 friends that they do not know in person.
 
*Has more than one Facebook account in regular use.
 
*Has more than one Facebook account in regular use.
Line 191: Line 186:
 
*Say that they are in a relationship with another man, even when they're not gay (debatable).
 
*Say that they are in a relationship with another man, even when they're not gay (debatable).
 
*Is a man that uses :) or :( of any variation in a post.
 
*Is a man that uses :) or :( of any variation in a post.
*Has liked their own status/es as well as comments
+
*Has liked their own status/es
* Likes every thing in there newsfeed
 
*Take a gay ass photo in a dirty mirror, use [[Photoshop]] to do some random retarded shit to it, then proceed to tag every one in it. In hopes that they will comment saying,"cute pic gurl!! ily<3
 
*posts this face: xD
 
*Quotes Adolf Hitler as part of an intellectual debate in an attempt to make himself look cooler than the average facebook user.
 
*Accepts all firend requests, even if they come from pedophiles.
 
   
 
==Controversy==
 
==Controversy==
   
 
'''Facebook Versus Efficiency'''
 
'''Facebook Versus Efficiency'''
Many scholars have studied historical accounts of student life during the "Pre-Facebook" Era and have come to the conclusion that these students used their time much more efficiently. Some documentation seems to show that in this mysterious era students did not spent a large proportion of their study time telling others needlessly through the medium of social networking sites of their dislike of studying and other academic endeavors. Studies have shown that this action takes up to 70 percent of the average student's study time. Further studies have shown that if students chose not to update their statuses several times a day, with statements to the effect of "Studying is gay", that they would in fact complete their work much quicker and that other Facebook users would not hate them as much.
+
Many scholars have studied historical accounts of student life during the "Pre-Facebook" Era and have come to the conclusion that these students used their time much more efficiently. Some documentation seems to show that in this mysterious era students did not spent a large proportion of their study time telling others needlessly through the medium of social networking sites of their dislike of studying and other academic endeavours. Studies have shown that this action takes up to 70 percent of the average student's study time. Further studies have shown that if students chose not to update their statuses several times a day, with statements to the effect of "Studying is gay", that they would in fact complete their work much quicker and that other Facebook users would not hate them as much.
   
 
===Allegations of use as a tool for stalkers===
 
===Allegations of use as a tool for stalkers===
 
[[Image:asad2.jpg|left|300px|thumb|Facebook allows users to upload pictures of themselves at their own risk. Users need to be aware of the fact that anyone could be masturbating to their photos at any given time.]]
 
[[Image:asad2.jpg|left|300px|thumb|Facebook allows users to upload pictures of themselves at their own risk. Users need to be aware of the fact that anyone could be masturbating to their photos at any given time.]]
   
In recent years, Facebook has been accused by critics as a tool for stalkers. This claim was further exacerbated in June [[2006]] when the [[Teenage girls|American Stalker's Union]] selected Facebook as their favourite website, defeating big contenders like [[Wikipedia]], Google Pages, and Cameras In Your Shower!!!!!! in a site-wide popularity contest. Delighted Facebook executives believe this is because of their new Facebook: Stalker Edition™. Indeed, one in four college murders has been linked with Facebook; a highly publicized case at [[Wheeling Jesuit University]] brought this contention further into the limelight when a victim's face was mutilated and a dark blue question mark drawn on instead.
+
In recent years, Facebook has been accused by critics as a tool for stalkers. This claim was further exacerbated in June [[2006]] when the [[American Stalker's Union]] selected Facebook as their favourite website, defeating big contenders like [[Wikipedia]], Google Pages, and Cameras In Your Shower!!!!!! in a site-wide popularity contest. Delighted Facebook executives believe this is because of their new Facebook: Stalker Edition™. Indeed, one in four college murders has been linked with Facebook; a highly publicized case at [[Wheeling Jesuit University]] brought this contention further into the limelight when a victim's face was mutilated and a dark blue question mark drawn on instead.
   
 
Facebook has consistently refuted these charges, claiming that ritually tracking a person's every movement is too narrow a definition to be classified as "stalking." "So a couple of thousand of college and high school kids are masturbating to pictures of their roommate's girlfriends; what's the big deal?" said Facebook spokesperson "Peeping" Tom Bundy.
 
Facebook has consistently refuted these charges, claiming that ritually tracking a person's every movement is too narrow a definition to be classified as "stalking." "So a couple of thousand of college and high school kids are masturbating to pictures of their roommate's girlfriends; what's the big deal?" said Facebook spokesperson "Peeping" Tom Bundy.
Line 218: Line 213:
 
==Mandatory Contents of a Facebook Page==
 
==Mandatory Contents of a Facebook Page==
   
Each person who has a Facebook account is required by the committee and by law in some states to have the following on their Facebook profile:
+
Each person who has a Facebook account is required by the commitee and by law in some states to have the following on their Facebook profile:
   
 
1. At least 2 photos of some vehicle, at least 5 pictures with your best friend, at least 5 pictures of party, 10 pictures of your family members, 1 annoying roommate picture, and 1 picture of you in some type of swimwear, along with at least 500 pictures of you tagged with your BFF.
 
1. At least 2 photos of some vehicle, at least 5 pictures with your best friend, at least 5 pictures of party, 10 pictures of your family members, 1 annoying roommate picture, and 1 picture of you in some type of swimwear, along with at least 500 pictures of you tagged with your BFF.
Line 229: Line 224:
 
8. You have to pretend you work in our crappy economy.
 
8. You have to pretend you work in our crappy economy.
 
9. Your education must be pretentious and prestigious and must be a member of Harvard at some time in your life.
 
9. Your education must be pretentious and prestigious and must be a member of Harvard at some time in your life.
 
==The End of Facebook==
 
In early 2000, writings were discovered in an IRC chat log in the depths of the internet
 
The writings date back to the early internet period, and are believed to belong to the ancient civilization of the "[[Usenet]]".
 
Conspiracy theorists often hail these writings as "prophecy of doom," going on public TV to use the first "fulfilled" prophecy as "proof" of the second "prophecy" about the "impending Apocalypse" of 2012.
 
 
TRANSLATION:
 
 
:"Those who prey on the young shall find a home,
 
:And the age shall be false
 
:And the image of them shall be false
 
:And they shall meet the naive young in the world outside
 
:And the reckoning shall be upon the young in an unseemly fashion
 
:Until the ninth year of the 2000th year, when the slow death shall be upon the site of the sins"
 
 
 
It is believed these writings refer to the decline website known as MySpace: A Place for Rape.
 
Strangely enough, the decline of the site reached its peak in 2009, in correlation with the "prophecy."
 
Therefore many believe the second half of the prophecy refers to much more catastrophic death of Facebook in 2012. This is infact the original 2012
 
"doomsday prophecy". It is believed the end of the actual world, as predicted by the Mayans, shall result from the death of Facebook.
 
 
:"The book of companions shall rise from the ashes
 
:In ivy walls, the giant is born
 
:And the masses shall find a home
 
:And they shall like the home
 
:And they shall like other things from their home
 
:And they shall live in the home, and farm there, and live there
 
:And tiiiiggghhhhttt
 
 
 
:But the refuges from the space of death shall find a home
 
:And there they shall find those they like, near or far
 
:And there they shall follow those they like, no matter the wishes of those the follow
 
:And soon the words will flow, then the blood will flow, and the chaos shall begin
 
:In the twelfth year of the two thousandths year, it shall come to pass
 
 
 
Most scholars regard the passages as early internet bullshit.
 
 
==How to know if your addicted==
 
If you do any of the folowing or even considering that you are close to one, then you are suffering from "FACEBOOK ADDICTION":
 
* -You care about what people think about you more on facebook than in real life
 
* -You get annoyed if somebody does not get a relationship or family relations with you right
 
* -If you rage, hate or do not talk to a specific person for a long period of time because they rejected your invite (or did not accept it within 24 hours)
 
* -You visit sites that list reasons about being addicted to facebook
 
* -Your dreams involve people writing messages on your wall
 
* -You've already checked your Facebook account three times before finishing this list! (I feel sorry for you..)
 
* -You have a version of all your pictures in 5 different which you thought looked cool when editing
 
* -You worry about how people will "judge you if you say.." on your wall
 
* -You get angry if somebody doesn't like your comment
 
* -Like your own comments because nobody else will
 
* -Rage at people for being worse than you at Farmville, Mafia Wars or any of those time-wasting mini-games that lure you to the site
 
* -You start wondering about the advertising on the side
 
* -You want to make an advert on the side
 
* -You try make an advert on the side
 
* -You are dissapointed that the advert will cost money, and 'surprisingly' return to your profile page
 
* -When you are bored, instead of going offline after an hour you deside to look at people's photo's
 
* -Once somebodys wall runs out of posts to comment on, you decide to add your own just to amuse yourself
 
* -Every half hour you look at your phone to see if there are any notifications
 
 
 
Likewise you know if it's a problem if:
 
* -You get overly embarressed and try hide all evidence that something that somebody posted something odd about you on your wall ever existed
 
* -Untag yourself from photo's which arent as unrelistic as your profile picture
 
* -You break up with somebody by posting a message on their wall
 
* -Your relationship status is only official if its been updated on facebook
 
* -You have several facebook friends that you've never actually met in person (you know how many i mean by several..)
 
* -Before you accept a job you have to find out about their Facebook policies
 
* -People don’t invite you out without facebooking you about it first
 
* -The world "poke" is no longer considered something physical to you
 
* -You like to receive meaningless gift icons and you like sending meaningless gift icons in return
 
* -You get upset when people do not talk with 3's and @'s
 
* -You get upset when people dont understand you (whilest you say something like " 57!=u n00|3z "
 
* -You get upset when people dont come online as much as you do
 
* -You tell people to come online more
 
* -You get upset when they say no
 
* -You get upset when they say you're online to much
 
* -Facebook always makes you upset no matter how much you think going on more will make things better
 
* -IF you cry at anything other than a relationship problem, then something is definately wrong..
 
* -if u pretend to be giggling ("hehe..") or crying ("QQ"), but dont worry 'lol' doesnt mean you are losing your sanity
 
* -If you start making images in letters and symbols
 
* -If you refuse to talk to anybody you don't that you dont have on facebook
 
* -You have a Facebook Account
 
 
etc.
 
 
If you match any of the above, dear lord, seek help.
 
[http://jokesprank.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/facebook-cartoon-1.jpg]
 
   
 
==Versions of Facebook==
 
==Versions of Facebook==
Line 324: Line 231:
 
Facebook 3.0 - MySpaceBook
 
Facebook 3.0 - MySpaceBook
 
Facebook 4.0 - SpyBook
 
Facebook 4.0 - SpyBook
''Facebook 5.0 - Farmvillebook*
 
''
 
 
soon to be announced
 
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
{{Wikipedia}}
+
* [[Editiovultus phobia]]
*[[Editiovultus phobia]]
+
* [[Mafia Wars]]
*[[Mafia Wars]]
+
* [[Addiction]]
*[[FarmVille]]
 
*[[Addiction]]
 
*[[HowTo:Tell who is posting as an admin on the Uncyc Facebook page]]
 
   
 
==External Links==
 
==External Links==
   
  +
* [http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/crackbook/profile.html '''Facebook sample profile(in mania)''']
  +
* [http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/crackbook/profile_reveal.html '''Facebook sample profile(in melancholia)''']
 
* [http://www-tech.mit.edu/V125/N53/TWACG0553.html A stalker's guide]
 
* [http://www-tech.mit.edu/V125/N53/TWACG0553.html A stalker's guide]
 
* [http://facebuko.com/ Facebook home page]
 
* [http://facebuko.com/ Facebook home page]
* [http://facebookthemes.org/ Facebook themes]
 
* [http://backgroundlayoutsforfacebook.com/ Facebook themes]
 
* [http://backgroundlayoutsforfacebook.com/ Facebook layouts]
 
   
{{Cleanup}}
 
   
  +
[[Category:Internet]]
  +
[[Category:Psychology]]
  +
[[Category:Teen Angst]]
  +
[[Category:Evil]]
  +
[[Category:Message boards full of losers]]
  +
[[Category:Social Networking]]
   
 
[[ar:كتاب الوجه]]
 
[[ar:كتاب الوجه]]
 
[[cs:Facebook]]
 
[[cs:Facebook]]
[[el:Φατσοβιβλίο]]
 
 
[[es:Facebook]]
 
[[es:Facebook]]
 
[[fr:Facebook]]
 
[[fr:Facebook]]
[[he:פייסבוק]]
 
[[hu:Facebook]]
 
 
[[id:Facebook]]
 
[[id:Facebook]]
 
[[it:Facebook]]
 
[[it:Facebook]]
[[ko:페이스북]]
 
 
[[la:Facebook]]
 
[[la:Facebook]]
 
[[sk:Facebook]]
 
[[sk:Facebook]]
[[th:เฟะซะบุ๊ก]]
 
 
[[tr:Facebook]]
 
[[tr:Facebook]]
[[Category:Internet]]
+
[[he:פייסבוק]]
[[Category:Psychology]]
 
[[Category:Teen Angst]]
 
[[Category:Things Bigger Than Jesus, But Smaller Than The Beatles]]
 
[[Category:Things that are definitely out to get you]]
 
[[Category:Evil]]
 
[[Category:Message boards full of losers]]
 
[[Category:Social Networking]]
 
[[Category:Serious Business]]
 

Revision as of 08:32, August 8, 2011

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Stalkers?
“Hey, why don't you come over to myspace and twitter me so I can google all over your facebook?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Social Networking
“The best part of Facebook is that you can attribute a quote to any random person at all.”
“You have 12,000 Requests currently waiting for approval!”
~ Facebook on Notifications and Request

Facebook (from Sarkozyian French "fesse de bouc") is a highly modified MySpace profile and advertising medium used regularly by the government and Universities and colleges to project sexual content of themselves and their mothers over the internet to respected social figures such as Mr. Blobby, and a mutation of the LiveJournal virus that infects people who consider themselves "way too cool" to have a Myspace. It is also a place for people that are too damn lazy to create their own website so they make their Facebooks so they can stick that F logo on the bottom of every TV screen made since 2006 or so. Facebook is now a form of internet fascism, which one business on the Web starts to act as it is some virtual soverign state, taking control of websites and making them with ties with Facebook. The like features and political views is a secret way for people to spy on you and send you spam and other propaganda such as Farmville. Its precise origins are unknown, but it has been hypothesized that the Facebook mutation occurred after the LiveJournal virus was exposed to a form of delta-radiation known as Internet pretension. Its initial spreading is attributed to the American Stalker's Union. People who typically use Facebook are insecure Greeks and Finlanders named Eileen or Joseph. Facebook is generally defended as "Just a way to keep in touch" - undoubtedly a reference to touching oneself while "investigating" pictures from last night's party in which people who were cooler and prettier than you had a good time. Over time, while MySpace started to be bombarded with errors and the MySpace crew grew up, they had took over the Facebook. In 2009, Tom Anderson has resigned from being the leader of MySpace and started to become the leader of Facebook, makin the increase of whoring and sexual predators become popular on Facebook and making it the new MySpace.

Discovery

File:Facebookupgrade.jpg

Way back in the 1950s or so, Santa Claus wanted to find a way to see if you are naughty or nice. The concept of the news feed was born and the Facebook was born at Santas workshop. For the most part, it gave the job of being Santa Claus easiers, such as the sending and recieving letters of Santa and watching over every little kid to see if you are good or not.


The Facebook virus was first isolated by researchers at the University of Antarctica and Santa Claus in twenty years time, headed by Dr.Carolyn Hughes AND Dr Patricia Cockcroft. It was actually invented by mad scientist Facebooker George Bush who took DNA samples of Obama "o no he ddnt.." and combined it with swine flu to create something that was originally meant to create a new steroid for the WTF organisation. At the time, the WTF research team was working on a drug that might be able to identify what the F IN WTF really is. Instead, your mom and her team discovered a foreskin more resilient to this treatment than the WTF one was. When she announced her new discovery, and vowed to "eliminate once and for all this new faceless entity". All data on this new flap was entered into a mainframe that was dubbed "Facebook", and the name stuck. Until she peeled it off her shoe.

What is Facebook?

Facebook is a MMORPG with 'friends' instead of rankings. It is also a form of virus, the name being derived from a reference to the "Book of Life". The index alone features extrapolations on many topics formally considered much, much more evil than mere symbolic mythology. An investigation by the CIA by their special agent Mr. Smith has revealed that Facebook is actually a cult of the Undead, plotting to overthrow the Earth. As more people are born with faces, James Bond steals them and increases its power.

This might be all made up since it was found on the internet. But other theories suggest that Facebook was actually the first thing ever to be on the internet. Although, since it was created in a past where there were time machines, it was actually created in the future of the past, which is the present. In doing so, the evil goblin-like creators of the website have fucked up the space time continuum so, if we try to leave Facebook, we will fade and die like Marty McFly's dad in that photo in Back to the Future.

Either that, or as your moms some speculate a Massively Role-playing Online Pokémon The object being, of course to "Kill 'Em All". Then again, that's only a speculation...

It could also be described as a tool so that your teachers can meddle with your home life outside of school, bitch you out for not doing your homework, and generally make your life miserable.

Facebook is...something?

Most probably.

Why use facebook?

The age old question is why do people use facebook? Well after at least 100 years of thinking about it, many believe they have the answer.

People use facebook to cover up the fact they have no friends, they feel very insecure about this, so they fall back on an interweb where they can brag about having friends. Users can then compete to see who has the most friends. The current record is held by <insert name here> with 1 friend.

Rumour has it that the owner of Facebook hides subliminal messages in superior social networking sites encouraging idiots to get facebook.

Creeping

Facebook was created for the very purpose of creeping the people close and far from you. Creeping itself has been around since 1604 when it was first discovered by a man with a telescope. Before facebook creeping was only accomplished via hiding in bushes, and was only for people who could hide themselves a good bush but today, thanks to the ingenuity that is Facebook, anyone can do it. Creeping uses up approximately 99.7% of facebook's capacity. Because of the popularity of creeping, facebook developed features to optimize creeping time. These features are:

  • Search - enables quick location of a person to creep, and access to people you are not friends with.
  • Highlights - this is on the side of a homepage and shows events, pictures, notes etc. you may wish to creep or would like others to creep.
  • Next - the next button at the top of a full size picture.
  • Unlimited history - the ability to creep someone right back to the first day they got facebook.
  • Apps - these are used by big companies to creep many people to acquire valuable statistics.

These are the things used to creep, stalk, and stealthily follow other Facebook users at will, and kill them.

  • The like button - another excuse to spam and annoy the shit out of people.
  • Farmville - the facebook propagana app that is based on a communist commune farm that believes in Marxist communism...which involves farming.

Use by Australian Terrorist Groups

A certain Australian terrorist group uses Facebook to target possible slaves to work on their cotton plantations. Generally you will become a target if you spend more than 5 minutes a day on it, have less than 5 friends, and play Farmville, because generally that means you won't be missed. Farmville is actually an introductory course in agriculture to make you a better cotton-picker. You are then picked up in a helicopter and taken to Australia to a) work the farms or b) sing at the Sydney Opera House every day of your miserable rotten life. They also want to rip off your face and put it in a book, get it? BAHAHA!!! The like feature is a secret thing that keeps track of all the things people like in the internet and it becomes generated into stuff called Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. Facebook is used by Australian spies to keep track of what the average American likes and see how we can spam the shit out of certain people.

Effects of Facebook

There is a growing population of people affected by visiobibliophobia as a direct result of Facebook's existence. Facebook has been scientifically proven to cause severe brain death, reducing a student to an enslaved, shambling monstrosity within mere seconds of joining the website. All their time is then taken up by joining useless clubs that only serve to express how much they love Facebook.

Facebook also has a high addiction rate. It is widely believed that when accessing Facebook, invisible cigarette fumes leak out of computer speakers and monitors. Thousands of users log on to Facebook without logging off for days, and others are unable to not check it everyday. It is currently being researched, while Mark Zuckerbitch is being put on trial.

Facebook has also been linked to the higher likelihood of the carrier developing patterned behavior of substance abuse, mostly related to alcohol and depression. Carriers of the Facebook gene spread their mutation by posting drunken pictures of themselves and others on the Internet in a process known as "tagging." Facebook has also been linked with several psycho-social conditions, including paranoia, schizophrenia, and listening to Sufjan Stevens.

The University of Mongolia released a 2079 report into the effects of Facebook's decision to display its users DNA strands. The report alleged clones were being made on the basis of information on the website, but that due to Facebook's famous inability to display the number "2", they were being made with no limbs or noses. The report has yet to be verified, but a workforce of limbless, noseless morons are piecing through the findings and will come to a conclusion within the next millennium.

There is a growing population of people affected by visiobibliophobia as a direct result of Facebook's existence.

Big Brother

At the start of September 2006, Big Brother took over Facebook, and as part of the world's backlash against Steve Irwin's death, decided to inform everyone on Facebook of their friends' every move. That was used by some liberal government to cut back on careless mistake, such as the rising increase of crocidile accidents and aligator related deaths in 2005. That informs the world of helping protect other people and increases awarness about the dangers of crocidiles.

BigBrother

Current owner and operator of Facebook

For example, the average user can now know with a simple view of their Facebook homepage that:

  • Their best friend opted to join the "I hate Oscar Wilde" group and declined their invitation to their newly created "Grue Lovers" group at 8:15 pm (when they said they wouldn't be home)
  • Megan T. removed "fuzzy socks" from her interests at 10:37 pm.
  • James B. replied to a post in the "I'm a closet terrorist" group at 6:28 pm.
  • Lisa H. complained about her history professor in a note posted at 3:35 pm (ironically during her history class).
  • At least 5 of their friends are in constant relationship flux (signifying extreme Borderline Personality Disorder) going from "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "In A Relationship" to "Single" again within 15 minutes.
  • Little Kate P. from that high school down the street from them will be attending an event nearby at 11 p.m. tomorrow night (hint: now would be a good time to "borrow" some stuff from her place).
  • Laura F. and Maria S. stalked new interns for employment at for Furher's Hitler Youth Nazi program.
  • Little Johnny is now a fan of Pullups Diapers, even though Little Johnny is 21.

The aim of this exercise is uncertain, but it seems to be a ploy mainly to make everyone extremely paranoid and piss them off in equal measures along with giving the ones who created this practice a laugh. One theory is because 3/4 of people love Facebook (And 3/4 of people are appearantly retarded), Big Brother thought it would be doubleplus good to allow Facebook users to express themselves as if anybody gave a good God Damn about what they think. Of course, this is also thoughtcrime. When Big Brother takes over the world in about 3 years, all those involved in Facebook will be put to death, or forced to quit and go make real friends.

Facebook Applications

Facebook makes their cash by making every aspect of the site secretly advertising. These advertisements are usually called 'applications' and consist of asking you to send all your friends advertisements for the advertisements, then spamming your notifications box and theirs with pointless crap that nobody will ever read. Apple has got in the act and created the AppStore, which is using all the Facebook apps for a profit. This has been called the most genius marketing move ever by Luciferian Businessman magazine, and was rated as second best by Devil's Advocate eMagazine, right after billboards with Chuck Norris. As of 2010 the only webpages that still exist on the internet all have applications available on Facebook. Some of the application's are, super poke pets, happy aqurium, happy pets, mafia wars, zoo world, bumper sticker, and daily photo. There are many more and you can know them all if you just go on facebook. What are you doing here reading about it? Just go on it and find out for yourself! Most of the applications on Facebook are made by the evil software company Zygna, which tried to create their own video games, but didn't have enough employees so they actually let Facebook take it over. Facebook bought Zygna in 2008 and made all the applications free. Before 2008, this applications were used as a spamming technique from other sites and are used to get free ringtones with special offers for trips to North Korea. After Kim Jung Ill abolished his trips, he asked the communist government to send state owned currency to Facebook to actually create propaganda on the book Animal Farm with the game Farmville. Farmville is based on commune farming and it was his way to promote Marxist practices. Farmville was claimed to be a global pandemic and the economy rose at the use of Farmville coins created jobs all across the country for people not boosting the ecomomy by playing Farmville. Kids dropped out of college and grades were affected by Farmville time.

Determining one's worth as a person based on Facebook

Facebook relationship

Facebook can serve as a gauge for evaluating worth as a human being. This can have dramatic and lasting consequences, as many who have failed to consider themselves worthwhile human beings by this definition have often sunk into traumatic and suicidal depressive cycles, eventually resulting in a lightly-publicized Internet suicide and the source of a temporal fad for about three months.

Similar to the MySpace Algorithm, worth is determined by a point system based on a combination of factors, including the number of groups one belongs to, the number of people to whom one has never spoken to before listed as "friends", the number of photo albums that involve heavy use of drugs or alcohol, and the number of wall posts one possesses.

A person’s worth may be artificially boosted through the use of alternate profile images. Physical unattractiveness may be hidden by posting a cartoon or other avatar in place of a personal photograph. A photograph that shows the person alongside one or more hotter people may also be used. Viewers may confuse the person with one of their hotter friends or, at the very least, it will indicate that the person is a member of a more attractive league.

If a sense of personal identity is completely lacking, a photograph of one’s baby may be used instead. If a person is childless, they may use a photo of their pet—preferably one in which the animal is young. However, these tactics should only be used in extreme cases where the person’s worth is truly lower than that of the non-verbal, physically and mentally challenged creature.


Facebookapplications

Application whores love to send invitations to others to add useless applications

Pariah

John mccain's facebook

John McCain's Facebook

A user may be known as a Facebook Pariah if he or she has performed one of the following actions:

  • Rejected another user who genuinely has had little or no contact with the Pariah.
  • Removed another user from the friend list who confirmed friend details more than 3 months ago.
  • Does not have drunk pictures of himself or herself posted for all to ridicule.
  • Is listed as "single" but is not listed as "looking for a relationship".
  • Is listed as "married" and really is married.
  • Belongs to fewer than 12 Facebook groups.
  • Has a profile purposely made to be boring.
  • The education and work section is actually a real job and a real school.
  • The person is at work working when he is at his place of employment, not Facebooking.
  • Likes only boring interests like hunting, kayaking, travel, sports, computers, politics, and the like.
  • Has under 25 fan pages
  • Political views are the actual registered political party.
  • Religious view is claimed to be a true religion.
  • Updates status only once a day or less
  • Has a "favorite book" listed that is actually his/her favorite book, and not something pretentious designed to impress everyone else (e.g. anything by Sartre).
  • Has not changed his or her Facebook picture for more than 7 days.
  • Does not have at least three friends who they claim to have "hooked up" with but really mean it as a joke.
  • Has fewer than 12 Facebook applications.
  • Has limited his or her search privacy.

Whore

A profile picture that is similar to this one is a good indication that your "friend" may be a MySpace Facebook Whore F**King Bitch!

Similarly, a user may be known as a Facebook Whore if he or she has performed one of the following actions:

  • Has a wall with more than 1,000 posts on it.
  • Has stolen more than five people's Facebook Wall Virginity.
  • Has more than a tenth of the student population listed as his/her friends.
  • Has a profile that is longer than most professional resumes.
  • Regularly posts more than 5 sentences on a single post on a wall or discussion board.
  • Has more than 3 discussion topics in the same group in relation to sex, drugs, alcohol, wrestling, fat people or old men.
  • Accepts all friend requests from whomever they find 'sexy'.
  • Has a 'Facebook STI'.
  • Updates Top Friends every day, and switches all friends in the list.
  • No more than three days passes without an update on the user's profile.
  • Updates status on every mood change and/or "what I had for lunch."
  • Comments on someone's photo.
  • Has more than 2 sentences in the section "about me."
  • Has more than 2 emails posted on their profile.
  • Puts many photos of himself or herself to be a showoff.
  • In the section "interests" includes 'sex', 'stripping', 'adding people that I don't know'.
  • Joins every network or adds all applications of their friends.
  • Writes an inappropriate word anywhere on the profile.
  • Has more than 20 pictures taken on the same day posted on their profile.
  • Loves to tag people in photos even though it's not even them
  • All people categorized as such are most certainly gay or female.
  • Has suicidal thoughts when they forget their password.

Failure

File:Bookinface.jpg

A user may be known as a Facebook Failure (and possibly an Internet Failure)(or Facebook Nazi)(and needless to say a Life Failure) if he or she has performed one of the following actions:

  • Is shown to be "online" at 3:00 in the morning.
  • Spams on other people's walls.
  • Hides his or her 'the Wall' box in a trash load of other applications.
  • Does not have 'the Wall' on their profile.
  • Has a profile that takes more than 20 seconds to load (on 54.0 Mbps speed)[which is (54/8)*20s [135MB]]
  • Uses java script which made your mom's pentium 2 overheat and explode
  • Uses java script which made it easier for application developers to spam
  • talking to the wall
  • Is a daily user of any application by Chainn Inc. (e.g. Compare People, Testimonials, Social Profile, No Mercy, Sparkey, Circle of Trust, Friend Adviser).
  • In the profile, writes "I'm a hottie," "I'm very sexy," "I'm attracted to myself," or of any variation.
  • Has www.facebook.com on his or her favorites in more than one folder.
  • Is too busy to get on with life because of Facebook.
  • Writes on random walls just to seek some attention.
  • Uses more than 7 different applications on the same day.
  • Lists fifteen or more bands under his or her "Favorite Music".
  • Lists every movie watched in the last 4 months under his or her "favorite movies".
  • Has a profile typed in aLt CaPs.
  • Has a number of Friends greater than or equal to 25% of the university's total student population.
  • Has more than 100 friends that they do not know in person.
  • Has more than one Facebook account in regular use.
  • Name is listed as John ThisIsReallyAnnoying Doe.
  • Is in the top 1000 rank on a popular Facebook application.
  • Forwards more than five FunWall or SuperWall posts to all his or her friends per week.
  • Lists anything to do with Bart Simpson under his or her profile.
  • Has parts of other people's profiles in their own.
  • Mother sends friend request.
  • Logs on more than once in a day, for over 5 minutes at a time.
  • Has entire photo albums full of their moronic drunken friends fake pouting.
  • Goes to Facebook for the intent of finding a husband/wife.
  • Say that they are in a relationship with another man, even when they're not gay (debatable).
  • Is a man that uses :) or :( of any variation in a post.
  • Has liked their own status/es

Controversy

Facebook Versus Efficiency Many scholars have studied historical accounts of student life during the "Pre-Facebook" Era and have come to the conclusion that these students used their time much more efficiently. Some documentation seems to show that in this mysterious era students did not spent a large proportion of their study time telling others needlessly through the medium of social networking sites of their dislike of studying and other academic endeavours. Studies have shown that this action takes up to 70 percent of the average student's study time. Further studies have shown that if students chose not to update their statuses several times a day, with statements to the effect of "Studying is gay", that they would in fact complete their work much quicker and that other Facebook users would not hate them as much.

Allegations of use as a tool for stalkers

File:Asad2.jpg

In recent years, Facebook has been accused by critics as a tool for stalkers. This claim was further exacerbated in June 2006 when the American Stalker's Union selected Facebook as their favourite website, defeating big contenders like Wikipedia, Google Pages, and Cameras In Your Shower!!!!!! in a site-wide popularity contest. Delighted Facebook executives believe this is because of their new Facebook: Stalker Edition™. Indeed, one in four college murders has been linked with Facebook; a highly publicized case at Wheeling Jesuit University brought this contention further into the limelight when a victim's face was mutilated and a dark blue question mark drawn on instead.

Facebook has consistently refuted these charges, claiming that ritually tracking a person's every movement is too narrow a definition to be classified as "stalking." "So a couple of thousand of college and high school kids are masturbating to pictures of their roommate's girlfriends; what's the big deal?" said Facebook spokesperson "Peeping" Tom Bundy.

"The privacy settings allow users to go offline, so many people may assume that a member is offline, while in reality, they are online masturbating all day without the person in the picture's consent"... In response to Tom Bundy's statement, the tabloid "Enquirer" reported that a lawsuit was filed to the order of Richardo Simmons when he was caught looking at his producer's Facebook pictures while masturbating. He was actually coincidentally caught by his producer Jim. Richardo Simmons is his alias of course and we all know his real name is Richardo-o. This just shows that creeps are all over Facebook with fake names and aliases with sex in mind.

It must be noted that in some circles, Facebook is regarded as a "Tool for Vengeance".

Some people believe that facebook was basically created for the same purpose as World Of Warcraft: World Domination. it even uses the same methods; slowly draining the average human of life, until they have enough mindless zombies to take over the different governments of the world by force.(although World Of Warcraft only uses nerd for their armies, which make the facebook scheme far more potent) this is highly likely, since the amount of quizes that is being taken on facebook confirms the fact that everyone that has a facebook account basicly are mindless zombies.

Discrimination against people without friends

The US Supreme Court has banned facebook because it is unconstitutional. This ban have being lifted after facebook started showing the friend count and have a highscores list of people with the most friends added.

File:Facebook-YDIW.jpg

Mandatory Contents of a Facebook Page

Each person who has a Facebook account is required by the commitee and by law in some states to have the following on their Facebook profile:

1. At least 2 photos of some vehicle, at least 5 pictures with your best friend, at least 5 pictures of party, 10 pictures of your family members, 1 annoying roommate picture, and 1 picture of you in some type of swimwear, along with at least 500 pictures of you tagged with your BFF. 2. You must be engaged or married with someone at all times. The same sex the better. 3. You can choose the option to be interested in Men and Women. 4. You must include your best friends as your sibling and include every one of their parents too. 5. You must have the relatives app installed to show how you are related. 6. Interests must include the most random likes out there and must include over 300 likes. 7. Your bio must be some cheesy list of random facts about you. No formal bio. 8. You have to pretend you work in our crappy economy. 9. Your education must be pretentious and prestigious and must be a member of Harvard at some time in your life.

Versions of Facebook

Facebook 1.0 - Fratbook Facebook 2.0 - AnnoyingAppBook Facebook 3.0 - MySpaceBook Facebook 4.0 - SpyBook

See Also

External Links

Personal tools
projects