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To live forever, you must do a number of things to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster. One of many on the list is eat as much toothpaste as you possibly can but I will not explain why until I get to step eleven.
HowTo: Get Started Edit
Step One Edit
If you have completed the previous task, you may move on to this step. Now, buy a bucket of tuna flavored pudding and ingest. If you ingest correctly, the Grim Reaper will appear and slap you up-side-the-head and wander off. If you didn't die from death's touch, you are on your way to living forever.
Step Two Edit
Now, invite a Grue or two (and maybe a couple friends too) over to a party at your place. When the Grues get to your place first (because they always do), say something to the grue in Grue Language. Now if you say that the other grue called him a twit, the grue will most likely attack the other grue and eat it. However, since Grues can't eat other Grues, the other one will asplode. You now have learned the meaning of the "Butterfly Effect".
Step Three Edit
Prank call a known ex-child molester or ex-rapist and tell them to go rape their mother. Knowing them, they will. Then, wait eleven to twenty-seven years. After the allotted time has passed, you should hear a knock on your door. you WILL answer it. If not, you will be assaulted by the convict and raped to death. So, OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR! When you open the door, you will be greeted by the ex-con, who is holding a gun, and he will say hello, point the gun at himself, and pull the trigger. You will then learn the meaning of irony.
Step Four Edit
NOTE: THIS STEP IS VERY IMPORTANT!
At first, you will wonder why Pluto is not a planet. You will then go online and blog about how bad Pluto must feel. Then Jay Leno's Chin will log on to its PC, blog about how it should be a planet, and hack Skynet's Macintosh. Skynet will then get very pissed when it finds out and Judgment Day will happen. You will somehow survive, meet John Connor, and blow the hell out of the eastern hemisphere of the planet. Somehow, "they" will find you and tell you that you were in a coma; YOU WON'T BELIEVE THEM! You will learn to trust no one.
Step Five Edit
You will wake up in the hospital with amnesia. Repeat steps one through four to proceed. You will then need to eat at the Olive Garden in Trenton, New Jersey with Jay Leno's Chin. You will pay the bill and a 25% tip. The Chin will then offer you a job on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. YOU WILL ACCEPT! After the first episode with Jay, you will get fired. You will then flamethrower Jay Leno's many, many, many places of residence. You will then be arrested and put in jail for thirty looooong years. You would have stayed in thirty more, but you got paroled. You will learn that good luck is like lightning, it can strike anywhere.
Step Six Edit
You will have a dream that you are trapped inside a Super Nintendo game. You will wind up bugging out when you face the final boss and you will be trapped in something like the Ping of Death. You will wake up screaming like a small child, and see the exact same boss on your television screen, and your screen will be flashing "GAME OVER". You will then walk over to your Wii and turn it off. You will then learn fiction and reality aren't that far apart.
Step Seven Edit
NOTE:This step involves a lot of blood and gore, so, for those of a more sensitive nature, skip to step eleven. Also, you need a headset.
Log on to Star Trek Online and sign in under <insert name here> with the password of punkymuffin86. Choose a Vulcan character and get to work in someone's game. By the time you are finished, the account will be banned. When the account holder finds out, he will be pissed. So, YOU MUST BE PREPARED! In a month's time, you will hear a pounding sound on the door. Go get a 10-gauge shotgun and hide in the basement. After five minutes, you will hear an explosion upstairs; it is the police. They received a report of a hacking (which can be considered theft and/or terrorism) and are at
the source your house , to find the hacker you . They will catch you, but you will escape while en route to the courthouse. You will then live out some time in Canada while the cops simmer down.
Step Eight Edit
Dial 867-5309 in on any telephone. Once you have reached the number, you will be greeted by a person named Timmy; tell him you are agent Mulder of the CIA. If he believes you, tell him to wire at least $10,000 to a bank account in North Korea. Nuclear missiles will then fall on Switzerland.
Step Nine Edit
You will sit home all day and watch C-SPAN. This step teaches you nothing but political science, so disregard this step, unless you plan to do the next step.
Step Ten Edit
You will be watching the news and see that Arnold "Ahnuld" Schwarzenegger has become a paraplegic. You will then travel to Sacramento to run for governor. When you get there, you will see that no one is running because California is passing a new gay rights legislation. So, that makes you winner by default. You will then make your first act of governor by banning the California Cows from shooting milk commercials in California, thus making the Pet dairy company a direct buyer of commercial time with California's name. Then, you will order Los Angeles to be burned to the ground. This will drop your approval rating to 30%. To junk the last 30%, kill all the homos in San Francisco. Since San Francisco is mostly homo anyway, drop a neutron bomb on the place and kill everyone. Then you will be impeached, and California will be out of the way because it fell off the map from all of the political instability and earthquakes.
Step Eleven (Failure's "HowTo: Get Started")Edit
As you recall, you need to do this step if you failed to complete "HowTo: Get Started". So, this is a failure's "HowTo: Get Started" in some sort of idiotic way.
Now, since this is two steps from the end, this is the next-to-next-to last step. You will receive a package in the mail addressed to the U.S. Senate. DO NOT OPEN IT! If you do, skip to the last step. You will return it to the post office and the postmaster will give you a jar of "Colgate" brand toothpaste (immediately ingest it, for it is non-flammable and it will make you fireproof). You will step outside and smoke a Marlboro/Tahoe/Winston/Camel and throw the butt on the ground. You will step out to your <insert vehicle here> and notice that your keys aren't in your pocket. You will turn to go to the now burning post office. You will leave your car for the post office and get your keys. You will learn an important thing; DO NOT BE SO CARELESS! It is essential to live "forever".
Step Twelve Edit
This is somewhat the last step to living forever. First, go to Canada. Then, buy some of their Canadian Bacon that I hear is so delicious. Then buy a box about the size of a ham hock. Then, load the box with flour, send it to Eminem, wait three days, and check your mail. When you check your mail, there will be a golden medallion in it. On it will be inscribed "To a very moral and wise person." Put it on, and ,as long as it is on you, you will live a longer lifespan.
Thirteen Unlucky Number Edit
If you did step eleven incorrectly, run for senate and intercept the package. The package is an idea for a new bill. You will propose the bill and the bill will become step thirteen when it is passed by congress.