|This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.|
Lindsay Lohan is a gigantic fire breathing dragon that premeried in the movie firebreather on Cartoon Network and was in many japanese and chinese myth's since she's about 20 million years old.She had teamed up with Charlie Sheen and robbed two Men's Warehouse's and burned them down with her firebreath so that there was no evidence.
The Religion (Ass & Nipple Slips)
“If you call me a porn star - ever again - I will find your dad and, and he will fuck me in public.”
Lindsay blowhand I mean Lohan started as a young Japanese escort to very famous smuckers executives, because of her blowjobs I mean talent they decided to let her have a shot in Disney. Because old men who masturbate liked her allot I mean little kids took a liking to her she became the face of Disney. Disney moved fast to put her face everywhere on packs of cigarettes, condoms, some more condoms and lunchables. Her success was evident and the company had their hands on a star.
Lindsay took her fame to a new level, while sucking mostly cocks and pussies to get to where she is, this new level of extreme fame involved flashing the nips, ass, or pussy. Only two other stars had successfully pulled this new level of fame off they died of overdoses five minutes later. Lindsay however being protected by the innocent bubble that Disney wraps its stars in protected her from the dangers of this new level of fame.
In her spare time, she enjoys chugging on male [[penis] and getting pumped in the ass ], which is good for all males, especially this male, but not a whale! ...Well... maybe...
Lindsay Lohan is Latin (Linsisius Lohanises) and translates directly into All Your Base Are Belong To Us, which is a metaphor for the religion - perhaps further evidence of the Devil's desire to enslave the world. Lindsay Lohanism often takes over smaller religions and/or institutions, people, schools, pets, pencil sharpeners, and banana factories. She uses the bananas from these factories in exotic masturbation rituals also involving Jessica Alba
She is always seen by paparazzi playing with dildos, Hello Kitty Vibrators, Star Wars lightsabers and dirty GMILF magazines. Most are not sure of the significance of these items, however she sure enjoys them.
Miss Lohan is a huge fan of Steve Winwood, whom was shot dead near Lohan's birthplace in Brooklyn, New York. Lohan loves being a total nerd and was formally educated. She moved to her current house to cause trouble, like all New Yorkers do to escape overcrowding back east.
Powers of Persuasion
It is widely known that Lindsay Lohan holds a number of powers, among which are believed to be the ability to clone herself, or at least duplicate herself for a period of time; the ability to exchange bodies with another person; the ability to cause significant memory loss upon the watching of her movies, particularly where she appears naked or is engaged in sexual activity; the ability to gain wisdom from an 8-ball (although this is not an uncommon power); the ability to infect others with herpes (also not an uncommon power); and the ability to command millions of devoted followers, particularly those 12 years or older (mostly through a combination of the above powers). All of these powers are believed to be in aid to take over the world, or, as Lindsay calls it, "Win an Oscar". It should also be noted that Lindsay Lohan doesn't change facial expressions - perhaps there is some sort of power in her facial expression as well.
Lohan said seriously them for in so much qu' actress, to add, "He hoped is taken; I hate him when m' people; a teenager queen."; to call. She addressed the many romantic rumors ("Me weet now I don't need a boyfriend. All I want are regular sex partners. If I loved one, I'll keep doing him as well as other hot nerd guys.") and its weight loss ("I will say that I went by a phase. I lost myself at this time the weight in hospital was, and at this time please hold me to him off.").
Lindsay Lohan has seven mortal enemies: Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, Brandon Davis, Zorxog lord of the underworld, Michelle Obama, and Scorpion Eminem. These people are non-New Yorkers. Although Lindsay is widely recognized as either the Devil, the Devil's spawn or the Devil's minion, few believe that Hilary Duff or Paris Hilton are in any way connected to God or Jesus (although it should be pointed out that Hilary did try to steal Jesus' handbag). It is thought that perhaps Paris is also the Devil's spawn, also sent here to try & enslave the planet just in case Lindsay doesn't succeed, or has the ability to enslave the world faster than Lindsay (both seem to have the ability to have the same facial expression all the time, which may be significant). No one is quite sure where Hilary Duff comes into this all - and to be honest, no one cares. Eminem became one of Lindsay Lohan's mortal enemies when he stole her gravy. that she used to " satisfy " herself with. She launched a vudoo doll company on Michelle Obama called "Vudoo Mama Juju Co." as her drug dealing name is Mama Juju
Hilary Duff is also known to have stolen Lindsay's handbag, which Hilary believed held the key to Lindsay's evil powers, and ultimately could lead to her defeat. Unfortunately for Hilary (and perhaps the entire world), Lindsay got the handbag back. Not that anyone cared, because no one listens to Hilary Duff anyway.
In a twist of fate, on the evening of May 23, 2006, Brandon Davis ate Lindsay Lohan's evil handbag.
In another twist of fate, she suffered an injury involving an uppercut, most likely Scorpion's.
Prophecies say that one day she and Paris Hilton will have a final encounter (to be shown live on pay per view) in which one will be cast into the Lake of Fire (or B Movies perhaps) and the other will reign in heaven!
Lindsay vs. Paris
Slight disagreements about exactly what happened at a party recently - Lindsay Lohan did or didn't go up to Paris Hilton's table where Paris was sitting talking to some friends, then either nothing else happened, or the two exchange words face to face - at this point either nothing else happened, or they went off to a private room together and made beautiful music together.
If something did happen then at this point Lindsay jumped on top of Paris, either they then rolled around on the floor or around in bed - if on the floor of the club then blows were exchanged, if on the bed then kisses. Lindsay was then on top of Paris, either pummeling her or sticking her fingers up her vagina, either way flesh was pressing on flesh. It was heard from the next door room that they heard pineapples, yes pineapples, being shoved up their vaginas. I mean WTF???
The fight/love making escalated when crabs were introduced, as it is generally believed that Herpes was the calling card of the Devil. Lindsay threw some of her crabs on Paris and Paris lobbed some herpes back at Lindsay. And then they both got so yeasty, they decided to bake bread with their vagina's, which just leads to some disgusting shit.
Some say that Lindsay is a witch well it is true because she went Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry she teamed up with Lord Voldemort and tried to kill Harry Potter but lohan ran away because James Potter held a wand at her face and threatned her so she ran away broke her wand on purpose and went into hiding. |- ! ! Lindsay Lohan ! Paris Hilton |- ! Height | 5' 5" | 5' 8" |- ! Income | Rollin' in the Benjamins. | Trust Fund brat. |- ! Movies | 'I know who killed me,' I know who killed your acting career. | One famous porno. |- ! Relationships | So many, fear of abandonment. | Any guy, she's a slut. |- ! Whore Rating | Likely to catch STD. | Very likely to have STD. |- ! Weight | Suffered bulimia. | Anorexic. |- ! Public Image | Girl next door (okay, she was at one time). | Girl next alley way. |}
This scary moment in history began in 2003, when Lindsay Lohan sang the track on the Freaky Friday soundtrack "Ultimate (Use of a Computer to Make Me Sound Good.)", which brainwashed 12 year old girls into liking her.
She followed that up with a disastrous scene in the hit Heathers-wannabe movie Sluttly Girlz, where she ruins Jingle Bell Rock, and encourages others to do the same.
Clive Davis (Satan) finally realized he could sell sex with someone other than Kelly Clarkson and Hilary Duff and hired her.
Her first record Speak, debuted with the lead single, "Tumors." The single got hot airplay but was rejected by critics because of it's subject matter, which was obviously about brain tumors. She also released singles such as "Bend Over" and "I Wanna Cum First".
Her second record was released in 2005, A Little More Annoying (No Raw Vocals at All) was released with the lead single "Confessions of a Broken Ass (I Fucked My Father)", surprisingly, the single did not go over as well as Li-Ho's camp would have thought, as incest is only okay in the Simpson family in Hollywood.
Lindsay Lohan is currently the queen of the firecrotch, and it is said that her genitalia has the power to brainwash thousands at a time. Her clitoris was responsible for the destruction of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. I mean, she takes off her clothes and everyone is under her control just like that.
Of course, this isn't an entirely bad experience. Not at all. I mean, who doesn't want to be spellbound by that?
Still has a great ass, lips and breasts - the sort every man wants to have to hand to fondle and kiss and generally resting on their face - although still looks a bit like jail bait. If the Devil did in fact design this temptress, he/she could not have done a better job.
She has yet to win an Oscar, so humanity still lives for the time being.
To help fund her drug habit, she now sells her panties on ebay. She has yet to get any negative feedback from her buyers.
Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for not attending drug education classes. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. In September 2010, she was sent back to her lesbian prison, for not wearing a bra in public.
Lindsay commonly likes to stay at Southern California Rehabs, when asked why, she said that there were no hot surfer boys at the one in Utah.
When she entered Betty Ford Clinc in California in September 2010, she said all of the hot shirtless guys, she stripped down to her thong and said yum, then had a drug free orgy. Then ran out for some Coke, which turned out to be the soda.
In early 2011 Lohan briefly reversed in on herself and destroyed the world as we know it. The universe then imploded and formed a small fungi that resembled Perez Hilton's face. It was later revealed that the incident was a hoax. Scientific results concluded that Perez Hilton is a genuine type of fungus. Further evidence was found that proved Lohan was a strange array of pubes and alkaline from an eveready battery. The universe was alleged to be made of Ted Turner's smegma. The latter has never been proved. Lohan denied comment on the hoax.
Lohan over the years has morphed from a sex bomb, into a strange frail skeleton like creature. It is unknown if she will survive the winter. This may be due to being away from Hell itself for a prolonged period of time, having a detrimental affect on Lindsay's crafted body. This is quite likely, as it is the reason why Mary-Kate Olsen has anorexia (she is the evil one of The Olsen Twins). If this is the case, many believe that Lindsay will have to try and "Win an Oscar" soon before she is too weak to do so.
Over the years more and more information about Lindsay's anatomy has been gathered and divulged with the public. Mostly this has just served to fuel most people's desire to get with her, or if they are 12 and already have gotten with her, make them want a second round.
For the past five years, Lindsay has been coloring her hair crazy. When asked about it she said it was because she wanted to blend in, but realized that she couldn't and then fucked Adrian Grenier. In the same interview, she said the reason why she only wears black nail polish is to hide cocaine in her nails.
Relationship with Samantha Ronson
See sexual intercourse.
Lindsay has appeared in several successful films, television shows, and sexually compromising positions with a hint of cilantro. It is well known that it is Lindsay Lohan's ambition to win an Oscar - some believe that this is clear evidence of the Devil wanting to gain control of mankind, Lindsay being the Devil and an "Oscar" being a metaphor for the human race. Others dispute this, but clearly point out that it would, in fact, be the Apocalypse if Lindsay ever did win an Oscar.
The Parent Crap (1998)
Lindsay was only 12 years old during the making of this film, and as such had to duplicate herself to create enough power to control the audiences (and to plant the seeds with which to control the human race eventually). However this was ill advised as two Lindsay's were far too powerful, and it is believed that many came out of the cinema with brain damage after viewing this movie. Most credible sources say that this movie had something to do with trapping the parental father in compromising positions of gratuitous sex with his underage daughters, however most are too scared to view the movie to check if this was in fact the case, as they risk the aforementioned brain damage.
Lindsay killed her duplicate three months after the movie, in fear that she would outsmart her.
Life Size (2000)
Get A Clue (2002)
Fucking Friday (2003)
Lindsay once again returned to the big screen in 2003 with Disney's cinematic equivalent of the holocaust, Fucking Friday. In it, Lindsay played Jamie Lee Curtis' daughter, where the two exchanged bodies for a short period of time. Clearly unhappy with the wholly unsuitable body of Jamie Lee Curtis, they changed back. Experts are unsure as to how often Lindsay can change bodies with others - some say that although it is a useful gift, Lindsay's body possesses a host of weapons (among other things) that she is reluctant to give others control to.
The film, however, was a huge success and led to Lohan's first Oscar nomination due to the academy's members mistaking her part for a severely autistic crack whore. The award, however, went to Nicole Kidman who is, ironically enough, an actual autistic crack whore.
Confessions of a Teenage Cum Whore (2004)
Conceived as a biopic, Confessions of a Teenage Cum Whore, is about her days as a 12 year old hooker on the streets of Long Island, fucking men from Brooklyn with scuzzy beards and guns in their pockets. Her vagina is still injured from the making of this movie, but Lohan says its worth it to have tasted all that cum.
Meat Girls (2004)
Lindsay's "breakout" role, so to speak, was in 2004, with her portrayal as a new girl in high school in Meat Girls. The movie was about teenage girls carrying out vindictive acts of sex upon one another, mostly in the local butcher shop. Lindsay starred as a girl who could link her own sausage, if you know what I mean. (I think you do.) Her performance was well received by many film critics, however although many rate this film reasonably high on the "Best Porno's of All Time" list at number 23, no-one can actually recall exactly what happened in the movie. This seems to be a common trait in her movies - some believe that she has the power to make people forget things upon the sight of her naked body, performing acts of sex, or delicious, delicious sideboob.
Just My Fuck (2006)
This movie is about a young woman who is the best slut in town. Suddenly, this new hooker, played by Brenda Song shows up who is a total virgin. Lindsay faces stiff competition. A witch doctor switches their experiences, and hilarity ensues. Who will cum out on top? Find out by watching the film.
A Prairie Ho Companion (2006)
A period piece set in a 19th century British colonial island in the Specific Ocean, in which Lindsey plays a Cockney Goth prostitute on vacation on the "Island of No Return...no seriously we didn't just pick a quaint sounding name it's riddled with zombies and mad doc... aw screw it, why do we even bother". She is unaware that the island is also home to the evil Baron Dr.Leo Bomburst who plans to test his experimental ninja zombie army on a group of country singers. Mayhem and Zombie Killing ensue.
Lohan is kidnapped by Bomburst and tortured by being forced to watch those episodes of Monty Python that weren't really funny or memorable, and every one of M. Night Shyamallammadingdongs just... just really awful movies. Okay fine, Unbreakable was passing, but everything else was just so, so terrible. He then feeds her stale popcorn which he has farted on. Like really smelly rank farts. He goes into a monologue, in which he explains his plan to raise an army of Super Ninja Robot zombies, which he will use in an organ stealing pyramid scheme. Due to his affliction with adult ADD he keeps getting distracted, the speech which, would normally take 35 seconds, lasts a full 20 minutes.
Eventually she is freed by Ving Rhames, the commander of the 4th Squadron of the Zombie Extermination Battalion. The Evil Baron is killed and a battle scene of Return of the King type proportions begins. This regrettably drained the films remaining budget and the scene, originally planned to extend 75 minutes, lasted a mere 4.3.
The remainder of the movie, recorded on a hand held camera, consists of Lindsay spending 60 minutes recounting her remaining experiences on the island with Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Rael, and Nobel Prize winning Physicist Richard Feynman.....'s brain-eating zombie. Because he's dead. Richard Feynman... seriously? You people have no idea who he is? Son of a... why do I even bother.
A movie where she runs around in a bikini with a crummy plot about saving a Nihilistic Penguin.
This is the story of several people being effected by the death of Heath Ledger. As his dying wish, he asks that his sons, Mario and Luigi, now twin Dons of the Toadstool Crime Family, exterminate Booby, a Penguin who controls the academy awards. The Penguin stumbles upon Lindsay Lohan who stars as Bodyguard/Hitwoman, Chesty McBoobsalot who offers to protect him if he promises to help her win a Best Actress. Hilarity ensues. No really it does, I'm serial you guys.
Anyway, they run and drive around a lot in various states of undress, until Luigi calls them. Tired of living in his brothers shadow, he offers to call the hit off of Booby if he and Chesty agree to help assassinate Mario. Mario is tricked into going to the middle of a mushroom field where Chesty, aided by Enforcers from the Koopa Family attack him with Fireballs, Hammers, and Giant slow moving bullets. Mario escapes, but is ultimately garroted by Booby who was lying in wait in his car.
Luigi kills Booby anyway explaining that you did kill my brother, you fucking penguin. Can't let that crap slide... plus you farted in the car on the ride home and rolled up the windows right after.
He then makes Chesty his sex slave in return for making her a famous actress despite a complete inability to act.
Georgiasten slut Rules (2007)
A story about a rebellious girl called Georgia (played by Lindsay Lohan) who crashes her car and ends up locked up in a Ice Cream Store, regularly pinned to the bed and forced to have lesbian sex, framed by drug pushers, she ultimately triumphs over the evil prison governess Hott Butt Nlure (played by Billy Idol), confronted in the shower by the governess pressing special attention on Georgia, fed up Georgia tackles the governess to the floor. They roll around in the showers surrounded by screaming naked women, Georgia herself is naked - it seems all over for Georgia as the governess mounts her chest forcing her to eat lube. The small girl's arms pinned under her knees, her body pressed down into the soapy water by the governess's Testicles. However when the governess refers insultingly to her parentage she finds a sudden surge of strength and throwing her off. Georgia jumps on the governess pounding her brutally, then grabbing a loo brush she forces it down the governesses choking her to death, the only waiting to find out that it was nothing but a dream from a six year coma.
Inexplicably the authorities overlook this and she is released and goes back to being an infamous celebrity.
I Know Who Fucked Me (2007)
This is a remake of Jodie Foster's The Silence of the Lambs. Except that Lindsay plays a stripper and Buffalo Bill was played by three different trained monkeys, and Hannibal Lecter by Jon Heder.
Shortly after the completion of this film Lindsay was asked to star in the sequel "I know who botched my boob job". Lindsay turned down the role, stating that her boob job went just fine and the role later went to Tara Reid. At the interview Tara was said to have misplaced a slice of pepperoni but wound up finding it in her left can. Lindsay said that she had to be the biggest fuck up in film history, to which Tara replied "are you talking about me or you?"
Disclaimer: In case you are wondering, despite the fact that she plays a stripper, both in this and the real play, there is no nudity. Of Lindsay at least. There, I just saved you $3.50 and the 1.5 hours you would have spent renting this piece of crap.
Labor Pains (2009)
Her comeback as a pregnant woman. It should be noted, however, that for something to be a "comeback" people would have had to have seen it. Did you? Nah, didn't think so.
My Vajayjay (2010)
An action film about Mexican immigrants who are taking the jobs from American prostitutes. Lohan plays the best hooker in Texas, making 50 grand a blow job who ends up dressing like a nun and shooting illegal immigrants.
Lindsay Lohan's first official porn movie that takes place in the 1970's
An erotic legging line created by Lindsay. These leggings are crotchless so they can keep sluts warm while having sex in the winter.
- Lindsey has admitted to helping Mexicans into America by hiding them in her massive ego and floating them alongside her yacht to her hideout on the coast.
- Her last name is actually pronounced Bimbo.
- LLRocks.com - A clean version of the website! This is recommended for younger fans who are in between ages 12 and 17.
- LocationLohan.com - Post anything on her forums!
- Lindsay Lohan Photo Gallery