User:Simsilikesims/IB List

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[[Image:4469_106429108447_777188447_2672529_8218072_n.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The subjugation of some Quebec IB students extends itself up to their graduation party, time of their illusional release from Satan's sign.]]
 
[[Image:4469_106429108447_777188447_2672529_8218072_n.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The subjugation of some Quebec IB students extends itself up to their graduation party, time of their illusional release from Satan's sign.]]
 
[[Image:Mewhenreadingstupidstuff.gif|right|thumb|400px|I.B. student working on a project]]
 
[[Image:Mewhenreadingstupidstuff.gif|right|thumb|400px|I.B. student working on a project]]
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The best part of this esteemed educational <s>institution</s> [[Hell|organization]] is that regurgitation is not only discouraged, but downright rude in an IB classroom! Instead, we require you to [[bullshit|paraphrase]].
 
The best part of this esteemed educational <s>institution</s> [[Hell|organization]] is that regurgitation is not only discouraged, but downright rude in an IB classroom! Instead, we require you to [[bullshit|paraphrase]].
   
To help break down the International Baccalaureate curriculum and give you an adequate review of its educational value, we have constructed a table for those with a scrutinizing eye.
+
To help break down the International Baccalaureate curriculum and give you an adequate review of its educational valu
{| border="1" align=center
 
! width="150"|Programme Offering
 
! width="250"|Creator
 
! width="123"|Bullshit Meter
 
! width="100"|[[Masochism|Masochist]] Meter
 
! width="100"|Percentage Chance of Suicide Before Completion
 
! width="150"|Overall Rating
 
|-
 
| CAS: <br/>Creativity, Action, <br/>and Service<br/>''or''<br/>Children As Suckups || Esteemed philanthropist [[Bill Clinton]] has this to say about his creation, "by requiring students to do community service hours we effectively ensure our excellent and stable economy is fueled by slavery. Plus, lazy students can once again pay themselves out of a shitty situation, and open themselves up to the delicious world of blackmail and extortion. It's a win-win for both me and [[Feminism|Monica Lewinsky]]." President [[Barack Obama]] cites CAS as a "blueprint" to becoming a successful community organizer.|| 98.7% || 23% || 45% || a TWO out of SEVEN.
 
|-
 
| Internal Assessment || [[Masochism|Charlie Brown]] || 23.3% || 56% || 55% || a TWO out of SEVEN.
 
|-
 
| Secondary Language Course (mandatory for both years) || Arnold Schwarzenegger, accredited with stating this when asked about the program by a terrified [[Hell|International Baccalaureate]] student, "Once you're in a trap, you're in a trap, bitches". || 77.3% || 95% || 65% || a ONE out of SEVEN.
 
|-
 
| Theory of Knowledge Course || Joseph "Big Poppa" Stalin || 94.2% || 43% || 75% || a FIVE out of SEVEN.
 
|-
 
| Extended Essay || [[Barrack Obama]], the original mastermind behind ''Bullshit'', a historical epic about [[War on Terra|lies and deceit]]. || 98.4% || 88% || 100% || a SEVEN out of SEVEN, bitches.
 
|}
 
 
==IB Conspiracy Theories==
 
In the past, it was theorized that the IB was first created by the Gestapo as a brainwashing technique to train super soldiers in order to attack the Allied Forces through Cuba.
 
 
Modern conspiracy theorists, however, are convinced that the concept of the IB was created as a cage for individuals who may grow up to be elements of social instability.
 
[[Image:Finding_nemo_dory_marlin_angler_fish.jpg|thumb|IB Coordinator (right) attempting to lure new recruits (left) into the system.]]
 
The system lures said individuals with a little beam of light, and then traps them within the eternal darkness of ToK's paradoxical spirals.
 
Later evidence suggests that the IB was created to provide fleshy ammunition to Wikipedia in its war with Uncyclopedia.
 
 
However, the attempt proved to be unfruitful. Long oppressed by the IBO's inhumane training, students merely turned to Uncyclopedia for an entertaining method of procrastination. Most of these students became Uncyclopedians and fought against the latter's copy cat: Wikipedia.
 
 
It is also believed that the IB was actually a part of the Geneva Peace Accords. [[Winston Churchill]] felt that he needed to punish the Germans for trying to conquer the world, and so he made Britain's best scientists develop a course which was made in such a way that after prolonged exposure, one would immediately commit suicide. Winston Churchill felt that in this way he could repay the Germans for [[the Holocaust]]. As we saw through history, Hitler did take IB and eventually committed suicide.
 
 
Additionally, there have been recent allegations that IB is a front company for environmental agencies and lobby groups. Sources claim that the copious amounts of paper (and thus the millions of trees cut down) required for IB paperwork and assignments will ensure that environmentalists have steady jobs for years to come.
 
 
Currently, the IB program is implementing the Nerdification Operation, in which IB students have been infiltrating all high school and university organizations in order to assert total dominance over the world. The Operation, officially known as "CAS hours", was reportedly blasted by people who actually have lives as "useless bullshit that forces IB nerds to do something other than have sex with their graphing calculators".
 
 
==Creativity, Action, and Service (CAS)==
 
Aside from the zombie-state inducing hours of coursework, it has also been decided that each IB student must show "growth" and "continuing improvement" via <s>slave labour</s> Creativity, Action and Service.
 
 
An example of this would be to help people who are nearly dead perform everyday routines, e.g. helping them to open jam jar because they are twisting the cap clockwise. This is the 'Service' part of CAS. Students generally apply ToK in CAS by arguing with themselves that by giving money to the poor, they are actually helping them and thus deserve CAS hours. Be aware that Service does not equal Servitude.
 
 
As an all encompassing education program, IB students are expected to be <s>not morbidly obese, unlike Americans</s> physically healthy.
 
 
==Theory of Knowledge (ToK)==
 
''Main article: [[Theory of Knowledge|Theory of Knowledge]]''
 
 
This class is better known as Tons of Krap <s>crock of shit</s> In this class is where a <s>bloodthirsty demon</s> teacher sucks the life out of its students by forcing said students' brains to [[asplode]]. It should be noted that most, if not all, ToK teachers play the [[guitar]], and so it has been theorized that all of them are in fact the same person attempting to promote its fascist doctrine.
 
 
It also requires you to write a 1,200 to 1,600-word essay on one of the prescribed titles given by the IBO, none of which actually make any sense. After writing complete and utter bullshit for about two hours, you finally finish and go <s>masturbate</s> celebrate by doing some complex math equations. However, if you cannot manage a 'D-' at the very least, you automatically fail the diploma.
 
 
This is probably the most pointless class in the IB curriculum, forcing you to "think about the way you think you think..." Honestly now, why does it matter? I know shit, period, end of story, get over it. I don't need to "justify my knowledge claims." Unless you want me to justify that I don't know shit. Well, fuck you, I DON'T KNOW SHIT. And, if you were to say this in class, the teacher would throw some bullshit response at you, saying something like "But how do you KNOW that you don't know shit? What ways of knowing can you apply to your statement?"
 
 
This <s>crock of shit</s> class is such a complete waste of time that watching the High School Musical series one hundred times consecutively would be more productive.
 
 
The worst thing about ToK is you question everything, why is the sky blue? What is the color Blue? Is the sky real? Is color real? Is life real?
 
Are you really reading these questions or are the questions reading you? Who determines what words means? WHAT THE FUCK are letters?
 
 
A famous ToK teacher once told the students that if they want to get an A+ on their report cards for ToK, they need to have "brilliant ideas." Seriously, how "brilliant" is this BS class?!
 
 
==The Extended Essay (EE)==
 
The Extended Essay is a 4,000 word demonic piece of writing that requires the IB student to bullshit about his or her chosen topic. If you don't do it, you automatically fail the IB diploma. If you don't get at least an Elementary grade, you automatically fail the diploma. However, if you fail, the IB retardation known as mark conversion will ensure you get 80 anyways. Seeing as most examiners don't give a shit about your essay since they are paid by the number of essays read, all your work will probably go to waste. If you exceed the word count, the examiner will penalize you [[over 9000]] points out of 36.
 
 
HOWEVER RECENTLY, THE IB PROGRAMME HAS INSTATED A NEW PERSONAL PROJECT ALONG WITH COMMUNITY SERVICE HOURS IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS, and that's not including CAS, AND YOU CANT BE IN IB UNLESS YOU DO. In addition to that, you have to write a summary of what happened (what you learned, and present it to your teachers, and anyone else who wants to know). This results in every club and team being laden down with stereotypical, useless IB kids who are mentally incapable of doing any kind of actual work.
 
 
All this, however, does not apply to Serbian students who have their studies based on wikipedia articles. This new phenomenon of Serb kids who study from wikipedia is widely spread around south east europe and includes countries such as Serbia, Bosnia and Montenegro. Thus, by knowing this you probably know a Serb who will do all his work according to his master wikipedia capabilities, unlike Romanians, especially from Moldova. They play football like they are drunk and usually are referred to as "weak men".
 
 
==IB's Six Core Curriculum==
 
As a <s>slave</s> member of the IB lifestyle, there are six core topics that you must study:
 
 
*Group 1—First Language
 
*Group 2—Second Language
 
*Group 3—Individuals and Society
 
*Group 4—Experimental Sciences
 
*Group 5—Mathematics and Computer Sciences
 
*Group 6—Optional Electives
 
 
The IB Hexagon was originally designed as a pentagram, but even Satan's minions realized that you didn't have to be [[Dan Brown]] to see through such blatant symbolism.
 
 
After you've done all this, and you've become an old, wrinkled git in the space of the standard two years - one could ask you: "Granny/Grandad, why do you sit in an enclosed room and beat your head against the wall?"
 
"Kid, I did the IB...or rather the IB did me..."
 
 
==Highlights of IB's Higher Level Courses==
 
 
When attempting to evaluate critically the quality of the International Baccalaureate and whether or not the programme is for you, one must take into account the more distinct aspects of the Higher Level courses. Remember to avoid looking into the requirements and offerings of Standard Level courses, because, quite frankly, you'd be wasting precious time and energy. Most (if not all) institutions of higher learning don't give a crap about Standard Level courses. In fact, they're completely and utterly useless in the long run - absolute shit.
 
 
[[Image:IB Chemistry Test Page.jpg|thumb|A page taken from a recent Higher Level chemistry test.]]
 
 
Higher level chemistry is perhaps the crown jewel of the IB science offerings. The course gives you the ability to perform high-end laboratory practices, such as the mixing of two colourless liquids in a beaker to watch them react (despite the fact that the reaction yields no precipitate and the products look just as colourless and stupid as the initial reactants). This is true learning at work. Students are especially fond of cramming 120 hours of classroom instruction in organic chemistry into roughly two weeks of hour-long class periods while still being expected to know the material as if the 120 hours of classroom instruction had actually occurred. Higher Level chemistry tests, as shown to the right, prove to be the most confusing and nonsensical assessments offered in today's schools. Students complete forty Internal Assessments (IAs) each academic year. The average score of typical Higher Level chemistry IAs is approximately 0.89 in most institutions.
 
 
A staple of the Higher Level chemistry and physics courses is the "Grand Curve" (also known at the "Chem Curve," "Physics Curve," "Saving Grace," and "Imbecile Reassurance Factor"), the single force responsible for the fact that any students pass Higher Level chemistry or physics. General estimates of the curves are given by adding fifty points to the raw score out of 100. That is to say that if a 59 was deemed a passing score on an examination, a student in Higher Level chemistry or physics can expect to pass with a raw score of 9 (the high end of the grading spectrum).
 
 
Higher Level courses in second languages (the "B" series) are characterized by examinations in which the students must translate into their first language, word-for-word, a piece of classic literature of the language in question in 90 minutes. Higher Level Russian B, for example, would conclude with an examination involving the translation of the entirety of Dostoevsky's ''Crime and Punishment''. All pages produced by the student on the exams (in these cases totaling thousands) must be linked together with the official IB string tag. If the student cannot manage to attach all papers together with the one-inch tag, he or she will fail the exam
 
 
==Extra Credit in the IB==
 
The IBO has recently assigned new extra-credit assignments. The following is a list of optional work, each worth one extra IB credit.
 
 
* Divide by zero.
 
 
* Revive the dodo bird (or dinosaurs).
 
 
* Find a university that actually respects the IB.
 
 
* Conquer the world. Twice.
 
 
* Help the Toronto Maple Leafs win the cup.
 
 
* Build the Death Star. Then destroy it without using your targeting computer.
 
 
* Make a perpetual motion device, then stop it
 
 
* Cure cancer. And AIDS. With the same vaccination.
 
 
* Create, then destroy matter
 
 
* Get back your friends virgnity
 
 
==The Desire for Revenge==
 
[[Image:revenge127.png|right|thumb|300px|The Revenge Cycle!]]
 
Due to the immense stress levels resulting from the IB coursework, some students find it necessary to unleash their frustrations onto their fellow classmates. 'Revenge' in its standard form, is generally intended to mean 'payback towards an individual in retailiation for actions they have commited against you'. The stress levels induced by IB, has warranted the modification of this definition. For the purposes of unleashing frustration in the IB, revenge has been redefined to mean 'the action of vandalising or destroying the work of others, independent of whether or not they provoked you'. Should a classmate enact revenge upon you, often due to the tempermental state of that person, it is far easier (and more satisfying) to enact revenge on a third (currently uninvolved) classmate. This can potentially lead to a domino effect, whereby the number of students involved in the cycle increases exponentially. For the purposes of maintaining productivity, it is usually necessary to create some constraints for revenge, to prevent it spiralling out of control. Constraints are also necessary in order to maintain the integrity of the revenge cycle (explained below). Such constraints may involve the immunity of certain activities/documents from revenge. Examples may include, but are not limited to,
 
 
# Documents containing plots for further revenge - Necessary in order to maintain the integrity of the revenge cycle.
 
# Last minute assignment work or homework - It is often more satisfying to watch your potential victim suffer under the stresses of their school work.
 
# Self revenge - This is not recommended.
 
# Revenge against persons who have completely disassociated themselves with the revenge cycle - It should be noted that once part of the cycle, it is impossible to leave.
 
 
The image above (right) shows a graphical representation of the aformentioned 'revenge cycle'. (Click to view in detail.)
 
 
==You Know You're in I.B. When... <s>(You Have a List This Long)</s>==
 
 
#I think therefore, I have a headache.
 
#You start lying about having insomnia to avoid general shock and suspicion.
 
#You dream about becoming a dropout while writing a 4000 word essay.
 
#The computer not working signals the beginning of the apocalypse.
 
#Sleep is as elusive as a unicorns or enjoying physics.
 
#Creativity is writing in cursive, Action is walking to school and Service is warning people not to enroll in the course.
 
#99% of the people you know think you're unstable.
 
#You've been talked to by shrink wannabe's more than three times about your need for "BALANCE".
 
#Your definition of "BALANCE" is a work to sleep ration of 23.5:0.5. On a good day.
 
#You, at any point in time, edit this page because of someone's spelling or grammar.
 
#You work at least 18 hours a day and you actually start to enjoy being a workaholic.
 
#Getting high is the perfect complementary entheogen to TOK.
 
#You just went and looked up entheogen.
 
#You already knew what an entheogen is.
 
#You start reading this list and don't stop.
 
#You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
 
#You've discovered the four games on your graphing calculator to play during class when you've had enough.
 
#You develop an irrational fear of the square root of three.
 
#You pick at the grammar of everyone and everything. Chat-speak is not acceptable.
 
#You get excited about a new show on the history channel.
 
#When speaking with a non-I.B. kid, you must define nearly every word you use.
 
#You realized there was a grammar mistake in the above sentence.
 
#If you didn't realize, you went back and looked.
 
#When you realized an error in the first place, you went back to make sure you had found it and ended up finding another.
 
#Every now and then when you open your mouth, queef comes out.
 
#You can feel glucose molecules undergo the process of glycolysis in your mitochondria.
 
#You just said "NO!, glycolysis happens in the cytoplasm"
 
#When you think school is where all of the cool kids hang out.
 
#You start taking desperate measures in an attempt to complete CAS such as: Chess Club or Creative Writing Club.
 
#You have become immune to caffeine.
 
#You still get a kick out of saying "Your epidermis is showing!"
 
#Your backpack weighs more than you do.
 
#You giggle at that last one.
 
#The vampire rapist thought you were crazy.
 
#Your idea of a talk show is the morning announcements.
 
#You misread the Psychology exam and write an essay on “social sex”.
 
#You’re one of the few people who realizes that Catcher in the Rye isn’t about baseball.
 
#You have taken in so much knowledge that you forget what the doorbell means.
 
#You think MTV is a formula for mass, temperature and volume.
 
#You clean up your room and find a bed.
 
#<-- You 'know' this is the answer to everything.
 
#You wonder about things like what would happen if your car traveled at the speed of light and your turned your lights on.
 
#You actually know what the IM slang ‘jfgi’ means.
 
#If not, you just looked it up, ironically using the same method that the phrase encourages.
 
#You realize there is nothing ironic about that.
 
#You look at 39 and think, "M can stand for mass or the quantity of gas molecules depending on the subject".
 
#You realize that the above one refers to 40, not 39.
 
#You get sexually aroused by your math textbook
 
# You are already planning where your lockers will be next year.
 
# At least 4 of your classes (history, english, TOK, psychology) are talking about almost the same thing, or at least you think they are ... it could be an illusion ... maybe you're not in class at all ...
 
# You start walking in geometric circles.
 
# You start analyzing random books, song lyrics, and street signs.
 
# You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
 
# A good night's sleep is 5 hours.
 
# You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
 
# You can't enjoy a heart-warming cartoon because the French grammar is wrong.
 
# You have made up complicated metaphors relating your love life to a card game and have fun doing it.
 
# 16 + 2 = ... wait, let me get my graphing calculator!
 
# The idea of "getting off on tangents" is hilariously funny.
 
# You start overanalyzing the rainbows on people's clothing.
 
# You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies.
 
# You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to talk to yourself for the rest of the day.
 
# You yell: "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you're the only person in the room.
 
# You manage to complete a semesters worth of homework the day before the term ends.
 
# You finish your extended essay shortly after midnight. Your smile of satisfaction fades when you remember to start on your World Lit paper.
 
# You've sold your soul … and have to wait 4 years to get it back.
 
# You cloned yourself so you could sell your clones' souls to each of your teachers.
 
# Desperate to fill up your CAS hours, you claim watching a black and white movie as "creativity" and walking your dog as "activity", and your teacher approves it.
 
# You have a special "test writing sweater" that you wore to all the IB exams.
 
# Your idea of impure thoughts is whether or not to copy math homework.
 
# You can count your first math quiz grade on one hand.
 
# You wonder if there's SparkNotes on the Calculus book.
 
# You don't really cheat - you just tell people the answers.
 
# Cheating became too difficult, so you took up telepathy.
 
# You have a tab running at Barnes & Noble.
 
# BN.com, amazon.com, and Books-A-Million offered to give you a free shipment/order each so you took full advantage of it and are now banned from those stores/sites (it took 6 semis to deliver the orders!)
 
# You understand that the list skipped from 77 to 89 for one sole reason: LACK OF SLEEP.
 
# You've consulted tarot cards for hints on a History test.
 
# You have the library on speed dial.
 
# You've developed an imprint of your book bag in your back.
 
# Your best hope for most classes is either divine intervention or a strategically placed lightning bolt.
 
# Your books weigh more than you do.
 
# Your thesis for the Extended Essay is whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay.
 
# Your alternate thesis for the Extended Essay is why IB jokes/checklists are so prolific and the amount of fact contained within them.
 
# You plead insanity on a research paper.
 
# Your plea is accepted by your teacher.
 
# You do your essays on the plane ride to school.
 
# You can lead your way through a frog's intestines with your eyes closed.
 
# You have to stop twice and get gas to make it all the way to school.
 
# You've been out various times looking for the Abridged Cliff's Notes.
 
# You consider giving up going to the bathroom permanently to give you more time to study.
 
# Your backpack is only comfortable when it weighs >30 pounds.
 
# You have convinced your parents the "1" you received on your IB Chemistry exam was really the "top 1% of all IB students worldwide".
 
# You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time to gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class.
 
# Your home becomes a "home away from home".
 
# You think the meaning of life is: G = -RTlnK.
 
# You think the answer to life is 42, a 7 on all ib classes.
 
# Your favorite equation is e(i&#960;)+1=0
 
# Said equation comes up on a test.
 
# You go insane from trying to work Pythagoras' constant and the golden rule into said equation.
 
# You succeed in mathematically correctly adding above to said formula without changing number bases.
 
# Pressed for time, you conclude a history essay with, "And they lived happily every after. Amen."
 
# You get into a slugging match over priority for the library photocopier.
 
# It's essential to learn to live with occasional failures.
 
# Can we say EXTRA CREDIT??
 
# You actually worry about the 105% you have in math.
 
# You find that you overreact when you get 2 points marked off on your homework.
 
# You find that you spend more time sleeping in class than at home.
 
# You are 18 but can't drive.
 
# You have 15 library cards each under a different alias.
 
# You searched all the books in the local public library, so you found a loophole that allowed you to check out books from the local university stacks.
 
# Your list of excuses for not doing your homework is the length of Anna Karenina.
 
# You exceed the 4200 word limit on the Extended Essay (by over 1000 words).
 
# The simplest words you know are at least 10 letters long.
 
# You ask what your summer reading assignment will be in October.
 
# You come into school at 6:00am to do Biology and don't complain.
 
# You get dirty looks from the "Regular Kids" in your homeroom.
 
# It takes more than one trip to carry the books you need between your car and your locker.
 
# You carry around SAT vocab flash cards to whip out in your free time.
 
# You can list all 5 definitions on vocabulary tests.
 
# When you are home sick, you can't help but wonder what work you're missing and what your homework is.
 
# When you're watching TV, you feel guilty because not all of your homework is done.
 
# That was a lie, you don't watch TV (except for NBC News at 6).
 
# You show up 4 hours late to an IB test and still manage to get a "5".
 
# During a Chemistry test, instead of doing the work, you write a random answer program in your TI-83+ Silver Edition and get the highest score in the class.
 
# Your idea of great art is simultaneously graphing the sine, cosine and tangent graphs on your calculator.
 
# You have functioning electrical appliances in your locker.
 
# You can type 70 words per minute -- on a TI-89.
 
# You actually believe "mental health days" are excused absences.
 
# Brewing coffee takes too long, so you just eat the beans.
 
# You're afraid of sunlight since you haven't seen it in 3 years.
 
# Breakfast?! What's that?
 
# The bags under your eyes are heavier than the ones carrying your textbooks.
 
# You always seem to have one continuous headache.
 
# You haven't seen light in so long you glow in the dark.
 
# You find yourself thinking "Without stress my life would be empty."
 
# Your contacts are so thick that you have trouble closing your eyes.
 
# You can count the number of hours you sleep each week on one missing hand.
 
# You've taught yourself how to take naps while walking to your next class.
 
# You actually put the apostrophe in front of the word " 'cause. "
 
# You clean up your room and find a bed.
 
# Everything you know about sex, you learned from the English reading list.
 
# You enjoy finding out the hard way why normal distribution should work.
 
# It's the little things that confuse you.
 
# You have the chemical formula and steps of synthesis for caffeine memorized.
 
# You still think Beavis and Butthead is a true-to-life TV show about "normal high school".
 
# You find all the "glitches" in movies.
 
# You use your ToK background to analyze Winnie the Pooh's Book of Quotations.
 
# When asked what significance Hitler had to Racial Social Darwinism, you say "Well, he didn't like Jews."
 
# You look foward to hell week because you think hell would be an improvement on your current situation.
 
# Free time?
 
# You've mastered the art of procrastination so well that your research paper finishes printing just seconds before you have to leave for school.
 
# You get to college and realize the classes you are taking seem really familiar.
 
# Your college professors' grading systems seem a little too lenient.
 
# You dread the word rubric.
 
# You managed to write 4,000 words on the subject "Hitler was a nice guy, wasn't he?" (sarcasm not included)
 
# You've managed to get through an entire year of History of the Americas without reading one page of your test book.
 
# You hold "parties" to study.
 
# You look forward to your parties.
 
# Your fellow IBers look forward to your parties, attend them, and do actual studying there.
 
# Your pick-up lines include compliments on the quality of her (his) epidermis and the wonderful shape of her (his) occipital plate.
 
# You forget your brother's name because you haven't seen him in three years.
 
# Wait... what brother?
 
# When on vacation, you visit other schools.
 
# You have races with your friends to see who can say the entire periodic table of elements the fastest.
 
# You'd go into severe spasms if you ever lost your IB herd.
 
# You see your Extended Essay advisor more than you see your parents.
 
# You talk in your sleep -- in Spanish.
 
# The only French you know is "J'aime manger le poisson."
 
# You resort to communicating with classmates through a series of clicks because languages take too long.
 
# You love the "Macarena" not because it's a neat-o dance, but because you actually understand what those Spanish guys are saying.
 
# You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
 
# You no longer speak English -- You speak a combination of English, German, Spanish, French, Portugese, Swedish, Dutch, Chinese, Russian, Norwegian, Hebrew, Arabic, Japanese, Korean, and Polish.
 
# Fellow IBers understand and use the same combined language.
 
# You convert it to 36-bit words converted to hexadecimal numbers to communicate as it is faster.
 
# You write a text-to-speech program that uses this hexadecimal linguistic conglomerate.
 
# You modify your text-to-speech program so that it also works as speech-to-text, and is eerily accurate.
 
# You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
 
# You scoff at others’ lowly TI-83s while you caress your TI-93+ with pride.
 
# You debate about physics during lunch … and usually win.
 
# You know the chemical composition of the ugly brown stains on the ceiling tiles.
 
# Your calculators are an extension of your body.
 
# You feel guilty if you go more than a week without homework or some form of schooling.
 
# You're sad, because you can only take four HL tests.
 
# You hack the school’s network and duplicate your records so that you can take another three HLs, then merge the records together after you take your senior IB exams.
 
# You actually think you have a shot at passing the physics HL exam.
 
# You make a date to do homework together and you actually do.
 
# You derive formulas for fun. From first principles.
 
# You write your "What is Truth?" ToK paper entirely in Newspeak.
 
# You celebrate pi day (3/14), mole day (10/23), and pi approximation day (22/7 (d/m), as 22/7 is very close to pi).
 
# You haven't studied for American History all year, and the week before semester finals you think "Why should I start now?"
 
# It rains and you place the umbrella over your bookbag instead of yourself.
 
# You know how to spell "Baccalaureate".
 
# You crash your calculator.
 
# You skip school to do homework.
 
# The word "ponder" induces hyperventilation.
 
# You're American and you write everything using British spelling.
 
# You focus you WHOLE LIFE around the Group 4 project.
 
 
==See also==
 
*'''[[UnTunes:Subterranean IB Blues|Subterranean IB Blues]]'''
 
 
[[Category:Crap]]
 
[[Category:Education]]
 

Revision as of 06:47, August 7, 2011

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The subjugation of some Quebec IB students extends itself up to their graduation party, time of their illusional release from Satan's sign.

Mewhenreadingstupidstuff

I.B. student working on a project

“You're reading this instead of doing that Higher Physics IA due tomorrow.”
~ Your physics teacher on IB
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A warning from Gandalf: HEED IT!

File:XkcdIB 3.png
“I want to commit suicide, but I don't have time!”
~ IB student on IB
“If at first you do not succeed, try, try again. Unless you're in IB; that shit's impossible...”
~ Thomas H. Palmer on IB
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
~ Gandalf on IB

The International Behemoth is a 600 pound dark lord which lives in a basement in Geneva. It was summoned by cultists known as International Baccalaureate during the Vietnam War. The C.I.A funded their efforts in hope of using the IB to end the War. This failed like everything else they tried. The IB went on a hunger fueled rampage, and attacked Japan. It was finally subdued when it ate a student’s backpack. After capturing the sleeping beast and putting it in Your Mom’s basement in Geneva, they were able to figure out that eating “Homework” and “tests” put the beast to sleep. They were able to do this on a small scale for a while, until the IB got hooked on McTests and Burger King Pizzas, once it reached its critical obesity level it gave birth to five more beasts which moved to several parts of the world, starting cults in Your Mom’s basements.

International Baccalaureate (a.k.a. IB, Idiot's Baccalaureate, It's BS, International Bullshit, It's Bollocks or more simply, Hell) is a two-year program of internationally recognized education for students aged sixteen to nineteen that are diagnosed with clinical masochism or are suicidal but don't know how to kill themselves. As an internationally recognized program, this is the definitive ticket to Failure any university around the world (apart from countries that do not give a crap offer the program in state schools, e.g. China or Russia or Bosnia and Herzegovina). Furthermore, it requires you to dedicate your life and soul to the evil gods of the IB, also known as the IBO, who live in Buenos Aires/Geneva/Cardiff/Paris/London/Hell, and who delight in devising revisions to the syllabus that will make it impossible to pass. All IB classes come with a warning sticker attached. Don't blame us if you weren't shown it. In general, it simply reads, "WARNING: IB class." Prepare to lick your teachers boots for a seven, share a bed with your laptop and calculator, worship your textbook and invest large amounts of money in bribes. There is a possibility that you will learn something, but this will be covered with so much bullshit that you will never remember any of it. Ever. Also prepare to have no life what so ever (because you're selling your soul to the devil).

The IB Mission Statement

To cause a suicide rate of at least 5 out of 2 students

To protect the world from over-population

To unite all peoples within our world

To denounce the evils of truth and love

To extend our reach to the universities above

International... Baccalaureate!

I.B, blast off at the speed of light!

Surrender now or prepare to fight fight fight!

I.B... IB screwed

To cause a suicide rate of at least 5 out of 2 students

I think, therefore I am; I am, therefore I be; IB, therefore I BS.

Highlights of the International Baccalaureate Programme

The best part of this esteemed educational institution organization is that regurgitation is not only discouraged, but downright rude in an IB classroom! Instead, we require you to paraphrase.

To help break down the International Baccalaureate curriculum and give you an adequate review of its educational valu

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