Captain Jason Kidd is an ex-pirate and current NBA player. Born in 1651, he is the oldest player in the NBA and second oldest in the world( behind John McCain). In his unusually long life, he became accomplished in both carreers: an all time leader in many basketball categories( triple doubles, steals, and games without a championship) and in pirate categories( ship takeovers, steals, and virgins desecrated). he could never win the big one until 2011 when he won the NBA (Nationwide Basketball Society) championship by beating the Miami Globetrotters.
Not much is known about Kidd’s early life since it took place in the middle of the 17th century. One thing that is known was that he was a product of an inter-racial marriage. Despite being bi-racial, Kidd views himself as being 100% black. He insists that he only looks white because he has the same condition that Michel Jackson had. The second thing known about Kidd’s early life was that he was born with eyes on the back of his ass. Because of his spectualar passing ability during his nba carreer, some people believed that he had eyes on the back of his head, but the gross reality is that they putrude out of his heiny.
Because of the left-wing media, few people know that “Jason” Kidd is in fact the notorious Captain Kidd that scourged the seven seas in the late 17h century. Captain Kidd was in fact all around badass, hijacking ships, stealing booty, pooping on the poop deck. But his badassness, was surpassed by his nautical genius, as he was the ultimate sea general. He navigated his ship through tight naval defense, leading his crew of scally wags on a fastbreak offense that would leave merchant and royal ships robbed of all their booty before they knew what hit’em. e was similarly skilled as a wing-man as his crew was always in the right position to nail the open legged-whore. What made him such a great Captain, was not his individual skills, as great as they were , but the fact that he made his crew better. This earned im All-Pirate first team selection 5 times and a Most Valuable Pirate award in 1692. During a naval battle, however, Captain Timothy Dunkin robbed Kidd’s MVP trophy, leading him to go on a futile year long expedition to find it.
Despite his obvious greatness, Kidd had one weakness: He didn’t have a shot.. Thus, when isolated one on one, he often found himself in danger as he would miss from point blank range. This proved to be his archilles heel, as when looting in Boston, Kidd had an opportunity to knockoff Captain Pau Pierce. After he missed, Pau quickly trapped Kidd forcing his crew to surrender. (And Pierce, being a fruit, touched Kidd’s naughty parts scaring him for life!). Trial was one of the most covered that century. Despite having the best lawyers, the sensationalist media circulated wild fabrications of Captain Kidd, accusing him of torture and being a Miami Heat fan (he was a badass, but not an a-hole!). The jury pronounced him guilty for piracy and convicted him to 250 years in prison.
This, they thought, was essentially a life sentence.They failed to know that Kidd , on his expedition to find his MVP award, actually found the famous fountain of youth, making him immortal. Knowing that he would survive the sentence, Kidd prepared mentally for two centuries of boredom and anal rape.
Prison Life and Discovery of Basketball
With eyes on the back of his ass, Kidd was able to avoid being raped better than anyone in the prison. IN fact he set the single season record for fewest rapes with three in 1784. IN an interview with Ahmad Rashad he claimed that these instances were voluntary and therefore he was never raped, but this is not verifyable.
Avoiding rape only took so much of his time, so he decided to pick up the newly created game basketball, invented by the only black man in the penitentiary. Kidd’s previous favorite sport was battery-ball which is played by assalting your wife until she is dead or divorced you. He was mediocre at the game but this new basketball gave him the opportunity to dominate sport. For 29 years Kidd played pick up basketball games, becoming an expert passer(with the help of his ass eyes), rebounder, defender, and pretty much everything except the incredibly difficult “jump shot”.
After incredibly exhausting 3OT game, Kidd went back to his cell and took a nap. He forgot to set his alarm, however, leading him to sleep for 52 years. He was woken up when his sentence was over.Upon leaving prison, he decided to use his accuired basketball skills to achieve fame in the NBA. Trying out for the Celtics in 1953, he was repulsed by the amount of jews in the league so he decided to wait a few decades until they were all gone. He worked at the Sex Toy shop o Route 22, until 1994 when he decided to enter the NBA draft.
Though a great basketball player for the past two centuries, Kidd became famous for it when he entered the NBA. In the NBA, he established himself as one of the games greatest point guards, earning him the nickname “The White John Stockton”. So great he was, he was able to dominate games without getting a single shot. It should be pointed out, however, that this was because he couldn’t score a single shot, as all his points came from free throws. His .000 FG% till better than Shaq’s free throw % which was somehow negative.
Kidd’s first team was with the Dallas Mavericks. Along with Kidd, the team was led by Jim “Stonewall” Jackson, and Jamal Ashburns, creating a big three that made them a tough beat. More importantly, they were interesting enough to distract Dallas sports fans until the Cowboys preseason.
Despite the great potential, the team was broken up after some an event off the court destroyed the team’s chemistry. Kidd and Jackson were getting some booty at a swingers party, when Jackson nailed one the hottest chicks in the club. He was so satisfied he told Kidd about her, and Kidd, being one never to pass up a good lay, nailed her too. What Jackson forgot to tell him was that she also had the clap, but it didn’t affect him since he was immune to it. Kidd couldn’t piss without screaming for days and that was enough for him to demand a trade. (Kidd later admitted while being interviewed by Ahmad Rashad that it was indeed a great lay)…
Kidd made a name for himself as a Sun, as he led the league in assists and hairstyle changes for two seasons. The fan base, however, grew weary of the fact that the team was repeatedly beaten in the first round. So the team managers decided to trade their best player, Kidd, for a sack of manure, in order to not make the first round all together.
It wasn’t until three years later, however, that the Suns realized the sack of manure was actually Stephon Marbury. After this realization, he was immediately traded to the Knicks.
New Jersey Nets
In New Jersey, Kidd joined fellow NBA superstar Keith Van Horn and ex-convict Kenyon Martin and in the first season propelled them to a franchise best 52 wins ( a 51 game improvement from the previous high). They even reached the NBA finals, but once there, Kidd and co. were swept by the Los Angles Rapers, led by Shaq “uille” O’Neal and Jordan wannabe Kobe Bryant.
The series, however, would have been a lot closer if Kidd didn’t get wasted every night b4 the finals games. This was because he was so happy to get to the finals he just wanted to enjoy himself and take it all in. It wasn’t until the series was over that he realized that winning the Eastern Conference was no accomplishment, since e time, the East consisted of high school teams and the New Orleans Hornets.
Kidd vowed to never make the same mistake and the following year, Kidd’s Nets made the NBA finals again. This time it was only to lose to Tim “Boring” Duncan’s Spurs in six games. Even though he was more focused than ever, the Spurs played in such a boring manner, Kidd could not stay awake for all four quarters. This led to fourth quarter chokes, such as in game 6 when the Spurs went on a 19-0 run as an unconscious Kidd kept scoring in the wrong basket. As a Net, Kidd never repeated the same success despite the Nets trading for Julius Irving clone, Vince Carter in 2004. Vinsanity and Kidd lit up the highlight reel and fantasy leagues across the country, but never reached the finals. This was mostly as a result of Carter having a condition that made his balls shrink when he played an important game. Being a devout Hindu, Kidd wanted his NBA career to be a full circle so he demanded a trade to Dallas where it began.
Back in Dallas, both Kidd and current team captain and German import Dirk Nowitzki were “fuckin pissed” that they had benn stimed from winning the nba finals. However, because of Kidd’s micro-penis surgeries Kidd was no longer as good as before, and the first three playoffs together, they were booted out ringless. After they were eliminated by Tim Duncan in the 2010 playoffs, Charles Barkley made a statement on TNT to make them feel better: “Listen, I never won a championship and I’m just fine. I mean , I gained some weight and have a few gambling debts but all in all my legacy is still pretty tight. Right Kenny!” (Following which was a tremendous awkward silence).
Seeing the horror that occurs when one doesn’t win a championship Kidd and Nowitzki worked three times harder to win the championship and the following season they finally reached the finals once again. What put them over the edge was that Nowitzki had finally mastered the difficult one legged fade away and Kidd, after centuries of practice, finally mastered the three pointer. With these new skills, Dallass was able dispose of the Miami Globetrotters, as predicted by Barkley, in six games, marking the first time that he was ever right about anything.
Finals MVP honors went to Brian Cardinal, but Kidd didn’t give a shit. He one his championship and now he could retire, living in a nursing home playing battery-ball.
As a multi-millionare, Kidd wondered what to do with all his extra monies. If he if he were LAtrell Spreweell or any other nba player, he would have already lost it all in strippers’ butt cracks. Wanting to use his extra money for a higher cause, he decided to become a philanthropist.Here’s how it went down:
Jason Kidd-“Hey, I got an idea. My last name is Kidd right? So I should do something that helps children! HAHAHA get it?! LOL!”
Joumana Kidd- “Yeah, that’s great Jason. I have to go file a false domestic abuse claim now, so I’ll be back at five.”-Joumoma Kidd
The Kidd foundation helps inner city kids by helping fund things they need, such as education and annual shopping sprees at Toys r’ us. Every year, Kidd picks up children in his big white van and takes them to the toy store where they can get as many toys as they want. After this, they all go to his Never-neverland Ranch and “play”.
The Kidd Adult foundation
This foundation was founded when an angry parent pointed out during the annual kids’ shopping spree, that it was “totally not fair” that kids got toys and the parent’s didn’t. So, since 2002, Kidd has funded another annual shoppng spree for adult toys at the Sex Toy shop on Route 22. Throughout the year, Kidd is occasionally seen there, “quality testing” the products.
Kidd spent most of his living promiscuously as he never took a day off from booty call duty. However, after the Jim Jackson incident, he decided to “settle” for a smoking hot model Joumona Kidd. It was a happy marriage until, Joumana gave birth to TJ Kidd whose watermelon sized head severly damaged her poonani. This turned her until a real bitch.
Thus, when Kidd innocently made an attempt to return to battery-ball, Joumana wouldn’t have any of it and filed a domestic abuse claim. It became a big media circus, but Kidd was able to sweep it under the rug by putting dolla bills u her ass, like the stripper ho that she is. This only kept her quite for so long until she erupted once again. At this point, Kidd gave up and decided to only fuck men.
Kidd has three children that he admits to having, but estimates range from 53 to 1,345.