Fish

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (no longer VFH)
(reverted a bit farther to Archaix's version)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Q|You cannot shake hands with a clenched fish.|Oscar Wilde, misquoting himself}}
+
{{Q|So long, and thanks for all the fish.|Lord Byron|this article}}
{{Q|I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.|George W Bush, on energy policy?}}
 
{{Q|So long, and thanks for all the fish!|The Dolphins|the Earth's about-to-be-destroyed problem}}
 
{{Q|Babel fish on Yahoo could quite possibly have originated by the slimy orange...thing that translates languages when you shove it in your ear as seen in the Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy.|The Whale|the Earth's about-to-be-destroyed problem}}
 
   
[[Image:One_Cool_Fish!.JPG|thumb|right|200PX|Fish have personality too! Remember me the next time you eat my brother!]]
+
[[Image:0000000000000FishFishyOHHHHH!!.JPG|thumb|''I wonder where that fish did go, a fish a fish a fishy OHHHHH!'']]
'''Fish''' are <S>not</S> very interesting, as they are the opposite of birds. Unlike <s>all</s> most birds, fish swim. Just as there are no waterborne birds, there are very few airborne fish. A fishing license is required to capture fish, not so for birds (bow and arrow method NOT recommended). A typical fish is characterized by three dorsal humps, two eyes and a knowing smile. Fish have slit-like nose tubes on the side of their heads; known alternatively as gills. Although [[Wizards]] are immune to birds, they have very few defenses against a fish's powerful and destructive attacks.
 
Wizards usually succumb to fish strikes which are almost invariable lethal. Depending on the age and constitution of the wizard, and their affinity for fish, some mages are reduced to long hours of game show watching to recover in full. Because of their dominant relationship with regards to wizards, fish have been found in bodies of water all over the world since the age of Merlin. (In contrast, bird populations have been largely ignored by wizards, showing a notable diminution of interest since the bronze age.) Psychologically speaking, a wizard so befuddle by a fish has been ''Jasonized,'' as witnessed by Merlin's testimony here:
 
   
[[Image:fish.jpg|thumb|right|Catfish got your tongue?]]
+
A '''fish''' is a small carnivorous animal that loiters in oceans, rivers and damp places across the world. Despite warnings from [[global warming]] experts, the current melting of the ice caps is set to benefit fish considerably, possibly even making them the dominant species on [[Earth]].
''"Although litigious by nature, the Jasonited wizard's interaction with fish has been relatively quite of late. Whether in Wisconsin or Normandy, Jason fishes completely synthesize new protein, ate six shillings, a tank of bacon, and a wallet taco. Generally, several experts and specialists have concluded that it is indisputable: Jason either is the best or is not the best of the fish -- so much for the social sciences. The vapidity of Jason's protein synthesis landed him in hot water (figuratively), although he begat seven sons in so doing. Each son, zealously named an argonaut, joined Jason on an adventure for a Gold Fleece. Confronting alternating bouts of feast and famine, toil and virtue, bird and beak, Jason sheered the goat, foiled the Titans, and returned to Greece, victorious and resplendent -- all in a days work. He initiated a tort claim for negligence with respect to his boat, but ultimately settled out of court, despite Judge Judy's urging. He has recently reinstated sales of the baconater."''
 
   
On occasion, fish are shown through glass tanks in [[Unintelligent Design|evolved apes']] dining rooms. Fish are generally loved by the masses: lots of people eat them.
+
==History==
  +
===Human Domination===
  +
In popular history fish have traditionally been the sport of man; most thriving places in the world being fishing towns (Alexandria, Constantinople, Dover, etc). Man has always thrived off the nutritious benefits of the sea-harvest, for they are a great source of protein and, in certain areas, radioactive material. Civilizations such as the Cartheginians, Greeks and (latterly) the [[Britain|Britons]] were all maritime powers; all exploiters of the seas.
   
==Mythology==
+
===Human Domination?===
[[File:Breadfish.jpg|thumb|The common French [[bread|bread fish]].]]
+
It is clear, therefore, that fish are likely to be resentful of man's power. Indeed, there is evidence enough to suggest that fish have always been actively against land-domination:
  +
* The asteroid that almost wiped out life on Earth about 65.5 million years ago did not kill any fish -a coincidence? One likely theory is that fish collectively manipulated the tides on Earth by use of their dorsal fins to create artificial movements; this would disrupt the magnetic potential of the planet, almost certainly drawing wayward objects into the path of it.
  +
* Despite the supposed abundance of fish (they thrive to the tune of many trillions), they are proving more and more harder to catch, leading to the erroneous assumption that they are, in fact, being hunted to extinction. However, logic dictates that they are willfully avoiding capture.
  +
* The documentary 'Finding Nemo' was astonishingly sympathetic to incarcerated fish, even depicting the rescue of the eponymous 'Nemo' from a holding-cell in Sydney. Most likely this was a work of propaganda by aquatic creatures, or at least influenced by their spies in [[Hollywood]] in much the same way [[Comintern]] helped to perverse the sales of anti-USSR tracts in the 20th century.
   
Ancient legend calls '''Fish''' a water dwelling creature. It is not clear why and who created this myth, but in "modern" times it is a heavily exploited theorem by a world-wide global conspiracy group known as [[they|THEY]].
+
[[Image:Bass player.JPG|thumb|200px|Stephen King of popular music combo [[AC/DC]] seen here practicing playing his [[bass]].]]
  +
[[Image:Milt2.JPG|right|thumb|200px|A man masturbating a fish]]
   
THEY are the fishermen. There are two kinds of fishermen: those who never catch and admit it, and those who never catch, but, ashamed, probably, lie. The later constantly boast and brag about their experiences and are in the majority. All is a grand illusion for there are no fish. Fairytales, legends, hear-say, gossips, rumors, myths, smoke and mirror. To sustain the illusion good advertisement is essential. A whole industry was created, consisting of magazines, radio and TV-programs, books, know-how workshops, competitions etc. The advancement of technologies made finally possible to support the legend by the means of electro-mechanical devices, able to float and propel in water, and shaped like the above-mentioned mythological creatures. Fish.
+
==Trivia==
[[File:2792072698 d7895bc555.jpg|thumb|This fish is '''NOT''' Jason.]]
+
* Contrary to popular opinion, it is a myth that a Fish requires a [[bicycle]] for transportation. While bicycles are popular among certain schools of fish, [[scooter|vespas]] are far more convenient for the modern fish lifestyle.
  +
* George Bernard Shaw pronounced 'fish' 'Ghoti', simply because he liked to be different. How much of a bastard was he?
  +
* Contrary to popular opinion, fish do not, in fact, taste like [[chicken]]. They taste like puppy.
  +
* The only country ever ruled by fish was the [[Sardinian Empire]].
   
  +
==See also==
   
[[Image:Milt2.JPG|thumb|250px|left|Yes...This is exactly what it looks like]]
 
 
The natural question of the reader by now should be, what do we get, when we order fish in the store, or in the restaurant? WELL THE ANSWER TO THAT GOOD SIR IS NOTHING. And priced accordingly. A cheaper, low quality product was introduced on the market, called “Chicken of the sea”. And if you think, that this is the top of their blatant arrogance, read further and decide for yourselves.
 
 
In Japan THEY introduced the myth of a delicious food, fudu. The chicken meat is spiced with exotic Japanese flavors. Allegedly, fudu is a “fish” with ball-shaped body, armored with spikes and slime that covers the entire body. The slime causes severe pain experience, if one’s finger is pierced by a spike. The mythical fudu is laced with deadly tetrodoxin poison, causing sometimes painful death to the person(s) who ate fudu. Fudu should only be prepared by skillful chefs, creating a convenient way to eliminate political enemies, while and loading the cook with the responsibility.
 
 
The invention of electricity and the advancement of technology allowed for the development of plastic electromechanical devices. They were shaped moved as the mythological fish is supposed to. They were exhibited in zoos, sold as pets, pictured in textbooks, used in movie industry, like “Jaws”, “Old Man And The Sea”, and “m8ju76ki7” to name a few. But ultimately, fish served as a proof of the very existence of this creature.
 
 
The early models, code named “electric eel” and “electric sting ray”, were so coarse, they were not meant to be touched or examined at a close range. For this purpose, the devices were covered with electro-conducting gel and supplied with high voltage coils, delivering up to 600 V shock to the unlucky and the curious. However, an alternative opinion exists, that the electric properties of the above devices was not a feature, but was due to improper insulation. We shall probably never know for sure. Gradually the fish-devices became more beautiful, smaller and agile. Most recent models, like Viperfish and Anglerfish feature light emitting diodes (LED), that flash periodically. LEDs turned the Viperfish and Angelfish into nice additions for every fish tank. Other electric models are sold in Wal-Mart under the name “Singing Bass”. Singing Bass is not supposed to be submerged and not expected to propel under water either, making it as simple and as cheap as a Teddy bear.
 
 
Also, Contrary to popular belief, fish exist not on air, but on the combined hope of small African children that one day they will get a decent job and a BMI of more than 65%. [[http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/8/81/Mr._janitor.jpg]] The best fish Moar krabs is a fish
 
 
==Electrolux addisoni==
 
[[Image:CheepCheep.png|right|100px|thumb|I hate this frickin fish. took 56 of my {{C|glitched}} lives!]]
 
 
One of these models was introduced on the market in [[2007]]. The new species of electric stingray was included in [http://technocrat.net/d/2008/5/23/41752 the top ten most amazing living things discovered] in 2007.
 
 
This thing was called Electrolux addisoni. The connection between the powerful electric company and the fishy conspiracy is revealed once again.
 
 
The development of the chemical technology allowed to create fish, that can be baked and eaten. The skeleton is made of biodegradable polymers and is not to be consumed. The meat is very tender, and looks like chicken meat, cut into small peaces, and pressed together. The reason is that fish is exactly this: flavored peaces of poultry, pressed together. The real flavor does not really matter, as long as it is strong enough to disguise the chicken. After all, no one knows how the “real tuna” should smell and taste...
 
 
[[Image:HHH2.JPG|thumb|left|Over time fish have adapted defenses to various fishing techniques.]]
 
The electromechanical devices meant for sport fishing are quite expensive. The secrecy about fish must be protected strictly. For this purpose, the number of “fish” that can be caught and carried home is limited. This is why limits on the size and on daily catch were introduced. If the “fish” is smaller than the limit, it is supposed to be returned in the water immediately. If anyone tries to take it to the shore, he is expected by an employee of the agency, who controls the particular lake or river, dressed as park ranger, or Fishing and Gaming officer, ready to confiscate the “fish” and issue a fine. Everyone who claims to have caught “fish” has either won a promotional lottery, or is simply an officer of the above mentioned agency.
 
 
In older times, people were much more concerned and less naive. They did not like the idea of “fish”. When they did not believe something, they would say, “It smells fishy”. Unfortunately, we are turning more and more [[gullible]]. This is why, the people who run the global fish conspiracy have become so arrogant, careless and self-confident recently, they allow for leaks of information frequently. Examples include the “Chicken of the sea” and the “Singing BASS” sold in Wal-Mart, the “clown fish”, which sings and floats, sold in Toys Are Us, and the Euro-pro’s vacuum cleaner “Shark”. The computer part manufacturers are most careless. Examples include Cobian computer modems, Seagate’s “Barracuda” hard drive, Western Digital’s “Caviar”.
 
 
The latest disclosure of the "fish" myth came from the Russian news agency TASS. Kremlin has revealed that the Russian engineers have invented a radio-controlled "fish", designed to lead the fish population to breeding and feeding grounds in the Black See. C'mon, people! We already know the truth. It is more then obvious, that the "feeding and breeding grounds" are merely battery recharging stations.
 
 
The IBM laptop computer, called "Lenovo" is honoring Lenovo (also spelled Леново), a small town in the southern part of Bulgaria. You may be wondering, as why a leading computer company would pay tribute to a small unknown village. The reason can be traced to the nearby lake with the same name.
 
Lake Lenovo is a center for annual fishing competition. This confirms, once again, the connection between the computer industry and the computerized toys called "fish".
 
 
The latest disclosure of the secret came from MIT. The specialist of MIT have designed a new generation of robotic fish. This would have been the big news, of course. So, in order to redirect the attention of the public, THEY KILLED KENNEDY! That's wright. The people who run the global fish conspiracy ordered Ted Kennedy dead on the same day, so this made the big news, and no one noticed the disclosure about fish.
 
 
==The Fish Cycle==
 
[[Image:Fish_Cycle.jpeg|thumb|right|The fish cycle.]]
 
 
Unlike [[water]], fish have a more complex cycle. If a fish moves too close to the water's surface on a hot day, it immediately evaporates. This process is called defishiration. During the process, there is enough force to separate each fish into Supercharged Fish Atoms(SFA). SFA makes up 50% of all clouds. After a while, SFA combines with water vapour in the air. The SFA reacts with the water vapour in the air to change the water vapour into liquid form. Condensation does not exist. This [[molecule]] is called H20Fish1.
 
At the next "Rainfall", SFA follows the water to the sea. In contact with sea water, SFA revert back to fishes in the form of [[babies]]. Hence, the cycle continues. Yes, rainwater is 50% protein.
 
 
==ABBA and Fish==
 
[[Image:Bass player.JPG|thumb|left|250px|Stephen King of popular music combo [[AC/DC]] seen here practicing playing his [[bass]].]]
 
Jason is a fish. There have been several confliicts between ABBA and fish, but notably that one in Stolckholm in [[1989]] BC. This is the origin of the term [[Stockholm Syndrome]]. It is known that the blonde one that sings all the time, was walking down the street to meet that guy from ABBA that plays the piano all the time, and a giant fish just appeared on Stockholm High Street. Not knowing what to do, the woman proceeded to sing 'Lay All Your Fish on Me', and the giant fish, believed to be a herring, or possibly a swordfish, ran away in horror. It is later believed that this fish represented Lituania at the [[Eurovision Song Contest]] of 2005, almost beating that really rubbish British band that were a bit crap.
 
 
When the hit film Mamma Mia came out in 2008, fish all over the world rebelled because not once throughout was there a mention of any sort of fish. In fact, in the scene where Meryl Streep and others jump into the water, the fish all ejaculated in it as a protest. It was unknown to them at the time, but they later learned about it in a [[wikipedia]] entry on fish ejaculation.
 
 
There is also the Chinese [[crocodile|squirrel-shaped fish]], which is actually unusually plentiful in the peninsula of [[Florida|That place]].
 
 
Sven Goran Ericsson, the former Manchester United coach, said in defence of his favourite band Abba 'The fish have it all wrong when they try to say that Abba has no talent. The guys and girls from Abba have an awful lot of talent, at least the ones who are alive do, and the others did. What the fish don't seem to realise is that when Abba record a song, they create a rift in time and space which is repairable only by the combined hope of little African children who wish that they could live to see their kids go to school.'
 
 
==Invisible Fish==
 
 
Vatican scientists have recently become aware of the existence of a rare species of invisible fish. It's impossible to see an invisible fish because it would in fact be invisible. Invisible fish exist out of phase with the dimension we exist in, so not only can you not see them, but it's also impossible to hear, touch taste and/or smell them. We do in fact know that they exist because the bible says so.
 
 
==Fish Fingers/Fish Sticks==
 
 
Fish Fingers are small long pieces of fish covered in bread crumbs which are usually bought in frozen form. Known as "Fish Sticks" by Americans. These are not to be confused with "Fish Dicks" as Kanye West will tell you, although it maybe difficult to reach him as he now lives in the Mediterrean Sea with his homosexual partner Don Pedro the Angelfish.
 
 
Another definition for "Fish Fingers" is of a rather less innocent nature and not something you would feed your five-year-old son for tea. It is the process of inserting one's fingers into a female's vagina and the term is derived from the smell of the said finger(s) after they have been removed. Yum.
 
 
The term "Fish Fingers" has also been used to describe females of homosexual orientation for example:
 
 
To an obviously Lesbian woman in your way: "Hoi! Outta the road, Fish Fingers!"
 
 
"Look at that pair of Fish Fingers!"
 
 
"Hey, Dean, isn't Jenny hot?"
 
"Not worth it, Sam; Fish Fingers."
 
 
Other names for women of such orientation are:
 
Lesbians,
 
Dykes,
 
Lettuce Munchers,
 
Lesbos,
 
Carpet Lickers,
 
Rug Munchers,
 
O'Donellers,
 
Cockle-Doodle-Don'ters,
 
Female Baseball Players,
 
Front-Crack-Cravers.
 
 
==Obsession With Fish==
 
[[Image:Parrotfish.png|thumb|325px|thumb|right|A [[parrot]]fish]]
 
Some people has an unhealthy obsession with fish, and are called Fisherpricers. They often are lonely people who eat cabbage as a main source of protein. Often, Fisherpricers hate losing what is known as The Game and because of this the Fisherpricers is dying out.
 
 
Known Living Fisherprices:
 
 
*Tony Blair
 
*Santa
 
*Emma Thurtle
 
*Superman
 
*Ronald McDonald
 
*Mr. Rogers
 
*Captain Birdseye.
 
*Lewis Spearing
 
*The Evil Monkey Who Watches You When You Sleep
 
*Katie Price
 
*Justin Timberlake
 
*Nelly Furtado
 
*Benny Hill
 
*Nicolae Guta
 
*Rafael Nadal
 
*Mr Q Harper
 
*Your Mother (Yes, her)
 
*The Guy Who Looks Like A Thumb
 
*William Smith (Not The Actor)
 
 
==Sea also==
 
 
{| width="100%" border="0"
 
{| width="100%" border="0"
 
|-valign="top"
 
|-valign="top"
 
|width="50%"|
 
|width="50%"|
* [[Babel fish]]
+
* [[Abe Vigoda]]
* [[Big Phish]]
+
* [[Babel]]
* [[Cod]]
+
* [[Babel fish]]
* [[Codzilla]]
+
* [[Breadfish]]
  +
* [[Dead flounder]]
 
* [[Elastic Trout]]
 
* [[Elastic Trout]]
* [[Fishing|Fishing For Children]]
+
* [[Fish fingers]]
  +
* [[Fishing]]
  +
* [[Fishification]]
 
* [[Fishbone diagram]]
 
* [[Fishbone diagram]]
 
* [[Fish in a bucket]]
 
* [[Fish in a bucket]]
* [[Albert Pike‎]]
 
 
|width="50%"|
 
|width="50%"|
* [[HowTo:Smell a Bit Like Fish]]
+
* [[Goat Cheese]]
* [[HowTo:Fish]]
+
* [[Guppy]]
 
* [[Lead fish]]
 
* [[Lead fish]]
 
* [[Phish]]
 
* [[Phish]]
  +
* [[Sardinian Empire]]
 
* [[Shooting Fish]]
 
* [[Shooting Fish]]
* [[Why?:Take Your Fish To Work]]
+
* [[Reel Big Fish]]
* [[Goldfish]]
+
* [[Real Big Fish]]
* [[Fish Puns]]
 
* [[Japanese Stomping Fish]]
 
* [[Smithwick]]
 
* [[Rockcod]]
 
 
|}
 
|}
   
{{Britain}}
 
 
{{rewrite}}
 
 
[[da:Fisk]]
 
[[de:Fisch]]
 
[[eo:Fi%C5%9Do]]
 
[[fi:Kala]]
 
[[fr:Poisson]]
 
[[id:Ikan]]
 
[[it:Pesci]]
 
[[ja:魚類]]
 
[[ko:물고기]]
 
[[no:Fisk]]
 
[[pl:Ryba]]
 
[[pt:Peixe]]
 
[[zh:魚]]
 
 
[[Category:Fish|*]]
 
[[Category:Fish|*]]
  +
[[Category:Words]]
 
[[Category:Pool]]
 
[[Category:Pool]]
  +
[[Category:Things controlled by Jews]]
  +
  +
[[de:Fisch]][[fr:Bacon]][[ja:魚類]][[pl:Ryba]]

Revision as of 18:52, August 5, 2011

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
~ Lord Byron on this article
0000000000000FishFishyOHHHHH!!

I wonder where that fish did go, a fish a fish a fishy OHHHHH!

A fish is a small carnivorous animal that loiters in oceans, rivers and damp places across the world. Despite warnings from global warming experts, the current melting of the ice caps is set to benefit fish considerably, possibly even making them the dominant species on Earth.

History

Human Domination

In popular history fish have traditionally been the sport of man; most thriving places in the world being fishing towns (Alexandria, Constantinople, Dover, etc). Man has always thrived off the nutritious benefits of the sea-harvest, for they are a great source of protein and, in certain areas, radioactive material. Civilizations such as the Cartheginians, Greeks and (latterly) the Britons were all maritime powers; all exploiters of the seas.

Human Domination?

It is clear, therefore, that fish are likely to be resentful of man's power. Indeed, there is evidence enough to suggest that fish have always been actively against land-domination:

  • The asteroid that almost wiped out life on Earth about 65.5 million years ago did not kill any fish -a coincidence? One likely theory is that fish collectively manipulated the tides on Earth by use of their dorsal fins to create artificial movements; this would disrupt the magnetic potential of the planet, almost certainly drawing wayward objects into the path of it.
  • Despite the supposed abundance of fish (they thrive to the tune of many trillions), they are proving more and more harder to catch, leading to the erroneous assumption that they are, in fact, being hunted to extinction. However, logic dictates that they are willfully avoiding capture.
  • The documentary 'Finding Nemo' was astonishingly sympathetic to incarcerated fish, even depicting the rescue of the eponymous 'Nemo' from a holding-cell in Sydney. Most likely this was a work of propaganda by aquatic creatures, or at least influenced by their spies in Hollywood in much the same way Comintern helped to perverse the sales of anti-USSR tracts in the 20th century.
Bass player

Stephen King of popular music combo AC/DC seen here practicing playing his bass.

Milt2

A man masturbating a fish

Trivia

  • Contrary to popular opinion, it is a myth that a Fish requires a bicycle for transportation. While bicycles are popular among certain schools of fish, vespas are far more convenient for the modern fish lifestyle.
  • George Bernard Shaw pronounced 'fish' 'Ghoti', simply because he liked to be different. How much of a bastard was he?
  • Contrary to popular opinion, fish do not, in fact, taste like chicken. They taste like puppy.
  • The only country ever ruled by fish was the Sardinian Empire.

See also

Personal tools
In other languages
projects