Kangaroo

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Revision as of 16:21, August 5, 2011


“Crikey!”
~ Anonymous Aussie on kangaroos.
Kangaroo

An image of a kangaroo.

The Kangaroo is a deformed creature with rabbit ears, a pouch and large hind legs. These misunderstood animals may seem cute, but they can kill. Trust me, they are pure EVIL!

History

Cheesecake2

An image not of a kangaroo.

There have been many theories on the kangaroo's origin. Here are a few of them.

Theory #1: Aliens from the Moon sent extraterrestrial mice to our planet. These mice never learned to walk, but rather moved by hopping... probably because they were too busy hopping on the moon... like those astronauts you see on TV... I mean, seriously, who needs gravity? Anyways, the without their precious cheese, the mice had to find an alternative food source (yes, the moon is made of cheese). A toxic waste accident caused these mice to grow and develop pouches. Over time, the mutated mice gathered to migrate. After suddenly losing their wings due to climate change, they landed on the continent of Australia. Let's just say the first people to discover Australia had no idea what was coming to them.

Theory #2: As an attempt to rid the world of criminals, mad scientists tried to combine the DNA of a lab mouse and a professional boxer in hopes of creating a super mouse. After miserably failing, the abomination was shipped to Australia.

Theory #3: The kangaroo is a result of Global Warming.

Types of Kangaroos

Marsupial lamington

A close-up of the kangaroo's razor sharp teeth. Taken seconds before the photographer's death.

Kangaroo

The photographer's death. Taken seconds after the above photo.

There are many different variations of kangaroo. Many inhabit Australia, and all can KILL!

Boxing Kangaroo: The most well-known of the kangaroos. Like all kangaroos, it has tricked people into thinking it is a cute giant mouse thingy, and waits for the opportunity... to kill! Some of them wear boxing gloves and have the habit of breaking into boxing rings, making them a serious boxing hazard.

Kangaroo Jack: This marsupial bastard is now considered to be one of the most dangerous criminals in the Outback. He stole the money, and he's not giving it back. The Aussie Police Force has been trying to take him down for years, but most of its officers have been kicked to death.

Kangrue: Possibly the deadliest marsupial on the planet. Only Domo Kun, Steve Irwin, and Chuck Norris can defeat this beast. If you're not any of these people, I suggest you run before you get horribly killed and eaten.

Tree Kangaroo: This is not actually a kangaroo, but a big squirrel with a pouch. Yes, it will kill you.

Diet and enemies

Kangaroos have also tricked us into thinking that they eat plants. What most people don't know is that kangaroos are actually carnivores. They mainly feast on the remains of cars that were killed by deer. On rare occasions, however, they develop the craving of humans (usually tourists, because the Aussies know all about kangaroo attacks and are well prepared). Kangaroos have a significant amount of enemies. Drop bears, in particular, envy kangaroos for their cuteness. Kangaroos compete with drop bears and dingoes for human prey. Dingoes are especially effected, as the kangaroo population has brought down dingo numbers at an alarming rate, causing the last remaining dingoes to resort to getting babies.

Kangaroo attacks

Normal AnimalSexKangarooFeeding

Yet another foolish tourist falls for the creature's cuteness and awaits upcoming doom.

When preying on humans, a kangaroo would make itself visible. The foolish victims would easily fall for its cuteness. When the timing is right, the kangaroo would stand on its tail and kick the living shit out of its victims, then decide whether to eat them right away or bury them for later consumption.

As deadly as kangaroos are, they are also stupid animals. This can serve as an advantage to those who want to avoid a horrible fate. A clever Aussie always carries a boomerang, which is one of the few things capable of killing a kangaroo. For extra protection, most Aussies also wear Chuck Norris masks. It is a well-known fact that Chuck Norris makes the perfect opponent, as both can deliver powerful kicks of doom. The difference is that Chuck has a bigger brain. Some may take up boxing lessons to prepare themselves for boxing kangaroo attacks... or at least die with dignity.

Related pages

  • Wallaby- Basically a midget kangaroo.
  • Koala- Another cute marsupial, not as deadly though.
  • Steve Irwin- An expert on kangaroos. He was well prepared.
  • Tasmanian devil- Another deadly marsupial you may want to know about.
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